Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.

CHAPTER 10: WAVERING

"Attention all passengers. Flight 234SP to Sao Paolo will board at gate FW23 in thirty five minutes."

Finally.

I was waiting at the terminal at Fort Worth International Airport in Dallas, waiting for my flight to Guarulhos-International-Airport in Sao Paolo.

I was waiting for Alice to call me back.

She had called me as I had arrived at the airport. I had missed the call, so she'd left me a message.

Apparently, she had tried to provoke a vision of Victoria to get more information than the simple assumption she was heading for Brazil.

As a result my voicemail held a vague message now about Alice being 90 percent certain Victoria was in fact heading for Brazil.

My sister had also recommended me to book a flight to Sao Paolo – with the promise she'd contact me as soon as she knew more or saw something new.

I had given in to her 90 percent accuracy, ignoring the 10 percent that was nagging to tell me that maybe my sister was wrong.

I had booked a flight with a long wait before takeoff unfortunately. Not to mention the prospect of having to fly coach, because first class was full. I wasn't a snob, but mentally speaking first class was usually a lot quieter than coach.

After five long hours the end was near. Well, metaphorically speaking anyway. It wasn't the end of all endings. Not yet.

I might come to that point someday though. Jump off that bridge when I'd have no other options, no prospects in life anymore.

Not like I had many right now, but there was still a purpose for things.

For the time being.

I had to follow Victoria to Brazil, corner her there and rip her flesh apart.

Then burn the pieces and be done with it.

I was relieved the time to board the plane wasn't long now. Any second passing with me sitting in a crowded terminal was a second wasted.

It didn't really help my sanity either. Being forced to do nothing gave me too much room to do the one thing I was trying not to do. The one I definitely shouldn't be doing.

Close my eyes and cheat. I wanted to, especially right now – the terminal was noisy and warm, the voices around trying to penetrate my mind with a ruthless sting. I needed something to calm me.

I wished for sleep.

Since that was never going to happen, I checked my phone instead, again noticing no messages from Alice.

No new message equaled no new vision.

Which meant the 10 percent doubt that was lingering in my mind was simmering, boiling to the surface. How much did I really have to go on here?

Alice hadn't exactly seen a big flashy neon sign that pinpointed Victoria to Brazil. It was all bits and pieces; too many bits, not enough clear pieces to make up a vision I could actually go on.

My sister was 90 percent sure. That would be good test score for anyone. Except for me. For me it was like getting a B on a test you'd studied for nights in a row. A disappointment.

I had to admit; in a way I was glad that Alice hadn't contacted me. No new vision meant Bella was safe. For now.

It also meant she was only safe from Victoria, as far as I knew. I had no way of knowing if she was safe from other dangers, since I had specifically asked Alice not to look for Bella's future in any way. We'd agreed that Victoria was the only exception to that rule. I had no idea if there were other dangers that could possibly affect Bella's future.

Not to mention the fact dangers came in much degradation.

For instance; I had been a danger to Bella, my nearing presence an everlasting threat when I'd been in her life - but I was out of the equation. I had done the right thing by leaving. It didn't mean I wasn't trying to protect her from a distance, as well as I could manage - but at least I was no longer a direct threat.

So that was one evident threat she was no longer being subjected to.

But then, there were other factors; dangers I couldn't control. Not unless I'd ask Alice to actively look for all aspects of Bella's life and not have her only attune herself to the threat Victoria presented.

And I could not do that. I could not risk my own sanity, but especially Bella's safety by having Alice look for every decision, every moment that affected Bella and her life; her future. That would only lead down a road which would bring me back in Forks again because I would never be able to stay away.

Also, I wasn't certain if the idea of knowing the specifics on Bella's current state of wellbeing was that appealing regardless of the strong desire to know how she was doing. I feared more than anything that she had moved on – which was an irrational fear because it had been the sole reason of my departure – and that she was happy.

But that's what you wanted, I chided myself. The entire purpose of this everlasting blackness, the hole in my chest as the reminder of the loss I carried. As long as Bella was happy than every moment of torment was worth it. Bella's life was more important than my own selfishness.

I sighed, closing my eyes as I waited for the time to board.

I was definitely spending way too much time in airports these days. It kept me busy so I couldn't allow myself to go back to the sharp stinging but oh so tempting dark pits of depression which led me to the bliss of obliviously worshipping the mirage of Bella in my mind for as long as it lasted.

Or could I...

