Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from "Sons of Anarchy." They are the property of Kurt Sutter and Fox Network. No money is changing hands in the writing, reading or distribution of this story.
Chapter 32
"Joss," she was laying there, facing him with her head on her pillow as he lay across from her, his head on his own pillow, watching her. Tig hated it when she lay face to face with him and fell asleep that way…he didn't know why, but he suspected that it was because Joss's porcelain skin was so flawless, and her hair so shiny, her eyelashes so perfectly curled, her pink lips so heart like in shape as she slept…she just sort of looked kinda 'doll like,' and it freaked him out. He'd have complained her much earlier than this about her position, but he had a lot on his mind tonight. Joss looked like she was close to falling asleep, if not there already, she was likely tired, long day at the garage, hard, driving night in bed…with lots of fluids and lubes…but for some reason, everything inside Tig said not to let her sleep. "You awake?"
Her eyes opened and she looked at him then sighed. "Okay, Tig…" she flopped onto her back, her naked body going limp, arms and legs at odd angles, "but just remember that I am alive, and if you pull my hair, I do feel it." Her head immediately then dropped against the mattress, neck bent awkwardly, her eyes staring off at nothing, expression frozen, laying there completely still and lifeless.
"Cool!" He stared at her, one eyebrow raised, unable to help being impressed and stimulated. Wow! He had a dog when he was kid who could "play dead," but not like this! But no, now wasn't the time, he really did have to talk to her…but maybe first he could…no…yes…no…but she was just lying there, masking every breath even…no! "But, that's not what I meant…so, come on back."
Again Joss sighed, but then looked back at him, sitting up a bit instead of laying around like he'd just…dragged her and tossed her body somewhere…no! She yawned a little. "What do you want?"
"I wanna talk to you." He said, because he did, he'd wanted to ever since she'd been all funny when he'd asked her about ordering lunch. Something was on her mind, and she wasn't talking about it, and Joss never 'not' talked to him about stuff like that, and it had always annoyed the shit out of him that she couldn't handle her own problems, or that for her, he was that person she felt comfortable telling them all to…but now, well, things had changed, she was his, her problems were his problems and it was his job to put them down…but how could he if she didn't tell him what they were? She was making him look bad in front of the club, damn it! Yeah…sure, that's why he'd finally decided to ask her what the hell was wrong…his rep with the club. Well, that's what he was going with anyway.
"Are you mad with me?" Joss surprised him by asking, looking at him like she expected he might be.
"Should I be?" Hey, wasn't the bitch who usually asked that in this kind of conversation? What the fuck? "No, I'm not." He quickly answered, not wanting to play that game, or trade gender roles. "But I am worried about you, and if you don't tell me what's going on with you, then I'll be mad."
"And what if what I'm worried about isn't something you want to know about?" She asked, but Tig knew Joss's stalling when he heard it.
"Unless you're knocked up, then we got no problems with that." He answered sternly, but reached over and took her hand, rubbing a circle softly on her palm with his thumb. "So, what's up?"
"It's nothing," she immediately answered, but realized that she shouldn't have said that, and it had only made Tig look at her more austerely, he held her hand a little more tightly, but instead of making with another answer, Joss sighed again, and played with her hair, like she was really avoiding saying what it was. He was just about to get a little rougher and louder with his demands to know when she finally sat all the way up, her eyes on his. "Can I tell you something?"
This was new, usually Joss wanted to know if she could "ask" him things. "I'm who you should be telling everything to, so yeah!" He hadn't meant to sound that gruff and spiteful, but he'd been geared up to force her troubles out of her, and it wasn't easy to just switch that off.
She sighed, sat there with her legs folded beneath her and her arms straight, palms on the mattress like they were the only things holding her upright. She looked so stiff and ill at ease, what the hell was wrong? She looked at him, her eyes so sad and so confused, and so scared. The harshness and brutality that was slowly awakening instantly extinguished and all he wanted to do now was take her in his arms and promise her that whatever it was, it would be okay. What the fuck? And he'd told Happy earlier today that he was getting 'soft?' Man…Tig was becoming the fucking Pillsbury Dough Boy! Whatever, his old lady, his sweet, dark, perfect angel, was in trouble, and the only thing that mattered to him was making it all go away for her. "Joss?"
