Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, the New Moon dialogues, parts of the plot and character names. All other plotlines, characterizations, and details belong to the author: Bronzehyperion. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without the author's authorization. ©2009-2010 Bronzehyperion. All rights reserved worldwide.

What happened previously:

Shit.

I never swore, but right now I wanted to utter some profanities. I also wanted to kick something.

Me.

"She tricked me....."

CHAPTER 11: ACCEPT DEFEAT

Piercing stares captured me in their sphere. They were demanding me to stare right back. Their eyes spoke words I could hear without sounds. Their thoughts gave away the sounds that hadn't escaped their lips.

What are you?

People were staring at me intently.

It didn't come as a surprise.

Of course I stood out here; pale white complexion, not even the slightest hint of being sun-kissed. I might as well have had the word "outcast" tattooed on my forehead.

Only that could have drawn even more attention to the way I was exposing myself by walking around here. The upside was that it was a cloudy overcast day. Adding the sun to my appearance would have been a disaster.

I was clearly a novelty. The humans staring at me were either very dark-skinned or their complexion had an olive-colored tone. It was apparent they were natives.

The people resembling me in some way were either possible immigrants or tourists.

And they stood out far less than me for some reason. I suppose it made sense. Some people had the natural ability to realize we, my family and I, were something beyond the realm of normalcy. Not plain tourists or humans with a pale complexion.

They instinctively knew we were something entirely different. Something mystical. In these regions – South America - there were legends about my kind. Legends that weren't used for spooky stories at Halloween or whatever the festivity that gave room for sharing tales of horror and mayhem. These were legends from times where people believed in them and arranged their lives around them. Times where vampires, witches and monsters existed amongst the humans and they knew of their existence and needed to protect themselves against those creatures.

The legacy of those stories had continued to live on in today's modernist culture. People weren't believers like they had been back in the day, but there was still an ancient superstition that they carried in their hearts and minds.

I could hear the thoughts, albeit most of them in Portuguese; they were full of wonder and suspicion. I tried to pay no attention to my unwanted audience and pretended I didn't see their stares, though some glances did catch my eye for a few seconds. This made them stare back at me even more because it gave them the - correct - impression I was something else. Clearly someone who did not want to have attention drawn to him.

I started to walk a little faster though never as fast as I was capable of; vampire speed wouldn't be the most appropriate choice of transportation in a crowd.

I crossed corners and walked across plazas but location and my surroundings meant nothing to me. The people meant nothing to me. It was one open space of blurred colors and shapes.

The air was humid and warm. Sticky, though I couldn't sweat. It clung to my cool skin... It made me feel like I couldn't breathe.

I was suffocating.

Well, not literally of course.

It wasn't that I needed breathing to stay alive – my lungs didn't need the oxygen and I was dead in every sense of the word by default now anyway – but it made me feel like my senses were being cut off.

Realistically, I had no trouble breathing; even within this highly humid climate it caused me no problems. But the air clawed at me like a blanket smothering a fire.

This, as the realization hit me, was quite befitting. The sensation of not being able to breathe properly; being smothered, enhanced the feeling of failure that had washed over me perfectly, as I wandered through the centre of Sao Paolo.

Without my senses I was useless, even if it was more of a psychological experience than a factual one. And useless I was…

Truthfully, I had no idea of what I was doing. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't have to be anywhere. I wasn't going to find Victoria here that was certain. And there wasn't anything besides that failed plan, which gave me a purpose.

There was nothing here for me. There was nothing for me to find. Street names didn't ring a bell, time didn't make a difference. I wasn't waiting for someone and someone was certainly not waiting for me

I was lost.

Physically and emotionally lost.

I had left the airport hours ago. After Alice had told me her vision had been wrong, I'd instantly wanted to shelter the blame with her because it seemed justified to me. After all, Alice had been the one who had been convinced by her own visions.

I should have gone with the 10% that had never believed her visions to be real to begin with.

But as soon as I had hung up on my sister, as soon as the streets of Sao Paolo had become my walk of shame and defeat, I had realized that it hadn't been my sister whose visions had tricked me but Victoria herself because she had managed to control whatever glimpse she had given Alice and twisted it so that it had seemed she had actually been travelling to Brazil.

