F O U R.
Say.
clare.
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say
My initial reaction was to slam the door in his face.
He had driven three hours just to come back and screw with my life even more. And he had dragged Adam along with him. The audacity might have astounded me, but this was Eli, and I cursed myself for not expecting it. I tightened my grip on the doorknob, preparing to shut it, when I caught sight of his eyes, and the expression reflected in them.
To anyone who didn't know any better, the green orbs were the picture of absolute confidence, complete with the smirk and witty remarks to back it up. But I had been trained to look deeper, because with Eli, everything real and true was hiding just under the surface, waiting for the right person to uncover it. And looking deeper into his eyes, I could see it. That tiny spark of anxiety and the fear of rejection that shone brighter than everything else once you noticed it. It wasn't enough to melt the stone protecting my heart, but it was enough for me to drop the doorknob, and move to make room in the doorway.
"Did you want to come in?" I asked tightly, ignoring Eli's opening comment altogether and motioning for the pair to cross the threshold.
Adam beamed and stepped eagerly into the house and I could hear Gram take in a giddy breath as Eli entered behind him, stuffing his hands into his pockets and looking at his feet. He didn't smile or show any emotion, but I noticed that the fear had disappeared from his eyes when he looked up again. I looked between them awkwardly.
"Um. Gram, this is Adam, and-"
"Eli. Yes, I know." Gram interrupted impatiently, before turning on the boy in question, "Clare's told me so much about you." I turned scarlet and watched as Eli looked up and smirked at me. I averted my gaze quickly in order to give my grandmother a pointed look.
"Tell me about it." Adam interjected, clapping Eli on the shoulder, "He hasn't shut up about her since the day we met." Eli immediately turned a crimson color, and I laughed out loud. He turned to scowl at me.
"So, Adam, Clare tells me that you are found of chocolate." Gram began slowly. I gave her a beseeching look that was quickly forgotten once Adam cut in again.
"Yes. I am. Are those brownies I smell in the air?" he asked with exaggerated curiosity. I could see Eli shaking his head and gaping at him, and I could almost hear the face palm going on in his head.
I really regretted texting him about my afternoon plans.
Gram nodded vigorously.
"Why yes, Clare and I just baked them this afternoon!" she took him by the arm and began to lead him into the kitchen before calling over her shoulder, "Clare, why don't you show Eli the dining room. You two can catch up in there as long as you keep-"
"The door open, yeah I know." I muttered acidly under my breath, before turning to Eli. He looked back at me expectantly and I rolled my eyes.
"Ugh. Come on." I groaned, taking on for the small dining room. Eli followed silently behind me and I tried to keep my thoughts from straying to how nice he looked tonight, and the way his green eyes seemed to shine brighter in the chandelier's light.
Once inside, I half shut the two glass doors and collapsed into one of the chairs with a huff, staring up at him expectantly. He looked at the glass doors for a long moment, head tilted to one side, an inquisitive expression besmearing his features before sitting in the chair next to mine, pushing it so that he was facing my profile.
"Well?" I stated impatiently, attempting to remove the bitter note from my voice. He thought for another moment before finally speaking.
"Why aren't we allowed to shut the doors?" he asked finally, "They're made of glass, so what's the point?" I sighed and felt my firm exterior crack a tiny bit. Two minutes alone and he'd found the chink in my armor.
"It's because of Darcy." I explained simply, "Closed doors make everyone in my family nervous as of late." Eli quirked an eyebrow up and I could almost hear his mind whirring.
"Who's Darcy?" he responded, looking confused. I tugged at a piece of my hair and blinked a few times. I tried to think back. I'd told him about Darcy hadn't I? But as I tried to think of a time when it might have come up, I drew a blank. I slowly scooted my chair so that I was facing him, our knees a few inches apart. I took a deep breath.
"Darcy was- is my older sister." I clarified, trying to push back the memories of her that came flooding back. Eli knit his eyebrows together and drummed his fingers on the ebony table next to us.
"What happened to her? I don't remember you-"
"I've never told you about her." I interrupted.
I had to give him credit. In my mind, he would just come out with the elephant in the room; the one subject we all knew we needed to talk about. But instead, here he was, asking questions about my almost nonexistent sister, like he had driven all this way just to talk about Darcy. A part of me wanted to scream at him to just come out with it already, but another part- the dominant part- secretly thanked him for understanding me the way he did.