Closing my eyes was never a good thing. It usually gave Bella the perfect opportunity to make an appearance, knowing it was impossible for me not to cheat. Nobody preferred the darkness in their soul to be the thing they saw when closing their eyes. I didn't want to get lost in the darkness. And she knew this. Like the angels she was, she never let me linger in the dark to long. Like a beacon of light, she always knew how to find me.

The apparition of Bella didn't disappoint. As I struggled to adjust to the darkness behind my mind, reflecting my empty soul and the hollow where my heart had been, a small stream of light spread itself through my subconscious.

The focus always started the same.

On her full red lips. They looked warm and inviting.

I wanted to lean in and kiss them.

Then, as the image started to zoom out, I would notice her porcelain skin. Breakable and fragile. Translucent. Reminding me of the beast I was. How I could harm her with one single touch.

Her eyes, smiling and knowing. Beckoning me to look at her and drown in the deep chocolate pools.

I wanted nothing more but to do just that.

Keeping my eyes closed I tuned out everyone around me. The voices and whispers were small stabs to my mind, but they never penetrated the thick almost fog-like hallucination I found myself in whenever Bella was around.

I could only see her face. Never her body. But it was enough. Enough to hold me over. For now.

I could feel the heat of her blood staining her cheeks.

Her lips moved, calling out for me. I was a man without hearing, like all I had was the ability to read her lips. I didn't need the words to be said out loud…I knew them by heart. My cold dead absent heart.

Edward, I love you…

While the mirage didn't speak, her voice rang loud and clear in my head.

My eyes snapped open, abruptly. It was as thrilling as it was haunting to hear her voice. Likely a pale comparison to the soft but clear voice I'd heard so many times.

I could still taste her appetizing blush on my tongue. It made me thirsty and instantly I was back in the harsh and cold reality of what I was, of why I had left her in the first place.

These mirages were getting out of hand. They never evolved into anything more promiscuous or dangerous, because I was far enough away from Bella to do something about it, but there was always the risk that my thoughts would eventually force the illusions to take over what little sanity I had left, allowing my mind to snap. Which would ultimately result in the final break in my resolve to leave Bella be.

I tasted the venom in my throat and wanted to smash something. It made me aggressive and I hated how the monster, always present somewhere deep down in my core, was roaring and rejoicing at my weakened state.

That was the other alternative. Either my mind would snap, or the monster would return. Maybe both.

I swallowed back the venom as I looked around me and realized – thankfully – that none of these people appealed to me at the moment.

They smelled human, I could smell their blushes, I could hear their hearts beating – some stronger than others which made me hope for decent medical aid at the airport – I could hear the course of blood running through their veins. With some I noticed the pressure point of the carotid artery throbbing prominently, but it never made me want to hurt them or worse; kill them.

The mere thought of watching these people like they were 'snacks to go' repulsed me almost as much the fact I was forgetting the entire purpose of why I was here.

The point of sitting here, in a crowded terminal, with people who shouted their thoughts at me, was to protect Bella the only way I knew how, by eliminating Victoria and keeping a safe distance – Brazil would have to do- it was far enough to keep me from heading straight to Washington state.

I checked the big clock on the south wall of the terminal. More people did. Twenty five minutes until boarding.

Come on, Alice. Give me something.

I contemplated calling her, demanding a vision of her, but I figured that she would probably tell me to take a hike. Or something in more colorful words.

After which she'd probably start another ramble about the family, who I assumed were getting settled in, in Ithaca.

The problem was however, that while I was in no mood to deal with Alice's rants, I needed some kind of guidance, any kind of hint as to what I could expect next and more importantly, what I needed to do now.

Alice didn't have any new visions, the last thing we were certain of, was how Victoria had gone to Brazil. By truck. This was odd in itself. Why would she not travel by plane?

She may be more savage, but she certainly wasn't stupid. Travelling to Brazil by truck would take her far too long.

So the question became: Did Alice's vision of Victoria belong to the 90 percent certainty that Victoria was heading to Brazil? Or was it then 10 percent of my own instincts telling me I was making a mistake…

I checked the clock again. Fifteen minutes until boarding.

I was starting to dislike airports. They were crowded, chaotic and filthy.

Alright, so I was a snob sometimes.

I sat there impatiently, realizing I had no choice but to in fact call Alice now. I was about to get on a plane with no idea if I was on the right track. Maybe my sister's clever musings would help with trying to process Victoria's actions so far.

While I hated the idea of not being able to figure it out for myself, I was at a loss for clues and with that it almost seemed pointless to travel all the way to Sao Paolo if I didn't even know where to look for Victoria next.