Of all places.

It was convenient to blame Alice, I had done so before. I always seemed to be very bad at taking my own responsibility. The one time I had, it had cost me everything. And even now, in my time of despair I was blaming everyone around me.

If I was honest; I had to admit, it was my own fault to begin with. I had been too blasé about this. So certain I would find Victoria and deal with her. I had been s cocky.

And I hadn't accepted much help, apart from Alice and her visions, which had – again, if I were honest – been as helpful as Victoria had allowed them to be. She had hoped for the mix-up, the misinterpretation and she had gotten her wish.

I might as well have been as blind as I had been stubborn. She had tricked me by pretending to be travelling all the way to Brazil.

Seriously, of all places.

Anyone with a little bit of sense, anyone who had paid some attention to Victoria 's mind – an ability I did possess and had clearly failed to use – would have realized sooner how ridiculous and unnecessary it would be for her to travel to Brazil.

I only realized it now, as my mind started to add it all up.

Victoria had gone to Texas. Now Texas was one thing; she was a savage and that state was partially rural unfound and mostly very large; it somehow fit. There was plenty of space to travel by foot. Looking back, I understood why she had gone there. That was the one place she had actually really gone – without leading me on - and it made sense to me.

I could see why Texas would appeal to her.

And why Brazil would not.

Being here myself, I found myself hating the thick air, the smog and the crowds of people. And I was a somewhat civilized vampire. Victoria would hate it here even more. Somehow I believed she would stand out here even more than me with her red hair and burgundy eyes.

Thinking about Victoria, made me feel more and more stupid for not being able to figure it out earlier; the way she had tricked me. I'd been so preoccupied with being preoccupied – anything to keep my mind off the looming depression that always roared its power and effect the moment I didn't have something to distract me – which I had failed to truly use my instincts.

I had felt something was not right, deep down inside, but for some reason I had simply disregarded the feeling and I could not even explain why.

Not to myself, not to anyone.

It was almost ironic how I used to be so in tune with my power, how I could read people inside and out. There was truly nothing left of that. It was very suitable to illustrate the shell of a man – or was that vampire, still – I had become.

Alice has assured me earlier - when I had spoken to her after I had landed and realized Victoria wasn't here - she would continue to look for the danger Victoria might present to Bella. She'd tried to convince me that she would see if Victoria went near Forks.

I wasn't so skeptical about whether or not she actually would, but I did doubt if we would ever know if and when she went. So far, Victoria had managed to trick us all, going to Timbuktu or Forks would really not make a difference, if she managed to keep it out of Alice's visions. And Forks would be that much more appealing to Victoria than Timbuktu, so while the chances of her going weren't marginal, the finding out about it, would always end up being "too late"

Also there was no way to know a new location for sure when it came to Victoria and her uncanny power to self preserve. She could be anywhere.

That in itself presented a great risk. It meant Bella was unsafe.

I didn't quite know how to feel about that. A part of me kept chastising myself for even thinking about it. I had made the decision to leave. It was no longer my right to even think about Bella.

But then; what about responsibility? Obligation?

I mean, I didn't feel obligated towards Bella in a strange way. I loved her more than anything and would always want what was best for her, but I did feel the obligation to keep her safe even if it was no longer my territory.

But with that obligation also came the responsibility to carry through, to keep my promise.

My promise to stay away.

A double edged sword. Protection by staying away, or by going back.

A first part of that had been why I left Forks to begin with. By being in her life the time I had been, I was the one who had inflicted the possible danger of Victoria's revenge on me - through Bella, on her.

Did I need to take my responsibility for that by staying away, like I had promised? Or did I need to spring into action and go back to Forks to eliminate Victoria the moment she set foot there.

But then was I not breaking my promise to make sure she could find happiness as a human girl, without the dangers of having immortal creatures around her- by allowing Victoria to come near her, if that's what she was planning?

And was I also breaking my promise double by entertaining thoughts of going back and intervene in her life again.

Alice had not seemed to think so, when I had spoken to her earlier.

"Edward, we can't leave Bella unprotected. We just can't! We have no idea what Victoria will do next, we need to make sure someone in the family keeps an eye on Bella?" she had pressed.

