CHAPTER 5: CHEATER
The icy wind whirled around me like a soft hymn playing in my ears. The strong current of air was freezing but it felt hot against my skin. Like a burning flame, it was warming me instead of cooling my already cold body further to properly match the Alaskan below zero temperature.
I couldn't feel the snow crisping below me as I sat there in the dark. Naturally a part of my instincts had registered the herd of caribous nearby - I could smell them, hear their heartbeats racing. And had I been focused I would have caught the rushing of blood through their veins as well. But I was too captivated by the enigma playing out in front of me to start moving and chase down the herd. I was completely fixated on something far more appealing.
And inviting. The warmth was like a hint of silk caressing me lovingly.
I sighed, bemused as I was.
The power of her scorching touch never seized to amaze me. Her lips formed a smile as she softly whispered my name in her request.
Edward...stay...
I could not help but to smile at her plea. Yes, I wanted to answer. Yes, I'll stay. Always. But before I could do anything, my name was called again.
"Edward!"
I frowned, but kept my eyes closed. This was not the same voice. Not the voice I wanted to hear. I concentrated hard to focus on the full red slightly parted lips and hoped they'd ignore the voice that was calling for my attention, and would continue to whisper more sweet words to me.
Look at that. He is smiling...must be something nice he is thinking about. I wonder what it is...
The beautiful image evaporated the instant my mind processed the voice that interrupted the moment - the voice which, I supposed, was very alluring, had I been objective in judging it, but I found it to pale in comparison to the voice matching the mesmerizing projection. It seemed too eager, too demanding. Not at all like the voice belonging to the mirage, the softness of it so very welcoming.
But the image was gone now, chased away by the new voice, leaving no silhouette behind. It was almost as if it felt guilty for hiding in this forbidden corner of my mind, knowing it was wrong to expose itself to me whenever I asked for it.
I opened my eyes and stared into a pair similar to my own. And then there was the dancing strawberry blonde hair. A glowing ice-colorod skin. Such a contrast of silver and black in the darkened palet of a cool Denali night. It was a definite beauty, no one could argue with that but compared to the beauty hiding in my mind, it seemed almost plain.
I sighed again and blinked once. Allowing the power of the vision to eb away and focus on the person sitting next to me.
Tanya. She looked expectant, as always. Hoping that the smile she had seen indicated that I was finally over my depression and ready to move on.
More specifically she was hoping I'd move on to her.
It wasn't the first she had stalked me like this since my family and I had arrived here. She would in fact make a daily point to join me and try to make me feel better. And she always left in frustration, knowing she had failed in her mission.
I was certain she had heard most of the details on what had taken place in Forks, though through the way she had construed the facts, Tanya seemed somewhat misinformed. Her mind gave away that much. Of course most of her information had come from Rosalie and she was extremely subjective when it came to anything concerning Bella.
"What was that just now? You looked happy," she accused, sounding very reproaching.
I don't understand why. He has been miserable for many weeks and now he is suddenly smiling. Perhaps he is over it. I sure hope so, she thought.
The internal voice sounded less confident, puzzled even. Which made sense because I hadn't smiled in so long.
It was understandable that she questioned the reason behind my smile. But she was wrong to hope for an improvement in my state of mind.
I was still miserable. And unfortunately for Tanya, her hope was idle. Because I wasn't over it. Not by a long shot.
The reason I'd been smiling was a less sensible one. It had nothing to do with recuperating. If anything, in the end it would only make me worse.
But for a single moment, Tanya had been right. I had been smiling. I dared even admit I'd found a single heart beat's worth of peace in that moment.
But the smile hadn't been conducted from some naturally found form of happiness or contentness, and it hadn't been more than a short second.
It was based on a fabrication of my own imagination.
An imagination I had fed, because I was cheating.
On purpose. And surprisingly it was less difficult than I had believed to be beforehand. Of course, had I been in my right mind, I would have never even considered it. But I was too far gone to think logically. To stop myself and be rational.
Such a change from a few weeks ago when the idea of cheating like this wouldn't have dared cross my mind. Or rather I wouldn't have allowed it to cross my mind.
Allowed her to cross my mind. It would have been too painful to handle.
And now I couldn't stop. Like a junkie needing his heroin fix, I spend most of my time with my eyes closed. Hoping to keep the image of her captive inside my thoughts.
My willpower shredded into the tiniest parts, it had slowly been torn into pieces by the pain and I wasn't able to reign myself in to stop and think what I was doing.
How I was abandoning my selfmade rules. How I gladly took the pain, for a moment of faux happiness. And it wasn't even happiness to begin with. Because I had known happiness. This wasn't even a weak echo to the bliss I had known. How easily pleased I was now with the miniscule moments where I allowed myself to be lost at the sight of this beautiful figment.
I should have, of course stopped myself from these things getting out of hand. I should be stronger and fight the urge to cheat. But I could not quite help it.
Plus, it wasn't all my fault.
I almost relished in the fact that Alice - my meddlesome tiny sister - had partially caused this. It was the perfect excuse to defend my actions. After all, she was the one who had re- lightened this flame. The flame that had burned away my willpower. And no one could expect me to be strong enough to fight back in my weakened state.
Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have dared to blame her for my own deeds. It wouldn't have been fair. But I needed the excuse to justify my actions.
So I refused to see how I had allowed my willpower to crumble and pretended that it has been Alice to force me into this new state of mind with hr persuasive visions and memories. Of course I gladly used this opening she had given me to pull me out of my reverie.
And now as a result, I was a cheater.
Every day was filled with the ironic divide between the desire to cheat and the fight to remain in place and not go back to Forks to claim what had never been rightfully mine. Both equally tough in their execution.
The first had been the result of Alice's little trick to alert me, in hopes to pull me out of my down spiralling solitude.
It had worked on the outside but only marginally. I tried to be better, be more forthcoming to my family and our welcoming hosts. But I failed terribly at acting like I even cared the littlest bit about what was going on around me and I was aware my family knew there was no change in my behaviour. But that was just the exterior. None of them had a clue about what was brewing inside me when I was alone.
And I wouldn't have them know, so I remained far from Tanya's house on the snow bank I had claimed as my own since my almost permanent presence there had marked it as mine.
I could sit there for hours without moving. And hiding in my own secluded spot made the cheating that much easier. All I had to do was close my eyes. Of course it wasn't without its consequences. In the beginning it had taken some strength to be a masochist and allow the ripping pain in my chest to course through me. I wanted to shy way from it at first and fought hard against it because the pain was unbearable, but then the reward - her beautiful face - made up for alot, inspite of the fact I had to let the pain grow to insufferable proportions before the images would start to flash.
And once that happened everything around me fell away. I'd be too caught up in the moment to stop myself.
So I spend hours lingering in the snow, starstruck and in awe by the memories. The images.
Her beautiful smile. Her lips whispering to me. Pleading with me to stay.
In the faint stir of the glacial winds I could always hear her voice beckoning me.
A perfect example of how I had permitted my imagination to get out of hand.
Clearly I was losing my mind and something surely had snapped inside me.
Sometimes I didn't care how much it hurt. I could bear the pain f it meant I could keep the images safe inside my head. If I could see her without breaking my promise of interfering with her life. Without losing the memories.
The suffering was worth it, even though it was never more than a few moments before her face would fade from my mind like a mirage disappearing in the heat of a desert.
Once they were gone, I'd start all over again. The pain would erupt from the hollow, worse than before and I'd plunge into it deep to make the images reappear.
It was the aftermath that hurt the most. And it got worse with every time I cheated. Tearing the hole in my chest even further, giving the hollowness and the pain free play inside me.
But I'd found that the aching was an acceptable price to pay. If anything the pain was a constant reminder of why I was here in the first place.
It was supposed to be this way, because with every stab of pain, every tugging at my heart it reminded me of why I was feeling this.
Bella's safety. It was all about her safety.
As long as I was aching, she was safe.
The pain was my warning. And also my reason to exist. As long as she was out there somewhere than the universe was in order. My midnight sun might never shine again for me, but it did not mean the sky was without points of reason completely. Sure, my own horizon was empty and black but in the grander scheme of things Bella was alive and safe and for that I had to be grateful. The world in its totality made sense because she was in it. Even if my own world had stopped turning and my existence was utterly pointless apart from the fact it served as proof that she was safe.
So everything was in the right order, the way it was supposed to be. My torment made sense. And no one would care if I cheated when I was here all by myself. I didn't hurt anyone but myself anyway. And I honoured the most important rule: the one where I stayed out of Bella's life. So even if I forced my mind into madness by conjuring her up, it didn't mean I was breaking my promise to her. She was safe and hopefully happy, because I was no longer a part of her life.
I convinced myself of this every moment I spend out here. To justify my own insanity.
What I often didn't take into account, was how after every time my mind placed her in my thoughts - like a beautiful and desirable angel comforting me and drying my stone tears, soothing the torture with her warmth - I longed for her even more.
The pain was one thing, but the yearning was another. It was long past what the monster had felt. It was acute need looking for fulfillment. The hollow acting up. Longing to be filled up with a heart. Because mine had been buried somewhere out there. Perhaps under Bella's floorboards with the rest of the reminders of our love.
That's were the fighting came in. With what little common sense I had left, the part of me that had registered that Bella's safety was the most important thing and my presence surely wasn't necessary in maintaining that, I fought against the hunger, this new hunger that existed in every fiber of my body. For the time being I was still strong enough and I hadn't moved an inch closer back to the place I had left many weeks before. And the cheating was also part of it. As long as the memories still dimmed the hunger, I could remain here or anywhere else. Anywhere but in her arms.
But I wasn't quite certain how long that would be enough. I remembered the photos I had confiscated from the ones Bella had meant to send to Renée, they lay somewhere hidden away in the glove department and I hadn't looked at the ones since I had stolen them. I knew that if I did, if I allowed my mind to register them, the little strength I had left to stay far away from Bella would crumble completely.
"Edward..." Tanya interrupted, sounding impatient now. I had all but forgotten about her as I tried to organize my thoughts and actions.
I scanned her thoughts briefly to see what I had missed. Apparently she was thinking of ways to cheer me up.
Most of which asked for a display if her very special talent as a succubus.
