If I owned these characters, I would not be working a full-time job while finishing a full-time graduate program. I am just borrowing them for the day…
A special thanks to gingersnapped907 for reading to make sure I wasn't missing words. Any mistakes are actually mine. This was actually written out old-school before being typed. Sometimes it is nice to escape from technology except when your muse hits and it takes 17+ pages to get it out. ;-)
Chapter 8: Forgetfulness & Misunderstandings
Less than a week later
I had just gotten out of the shower when my phone rang. Quickly, I grabbed a towel, my clothes, and unlocked the door to the hallway as I answered my phone without taking the time to look at the caller ID. "Captain Raydor," was spoken into the phone.
"Hey, Sharon. I was wondering if I could interest you in dinner tonight. You managed to sneak out of the office before I had a chance to send you a text asking if you were interested in waiting for me to finish."
It's Andy. Part of me wants to talk to him, but I'm still miffed at him calling me 'Sharon' earlier at the office. My mind drifts back to the conversation we had less than a week ago. We need to keep communicating no matter how awkward it is I remind myself. Before I can respond, Andy breaks into my thoughts, "Sharon, if you are just tired tonight, tell me. If not, I'll see you in about an hour with dinner." He is not giving me a chance to back out tonight.
"Andy, sure. You just caught my mind spacing out tonight. I figured the team was going out with Julio."
"Nah. We offered, but he said he had something he had to do tonight before he was expected at home."
"Ok. See you in about an hour. Rusty has class so he won't be home until about 11."
"Bye, Sharon."
I sigh as I realize that I need to find something slightly more acceptable to wear for dinner with Andy. While he probably would enjoy the yoga pants and sweater combo, we do not share that type of intimacy yet. I move to my closet to pull out jeans and a t-shirt to go with my sweater.
MCMCMCMCMCMCMCMC
About an hour later, Andy was knocking on the condo door. I've calmed down a little more, but I'm still not back to the non-miffed stage. This could be interesting tonight. I take a deep breath as I open the door for him.
"Hey," Andy says as he holds a bouquet of wild flowers in one hand and dinner from my favorite Italian place in the other. "I figured the flowers might help me with the groveling later." He hands me the flowers as he walks in and goes directly to the kitchen. I pause as I look at the flowers in my hand. It strikes me that the only times I have gotten flowers from Jack were when he was trying to get something from me – usually sex or money. I continue to just stare at them and beg my mind to not go there as Andy makes himself at home in my kitchen putting dinner on plates, getting himself a glass of water, and setting the table. However, my mind is not willing to silence itself tonight. I shouldn't have invited him over without Rusty here. What does he want from me? Why can't he just follow simple rules? What am I getting myself into? This will never work.
I look up startled as Andy shouts my name standing directly in front of me with his hand on my shoulder, "Sharon! Are you ok? I didn't mean to startle you, but you were not responding to me. Why don't you go sit at the table and I'll get you a glass of wine. Or would you prefer tea?" His eyes show his concern as he takes the flowers out of my hand and starts directing me to the table. "I'll put these in water for you, too."
"If it is ok with you, I think I would like the glass of wine. There is a bottle already open in the fridge."
"I would not have offered to get it for you if it did bother me to get it for you. You have had wine at dinner many times when we have gone out. Do you want to tell me what is going on? You don't seem to be yourself tonight. You were fine earlier today at the office so what happened between when you left and now?"
I know he can easily read me, but I'm not entirely sure that I am ready to share what I was just thinking. It involves explaining more of my history with Jack that I'm not entirely sure that Andy is ready to know or will ever want to know. We've talked about some of it. He knows that Jack really hurt me, but not all the gritty details. Sharing this would cross that line. I'm not sure we're ready to do that, but how do I say that without him thinking that I don't trust him or I'm not going to be honest with him. Before I know it, Andy is putting my glass of wine in front of me and the vase of flowers on the table. Without thinking, I pick the flowers up and put them on the kitchen counter so they will be out of my sight, with my back to them, for the evening. He looks at me questioningly, but doesn't say anything waiting for me to say something to clue him in on what is going on.
"For now, can I just leave it as some of my history with Jack coming back to haunt me today?"