"Oh." I nodded and tugged a little harder at my curl as I searched for the right words to describe her.
"She was raped a little over a year and a half ago," I said finally, fingering my own purity ring as I spoke, "and it really just messed her up inside. She went kind of crazy and was suicidal for a long time. Then she got better, and ended up going over to Kenya to help build a school there. She said it was to save the world, but in reality she's just punishing herself."
I felt tears threatening to spill over as I wrapped up my anecdote, but I refused to let them fall before I'd finished. Eli sat listening patiently as I tried to keep it together.
"She hasn't come home ever since." I gave a sour laugh, "Just one more person in my life who's left me." I rested my hand on the table in defeat, looking down at the polished wooden floor.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eli's hand give a small fluttering movement, as though he was going to take my hand but had thought better of it, before reaching up and running it through his hair instead.
"Dammit Clare, I'm sorry. I didn't know." he murmured. I looked up at him, and suddenly it all came circling back.
I had almost lost him. I'd been practically meditating on the thought all week, but just the sight of him, there, in the flesh, the ability to hear him apologize for something he had had no part in, to see his eyes light up when I had opened the door, to hear him still breathing, made it all the more real to me. He could be gone right now, lying cold and bereft in a casket somewhere, and I would never be able to tell him everything I needed to; everything I still wanted to.
It was about then that the near translucent pieces of thread that had been formerly holding my life and soul together snapped in half, and everything came thundering down around me.
ELI.
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only
Say what you need to say
Besides burying Julia, the hardest thing I've ever had to do was watch Clare break down right in front of me and not be allowed to touch her. Two feet away and I knew I couldn't help her. It wasn't me that she wanted; she'd made that clear from the moment I'd showed up. I sighed heavily and leaned over and place my fingers over hers against my better judgment. If anything at all I expected her to pull away. She wanted Darcy and I was a poor substitute.
But this was Clare, the girl that had been surprising the hell out of me since the day I met her. So naturally she fell crying into my arms. I waited a moment to make sure it wasn't an accident before gathering her into my arms more comfortably. Clare tensed for a moment as my arms made contact, but relaxed almost immediately. We could both feel the slight awkwardness in the gesture, but Clare needed someone to hold her, and I just needed to feel her again. Was it possible for her to have become more beautiful in the short time since I had seen her last?
She stayed that way for a good ten minutes in silence before finally saying something.
"You could have left me." she began in a shaky voice, lifting her head from my chest. I look down at her waterlogged blue eyes and realized that we weren't still talking about only Darcy. I wanted to answer her. To tell her that I knew that, and that she had to believe me when I said that I hadn't wanted things to end this way, but I knew that she needed to get this out. So for once in my life I kept my comments to myself and let her speak. Only for Clare.
"Didn't you think about that? Did you ever consider how I would have felt? How I would have- what I would- my own-" Her curls were sticking up wildly around her face and her features were red and tearstained, but her eyes blazed as she attempted to get the words out properly. Eventually she gave up on articulation all together and leaned forward, shoving my left shoulder with all her might. It wasn't exactly what you'd call a gentle blow either.
I felt my eyes narrow slightly automatically. Clare, on the other hand, instantly let her eyes widen and her fingers cover her mouth in shock.
"I'm so sorry." she whispered, her voice full of remorse, "I've never- I didn't mean to- you almost died and I just-" She trailed off, her eyes moving rapidly from my shoulder to my face. I rolled my eyes at her impulsive kindness. Clare would have apologized to Hitler if she'd found a reason to.
"I'm appalled Saint Clare." I cut her off teasingly," You of all people should know that violence is never the answer." I flashed a smirk, but on the inside I could feel my heart racing. The ball was in her court now. I could see her fighting an inner battle on whether or not to return it.
"No," she said finally, "it's not. Violence is the question, the answer is yes." I watched the sparkle return to her eyes, as she pushed me again, and I reciprocated it with a rare smile.
"Ouch." I responded, feigning pain in my left shoulder again. Clare's eyes immediately focused in on it.
"I'm so sorry, Eli. Do you want some ice?" she asked worriedly. This time I laughed out loud, shaking my head and she finally caught on, giving me a reproachful look.