Normally this would have made me uncomfortable. It always did. That, and I'd also find it a tad amusing, knowing Tanya took that particular part of herself very serious. It was easy to tease her with it. She never minded, she was just bothered by the fact her talent had never worked its magic on me.
Now, I was just irritated. She had interrupted my time alone. My time with Bella.
I knew Tanya meant well, but she was fervently hoping that I - being in the weakened, depressed state I was - would cave in and finally answer her lust for me.
Because that was all there was for Tanya.
She did not ask for a deeper connection, it was all about sexual gratification.
Her mindset made that very apparent.
I bet I could make him smile again, especially if he is finally letting go of whatever happened to him in that dreadful little town.
Her thoughts became confident now, she felt she had a point to argue. It was very irritating.
I have never failed at that. I can make any man happy. If only Edward would let go a little bit and open up. One night with me and he'll forget about all his troubles.
I wished to silence her thoughts. I didn't expect her to understand.
And I had no lust to listen to the things she was imagining.
"Tanya, I....I want to be alone..." I muttered. I tried to sound stern but it sounded like a muffled cry, weak and unconvincing.
And naturally she took it the wrong way.
It's obvious he needs me.
I didn't. Not even close. The one I needed was more than thirteen hundred miles away from me. And she would never be mine again.
She smiled at me and shook her head at my request for her departure.
"You always want to be alone these days. But you never answered me. You were smiling just now when I found you here, What was so amusing?" she wondered curiously.
"I wasn't smiling" I lied unconvincingly. I wasn't about to explain my cheating to Tanya. That too would be misconstrued by her.
He must have been thinking about that girl, she figured.
"I tried to understand, Edward. Rosalie explained it to me. But I fail to understand how a human could make such an impression. It's so...unnatural. "
Whatever happened in Forks really did a number on him. He's never acted this distant before, she concluded sourly.
"Don't go there" I warned her halfheartedly. But she did go there. Her thoughts were unstoppable.
It's very absurd. He's been around humans for far too long. He cannot see reality anymore, she continued.
Well, she wasn't far off. I didn't see any point in reality. The only thing I needed to remember was my pain, my absence in Bella's life. Her safety and happiness. That was one part of my reality. The other was the surreal world I had created in my head. Where bearing the cutting knife of the torture of her absence was awarded with the liveliest of memories of her skin, her lips. Her beauty and her smile. Everything about her.
I sighed. I longed to see the projection again and wished Tanya would go away so I could conjure up the angel in my head.
"Tanya, please just...leave me for a bit."
No way.
I realized I had to be more convincing. More forthcoming.
"I promise to join everyone later" I pleaded with a weak smile.
Tanya didn't buy it.
She rolled her eyes and sighed. "You always promise that. But every day is the same. You keep to yourself. I haven't seen alot of you and you have been here for weeks.."
I shrugged apologetically and looked away. "I am sorry for being a terrible guest. My mind has been elsewhere, I suppose" I murmured.
Tanya nodded and when I finally met her gaze, I saw her expression changing. From eager and expectant to hard. Blunt. She realized there was an opening in my demeanor, a way in to try and talk some sense into me. That or simply vent her opinion.
"I have to tell you Edward, your behaviour has been outward strange. Truly, I just don't understand the appeal."
I didn't like where she was going with this. I didn't want to hear what she had to say anymore. But her thoughts gave away that she'd been holding on to this for quite some time.
"I mean, I understand humans are fascinating to an extent, no one understand that better than I do. They're warm and attractive and not just for their blood. But we are talking about insignificant human teenage girl here. " she said in honest astounishment.
Why would he be attracted to that. Other than for her blood.
These words were the wrong ones - because there was a small truth in them and that hurt - and Tanya was rapidly pounding through the protective wall I had build around me. I didn't not want to talk about this and I wasn't ready to hear anyone share their opinion on it. I knew Tanya just wanted to put things in perspective. She wanted to show me that I was overreacting but the words sparked something in me entirely opposite to what she was probably trying to achieve.
Something almost as powerful as the emotions Alice had provoked out of me weeks earlier when she had showed me the visions of Bella. The images that had got me cheating in the first place. The actions that caused as much pain as they could. Before that, I had fought so hard against remebering. Now it was the only thing I had left. All thanks to Alice.
"Tanya, shut up! You have no idea what you are talking about" I snapped.
She held her hands up and snarled at me in defence. Clearly she did not appreciate my outburst.
"Easy there, Edward. No need to take that tone with me. I just meant to point out that life goes on. I am sure this Bella has moved on. Humans are good at finding new occupations rather quickly. Some of the men I had, never come around anymore. I don't wonder why, I do no get insecure. I simply look for new men. Replacements. It's much simpler than to pine after one person. " she explained as she pursed her lips into a seductive smile, as if to underline her point.
He should look for a replacement. I would be more than happy to be one.
The anger faded and the pain of the idea of replacing Bella pulsed through my dead veins. I woud have thrown up if such a thing were not impossible. Instead I shook my head in disgust.
Replacement.
Right. Like it was that simple.
Like all I had to do was replace her. She who was irreplaceable.
That was just impossible.
