Some days, she liked to pretend that Arthur was simply out on an extended quest - he certainly went off on many of them during the time they were married - and one day she would hear the familiar telltale horns and clatter of hooves on the cobblestones and he would return, battered, tired, snapping at Merlin but he would return. Other days, like today, that fantasy was harder to cling to, when the council insisted on second guessing every decision she made and Merlin's constant sullenness and uncooperativeness only made council meetings that much harder.

"He's in his chambers, my lady." Leon said quietly from behind. She forced a smile on her face, nodding her thanks at a worried-looking Leon. "He seems quite moody," Leon continued softly.

"Isn't he always? Thank you, Leon." This time her smile was more genuine and she touched his shoulder in appreciation as she left her room. The closer she got to the chambers she'd put Merlin in after his return, the more her stomach churned. Outside the heavy wood door, she hesitated, balancing the tray on one hand, before placing her palm against the door. But she didn't push.

"I know you're there."

He looked tiny silhouetted against the window of which he stared out, shoulders hunched as if he carried the world's burdens on them. "Gwen," he said, not even bothering to turn around. "I'm not hungry."

"Surely even people with magic have to eat," she said lightly as she placed the tray on the table. "It's your favourite stew."

Finally he turned. Gwen was no longer surprised by the pain in his eyes or the lines on his face. "Thank you. I'll eat it later."

She let the lie pass, history telling her that he was unlikely to eat. There were more pressing matters to attend to. When she settled herself on one of the plush armchairs in the room, he raised his eyebrows. Her tone firm - the same one she used in the throne room, she requested Merlin sit.

"What is it?" he asked, almost sullenly, as he sank into a hard chair at the table.

"How are you?"

He shrugged, suddenly finding the food on his plate very interesting.

Deciding the gentle approach wasn't working, she sighed and went straight to the point. "Merlin, you can't keep storming out of council meetings, especially when -"

"- especially when they act as if there's something wrong with me? Magic is legal now and they still act as if it's evil."

"You can't blame them Merlin. We've only just made magic legal after so many years. It's natural they are wary -"

He jumped up from the chair. "Stop defending them. I thought you were on my side. Arthur would have -"

"Don't," she snapped coldly. Even hearing his name sent a sharp pain through her heart. "Don't bring Arthur into this." She knew far too well, even if she refused to think about it too much, that had Arthur been around, things would be different - better. She definitely didn't need Merlin reminding her.

Merlin dragged a hand across his face and slumped back into the chair. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just that I watched him die because of his love for Camelot -" His voice trailed off as Gwen turned away, biting her lips.

"At least you were there for his last hours."

He seemed startled at those words. "Gwen -"

"You got to say goodbye, you got to lay him to rest. I didn't even know he passed till three days later, when you sent a message with Percival. You were my best friend and you couldn't even tell me my husband was dead." She blinked furiously but the tears still managed to leak. Dashing them away, she sucked in a breath, trying to calm herself. "Eat your dinner, Merlin."

As she walked past Merlin on her way out of the room, he took her hand, stopping her. "I'm so sorry Gwen."

She stilled but refused to look at him. "I thought we were friends."

"We are." He dropped her hand. "I came back to Camelot for you."

"For me?" she asked incredulously. "You have barely spoken to me since you've been back, wallowing in your pain. I've been hurting too. I lost my husband. And all that's happened since you've returned is me worrying about you, looking after you. Have you even spared a thought about me?"

Finally, she looked into his face. Shock coloured his features and Gwen felt the strangest urge to laugh. All the pain she'd been going through and Merlin had no clue. Bitterness welled in her and she tore her gaze from his face.

"I didn't -" he choked, guilt evident in his voice, "I was so caught up with my grief and you always looked so calm -"

"Every day I wake up and Arthur isn't next to me, I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. I -" She swayed slightly, suddenly overwhelmed by the exhaustion of a long day. Merlin took a step towards her and she stumbled backwards.

"Are you alright?"

She rubbed her temples and closed her eyes. "I'm fine. Just tired."

"Come, I'll walk you back to your room."

Neither said anything during the walk, the tension thick between them. At her door, Merlin lingered as if he wanted to continue their conversation but Gwen was far too tired to humour him, the day and the conversation with Merlin had drained all energy from her. Just as she turned away, he said softly, "I'm sorry. I'll do better, as a friend."

"Fine," she replied with a sigh. Then she closed the door gently in his face.

Leaning against her closed door, she sighed. The stress of ruling alone was affecting her physically - fatigue had become a permanent guest in her life, and nausea, a frequent visitor. Gaius plied her with medicinal herbs and potions, urging her to take it easy, but after throwing up what seemed to be all the contents of her stomach, she'd stopped taking them.

Her fingers reached for her ring, its cool metal a contrast against her warm skin. She closed her eyes and for a moment imagined Arthur was merely on an extended quest and that he would be home soon to share these burdens with her.

AN: Just wanted to say thank you for the comments. :) And well, I guess everyone knows who Kay might be.