I stood and almost ran to the nearest rest room, speed dial ready.

As soon as I had some privacy, I pressed the call button. It took Alice half a second to pick up.

"You rang?" Alice's voice shrilled in my ear.

"Alice, I don't have much time, I am boarding in ten minutes. Please tell me you have had a new vision?" I urged.

My desperation knew no boundaries nowadays. Which naturally, Alice picked up on…

"Easy, Edward. These things can't be demanded out of me. No matter how much you need it." She spoke sternly.

"Alice, I am about to fly to Brazil of all places to chase some rogue vampire who apparently, doesn't know the convenience of airplanes, if we go by your vision. I have no idea when she will arrive in Brazil, I don't know where she will arrive," I explained in a rush.

"Hmm," was all Alice could say.

"Alice, tick-tock"

"Hmm," she started again. "I seem to recall that we spoke about this a few hours ago."

"You know, your impatience, the rudeness. I suppose you learned nothing. No surprise."

"I don't have time for drama, Alice" I spoke, - indeed- impatiently.

"Well," she said icily, "I don't have time for rudeness."

"Alice, eight minutes..." I warned.

"Stop mentioning the time. I get it; Edward is impatient, Edward wants information."

"So give Edward HIS information," I grumbled.

"Talking in the third person is a little strange. Just so you know. First sign of insanity," she joked dryly.

"Of course, you are well on your way with that. You know you have to stop doing that thing where you close your eyes and push your own mind to see her. It will drive you mad eventually."

It already did.

"Thank you Alice, MD. Now, Victoria?"

"Is heading to Brazil," she said.

"With that truck? That will take her days," I pointed out.

"I get flashes of San Antonio road signs and smell a hint of kerosene which would mean she did or will get on a plane. She could be near San Antonio now and travel somewhere from San Antonio Airport …" Alice said.

"Or she will soon," she added

"Somewhere from San Antonio Airport?" I repeated.

"That somewhere being Brazil, I hope" I added before Alice could answer.

"I keep seeing flashes of the letters S A O P and L on a piece of paper. Plus, I see her in a forest. It smells wet and humid. Could be rain forest..."

Those letters seem a little too convenient, my mind countered. They sound like Sao Paolo when you put them together, but is that really where she is headed…

"Could be is not good enough," I spoke firmly.

"Alice, I have five minutes left before I board a plane to Brazil," I hissed.

"Edward, the piece of paper I see could be a plane ticket and the letters practically scream Sao Paolo. Plus the smell, the atmosphere. It's humid and wet…"

"Sao Paolo doesn't have rainforests, Alice"

"Well she can't exactly arrive in a rain forest…"

I sighed. "I feel like we are missing something…"

"Edward, we know she is heading somewhere. If not Sao Paolo, a new vision will tell me."

"If not Sao Paolo than I am travelling to Brazil for nothing. That would be a great waste of time." I pointed out.

The last thing I needed was to end up in South America, while Victoria would travel Lord knows where…

"She won't come near Forks, Edward." Alice assured me. "I would see if she did."

"And if she did, I would be in Brazil, Alice …" I shot back.

"Plus, it's not like you are managing to keep track on her now, so why would you be able to see if she came near Bel...Forks?"

"I'll keep an eye on her. Like I promised."

"You promised not to look for anything that has to do with Bella," I warned.

"Only in regards to Victoria do I peek," she admitted.

"You do look for visions of Bella?" I choked. "You promised you wouldn't..."

"I don't look. I am simply staying attuned to the idea of Victoria showing up in Forks."

"And so far she hasn't, because she seems to be heading to Brazil. So, get yourself on that plane and call us when you arrive in Brazil. I know you have to shut your phone off, so I'll text if anything happens in the mean time…"

And with that she hung up on me.

A part of me was screaming to turn and head back to my rental car. Or re-book my flight to Seattle. But I knew that was the part of me, in great desire and need to see Bella.

Maybe that was the10 percent that was protesting so much. Maybe I was mentally sabotaging myself so I didn't have to go to Brazil.

Go to Forks instead, because Victoria would force me to. The perfect excuse.

The wrong sentiment.

And so I turned on my heel and headed for the gate where my plane to Sao Paolo was boarding.

I made it into the plane about twenty minutes later, which was the longest time, filled with the chaos of college students heading to Brazil for some vacation – weren't they supposed to be in school – and some elderly couple who were travelling to meet family all cackling loudly and full of enthusiasm.

I hated airports.