To be fair, in a way I admired Tanya and the life she had created for herself. It was free of emotion, and it didn't seem to bore her. But I was too upset with her dismissive tone to be generous about it.
"Why don't you go and look for replacements right now" I muttered.
She flashed me her teeth and shook her head. Her lips formed into a warm smile and she spoke softly.
"I apologize for saying anything bad. I don't know the girl but I am sure she was very appealing." she said, winking when speaking that last word.
I let slip a growl past my lips but Tanya rolled her eyes at that.
"Please, don't even try that with me. " she warned.
"We're having a little get together tonight, because your family is leaving soon. It's a party, I suppose. I think it would be highly appreciated if you joined" she said bitingly.
A party. The joy. I'd rather hurl myself off a cliff.
"I'll pass.." I whispered.
"Suit yourself. But one of these days someone is going to have enough. Your family will get tired of your behaviour. Maybe they'll kick you out!" she teased and then she flitted away.
I dropped myself to the floor and spend a brief yet pivotal moment thinking about Tanya's words. She was right. I had treated my family very badly.
My behaviour worried Carlisle and Esme. Jasper stayed away from me because he felt responsible for that same behaviour, like he had personally caused the entire situation, which was not true. His reaction at Bella's birthday party had only been the final straw to a series of events that had threatened her from the moment we met. I could hardly blame Jasper for my own stupidities, but he kept out of my way just the same. Which was fine by me. The less I had to deal with my family, the better. As much for their sake as it was for mine.
The only one who treated me without empathy was Alice. Her stance towards me had changed over the course of the time we were here. She put in less and less effort to deal with my moods. She was over it, according to her own thoughts.
It was a good thing Rosalie and Emmett left Denali to go on one of their many honeymoons. At least their absence wasn't my fault entirely. They were currently sight seeing in Europe. They'd started in Paris, where they had stayed for two weeks. But Emmett, short- attention - spanned as he was, got bored quickly and so they had moved on to Rome.
Or so I vaguely recalled from the travel-updates Alice had given me early on. She had stopped informing me after she realized I would respond very little to her stories. I had barely paid any attention to both Alice's stories as well as her moods about my unresponsiveness. I was just relieved I had not taken Emmett up on his offer to travel with him and Rosalie. It would have been disastrous if I had in fact joined them and the idea of being in a small radius of the happy couple nauseated me.
Even now, with them traveling another continent, I could imagine their love, their happiness.
Of course I was envious. They could actually take these trips.
I could only dream of this. Romantic trips to Europe.
I'd have to take these trips alone, if I ever wanted to, which I didn't.
Never would Bella be with me to enjoy the adventure.
And if she would travel, she'd do so with someone else.
I thought about the time that had passed since I had left her. I knew how it had gone for me but I wondered if Tanya was right about how humans found other occupations quickly. Wasn't that the same thing I had told Bella in the woods. That she would forget soon enough. And had she? Had Bella already moved on? There was no certain way of knowing this. I could easily ask Alice to look for Bella's future but that was forbidden territory. For both of us.
So all I could do was imagine, that by now, more than two months after I had left Forks, she was probably well underway to moving on, like Tanya had predicted. It was almost Christmas and I wondered if she would head to Florida to spend it with her mother and Phil. Or perhaps she would stay with Charlie and spend it with him.
And the Blacks.
The moment the thought entered my mind I rebuked myself.
It didn't matter. If this was in fact true, this was a good thing.
The Blacks hated me and my family but their intentions with Bella and Charlie had always been correct and if anything, Jacob was Bella's friend and surely he'd support her and make her smile. He seemed to be that kind of guy.
So no matter who Bella spend her time with, as long as she was happy than everything would be fine.
Besides it was not my place to judge these things or to even think about them.
I closed my eyes and tried to provoke the pain. But for some reason it didn't come out. Well no worse than it already ached. And no images dared to shown themselves in my thoughts right now.
I sighed and opened my eyes again, upset with being unable to let the image materialize again. I sprang to my feet and decided to go for a run. Perhaps it would help if I found a prey to force feed myself with.
I did this to keep Carlisle happy. He was very concerned I didn't satuate my thirst enough and often reminded me to go hunt.
But wasn't necessary to hunt. Most of the time I did not even want to.
And it wasn't like I would starve. I wasn't actually going to be that fortunate.
The snow was light under my feet and the wind blew in my face. It was glacial now without a hint of the heat I had felt earlier.
I could have ran for many miles, had it not been for a distraction I picked up on when I was only a few miles on my way. It wasn't a nearby prey I came across.
It were the thoughts of two people. Two wise people.
Carlisle and Esme. My loving parents.
I came to a halt behind a tall larch with a thick trunk which was quite alone in its existence at this altitude. It was so absurd to stand here and hide. Certainly they would pick up on me standing here soon enough. I backed down the direction I came from a little, still being able to hear what they were saying.
And thinking.
Listening to Carlisle and Esme talk made the hole in my chest burn and ache. They had so much wisdom, so much compassion.
There was so much love between them and they would never have to doubt it or leave one another to secure the other one's safety. Sure, they had paid a very high price by giving up their lives but it was not like either of them had ever had a choice in the matter. And in the end they had actually gained more than they had lost. Their love was strong enough to weather any storm.
