A/N: Hello!!! Looky, a new chapter. This one took me a while to write, not to mention I went missing for about a week to Vegas. It was a lot of fun and a much needed vaca. But here it is…Enjoy!! :)

Also, I would like to reiterate that I am co-hosting a one shot challenge with HopelessRomantic79 and Kimbercullen to help take my mind off things. There is a link on my profile for it. I would greatly appreciate you taking a look, enter, read and/or vote when the time comes.

Thanks to my wonderful beta LittleLea05

Disclaimer: Plot mine, everything else, Stephenie Meyer

"Life is a perpetual instruction in cause and effect" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chapter 12 – Carve the Bird, Carve the Soul

Edward POV

The Monday after Halloween was interesting to say the least. News spread like perpetual wildfire through our station and everyone knew that Bella and I had been caught red handed at the party together. Just thankfully, nobody knew that it hadn't just started that night. Our several weeks of blissful solitude came to a screeching halt when we got to the station. Most of the guys just smiled and gave an appreciative two thumbs up. I tried to not let that little gesture stroke my ego but I was far from telling the truth if I said it didn't. The only thing that kept the news of our relationship from being a relief to let out was Jacob. If I thought he didn't like me before, he loathed me now. The looks he gave me when I arrived at the station were nothing short of murderous. I had a feeling that at some point in time, I was going to get the 'big brother, ex boyfriend, ex best friend' talk from him – the one he had no standing right to. He was one that thought the grass was greener on the other side; he had no say in what Bella did or did not do from the moment he walked away from her.

Carlisle though was quite comical in his 'meeting' with us that Monday morning. It kind of felt like I was getting scolded by an older brother for getting caught not for having the actual relationship in the first place; He wasn't denying us the opportunity to be together unlike most captains would. He could have cited the 'no inter-station relationship' political mumbo jumbo jargon like all stations should, but he didn't. He was actually rather understanding and respectful about it. "I don't want to see this union interfere with our obligations. When you step out of this station on a call you are to conduct yourself with the proper respect excepted of us. You are just two firefighters out there, not a couple. Here at the station however, I know I can't control you so all I ask is a few limitations. Keep the flirting and hand grabbing to a minimum especially in front of the other crew members. If you have a lovers spat, don't let it interfere and Edward, we have POSH for a reason, no sneaking to her room to sleep, or not sleep. I don't really wanna know about that part."

We all couldn't help laughing at Carlisle's little speech. If he had only knew, we would be in so much trouble right now. The sneaking into the shower, the cab of the truck and her bedroom on numerous occasions; all of which would have landed us in some seriously hot water. But we tried to be good after that Monday. The whole station was watching us like a hawk, just waiting for us to fuck up and get caught doing something wrong. Emmett got in this bad habit of nearly following us around everywhere we went, like we were going to spontaneously combust and just start fucking in the engine bay or something. I tried to sneak down to Bella's room one night just find Emmett 'conveniently' downstairs 'putting away something'. I knew he was there to see if I would try to actually sneak in, obviously we weren't getting very far at the station. Weekends became an all out fuckfest for us since we weren't getting laid at work regularly like we had become accustomed to in the last month.

Needless to say, we got even more…creative at work to find ways to be alone. The guys still had not figured out that the cab of the truck was rather versatile not to mention up on the actual hose bed on the back of the engine. That one was tricky though, the hose couplings were the last thing in the world you would want to lay on, let alone while you're trying to get some. We also remembered the rather large, rather empty massive cement training building behind the station. There was nothing stopping us from sneaking in there, it just was also a hard place to do anything in. There were no beds to speak of since everything in there was made from cement. We learned quickly; bring a blanket to lie out over the waist high cement table in the 'kitchen'. Once we figured these things out, life went back to being fairly easy on us. That lasted all of two weeks.

It was now the day before Thanksgiving and Jacob finally got the balls to say something to me. I've been waiting impatiently for nearly the last month for him to finally just snap and say something, anything to me or Bella. He has been curiously quiet since the Halloween party which I found odd. When he came back from his wife giving birth, he was a royal pain in the ass. He gave everyone a hard time, acting like he was better than anyone and was newly wiser than all just because he was a father now. It was getting rather annoying at the time, but when Bella and I suddenly let our skeletons out of the closet, Jacob ran into the closet. He hid off from everyone else and ignored us yet again. His mood swings were taking a number on company moral.