"We could take turns. Jasper and I, Rose and Emmett, though Rose will throw a fit for sure. I am sure Esme would want to help. Bella wouldn't even have to know that we are watching her," she had opted.

I couldn't really argue with that. Victoria was much more than a simple loose cannon. She was a real danger. But I wasn't certain if she was truly after Bella. Maybe the vision Alice had seen was not true. Or at least that's what I tried to convince myself of. If Bella was safe, no one would have to go back.

And Alice had certainly been wrong before. There was a time she had foreseen I would kill Bella and that surely hadn't come to pass. Alice had seen Bella become one of us and that definitely hadn't happened and would certainly never happen.

Of course nothing was set in stone and I couldn't fault Alice and her idea to keep an eye on Bella, from a distance, but technically, we had no idea if Victoria would ever show up in Forks.

Plus, no way to monitor it either, since Alice's visions had proved to be useless when Victoria was the subject of them.

Not to mention the idea of going back to Forks in general. Knowing Bella, she would somehow find out that my family was keeping tabs on her. I had no doubt she would accidentally – or maybe even on purpose – discover.

What if she spotted one of my siblings? Would she ask about me? Would she want me back?

I knew that if I allowed myself near Forks, I would start begging her to take me back.

That alone made Alice's idea a very bad one.

So that's what I had told her.

"Alice, just go and enjoy yourself in Ithaca. Victoria will never be where we think she is. She has played us and she will do it again," I had sighed.

"There is no proper way to keep an eye on her'

I hadn't found the energy to argue with Alice about the more logical arguments. I'd made it seem like Alice's visions were more often inaccurate than not, which was an uneasy way to manipulate my sister. Alice was often correct in her visions, actually, she was always right but it decisions the subjects in the visions made could change their minds. But even then the visions would change with the new decisions.

In this case Victoria had been smart. She'd given us exact clues, but we had interpreted them wrong.

My behavior had sparked anger in Alice, an anger filled with accusation. Something I hadn't often seen with her.

"Are you even listening to yourself?" she had spat.

"Mr. Lone Ranger. You're weak and pathetic, you know that Edward. Whoever you were before, back when BELLA" – she had emphasized her name, causing pain to slam into me like a tidal wave of bricks – "was in your life, that guy I liked. That guy is gone now, I can tell."

"It's very nice to hear you have such faith in my visions," she had grumbled sarcastically.

"I am sorry, Alice" I had answered meekly. "I know you are doing your best and that your visions are often on the mark but Victoria will always be a few steps ahead."

"And because of that you are truly willing to leave Bella unprotected?" she had asked.

Was that the reason? The fact we could never be certain about Victoria's whereabouts, despite the fact common sense would eventually lead her Forks? Or was it the idea of having my family near Bella – if only to protect her from uncertainties that caused me to reject the idea…

Knowing it would only make me falter much more easily.

"What choice do I have?" I had asked, defeated.

"You do not have a clear idea of Victoria's whereabouts. It's doubtful you will ever get a clear vision," I had told her.

"Wrong, Edward. She was in Texas, wasn't she? She killed a man there, remember?"

"Or have you forgotten about everything now?" she had muttered.

Not forgotten. I simply didn't care. What point was there? So a man had died. I was certain Victoria had left a long trail of casualties in her immortal life. No need to find this unfortunate man special.

"Victoria was in Texas. But she still managed to trick me – well us – into believing she went to Brazil," I'd told her.

"My point, Edward, is that she isn't untouchable. She is clever, I'll give her that. But she will slip up; you know the only reason she would go to Forks would be because she would want to get back at you."

"Have her revenge," Alice had pointed out.

I knew that very well. Victoria was going with the old principle; "an eye for an eye."

A mate for a mate. Even though I no longer had one.

"Your point? We know her motivation. That's not very hard to guess. That still doesn't mean you can suddenly keep better track of her because she wants revenge."

"It didn't seem to work before. She still managed to trick us," I'd added.

"She will reveal herself when she gets close to Bella," Alice had insisted.

"Why?"

"Have you turned stupid? She would want you to know. Not to mention the fact, Bella would be in danger and I would be able to see that. If…"

"If, what?"

