If I owned these characters, I would not be working a full-time job while finishing a full-time graduate program. I am just borrowing them for the day…
A special thanks to gingersnapped907 for reading to make sure I wasn't missing words. Any mistakes are actually mine. This was actually written out old-school before being typed. Sometimes it is nice to escape from technology except when your muse hits and it takes 17+ pages to get it out. ;-)
Chapter 7: Beachside Conversation
"So what exactly made you decide to drop the security detail, Sharon?" The quiet way he asks tells me that he is not fishing, but is actually curious about my thought process behind dropping something that I had kept insisting had to happen in order for me to be ok with Rusty not being by my side.
"A lot of different reasons. Lisa, the victim of our last case, was so controlling that she didn't let her kids do what they wanted to do and it wound up destroying both of their lives and she lost hers. I kept wondering if I was doing the same thing with Rusty. While he didn't know that I had the protection detail, I was still trying to control what was occurring in his life by providing one separately. Also, I really hate lying to him. I promised him in the beginning that I would never lie to him. I might withhold information if it was in his best interest, but I would never lie to him. I've been feeling really guilty about that especially over the last few days when he figured out that someone was following him around campus – and it was his protection detail. I caused him to worry without him needing to because I never told him about the detail. Cooper offered to put another team on him, but Rusty just would have had other strangers following him around. He would eventually figure it out that I asked for the detail. Lastly, most of the sightings for Stroh have been in various countries in Europe for the last two months so it is not likely that he will return here without someone noticing. I need to start living my life again and not let his escape define how I live my life any more. I have started understanding what Rusty was saying back in January about living in a prison while Stroh runs free. Especially, I need to make sure that you know that my feelings towards you haven't changed in the last few months. Are you willing to give me a second chance?" I barely whisper the last question to Andy as I hold my breath to wait for his answer.
"What do you mean give you 'a second chance'? Sharon, look at me." He gently touches my chin and turns it so that I would look directly into his chocolate brown eyes. His questioning gaze is unwavering as he stares at me trying to determine what I meant. His gaze is so intense that I can't hold it and I turn to look out at the ocean. "Sharon, just because you felt that you needed to step back for a bit doesn't change how I feel about you or what I want out of the relationship we have. I have just been trying to give you the space that you asked for to not add more demands or stress to you. Sharon, I want this to be something that you want, not something you feel forced into. In order to give you the space you wanted, I needed to back off a bit so that I did actually give you the space and I didn't scare or push you further away. I wanted to continue being your friend, but I did not want to put pressure on you to spend time with me so I pulled back physically so you were more comfortable. You wanted to spend more time with Rusty, so I backed off asking you to have dinner as frequently as we were prior to everything. Sharon," he paused waiting until I met his gaze, "I'm not giving you a second chance because as far as I am concerned we are still on our first. You just needed some time to deal with some other things before continuing navigating this path. I understand that and am more than willing to wait for you to be ready. We aren't moving forward tonight. I want you to be sure about this before we make that step and you aren't there yet."
"But, Andy, I am ready to move forward and start living my life again." I cringe and drop my head at how whiny I sound. I'm ready to move forward this time, but something is holding Andy back. It obviously is not how he feels about me as he keeps telling me that he cares about me. Does it have to do with how I have treated him the last few months? I thought he was ok with us taking some time while I spent extra time going over all the paperwork for the Stroh sightings. Is he scared because of how I pushed him away?
When I lift my head again, he continues, "Sharon, darling, you just made a big decision today dropping Rusty's protection detail. Let's take a few weeks and see what happens – like we were in January. Then, we can have this discussion again." Sometimes I think Andy knows me better than I know myself. He knows that the worry about Rusty's safety will linger with me for a while. And he wants to make sure that I'm not rushing into this just to push him away again. He's protecting his heart from me because he is not sure that I will be ok with all of the decisions that I have made today and doesn't want me questioning if the decision that I'm not ok with is us entering a relationship. He has given me plenty of time to be comfortable with how things are going, so I can do the same for him. It's not like we are teenagers where everything has to happen now. We can wait to make sure both of us are ready for each of the next steps that our relationship might take.
"Ok. Maybe you are right and we need to try a few things out first. I just want to try out a few things to ensure this will actually work for us. Can we set-up a few small rules?" I notice his smirk when I said rules, but chose to ignore it for now. He's started teasing me about the fact that I have started skirting them more. "I can't see it not working out, but I need to know for sure."
He grins and nods. It feels like the last five months are just drifting away and I realize that we have walked out to the same spot as we did for our last dinner before Stroh's escape – before I asked him to back off and wait. The irony is not lost on me. I have the same peace that I did that night.
"I've always kept my personal and work lives separate. It's going to be hard for me to work at separating the two. However, if I don't, it's going to be too hard for me to send you into dangerous situations after we start crossing the next few steps. At work, I need for us to remain strictly professional. Next to no touching; I can't have you calling me Sharon or any other pet name. At home or out, please keep it to Sharon or whatever else you think is ok and never call me Captain. I'm hopeful that this will help me compartmentalize the difference between our work and personal relationships. Most importantly, I'm going to need you to help me navigate through this. We have to figure out how to keep the two separate from each other and the only way to do that is to continue to talk to each other. We do a good job with that already; we just have to continue."
"You are probably correct that we need to start working in that direction anyway. Some of those are habits that I probably don't even realize that I have after doing them for over two years now. I think I can handle that. It will be a learning experience for both of us. Can you help me out with that so I know if I cross the line and I will do the same for you?"
I nod. His next few sentences surprise me so much that I stop walking and just stare at him. "Are you sure you do not want me to just look for a transfer? It would save you having to report the relationship as early and you won't have to send me into dangerous situations any more. I've heard a rumor that Robbery Homicide has one of their senior people retiring. I was going to ask you about it after I made sure it wasn't just a rumor."