We were just packing up and shutting down the station when Jacob finally approached me. I was downstairs in the engine bay putting away my turnouts when I heard a throat clearing behind.

"Edward….I'd like to have a word before you leave?" I nodded my head and followed him out the engine doors and towards the training building. He abruptly stopped right outside the doors but far enough away that we weren't in direct ear shot. "I heard you are going to Thanksgiving dinner with Bella tomorrow?"

I crossed my arms and leaned against the building. "What's it matter to you if I am?" I cocked an eyebrow and continued before he could interrupt. "I've been with Bella now for nearly three months and you've yet to say anything. I was actually hoping you wouldn't work up the nerve. I mean, it's really not your place anymore, is it?"

"Wait, what?" He stood up a little straighter and his face looked like he was working out complicated math in his head. Not like he actually could. "I thought you guys got together on Halloween?" Ah dammit.

"That's beside the point, what did you want to say Jacob?" I looked at my watch for emphasis. "We are almost off the clock, I'd like to get home and get ready for the holidays."

He stood still for a moment just looking at me before he finally spoke. "If you are really what she wants, then don't hurt her. There are things about her you don't know yet, I'm assuming and when you do find out…don't fuck up. There is a reason why you shouldn't date a fellow firefighter, especially her. I don't want my life here at the station a living hell too."

I laughed. "Here too? Does that mean your life is a living hell at home?" I quipped.

"Shut it Masen. That's none of your business."

"Yet you feel you have the right to poke your nose into my business like a fucking little guard dog?"

"Watch it Masen."

"No, no you're right. If I gave up the best thing I ever knew I would be pissed too. Although I am sure you realize now that the grass isn't greener on the other side. But if you hadn't left Bella, then I wouldn't be with her now….so thanks for that." I clapped him on the shoulder and started to walk away with a stupid smile on my face I was sure. I wasn't expecting Jacob to catch me half way back and spin me around to face him.

"You arrogant fucking prick…" he start to growl at me and I felt my blood boil.

"Jacob Black!" I turned to see Jasper walking out towards us. I breathed a quite sigh of relief. I really didn't want to have to fight Jacob. Not like I couldn't win, I'm sure I am faster on my feet then him, but one good punch from him and I was certain I would see stars. "Just what do you think you are doing?"

"Stay out of this Whitlock." Jacob snapped back.

"No, I don't think I will." His voice was so calm and collective. He would make a great captain someday. He was so sure of himself and level headed. "I don't know what the problem is here but I am sure I have a good guess and I know she would not be happy to see this happening. Jacob, back off and stay out of their lives. You aren't a part of them anymore. And Edward…" I glanced up and he smirked at me. "I believe Bella is waiting inside for you; something about needing to go shopping for food?" I smirked at him and casually walked away. Jacob probably was getting an ear full right now – or at least one could hope.

I found Bella lingering patiently next to the front of the engine bay waiting to go. I slipped my arm around her shoulders as we headed down the sidewalk to walk to her house. "What was that all about?" Her voice was strangely quiet and reserved.

"Oh…um…With Jacob?" She nodded her head. "I think he wanted to give a big brother like talk but failed miserable at it." I laughed lightly.

"Yeah just ignore him…." She tightened her grip around my waist. "So…we need to go to the store still. I need a few more items to prepare for dinner tonight so that we can just take it with us to my dad's tomorrow and cook there. Less cooking and prepping tomorrow, I think."

Bella had asked me a week ago if I would join her and her dad for Thanksgiving dinner at his place. She apparently cooks for them every year and it's usually just the two of them. She insured me that the only other person she brought home for Thanksgiving was Alice back in college. I had to laugh at that one. I knew my Bella wasn't innocent before I came along, but I reveled in the fact that she hasn't been as serious about somebody before me. Serious enough that she wanted to bring me home to meet her father, well, meet him as her boyfriend and not a co-worker like the last time.

But I ultimately knew that this meeting would be highly different than the last one. Last time, I met chief Swan as the co-worker who was interested. This time – I was the boyfriend who was in love with his daughter. Yes, I knew and soon I would let Bella know it. I was full on, head over heels, stupidly drunk in love with Bella Swan. And I wasn't afraid. I knew Bella was supposed to be in my life and I would tell her so. It was just a matter of when I would tell her. Bella is quite stubborn when she wants to be and with the way in which we got together, she might be a little more reluctant to admit to being in love with me. I do fear she has commitment issues - serious commitment issues. How she got that way was still a question I hadn't gotten the answer to – yet.