She closed her eyes a moment then shook her head before opening them again. "I," she sighed. "I don't think I like…Jax."
Whoa! Tig found himself suddenly sitting up in the same fashion Joss was, that had been the very last thing he'd expected to hear. He'd been sure this was some kind of…Opie related shit…he worried about that still, despite the stitches still in Opie's face. But this…this was better! Why was he smiling? "Me either, what's your reason?" He asked her eagerly, but Joss was obviously more stressed by this than he'd ever been. Shit…just when they really could have had something in common! But no, if this was troubling to her, then he had to respect her feelings…wait, no he didn't…he owned her fucking feelings, for shit sake! What the hell was happening to him? And why did he always ask that, but never have a fucking answer?
"Tig," Joss looked at him and rolled her eyes, but sadly this time. "I don't know what to do here." She said, "You don't know how awful it feels to know I have an issue with one of your brothers, I really do want to get along with all of them…but when one of them is just…creating…tension, and there's nothing I can do to make it stop…I start to feel…I don't know…like there's something bad about to happen at every turn."
Tig sighed, but smiled a little as he shook his head. "Joss," he said warmly as he kissed her forehead. "Jax isn't worth that much thought, and he ain't worth being afraid of either."
She looked at him and sort of blinked, or awakened to something he'd said, or maybe she was about to cry? "Jax…" she sighed again. "I know how you feel about him, and I understand, but you have to understand that this is the first time I haven't liked someone who has never done anything bad directly to me."
Tig nodded, okay, that was something to get used to…for her anyway. "So," he looked at her again. "Like I already asked, why don't you like him?"
"I don't know," she answered, like she was frustrated with herself, trying to get things worked out in her head. Maybe she wasn't ready to talk about this? But she was going to…mostly because Tig's curiosity was killing him. "I mean, I do know, but it's not like one thing, it's a bunch of things, and none of them are really reasons to hate someone…but…I don't know." She looked back to Tig like she needed help with…hating Jax? Okay, he could definitely coach the hell out of that!
"Joss," it was so fucking hard not to smile, but Tig knew he couldn't. "Just talk to me, baby. I'm not going to tell anyone what you said." Well…unless she said something really intelligent that might come in handy the next time Jax was pushing some bullshit issue that was nearly winning his brothers over and Tig might need something to counter it that would make everyone at the table stop and go 'hmmmm?' Joss was a genius, she had that kind of power, and he'd borrow it if he needed it…he owned her damn it!
Again Joss was silent for a few seconds, liking looking for a page she'd marked in a book, but in her head instead. "There are things that really do annoy me about Jax. I've been thinking about them ever since Clay said about how he 'didn't do Jax any favors' when he was growing up," she began. "And I don't know if that's true, I wasn't there after all…but something happened, or didn't happen, because Jax is…he's…" Joss sighed again. "He's going to get a lot people hurt, or worse, and he doesn't even seem to realize it."
Tig and Clay had this conversation so many times…and now he was having it with his Joss, who was so fucking aware of how SAMCRO needed to work and what threatened it, and she hadn't been here near as long as Jax the pussy! Holy shit, she was so damn perfect! She'd hit that nail on the head! And this was an easy enough worry to put down too! "Listen, Clay and I are not going to let that happen," Tig promised her, taking her by the shoulders. "I can't tell you what our disaster plan is, but I can tell you we have one, and everything will be fine, and everyone will be safe, except for those that need their uppity asses kicked until hell won't have them again."
Joss nodded shallowly then turned her pretty green eyes back up to him, void of all the liner and mascara now, but no less gorgeous. "But what about Tara?"
"Tara?" He groaned, looking at her like he had no idea why she'd bring her up. What the hell did she mean by 'what about Tara?' Who cared about Tara? Tara was an accessory to the fact of how dangerously inept and unsuited to the office of Vice President Jax Teller was. Tara was state's evidence, so to speak. Really, who cared about Tara? And why in hell was Joss looking at him like he'd just suggested they put the family's old dog down? Oh…"Baby," Tig sighed, rubbing her shoulders a little. "She's not something that's fixable, you know that."