"As long as you promise to talk about it later – either tonight or another time – so I know what I did to hurt you and cause this type of reaction." I nod as I sit back at the table and pick up my glass of wine and take a sip.
Andy senses that he needs to start the conversation with dinner tonight to get my mind focused on something else. He starts by telling me how he called Nicole the other day and the kids answered instead because she was in the shower. He tells me about the lighthearted conversation that they had and about the various topics they talked about. It allows me to sit back and listen as we start eating dinner. As normal, about halfway through the meal, he grabs my plate and switches it with his – something that has become much more commonplace recently. It started when we couldn't decide on what to order for dinner one night and figure out that we were debating between the same two meals. He is doing his best to keep the conversation light as we are eating, but I can tell he wants to talk about something by the questioning look in his eye. He is keeping a very close eye on me tonight. I take a deep break realizing that I have to start the hard part of tonight's conversation.
"So Julio talked to the team today?" I try to keep the question very open since I do not know what was revealed. Julio and I have become closer since his suspension. I have even attended a couple of his counseling sessions with him.
"Yes. He told us about what caused his wife's accident and how he lost his daughter. I feel like a real asshole for how I have treated him over the last few months. You know what was at the root of his anger issues, didn't you?" His tone is matter-of-fact, not accusatory, and doesn't expect an answer. "It was why you encouraged me to talk to him and work with him. We stayed and helped him unpack his desk the rest of the way tonight."
"Good. He needed the bonding time with you without me around to facilitate it this time. Just keep talking to him, ok?"
"Is this from Sharon? Or my boss?" Andy jokes. I notice that he makes sure to not use my title tonight.
"Sharon. Right now, we're in my home." The light mood of the evening evaporates with my reply.
"Alright. I'm sorry for calling you Sharon at work today. I realized that I had done it without thinking and tried to correct it immediately. However, I think my correction made it worse though by drawing attention to it rather than just letting it go. So when I slip how do you want me to handle it? Do you just want me to let it go? Or do you want me to correct it like I did today?"
"I think you are correct with it making it more obvious. Mike and Buzz picked up on your correction really quickly. I take it you caught their looks, too. How about you don't correct it, but deal with the Darth glare instead?"
"Ummm… The Darth glare probably would not be a good idea." When Andy does not elaborate, I raise my eyebrow. "Do you want me to tell you why? You may not be entirely comfortable with the answer."
I feel the color start to rise on my cheeks. "What? You think Darth is hot?" The grin that crosses his face answers my question and I just shake my head trying not to giggle aloud. "So how do you want me to bring it to your attention so that you know?"
"Sharon, you don't need to. I'll see the slight panic in your eyes the same way that you will see the guilt for messing up in mine. If I miss one, just tell me in private. We'll work it out."
"Ok. I can deal with that."
"I am sorry I made you uncomfortable today. That's why I stopped to get the flowers for you tonight. I wanted to do something nice to show you how sorry I am – not upset you more. I feel like I just keep messing this up today."
"Andy, you aren't. It has to deal with my past – not you."
"I don't want to pressure you to share, but I am curious. Can you tell me why the flowers upset you so much tonight? It doesn't have to be tonight, but at some point."
I pause before I answer. He's right. He does need to know exactly why I reacted how I did. "Yes, but I'm going to keep it very general. The past needs to stay in the past – not be part of what we are working towards – but the past influences how I react to various situations and you deserve to know why I reacted that way tonight. How about we move to the living room? Just leave the dishes, we'll get them later."
As I sit and think about how much I am willing to reveal, Andy gets up and stands behind my chair waiting for me to acknowledge him. I nod and he pulls my chair out so that I can get out. His hand makes it to the small of my back as he silently gives me support while guiding me over to the couch. It's as if he understands just how much the thought of this conversation makes me uncomfortable, but it is a conversation that we need to have if things are going to move forward. And it probably will not be the only time where one of us has issues with the past. It's just the first that we've had as we have started developing this into more than a friendship. Andy is my confidant and I have already trusted him with so much so I can do this. He needs to know. Unlike other nights recently, we sit on opposite ends of the couch. I'm thankful for the space that he is giving me, but I miss having his body close to mine.