He actually has been thinking of transferring. Is it that he can't handle me being his boss or is it that he doesn't want to take orders from someone he could be in a relationship with or is it just to make things easier on me or does he think that I would not want to be his boss just because we are starting a romantic relationship? Would this make things easier? I would still have to report the relationship to Taylor, but it would change the timeline of reporting it. I would never be the one sending him into danger, but I would not be his back-up either. I would lose my best friend sitting just outside my office. I would lose the one person who I never have to have a conversation with before going into interview the suspect because we can just read each other that well. I would miss him. But if it is what he think is best, I will support him and his decision. "We've managed to do this so far with no issues at work. We just have to keep communicating with each other. Look into it to see if it is something you might be interested in. However, do not feel that you have to take it to make this work between us. There are going to be bumps along the way no matter if we work together or not. As long as we keep this out of work, I can't see it being an issue for me."
"I don't want to leave the team or you now. However, it might be something that would be better later on so I will check it out. And then we'll talk and figure it out. I don't want to make this harder on you. We have such a strong friendship that the next few steps should be less complicated for us."
'…[T]he next few steps'. He's thought about them. I grin as my mind jumps to the crazy dream that I had a few nights ago. It involved Andy holding me in bed after a long day and us talking until things turned much more heated. Yes, I don't think that those steps will be as issue as long as the friendship stays as the center. "It should. That brings me to the next 'rule' as you say. We need to keep the friendship first. I think we both know from the past that the honesty, respect, and communication that we have built has to stay for this to work. Without that, this will never work and we are risking way too much for this to not work."
"I agree. Your friendship means more to me than anything else. No matter what we decide in the next few weeks to months, I want to continue to be your friend. Without that, I would be lost. There have been many times over the last few years where I thought about telling you how I felt. I didn't because I wanted you to stay in my life as a friend because you were not ready for more. I didn't want to scare you away with my feelings."
I have an idea of how he feels about me, but I've told him repeatedly that they should not be expressed until we are in an actual relationship. I'm not ready to reciprocate at the moment and I don't want to make things more awkward between us. However, his comments remind me how much I need to stress the need for honesty. I don't want to make the same mistakes this time that I did in my marriage to Jack – some of those we can wait to talk about until later – but the honesty needs to be discussed now. "Andy, the honesty is really important to me as we move forward – almost more important than anything else. If you lie or mislead me or others about us, we're done. I won't deal with that again. I am trying to actually practice the lessons that I have learned from my marriage. I need to set a good example for Rusty of what a healthy relationship looks like. He has never seen it before – either with me or his mother. He still has a lot to learn about actual healthy romantic relationships. Also, I can't be blindsided again. I shut down and close off when that happens and it never ends well." I hope he doesn't ask me about that last part because I'm not ready to share exactly why I'm being insistent on not blindsiding me. It's more than just last December's misstep.
"I'm just grateful that you allowed me to have a second chance after everything with Nicole last year. I promise that I have not stated anything that would lead her to think that we are in an actual romantic relationship. However, she keeps telling me I need to tell you exactly how I feel and stop pretending that I never want anything more to develop. She thinks that I'm scared to lose you by saying something. She is right on that count, but I haven't wanted to share with her that we are slowly taking the steps to deepening our relationship. That is between us. I keep telling her we are just good friends. I don't want to have the rest of the conversation with her until there is or is not something to tell. I think you should be the first to hear my intentions – not my daughter – and we aren't there yet." He is again putting me before Nicole. This time without me pushing his hand to choose me and without entirely deceiving her. Wow!
Before I can finish my thoughts, he grabs my hand and continues. "Sharon, I promise that when I mess up, I will make it up to you – if that is groveling, apologizing, showering you with flowers, whatever it takes. Is there something that I can do to help when you start shutting me out? Or something that I shouldn't do? I will not stop fighting for you – and us – unless you telling me to and you will probably have to tell me more than once." He really is committed to making sure that this does work. This isn't just a fleeting thing. He's in this with everything he has. This is the first time that I've heard these thought with regard to our relationship. With everything else today, it is the first time in a while I have enjoyed the feeling of having a man who wants to fight for me, protect me, and who cares deeply for me. He wants what is best for me – not himself.
As I turn my body to face Andy, I look him directly in the eye and take my other hand and put it in his. "Just keep fighting for us, Andy. We'll figure the rest out as we go. As long as you keep talking to me, I will eventually come around. There might be days where I need some time to myself to think and process what is going on. As long as you keep fighting, we will get back on track." The sense of peace that I have as we stand by the ocean in the darkness might just overwhelms both of us. Andy pulls me close to him and envelopes me in his arms. I just stand there enjoying the sense of peace and the scent of him – his aftershave long-gone at the late hour that it is – and enjoying the feel of his body against mine as he holds me.
"Do you want to stay here a little longer or are you desperate for that cup of tea and dessert with me tonight? I don't think I can do both with how long a day it has been," Andy rumbles in my ear.
I am reluctant to leave his embrace. There is a peace that I haven't felt for a long time. I might just have a chance of sleeping a little more than normal tonight. "I asked you to come over for dessert so we could continue talking. I'm ok with staying here a little longer and skipping that tonight if you prefer," I whisper in reply.
"Well, I think I can skip Rusty's take on 'old people's dating rituals' tonight," he jokes. "I would much rather just stay right here with you."
We stay where we are – just feet from the ocean – holding each other tight for several more minutes before we separate to walk back to our cars. This time, he doesn't let my hand go. Maybe this will work out as long as we continue to take our time.