Their thoughts were jumbled and incoherent because I tried my hardest to tune them out. I was losing my touch. I could hear their voices, inner and outer but the words and sentences didn't register the way they used to. The flight attendant checking my ticket had given me a flirtatious smile, but all I could think of was the unease I felt with the idea of getting on a plane that would take me further away from Bella.

Wait, had I not – like a small hour ago – been thankful to be getting away from her because that would ensure her safety?

Why was it so hard to leave now?

You're leaving the continent. No vampire speed will get you near Bella fast enough now, if something bad happens to her.

I shuddered at the thought of that, which the smiling flight attendant took for me being cold and so she offered me a blanket. I declined and dismissed her with a friendly yet slightly intimidating glance. It made her retreat instantly.

Since I was flying coach, I wasn't fortunate enough to be seated alone.

I was actually seated next to a woman named Marge.

Marge was a force to be reckoned with. Inside and outside. Her voice was high pitched and loud. Her inner voice, if possible, was even louder. She was basically constantly screaming at me with her bellowing laughter over every little thing she found to be hilarious.

I could not kill her on the plane…

I sighed. I could not kill her at all.

Of course… my sighing made Marge tilt her head my way, smiling encouragingly in hopes I would share the reason behind my sigh with her and she could strike up a conversation.

I definitely didn't want to do that.

"Something the matter, young man?" she asked, flat out ignoring my evident resistance to talk to her.

No, leave me alone. Please stop talking and go sleep or whatever you humans do.

I shook my head politely.

It was strange how intolerant I was around humans when Bella was not near me to make me feel alive. I realized I was losing my humanity again. This was a little terrifying. It made me capable of feral, animalistic things. Which would come in handy when hunting Victoria sure, but once the monster appeared, it would be difficult to tame him again.

Only Bella had ever managed to tame the beast

My subconscious poked me, giving me the kind of feeling I'd interpret as nausea had I still been a human.

"You look very pale, ya need me to call a flight attendant?" Marge pushed.

"No, I am alright," I assured her.

"You travelling alone then?" Marge asked, her thick southern accent piercing through my ears.

I simply nodded and turned my face away, hoping she would understand I was not in the mood to chat.

She didn't.

I supposed under different circumstances I could have used my charm to politely tell her I was not in the mood to carry on a conversation, but my mind was already in overload, trying to figure out Victoria's next move. I had no energy to deal with this woman.

Unfortunately, that held no merit for Marge.

"I'm gonna visit ma daughter in Sao Paolo. She married this Brazilian man last spring. Beautiful ceremony, though half the guests didn't speak any Spanish..."

Portuguese.

"We had such a blast. They are expecting a baby now. I'm gonna be a nana"

I gave her a weak smile. "Congratulations."

She smiled even wider. "I got all these little baby things knit up....though I was thinkin' that baby might not need lil'baby hats in that temperature..."

She laughed hard at that, while I wanted to cringe.

It wasn't so much that I hated her for talking to me. Her enthusiasm could have been perceived as infectious to anyone but me.

I couldn't even put myself in the shoes of this woman in terms of happiness. I mean, married, babies. Grandmother. It reeked of some kind of happily ever after for her family.

I wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to be alright. That someday I would find the same type of happiness this woman next to me clearly emanated so exuberantly.

She was lucky that way. I wasn't. I would never be happy again and I certainly would never be a husband and have children. Let alone grandchildren.

That would never, ever happen.

The thought of this, of course made me sad. More sad than I could have possibly imagined. It was terrifying to realize I was truly on the brink of death now, maybe not physically, but emotionally, it was only a matter of time.

I wanted to smash something, again. I wanted to run like I had done many times in Alaska.

The monster was growling, irritated I was so desperate to wallow in my humanity.

"You alright, son?" Marge wondered.

"You really look a lil' pale."

You have no idea.

"Not a fan of flying," I spoke quietly.

That was not a lie. I wasn't a fan of sitting still, doing nothing. Especially now, when I had no idea what Victoria was up to and if I'd ever catch her.

For some reason it didn't seem like I would.

"Why are you heading to Brazil?"

Good question...why was I heading to Brazil? Was what I believed to find there, actually there?

"My sister is there," I lied.

"She lives there?"

I shook my head. "Not permanently. Just for a little while."

"She staying in Sao Paolo?" Marge wondered

I nodded again.

"Well, Sao Paolo is a big city, let me tell you."

Great. That would make it so much more difficult to find Victoria.

The most frustrating thing at this point was the idea that it didn't really matter what I did, because my brain was obviously not in any way assisting with trying to put together the possible location I'd find Victoria or at least find fresh tracks of her.