"Why did me bringing you flowers upset you? That is what caused you to space out earlier tonight, right? Or was it something else?"
"Mostly it was the flowers. It just didn't help that I had been miffed at you since you slipped up in the media room earlier." I pause as I look him directly in the eyes before continuing. "Jack only would bring or send flowers to me if he wanted something." I hope that the lack of what I am saying is telling him enough for him to draw his own conclusions.
"If you don't mind answering, was it just anything or was it something specific? Sharon, I don't want to make assumptions here that's why I'm asking. If you don't feel comfortable, you don't need to answer."
I swallow hard before I answer him. "Usually money or sex." I notice the flash of understanding cross Andy's face.
"So you think I brought you flowers today because I wanted to have sex with you?"
"I did tell you Rusty wouldn't be home until late –" before I can finish my thought Andy interrupts me.
"Sharon, my goal is never to make you uncomfortable. I want to tell you why you have nothing to worry about. First, I don't plan to ever have sex with you. When the time is right, I want to make love to you and with you. Second, we're not dating. Are we working towards it? Yes, but we're not dating so I would never ask you if you wanted to. I respect you too much to expect that to happen when we are dating ever – much less before we even are. Third, flowers to me are a way to show that I care about you, that I cherish you, and that I want to make you smile. Fourth, the only thing I want from you is for you to enjoy spending time with me – however we choose to spend our time together – we not me."
As he calmly explains what he was thinking, I start to relax for the first time since he walked in. "Ok." I want to say more, but I can't figure out the words to use to explain what is going through my head and heart. The look that he is giving me tells me that he knows and understands. It surprises me how frequent and easy it is for us to communicate without words.
"We have had dinner here without Rusty before. Why did you think that tonight would change what has happened previously? Was it just the flowers?"
I can't hold his gaze anymore so I look down at my hands which I'm not able to keep still. "No, I'm starting to realize just how much I am physically attracted to you so I don't know if I could stop if you initiated anything. However, I'm not ready for the physical part of the relationship yet." I whisper my answer so that it is barely audible to my ears. I can't look at Andy as I realize that I just told him something that I'm not even willing to admit to myself. I need to change the topic before I reveal more to him and myself, but I have a lingering doubt. "So you really did not expect anything by bringing me flowers today?"
"Sharon – look at me – the only thing that I expected or wanted tonight was to spend time with, eat dinner with, and talk with my friend. I had hoped that you would listen to and accept my apology and that we would talk through that. I did not expect to bring up past issues with you tonight by bringing you flowers. Had I known that, I would not have stopped to pick them up even though I really wanted to. I will not ever purposefully hurt you. We both realize that being in a relationship means that we will unintentionally hurt each other because of the past. It will happen, but we just need to talk through it like we did tonight. Your past relationships do not scare me. They made you who you are today and that is someone that I care a lot about. I promise that no matter what you tell me, I will only use the information to make sure that I don't hurt you further. You seem to need time to process things tonight. Do you want to watch a movie while you wait for Rusty to come home or do you want me to leave?"
I know that he is doing everything he can to not hurt me. We've talked many times about how talking through problems is the only way to successfully navigate them. I don't want him to leave, but I don't feel like watching things explode and the tension in the room is too high for a romantic comedy. It would be nice to do something where it requires him to hold me to have the small physical connection that has been so comforting recently. "What about dancing instead?"
"Sure. How about you deal with the dinner dishes while I rearrange this room to give us a little more space?"
"Andy, I can move my own furniture! Is this your way of 'keeping me in the kitchen'? You know that I'm not the princess type," I tease him.
"I know, but I also know how much having a messy kitchen annoys you. I just figured it would be faster to start if we both had our own tasks. Did I ever tell you my favorite part of you being in FID?" he teases me back.
"No, I don't think you did."
He starts by reminding me of a joint crime scene that we investigated a few years ago describing in detail about how much he enjoyed the "Wicked Witch" showing up to the scene. I start laughing as I clear the table. Tonight seems so domestic and normal. I have a brief flash of the future where both of us are just sitting and talking in the evenings surrounded by a few grandkids. Maybe this can work without completing upending everything.