I knew what was coming.

"If you would stop being so stubborn and stupid and simply allowed me to look for Bella's future," Alice had said, smugly.

"Or, even better. Allow me to go to Forks."

"Not going to happen," I had spat. "Either thing will not happen. I won't allow it."

"Wow, you really would leave her unprotected then?"

"I don't want you to look; I don't want to do anything. I want you to leave me alone," I had nearly shouted before I had hung up on Alice and shoved my phone deep in my pocket as to make sure that would make my problems go away.

After the conversation with Alice, I had started to move. Walk. Miles, it seemed. I had ended up riding the metro – illegally I'd realized later – until I had reached the centre of the city and had started walking again.

My thoughts were incoherent about most things, especially the more detailed thoughts, but I was convinced about one thing; I was a monster. A terrible monster. My exterior could fool many people - though that didn't seem to be the case here – but I was worthless and dangerous at the same time.

I was worthless because I had allowed myself to get close to Bella in the first place. She would have been safe then. James wouldn't have been able to attack her and we probably wouldn't have had to kill him. Victoria wouldn't want to seek revenge by killing her. My family would have been able to stay in Forks and I could have lived somewhere in solitude without this stabbing pain and a hollow in my chest.

My subconscious stirred and rolled its eyes. 'If only's' won't change a thing.

I was dangerous because the monster roared and felt hopeful. There's no reason to stay in control. No reason to be good.

The hollow ripped with an aching it didn't know it could hold. Had I been human, my chest would have burst open

I ignored the growling and the venom that bubbled up in my throat. The monster was long defeated. I would never go back to those days. But then the venom had other ideas. It burned inside me.

You need to go hunting, I chided myself.

I also ignored my subconscious and the logic it held. I needed to go hunting, but I wasn't thirsty. My body responded to urges my mind could no longer frame.

My entire being was crippled with the pain I felt; it tumbled over like a cup of red polluted blood. The reminder of why I had left and how I couldn't go back.

I didn't know if Bella was safe but I had made her the promise it would be like I had never been her life, like I had never existed.

I owed it to her to keep my distance now

So why do you care if Alice keeps an eye on her? If you can't, she can. Don't you owe Bella your protection as well? Especially since it is your fault Victoria might go after her…

The pain coursed through me. It was unbearable to think Bella would even get hurt when I was not around. Maybe I should give Alice permission to keep an eye on her.

Not that it would make a difference.

I knew very well Alice would go against my orders and look for Bella's future and specific visions about her anyway. So there was no point in arguing, not even with my subconscious.

I felt guilty. Which was almost a welcome feeling compared the dread that was pounding its way through my internal system. Back to square one. Back in the downward spiral of depression. The black hole, throbbing and aching no longer had the temporary thrill of feeling numb, because I no longer had a purpose to distract myself from it.

Maybe that's what bothered me the most. The fact I hadn't been able to protect Bella from a distance, like I had wanted to. And also that I'd been robbed of a diversion from the pain.

I was now confronted with the conflicting emotions of wanting to leave her alone like I had promised and the desire to keep her safe myself. And with the desire and the longing to go back to Forks came the sharpest edges of a pain that prevented me from actually going back to Forks.

Such strange irony.

The hollow could go back to consuming me now. And there was no reason why it wouldn't. It had been lingering for a while now and I had not allowed it to break through to the surface because my mind had either been full with ways of how I was going to track and find Victoria and kill her or with the vision of Bella calling out to me.

It was a vision that had been easier to deal with when I had the goal of protecting her because it had felt like I was also protecting the visions of her. Now that I no longer had Victoria to distract me, the hollow would have no problem festering until it would take me over again completely.

It was only a matter of time until I'd be where I'd left myself in Alaska, except multiple times worse.

So what should I do now?

The feeling of being lost crept up on me more and more as I realized I had nowhere to go.

Alright, that was not exactly true. I had plenty of places to go.

I could go to Ithaca. Be with my family.

The idea of this was not very tempting. As I had spoken to them over the phone many times, I'd felt like a burden, but also like a very selfish person. I was both, even if they'd never see it that way. And being together in Alaska had proven to be a failure as well.

Ithaca was out.

There was also the option of going back to Denali.