Bella POV

Edward and I arrived at my dad's early on turkey day. I had the bird in the oven by ten and I knew we would be all ready to eat by three. I had done plenty of prepping at home before getting here this morning. Believe it or not, my tiny ass studio apartment kitchen was actually almost bigger than my father's kitchen in his apartment. Only difference was the fact that his oven could actually fit a full sized turkey in it. I cooked the pie at home and made sure I had all the other side dishes at least ready by the time I got to my dads'.

Edward and my father escaped to his living room to sit in front of his big flat screen for today's football game. I know Edward wasn't much of a football enthusiast but I am sure he was just humoring my father for the day. I was a little worried about what they would talk about while I wasn't in there but I didn't think it would be too bad. As soon as we arrived my father remembered exactly who Edward was from meeting him on that one mass car pileup call we had gone to. Truth be told, I was actually quite impressed with how well they were getting along. I assumed my father would pull the typical father figure role and set Edward right. I was wrong. If anything, he actually enjoyed his company. It felt weird. It has been just me and my father for the past twelve years and here is Edward, who just walked in and became a part of our family, no questions asked and warmly welcomed by my father of all people. So why did I feel so claustrophobic? Like there was an impending doom right over the horizon?

Dinner was a pleasant affair. I had the turkey cooked and on the table just shortly after three o'clock. There were also mashed potatoes, stuffing, rolls, green bean casserole and a few other items. I didn't flake on Thanksgiving dinner, I always went all out. Most the time my father and I would both have enough leftovers to last us a good week or so after the fact. But I had a feeling this time; Edward would make sure we didn't have that much left over.

"Here dad…" I said as I placed the carving knife and fork down by the Turkey. I quickly took my seat and waited for him to carve the turkey.

"Here Edward, why don't you do the honors…" My dad replied as he pushed the knife towards Edward. My dad is a very proud man, full of traditions and had always been rather old fashion. It felt like he was passing on the tradition of the man of the house carving the turkey. And he picked Edward. I felt the walls closing in around me again, claustrophobic and quite unsure of how I should react. I love the idea that Charlie accepts Edward so thoroughly, really I do. But it all felt too fast. I was barely coming to the terms that I could fall in love with this guy, could be with him, actually be with him and not just in the case of sex. But given my history and the stuff from my past – I wasn't positive I was ready for any of that. Wasn't it supposed to be the guy that isn't ready for love and commitment, not the woman?

Dinner was almost done when my father's work pager went off. Sure enough, like most holidays, I didn't get to spend the whole day with my father. Apparently a lot of crooks thought it would be convenient to rob places on holidays when everyone was at home with their families. Charlie quickly dressed and rushed out of the apartment, grabbing another dinner roll on the way out while mumbling a fast goodbye. Edward and I were fortunate I suppose. Unless something huge and serious happened, we wouldn't be called in too.

Edward helped me do the dishes and get the kitchen straightened up for my father. Once my father was gone, everything seemingly went back to normal between Edward and me. It was calm again, I didn't feel on edge or like I was trapped. It was just Edward and it was just dishes, no matter how domestic it felt. It was back to bumping hips, picking on each other and laughing like we do at the station. Maybe it was just us being around my father that caused me to think irrationally, make my brain stir up trouble that wasn't actually there.

We left not too long after my father did. Tonight I would be staying at Edward's apartment instead of my own. We try to split our time between apartments. More often than not we would find ourselves at mine instead. Why you may ask? Because Edward's apartment made me feel nervous. Well, maybe nervous wasn't the right word. Intimidated. His apartment was intimidating.

I knew his father had money. His whole family was rather wealthy to say the least. I grew up on Charlie's salary. A Forks police chief doesn't exactly rake in huge piles of cash. I never had to want for anything but if I did want for anything above the standard need of living – I had to earn it. As soon as I could in high school I had a job, and ever since I have always had one. Never did a time go by that I didn't have a job to support myself, or my father and me like in high school. I worked my way through college and even now, I still have massive student loans to pay off. I wouldn't say that Edward is spoiled or even ungrateful, he is just rather privileged and he doesn't even realize to what extent. Money isn't an object to him, he could care less whether he had it or not and his nonchalance about it was the only thing that really bothered me. I often thought he took advantage of it.