"But," she sighed, looked so restless. "I know you don't like her, but she's my friend, Tig!" Joss shook her head, whatever tentativeness, or hesitation that had been there before in her was now gone. "I can't keep watching while Jax just leads…no, while he just lets her drift into being 'unfixable.'" Joss looked like she was finally getting a little angry now, about Jax being a douche…that was hot…hotter than her being "dead"…almost…no, focus! It really was too bad nothing could really be done about her friend, but come on; Jax's doctor bitch was more than just the gawky, snooty wench-bag that Jax allowed her to be…she just didn't fit. Huh? What the hell was a 'wench-bag?' Never mind. Because, wow, Joss was angry, not spider monkey crazy, but yeah, his dark, little angel was pissed with Jax! Awesome! And man, was his perfect little Joss rolling with it all now, too! "It's not enough that Jax has to treat me like I'm twelve years old…and he does, you've seen him do it…I swear, sometimes he makes me wanna stand up and scream, 'I killed my father, you fuck-nut, now back up off of me!"
'Fuck-nut!' Yes! Tig was grinning now, couldn't stop. "Good girl!" How many times had he felt the exact same kind of frustration while sitting across from Jax in 'church?' "Oh but baby, I wouldn't do that about the whole…father killing thing," he advised with a calm shake of his head. "And for the record, I told Clay that it was me, I took out your old man."
For a moment Joss's venting stopped and she looked at him with sudden surprise. "You did?"
"Yeah," Tig answered, but was eager to get back to what she'd been saying before. "Call me a hopeless romantic…" he laughed. "But c'mon, I don't wanna stop you, this is good for you, gettin' it all out and shit…"
Joss snapped right back into it as easily as she'd snapped out of it. Perfect, perfect, perfect…she was so fucking perfect! "I don't like the position he puts Gemma in, and I don't like what he's doing to Clay, making him sit around like some rueful old man, talking about how he didn't do enough for his kid," Joss stopped a moment and took a deep breath, Tig fearing that she was cooling down already, but he couldn't have been more wrong. She was only gearing up for the big finale! "Yeah, Clay didn't do enough for 'poor Jax'…'poor Jax' didn't get 'structure'…you know what else 'poor Jax' didn't get? Abandoned by his mother, and fucked up his ass by his own father, who shoved him out in front of pageant judges and Mensa panels and then locked him away from the world!" Again she paused, needing to breathe again, but she was far from done. "Jax had everything that I would have killed for! Do you know what I would have given for a mom like Gemma and a dad like Clay?" She looked at Tig with so much latent begging and pleading her eyes, like he somehow held the power to go back in time and rescue her from the hell that had been her childhood, and transplant her into the Teller-Morrow household, while he took 'poor Jax' out behind the woodshed…and damn it, Tig wished he somehow could do all that for her.
Joss paused, needed a breath, her lovely green eyes so alive with this frustration, this anger, this jealousy that she hated Jax for making her feel. "Gemma and Clay don't deserve a kid like that, and I didn't deserve a father like the one I had…" she was shaking her head now, "I don't know why things like this happen, but they do, and I'm so fucking tired of having to sit here and just deal with it all, and have to watch Jax float through life, while I could lose two people I love like family, the only girlfriend I've ever had, and…" she paused again, looking up at Tig, who detected some weakening in her voice like maybe she might cry this time, but she was doing a good job with damming up those tears. "And the only man I've ever loved," she put her hand on his chest, over where his heart was for some reason now pounding, but it wasn't the thrill of knowing Joss was 'not so much' on Jax that did it. "Tig," she looked right into his eyes, in that way that he knew she could see so much more than what he wanted her to…fuck, he hated it when she did this…because he couldn't not look back at her or break whatever this…divine connection was. "You are everything to me and you always will be, no matter what happens with…Jax. You do understand that, don't you?" He nodded, or more accurately, his head did…he had no fucking control whenever she looked at him like that, he just turned into some kind of…love zombie. Love?