As I heard them, I came to a halt on the snow-filled path and turned around. The larch blocked me from the vision, but it wouldn't take long for them to find me out.
I didn't mean to eavesdrop but it was inevitable just the same.
Not only could I hear them audibly, but also internally. I couldn't escape them even if I wanted to. And strangely enough it was impossible to move for the moment. I wanted to hear their thoughts, to know what was going on inside their minds. I owed them that much. To pay attention to something other than my own feelings. I wanted to be more selfless.
Of course, hearing their actual thoughts squashed my shortly obtained reason and made me want to run far far away. But I forced myself to keep still. And listen.
They were discussing their travel plans. I recalled hearing about this, thoug it was certain I had not paid alot of attention to the plans they had been making since we had arrived in they had decided upon going to Ithaca, NY.
After Christmas Carlisle would go and work part time at the Cayuga Medical Center and also he'd be lecturing night classes at Cornell. Jasper would also attend Cornell and study philosophy there.
Esme had her eyes set on restoring an old house there. Alice wasn't quite sure about what she wanted to do yet, but I'd picked up from her thoughts that she was debating on going off and find more information about her human days. Especially after James ' video in the ballet studio had sparked that flame.
Their plans were all quite solid, though Esme was wavering the most, accordig to Carlisle's thoughts. She was between a rock and a hard place about this, debating whether it would be best to stay here in Denali a while longer in hopes I would eventually recover. That or just force me to go with them to Ithaca. The latter seemed to be the more preferred option but also the toughest one to go by. All of them were well aware of how difficult it would be to get me to move across the country with them.
"I think he should go with us..", Esme spoke softly. It was heartwreching to hear the hope behind her wish.
Carlisle sighed and I could hear the muscles in his neck stretch through the motion of nodding.
Of course he wanted nothing more but to agree with Esme. But he knew better than that.
"I want him to go with us too." he said.
Esme's thoughts were hopeful, motherly. She believed that if she smothered me with motherly concern that it would heal me. Such idle wishes. Nothing could ever heal me.
Not even my kind-hearted mother. I felt bad for her. Hurt even, since I knew how big her compassion was. And how it made her suffer to see me like this. I wished her love could cure me, but I knew that wouldn't be the case. Even a woman with her understanding, her gentle soul couldn't save mine. I'd been sucked into that black hole far too deep.
Carlisle was less hopeful and far more cautious. Or rather, he was less optimistic about my state of mind than Esme was. More practical about it too.
In a way he knew me better than Esme did, which made sense since I was his first 'creation' and companion. Plus, he had been the first to learn of my mind reading.
He'll never go. I have no idea how to even convince him. If he stays here he'lll seclude himself even further. Up until a point where he won't even hunt anymore. I cannot allow that to happen.
My father didn't have the hope I'd join them but naturally, he wanted me to anyway and so he thought of ways to persuade me - hoping there was some common sense left in my mind so that I could try and be reasonable enough to understand how important it was to keep the family in tact. After all, without Rosalie and Emmett there, the Cullens were thinning out. And Carlisle and Esme both wanted for all of us to be complete again, once the happy couple would return from their holiday. If I joined them of course.
"You think he will?" Esme wondered
I could hear the optimism and expectance in her voice. And for a small moment I wanted to justify my mother's belief and go with them.
After all, how bad could Ithaca be? It couldn't be any worse - nor better - than any other place on earth they'd go to. It wasn't like location was a subject of importance to me.
I could go anywhere and not notice the geographical differences or the changing landscapes and population. It would all be the same to me.
So if that didn't matter, what did? Why was it so hard for me to move to Ithaca with my family.
The problem was that I could not stand to be around them. And I was not even ashamed about thinking it. I could not be around my family and hear their thoughts every single day.
Esme's worry. Carlisle's awareness of that worry. Not to mention the fact he seemed to know what was going on inside me. Even if he could not read my mind, like I could his.
I had to be away from all of it. Free from the possibility of more unwanted and forced upon fake visions from Alice's which would feed the cheating even more. Jasper's ever lasting guilt and attempts to control the pain that couldn't be soothed.
And then eventually, when Rosalie and Emmett would return from their honeymoon, I would have to be away from that too. I knew that dealing with their public displays of love would be too much to handle. Not to mention Emmett's attempts to cheer me up and Rosalie's revulsion and disapproval at my weakness.
"I don't know" Carlisle admitted. He sounded wary. I was't certain if Esme could hear it, but I sure could. Also, he was very much aware that someone was watching them. His mind had already registered it was me. I realized he could probably smell me and that Esme was too preoccupied with her worries to register it too.
Esme sighed and wrapped her arms around Carlisle's waist. He pulled her close and briefly pressed his lips to her forehead.
"I love you" I could hear him whisper and like a defense mechanism instantly locking itself, I wanted to turn and run. I was done listening to this, It had been a mistake to linger here. .This was worse than Tanya's internal sex drive, This was far too confronting.
And it was about to get worse for me because before I could move, I could hear Carlisle's voice.
"Edward, are you out there?" he asked with confidence. He was intuitive enough to know he was right.
"Is he?" Esme asked, bewildered.