This wouldn't be so bad – I liked the cool Alaskan air and I knew that Eleazar and Carmen would leave me alone.

But Tanya would not. She would try and cheer me up. And there would only be so much time until I'd snap and knowing Eleazar he would not allow that in his own home, which was his right.

Alaska was out too.

No Ithaca. No Alaska. Then what?

Should I go back to Forks?

If Bella needed protection from Victoria, I might as well go back until she showed up, so I could deal with her after all.

I know that technically I could always go back. But somehow, not being able to protect her from Victoria made it impossible.

If I didn't protect her from the danger from afar, I should certainly never go back and draw the danger right back to her.

So going back was the worst idea.

My phone buzzed.

Damnit, I should have turned it off.

Of course, the obligation and care I felt towards my family meant that I wouldn't. I was certain they would continue to call me, if I tried and ignored them. Especially my tiny sister.

This better not be Alice again

"What?" I muttered as I answered.

"Hello Edward"

Esme.

I regretted my tone instantly. It was the only mother I had ever known and she certainly didn't deserve my disrespect.

"Esme," I whispered.

"How are you?" she wondered

I could tell she was being cautious. She didn't want to press me for information on how I felt, knowing it could push me away even further.

"I am alright." I lied.

"Really?"

No, not really. I am a wreck, worse than a wreck. I am nothing.

Now if only I could feel nothing too.

"Yes."

"Edward," Esme scolded me gently. "I know you are not alright."

Well, it certainly didn't take a scientist...

"Well, Esme," I said, slightly aggravated, "considering the fact Alice just led me to Brazil of all places, I think telling you I am alright is about as cordial as I can get."

"I am sure Alice filled you in anyway," I muttered. "So I am telling you something you already know."

"She did. But that's not why I am calling."

I knew where she was heading with this.

Esme didn't have supernatural powers, but her compassion was otherworldly.

And I knew she was about to throw all that compassion into a conversation about my feelings.

"The house here is lovely. Plenty of space too. It needs some remodeling though," she told me

"Sounds nice," I told her, knowing I sounded monotone and uninterested.

But Esme ignored that and continued "You would love it here too. Jasper says they have some classes at Cornell you'd be interested in. Business classes, Modern Engineering. Just your thing...there's a broad spectrum of choices."

"I'll pass," I muttered.

"Edward," she chastised me softly. "You can't stay in Brazil."

The way she said it, made me want to defy her. I knew I had no right to do that, I knew she meant well, but I just wanted to resist whatever plan they had for me."

"Well, I don't see why not."

"Ithaca has a good climate. Plenty of places to eat out too," she joked.

"Esme, it's better for all of us if I stay on my own for a bit," I tried, as gentle as I could muster up.

"Carlisle told me you would refuse. Are you really not coming home?" she asked quietly.

I could hear her pain seeping through, like I had just told her something horrible.

"No, not right now."

I could hear her sharp intake of breath.

"Alright then."

"I have to go,'' I started.

"Edward, wait. One more thing," Esme stopped me.

"What?" I grumbled.

"I just want to remind you, you are not alone. I know you think you are, but you're not. You have a family. A home. You're not lost."

And with that, she hung up.

I glanced at my phone for a second, stunned my mother had hung up on me and then I stuffed it deep into the one small bag I was carrying. This was better than keeping it in my pocket. Maybe it would muffle the sound enough for me to be able to ignore it for a while.

I was mentally exhausted as I slumped against the railing of the bridge in the park I found myself now standing on. I couldn't even remember how I had gotten here. It was getting dark as I realized I had walked most of the day.

I realized it was twilight. The best time of day…

It didn't feel as good here as it did in Forks.

Nothing did.

You're not lost, Esme's words echoed in my mind.

I sighed as I looked across the water.

The remaining question presented itself to me; Victoria was out of my reach so I'd stumbled upon my physical and metaphorical bridge.

Now was I going to cross it....?

Or jump off...

Alright, this may be what one calls "filler" but we're getting to the good stuff soon. I know that this is the more 'boring' part of the story, we all want Edward and Bella reunited and all the drama before (and after) but trust me, and we are creeping up on it soon.

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Happy almost Friday!