Fuck! Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck! Nooooo! Jesus fucking Christ…this had all started out so cool…and now it was HERE! On the inside, Tig was prostrate on the floor, kicking, screaming and blubbering…he didn't want to have this! Shit! Shit shit shitity shit shit shit! Alright, now he sounded like he was writing some kind of song to help toddlers learn to cuss! But…oh come on…this was…oh fuck…it was on him…it was in him…he'd said/thought the word lo—no! Never again! Jesus…did he just slap himself in the head for real, or was that imaginary? It was so hard to tell anymore…come on, get it together, man…focus on the 'zombie' part…he could handle that…he just had to eat a brain, and everything'd be okay! God damn…this girl…
"Tig?" Why was he shaking? Was the bed moving? Earthquake? The end of the world was coming? Shit! He always knew somehow…that had to be one of the proverbial seven signs…he falls in lo—oh no, nice try there love! Fuck! FUCK! That was TWICE! And now all this screaming in his head was giving him a damn headache. Why the fuck couldn't he stop shaking? Oh…cuz Joss's hands were on his shoulders…shaking him.
"Stop it!" He threw his arms up and kind of exploded away from her, but then grew somber. "Yeah, okay, I get it…you lo-like me, and nothing's ever…ever…ever…going to make that stop…for the rest of my life…here I am."
Joss was looking at him now very strangely, but she wasn't in fear for her own safety, he could tell that. "Are you okay?"
"Oh-kay?" He said the word like his lips and tongue had never formed the sound of it before. "A few minutes ago, you were pretending to be corpse, because you know it gets me hot, and you ask me if I'm 'okay?'"
"Good point," Joss nodded, but was still looking at him like he was standing on the ledge of a high rise building. "But, you're all of sudden acting a little more…Tiggish than usual."
Damn…he did have her worried…he could see it on her face, she was even making up adjectives now…'wenchbag'…really, what the hell was that? Alright, just stop…he could handle this…after all, the "L" word hadn't made it out of the confines of his fucked up mind…and as long as he didn't keep letting it shake him around in its giant, nasty teeth, it wouldn't either. Okay…face the "L" word beast…shit, why couldn't the "L" word be "lesbian?" He'd faced a lot of them…the Dykes on Bikes…yeah, as into pussy as he was, but he'd found three of them that couldn't turn down a hard eight inch cock…okay, that little happy place had helped some…face the beast…take its power away from it…okay…here he went…any time now…he lo—…okay, take it slow, don't wanna pull anything…try again…he lo—v'd Joss…alright, just warm up to it…Joss, she was so perfect and he lo…v…ed her…he lo…ved her…he loved Joss. And it hadn't killed him…and the earth, as of yet, had not exploded. Tig's eyes opened, and he hadn't realized they'd even been closed. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. Wow, did he ever feel exhausted. "I'm fine." He said to Joss, and he was slowly beginning to be again…sort of…even though there was now this thing inside him that didn't really belong there…that he hadn't had before he met her…damn that girl…they really did have cooties!
Joss sighed in relief too, but she was still watching him, concerned, but not hovering over him, which was good…he didn't need any hovering right now. But she wanted to talk, he could tell. "So…"
"Hey," He looked at her and said, still not able to shake this feeling of being weirded out…by himself. "Can we just turn out the light, lay down, close our eyes and pretend to be asleep like you never just saw me go catatonic on you?"
Joss smiled, laughed a little bit. Good, she wasn't weirded out. "Sounds like a great idea!"
"Good!" He sighed, Joss laying back down and turning away from him, just like he liked her to be, as Tig reached over and turned out the light, lying down once more like he had been before hell froze over. Joss was quiet, didn't turn her head to give him one last sweet little glance of affection like she usually did before closing her eyes to sleep, she just ignored him. Damn, she really really really was perfect. No wonder he lo—ved her. And she loved him, no matter what, always. Tig lay there, staring at the back of her head in the dark, imagining that he could hear the rhythm of her heartbeat…or was it just his own? Whichever one it was, it sounded lonely. He moved a little closer to Joss, then a little bit more, and a little bit more, not touching her with his body, but he was close enough to feel the warmth of hers, radiating all over his, like rays of the sun, even in the darkest night.