I could have just ran but I didn't want to hurt them even more. So I turned and tried to be casual as I moved towards them.
Esme seemed happy to see me, as she flashed me a warm smile.
"Edward.." she beamed. But then she frowned.
He looks terrible. His eyes are pitchblack. He hasn't hunted in so long, she noted and the smile faded instanly.
"I am fine" I whispered and hoped it would be convincing. But the words sounded empty and the worrying frown on Esme's face didn't disappear.
"I should head back and help Tanya with organizing the party she has planned" Esme said and she started to walk away. Her hand quickly brushed against my cheek as she passed me.
"You will be there, right?" she asked.
She didn't even wait for my answer because she didn't want to be disappointed again when I'd decline.
Carlisle did.
"Will you?" he wondered with no conviction.
I shook my head.
"Edward, I worry about you. Esme does too. We all do.."
I didn't respond and stared off ito the distance. I could hear the quiet steps of hoofs nearby. But I wasn't thirsty anymore. I didn't want to taste blood and saturate my bloodlust. Never before had I damned my existence so much.
"I think you should come with us to Ithaca," Carlisle stated, "The last thing you need is to stay somewhere all alone."
Someone needs to make sure he will take care of himself.
"You need to be with family.."
It made sense and I didn't see how I could argue with him. Except that I didn't want to be around my family.
In truth, it boiled down to one thing. The reason I'd been keeping a distance from them, despite the fact I knew they simply wanted to help me. I didn't know how to be around them. It felt like torture to watch them go about their lives.
Their existence - limitedless and eternal - still had a purpose, still worth it.
Mine wasn't worth a damn thing. I was nothing but a pathetic creature, I didn't even know how to be a vampire anymore. So there was no purpose all around. And that would never change, surely Carlisle realized tis too.
"There's nothing there for me in Ithaca" I mumbled quietly.
"You could study. Or help me at the hospital. It would really mean so much to Esme if you joined us. She wants you to stay close.." he said softly.
I do too," he added.
I do not know what it would do to Esme if went off by himself. It would worry her far too much and I don't want to put her through that.
"Please, do not hold out on feeding my guilt" I muttered at the sound of his thoughts.
"I am not trying to manipulate you, you must know better than that. But I don't understand why you would want to stay here alone," he clarified his thoughts.
"I...I don't know. I just don't think it would be a good idea to go with you.."
"Keeping to yourself and wandering around isn't such a good idea either.." Carlisle pointed out.
"Now tell me the real reason" he demanded, seeing straight through my wavering.
"I can't take it, alright. I know I am being incredibly selfish and I truly do not want to cause Esme or any of you even the slightest hint of pain or have everyone worry so much, but I need to be alone. " I nearly shouted.
"It's better that way, trust me, " I stated, "I am only a pest to all of you. You're better off without me there."
Why wouldn't any of them listen to me and leave me alone. I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. They should just move on with their life without me so that my moods would not be of influence to them.
"Why? Why do you need to be alone, son?"
It wasn't a rebuking question, Carlisle was sincere, as always. He truly wanted to know. I was surprised he hadn't figured it out. He was usually more observant than I was.
I thought about it for a second but I didn't have a concrete answer. It wasn't easy to explain.
The pain wasn't something that allowed itself to be put into words. The emotion behind the torment both literally as well as figuratively muted me.
I tried to answer Carlisle sincerely but I was sure the words barely covered what I was truly feeling.
"I can't stand the thoughts, the mindsets. I know you cannot help it, but it is easier to deal with everything when I am alone..." I attempted to explain.
"I suppose that makes sense" Carlisle agreed.
"But that doesn't mean you can't go with us. Perhaps you could stay by yourself, have some place to live in Ithaca. Another apartment is always a nice investment. You could even live there alone, if you prefer. As long as you would still be close enough for us to know how to reach you."
I knew he didn't just mean that, so that my family could pay me a social visit if they felt like it. This wasn't about staying in touch. He was worried I would go off the deep end if my family would not remain close enough to check up on me and make sure I wouldn't d anything stupid.
"I just don't know, Carlisle. I wish things were be simpler. But they aren't ."
"Explain that, please?" he pushed gently.
I knew he did not want to force anything out of me. At the same time he was curious. It was the first time in weeks we had more than a two sentence conversation and he wanted nothing more but to keep me talking.
"I never expected it to...hurt this much.." I whispered in agony, "It's unbearable. I don't know how I am going to survive.."
Thinking about the pain and the eternity of it, automatically meant I had to experience a fresh round of the ripping torment inside my chest.
Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder.
"I know.." he simply said.
He meant to be comforting but how could he know? He was not the one alone so how could he even recognize the pain. I was sure he couldn't. My father triumphed me in many ways, but I was convinced I beat him in experiencing grande amounts of pain.
"So if you don't want to join us. What is the alternative?" he wondered quietly.
What was the alternative. That was the million dollar question.
I could stay here in Denali a while longer. But I was quite certain that would end up being worse than joining my family in Ithaca.
Already I had a difficult time avoiding Tanya and she was quite aware of my presence and my mood, which was similar to the last time I'd been here.
Except much worse.
The last time I was here...