Marge had a point; Sao Paolo was big. Big enough to get lost in. Big enough to never be found in. Or at least not in time.

Plus, the biggest nag in my mind was the idea that I was missing something, that something was staring me right in the face, something that had yet to click in my mind.

My mind seemed out of normal order anyway, since I could barely make out all the murmurs in the small confinement I found myself stuck in. Even Marge's loud inner voice didn't manage to push through the walls of my thoughts.

Like there was nothing going in and definitely nothing coming out. No coherency whatsoever.

I decided to ignore Marge and simply pretend to be asleep. Thankfully she found herself distracted by some movie and actually let me be.

Hours later we arrived in Sao Paolo. Never before had a country felt so foreign to me. There was a strange edge to how I felt. I'd been to Brazil before, more than a few decades earlier. Never had I felt home sick or frightened to be somewhere and right now, stepping off the plane, I felt more than unease and nerves to be in an unfamiliar place.

Something wasn't right. No matter how I twisted and turned it, something about me being here, didn't fit. It was too strange, too senseless. Too impulsive.

I picked up my luggage and looked for an exit. The humid warm Brazilian attacked me as soon as I was outside. It was about 11.00 PM and the airport was quieter now.

I found a little corner and took out my phone.

Alice had texted me.

Call me as soon as you can. It's urgent!

That didn't bode very well…

I dialed the number and she picked up at the first ring.

"Edward, are you in Sao Paolo?"

"Where else, Alice?" I muttered sarcastically.

I expected a clever come back but it never came. Instead, Alice was quiet.

Like she was hiding something.

"Alice…"

"You're going to hate me…" she mumbled.

No. No way. This was not going to lead to where I suspected it to lead.

"Why?" I spat, mentally bracing myself for what was coming.

"I may have been wrong earlier…"

"I think you may have been right. Victoria may not be in Brazil…'

"Alice," I growled. "What do you mean when you say 'Victoria may not be in Brazil?"

"I don't think she went to Brazil."

What the hell? I was here in Sao Paolo and Victoria wasn't?

"You were certain..."

"I was, but my latest vision is just off. I see her hair again, the red waves of curls like before and the water also, like she is swimming. But I no longer see those letters I saw before."

"Maybe she changed her mind..." Alice added

"You just made me fly to Brazil for nothing!!" I nearly yelled.

"I didn't know, Edward. I didn't have this new vision until you were already out of reach."

"But why? All of this is senseless. Why are your visions changing?"

"I do not know, Edward. Victoria is not easy to keep track off..."

No, she wasn't, she knew how to self preserve very well. Why had I forgotten about that all this time?

"But the confusion? You see her everywhere but not in the place I need her to be?"

Like in Brazil…

"Her mind must be very chaotic. But in the psychotic, 'creeping up on you' way, you know. It's not like ADD, it's so chaotic, it gives you no clear sense of what she wants," Alice explained.

I want her to be in Sao Paolo…

"She was in Sulphur Springs. The proof was there. Why would she go to a small Texan city, travel south, make it look like going to Brazil and then....nothing..." Alice recapped.

"Absolutely nothing," I muttered.

"It makes no sense…"

"Where do you think she is?" I asked, defeated. Wherever she was, she was certainly not here.

"Well, the trigger was Laurent. But we decided he was worthless in the actual vision, just a ploy. I saw Victoria in the water...like I do now...but I don't know where it is..."

"Because she isn't showing you?"

"Her mind is too chaotic, but smart enough to make the chaos work for her. To make sure I can't see."

That made sense. It was all about self preservation with Victoria. It was her strength.

"But if she is so self-preserving, why show us enough to make me travel to Texas, to Brazil..."

The moments the words left my mouth, was the moment everything clicked. How I had tracked her so easily in the beginning. How she had let me. All the way down to Brazil.

Where she wasn't.

"Edward...."

Shit.

I never swore, but right now I wanted to utter some profanities. I also wanted to kick something.

Me.

"She tricked me....."

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Edward now knows Victoria tricked him. Under normal circumstances he would have been able to put it together sooner, but Victoria's biggest strength is self preservation and Edward has never been able to pick up on much from her. Even Alice is quite blind to her, so to speak. Plus Edward's too busy being depressed. Which is about to get worse…

Well, he made it to Brazil; he can only get closer to Italy from here. As I go along the chapters will be longer again, especially once we get to Italy.

Thanks for all the support, always appreciated :)