"I'm fine. Really, you're clearly not as strong as you think you are." I assured her, rotating my shoulder while I ran a hand through my hair in an attempt to pacify her.
Clare rolled her eyes and looked out the window behind me, mumbling something about "masculinity" and "stupid" and "boys". We collapsed back into the heavy silence, both of us knowing that the conversation we'd been waiting for was moments away, yet neither of us wanting to take the first step. I took in a deep breath.
"Clare-" I began softly. Her eyes snapped from the evening scenery outside back onto mine.
"Eli, we don't have to-" she was afraid, and if I was being completely honest, so was I. But if I wanted to keep her from disappearing from my life forever, then this had to be done.
"Yeah, we do. If we ever want things to go back to the way they were." I was pleading with her to understand. To let me comfort her. To let me call her mine again. Clare gazed at me with sad eyes and shook her head.
"How can things possibly go back to normal after something like this?" she asked, her voice breaking, "Eli, you almost died, and I had to just stand there and watch. How are we supposed to forget something like that?"
I let out a breath that I wasn't aware I had been holding and shifted in my chair.
"I've got no idea. Maybe things won't ever going to go back to they were, or maybe they will." I gave her the most honest answer I could, before sitting up a little straighter in my seat, "But I do know that I'm going to fight like hell to get them as close as they can be." I paused and took in a deep breath.
"And maybe, possibly, we could fight through it together." I finished tentatively, looking up at her. If there really was a God out there, now would be a good time for him to remember me.
Clare bit down on her bottom lip and averted her eyes from mine, glancing down at the floor.
"I need you." she said suddenly, peeking up at me to see my expression, "I've got absolutely no idea why, but for some bizarre reason, I need you around me to function the way I'm supposed to. And even when I'm completely furious with you and should want you as far away from me as possible, I still need you around me. These past few days have been hell on earth, and I'm pretty sure that means that even though I'm still mad at you, I just can't say no anymore."
She stole another glance at me shyly, and I could see that she was blushing profusely. Her blue eyes caught my green ones, and suddenly our faces were inching towards the other's.
Our lips were centimeters apart and I could feel her cool breath on my own. I closed my eyes...
I felt her inch away at the last second. I looked up at her questioningly and she blushed.
"I'm sorry." she whispered, "I want to. I'm just not ready to fall just yet. I just- can't." she finished nervously. I shook my head and pressed my lips to her forehead; she leaned longingly into my touch and I pulled away after what would be considered longer than necessary.
"It's okay." I replied, "I understand." And I did. Hadn't she just given me all the space in the world? I wasn't exactly ecstatic to return the favor, but I would do anything for her.
"Thank you." she answered softly, pressing her hand into my own. I responded by resting my forehead against hers.
"And Clare?" I asked.
"Mhmm?" she closed her eyes and her arms wrapped around my neck.
"I need you too." I informed her sincerely, "Even if you are still mad at me."
Clare took at step back from me and smiled. The first real one she'd given all day. We had a long uphill battle ahead of us these next few months, and I knew that it would be a long time before she could fully forgive me, but right now- right now she was standing right in front of me with her hair springing wildly in all directions, her eyes still somewhat waterlogged and glassy, and her face red and tear marked.
And she'd never looked more beautiful.
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say
A/N- You didn't think that I was going to make it easy for them did you? This is not the happy ending, I promise you (Clare's still mad at Eli remember?). I had difficulty starting off Eli's POV section this time, and I'm not sure if I kept to the whole "realistic" thing all that well this time... o.O
Anyways,
1. Next chapter we find out about Adam and Gram's conversation in the other room. And there's some more Eclare obviously. :) Haven't decided what the song is yet, but this chapter's song was "Say" by John Mayer
2. Please try to excuse any typos in this chapter. My keyboard has been extremely annoying tonight, and it keeps sticking. Ugh. I tried to get everything, but if I missed a really blatant error (like a skippe letter changes the actual word) please let me know.
3. Song ideas/situations for upcoming chapters? I welcome suggestions!
4. Sorry for the lack of update-age yesterday. I had dance all yesterday afternoon and was swamped with homework...Thanks to all of you that are sticking with the story!
Please review!
Sydney