I tried very hard not to remember that. Though the experience this time around was surprisingly similar to that time last year. Where I hadn't been able to shake off the images of her chocolate eyes in my mind. How they had obscured my vision then. How they were still the most prominent projection in my mind now.
And of course the images would resurface right this moment, as the pain spreaded throug my body.
I closed my eyes and allowed the mirage to sharpen and define itself. I could feel a smile curling up my lips.
I gasped softly, overwhelmed by the wicked combination of the excruciating pain and the magical appearance of her face.
I was cheating again. And how could I not? There was simply no way to ignore the way her eyes filled my vision and how the image took over all the sense I had gained in the last few minutes while talking openly to my father. I had no choice but to obey. To drown in their depths before the pain would leave behind its mark with some fresh burning scars after the images would evaporate again.
I was surprised I managed to not get sidetracked with Carlisle standing right there. He seemed surprised too.
He is smiling. Edward is actually smiling...genuinly.
"What are you doing?" he asked with strong fascination burning in his voice.
His voice alerted me and I snapped out of it immediately. I opened my eyes and shrugged apologetically.
"It's nothing.." I mumbled, as I internally fought the aftershock of the images and the excruciating pain accompanying them.
Liar, someone commented from behind me.
I rolled my eyes and called this person out.
"Alice.." I concluded wryly.
Carlisle turned to look and see how Alice jumped down from the branches of the larch behind us.
"Have you been eavesdropping?" Carlisle rebuked her gently.
She ignored his question and kept her eyes on me. I didn't look at her but from my peripheral vision I saw that there was a hint of speculation in them. And she shielded her thoughts from me again by reciting an unfamiliar rap song.
Which meant she was here with a purpose. And surely one I wasn't going to enjoy.
"We're leaving soon. " Alice announced as she came to our side. "After the party, tonight"
Party? What was their to celebrate? Then I remembered Tanya's invitiation. A goodbye-gathering for my family before they departed to Ithaca.
She ignored me and turned to Carlisle. "Esme needs some help with some of the books you want to take with you. She asked for me to call you so you can help her sort through them" she explained.
"So I wasn't eavesdropping. I was on a mission" she winked.
She sure was, just not a mission of being the messenger. I was already dreading the direction in which this was heading.
Carlisle nodded and smiled at Alice before he turned his attention back to me.
"Think about it." he gently ordered me.
He took a fluent leap and landed on the branch Alice had been hiding. It wasn't before long that his thoughts faded as he darted through the thinning woods to make his way back to Tanya's house.
Alice stood across from me, still eyeing me speculatively. This was such a deja-vu. Had we not been here before? Last time she had tried to force me out of my misery by showing me visions of Bella. And as a result I now saw them all the time. Granted, I wanted to see them, in spite of the further damage they inflicted on me. I wondered what her modus operandi would be this time.
"You're not going to me with us, are you?" she said.
There was no vision flashing in her mind. She didn't need to look for my future. There was no point.
Because there was no future.
"I can't see what you'll do or where you'll go instead," she clarified her statement, "Just that you won't be with us"
No future. Just endlessness.
I didn't speak and looked at the floor. I wanted to close my eyes and call out the mirage. The voice. The amazing beauty. The pain was more appealing than another one of Alice's lectures.
I didn't want to have this discussion with my sister. If Carlisle couldn't convince me with logic than Alice was certainly not going to with pleading or manipulation. I was not going to fall for that again.
"Ithaca won't be so bad. " she said.
And she was right. It wouldn't be bad.
It would be the same.
The same as any other place where Bella would not be.
Hollow.
But what would make it worse would be the thing I had already pointed out to Carlisle. The idea of coping with my family's mindsets was just too much, I knew it made me selfish and that it was not their fault, but I couldn't help it.
Alice seemed to see right through that.
"I know you'd rather be alone" she coaxed, "but you can brood in Ithaca too. And the visions of Bella won't stay away if you keep conjuring them up. I am certain they are not limited to location."
I looked at her, eyes wide in surprise. "How did you know..."
"That you were cheating?" Alice finished my sentence.
"Why do you think I showed her to you a few weeks ago? I am sure you believe I tried to manipulate you out of this depression. And I admit, that was part of it. But mostly, I wanted you to wake up. Which failed because all you did was...well nothing. You did nothing. You aren't doing much better, but I see a small difference. It is there, albeit marginal. I didn't want recovering to take you forever, or until you see Bella again" she explained.
See Bella again. That was out of the question, unless I took my cheating to a new level and went back to Forks. And recovering from the loss? That was impossible.
But wait...
See Bella again? Did Alice truly believe this was going to happen?
No! I reigned myself in. That's out of the question! Remember your promise. Her safety, her happiness. Best achieved with your absence.
"Alice," I spat in frustration, "If I didn't believe you manipulated me before, I certainly see what you are trying to do now. You crossed a line when you showed me those visions and you have no idea how hard I have to fight to stay here. How it cuts whenever I see her face in my mind. No torment could be worse than that and I know a thing or two about torment. But I allowed it, so I cannot fully blame you. But this, this constant pushing me into Bella's future, I cannot let you do that. So stop looking for future images. It's never going to happen. Ever!"
At first her expression was slightly awed. Then it changed to smug, and I could tell why. She had succeeded again. She had angered me, which was an entirely different emotion from the one I had been displaying for weeks now. A breakthrough to her. Kind of like Tanya had done earlier, how she had provoked me with her thoughts. Anger was a more upbeat emotion compared to the usual sunken mental state I was in nowadays.
But then, suddenly her features froze into a shocked and worried mask.
I knew exactly what was coming.
A new vision.
"Alice," I warned her in shock, "Stop that! I won't have it!"
"Too late" she muttered as her eyes became unfocused on some unbeknownst future event.
"Don't go there!" I begged her. I didn't want to see it. Whatever it was.
But she was right. It was already too late.
It took me one second to see it flash in Alice's mind.
The dark haired man with the olive toned skin. I recognized him instantly, though my mind didn't quite register the significance. But it was him.
Laurent.
The man who'd been a part of James' coven. Mistakingly believed to have been the leader. He had been the one to warn us about James. After which he had traveled further up north. To Denali.
The images showed a seductive setting. Laurent staying at the house with Tanya and her family. Getting intimate with Irina and sometimes Tanya too. I was thankful the movements were too blurry to be specific.
Then the vision switched to something that looked like fire. It reminded me of the bonfire my brother had set to burn the pieces of James' body. I could even smell it from the horrible memory. But as the image defined itself. the fire shifted and shaped intself into something more clear, making it look like dancing strands of hair.
Fire-red hair.
This too failed to fully register with me. Why would Alice show me this. It made no sense.
Then there was nothing. Alice shifted her weight and rubbed the side of her head to sooth the afterpain.
"Are you tricking me again?" I growled in accusation.
Alice shook her head. "No, I am not. That was a real vision. Like the one we saw the other time of you and Bella. You holding her near a stone wall. I still haven't figured out the significance of that one" she admitted.
I knew the reason for that. There was no significance. That vision had been a lie. A mistake. Like this one. It meant nothing.
"You promised not to look for things" I reminded her.
"You know I cannot exactly control these things" she shot back.
"I don't actively look for her future, Edward" she assured me.
"So what does this one mean then?" I wondered.
Did this vision have something to do with Bella? Alice was convinced it did.
"More proof you and Bella aren't done" she stated with confidence.
I shot her a warning glare, but she dismissed me by continuing. "Think about it. Why would I see Laurent? I mean, out of the three of them, he was the most harmless and rather insignificant. And we know he went and stayed here for a while. "
"Your point..." I urged.
"It's not about him. But he is significant in a way, I think" she pondered.
As Alice tried to make sense of her vision, something suddenly hit me. And when it did, it brought with an entirely new level of pain.
The vision wasn't about Laurent. He was just the trigger. A tool. The purpose he most likely always served throughout his entire existence.
This was about the fire-red hair.
Which belonged to a woman.
Victoria.
Admittedly I had not paid much attention to her when she was with James. Now I wished I had.
The moment the thought and sight of her occupied my mind with the warning of her flaming red hair, was the moment I felt a fury, rumbling deep inside me.
Thinking about her, made the venom burn in my throat and I let slip a fierce growl. I realized what Alice's vision meant.
"Alice..", I hissed.
She gasped as she saw my determination in her mind. A fresh vision. A decision very different from either staying here or joining my family in Ithaca.
"She is out there, Edward" she spoke matter of factly, knowing what her vision meant. For me.
For Bella.
It is only a matter of time until she shows up somewhere. Somewhere near Bella. Unless you do something.
She was right. It was only a matter of time.
And because I hadn't observed her closely last spring, I hadn't thought Victoria to be a threat. Another mistake on my part. One I had to correct.
But now I could. She was never going to come near Bella. I'd make sure of that.
Even if I couldn't be near Bella, a distance solely designed to protect her, I'd still do everything in my power to keep her safe. Especially if I wasn't the danger for a change. And this wasn't cheating, I wasn't breaking my promise. This actually served the idea of keeping Bella safe and happy.
Keeping her safe, albeit from a distance. And she would never have to know.
Also, it would at the very least be an interesting distraction from fighting these urges to cheat. Perhaps it could even muffle the yearnings that had me longing to return to Forks.
And so I knew what I had to do.
"I am going hunting"
First off, sorry for the long wait. Thanks for all your support and reviews. For those who are interested: I added a bit to chap 3 and 4, it's an idea I got from MissChrysalide, who pointed out that perhaps Edward took the photos Bella send to her mom, when he was supposed to drop them off in the mailbox. I did take on that idea in some fashion, so MissChrysalide, thanks for pointing it out!
As for this chapter and the title: Edward is cheating. Not with another woman, but he is cheating on himself. Ever since Alice sort of 'awakened' him in the last chapter he is fantasizing about Bella, remembering her and ripping himself apart in the process. Also, he forbade Alice to look for her future and yet he cheats by going after Victoria. We all know he'd never go off and find her if he didn't believe she could be a threat to Bella. And Edward cheats on his family too, by paying little attention to his surroundings and their lives. Finally: I am aware that this was a chapter similar to the last one. From now on, there will be more action again.
Please R&R!