Walking into Edward's apartment was nothing like walking into mine. My apartment was a small studio where the only thing sectioned off was the tiny little bathroom that was nearly the size of the one I had at the station just with a shower included, no bathtub. Edward's apartment was a two bedroom with a one and a half bath. Large open floor plan with massive ceilings and a view that spread far enough out that you could see the sound. He had a fully furnished stainless steel kitchen and his bathroom even had a Jacuzzi tub. I was jealous, I knew this, but I also allowed myself to fall head first into the nice surroundings whenever I was over.

Edward and I wasted no time falling into bed with each other. My shirt and pants were gone by the time we reached it and he was in nothing but his boxers. I would like to say that sex was not the only thing we ever did with each other, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't at least three-quarters of our time well spent with each other. His lips left mine and traveled down my neck to my shoulder kissing a trail along the edge of my bra. I loved the attention I got from him. He was more about satisfying my needs before his own which was a rarity among men. I vaguely heard him mumble something against my neck and stilled.

"What did you say?" I knew I heard my voice waver and I was afraid of what his answer was. I was praying it wasn't what I thought I heard. Edward leaned back and looked me in the eye. His eyes were radiant and full of warmth and I knew it right then – this was not going to end well.

"I said that….I love you." His voice was soft and almost scared; childish in a way. And I saw the exact moment dawn across his face when he realized he shouldn't have said those three words out loud. It was along the same time that the flood gates broken within me. Everything finally snapped.

"Move." I mumbled as I tried to push him off of me. "I said move Edward." I shoved harder and he finally flopped down next to me on the bed. I started to push up to get up and put my clothes on. I had to leave. I had to get out right now before I hurt him anymore than I already had.

"Bella…." I didn't turn around. I couldn't look in his face. "Bella….please talk to me. Tell me. Please tell me what's wrong." It was too late. I could already hear the brokenness in his voice. The desperate pleas. "Why won't you look at me? Bella….I lov.."

"Shut up!" I scream and whipped back around to look at him. "Don't you say that. You can't love me. There is nothing of me left to love." I gestured to my body indicating the emptiness I felt that apparently he couldn't see.

"What in the hell are you talking about? Bella, I love you. Despite what you may think or feel about yourself, your past indiscretions, all of it. None of it matters. What matters is you."

"You don't know what you are saying, what you are talking about. You can't love me, no one can." I felt the tears start to slowly trickle over and slide down against my cheek as I looked at him, pleading with my eyes to not push this.

"Enlighten me then." His voice was soft and beseeching, begging for an answer that I didn't want to give.

"Ever wonder why I was so reluctant to give into your advances?" I didn't wait for an answer as I continued. "Wonder why I dated around and never settled down? Why I am so fucking terrified of commitment that I don't talk about anything long term unless it has to do with work? Work is the only thing I can control. I can't control anything else and I need that sense of power in order to function."

"Okay…." I could see in his face I wasn't making any sense.

"Wonder why I never talk about my mother?" I saw his face awaken with understanding, very little understanding but it was there none the less. I wiped at the tears streaming down my face trying to compose myself. I had to be able to get this all out for him the first time through or I'd never be able to get it all out coherently. "When I was fifteen I was diagnosed with Endometriosis." I choked out trying to keep my voice from wavering. "Basically its cysts that can grow on your ovaries. My parents and my doctor thought it would be in my best interest to have surgery and get them removed. So I did. I remember that day so clearly it hurts. The sea green foam color of the walls. The nurse telling me it was a 'soothing color'. I call bullshit. I had never been so scared in my life, even after running into a burning building. I can even remember the smell of the bubble gum smelling air they put over my face as the anesthesiologist knocked me out."

I stopped in my tracks when I realized I was pacing back and forth. I didn't dare glance over at Edward. I was too afraid to see the look on his face. Afraid I might see the same look that was on Jacobs, so I continued. "When I woke up from the surgery I remember being a little happy. Sore but happy that I would no longer have any pain. I would get to be a normal girl again. It was almost two months later when it all came crashing down. I went back to the doctors for a checkup, you know; to make sure everything was all hunky dory again. But it wasn't. Wouldn't you know, apparently my body was 'acting funny' argh…" I even did the air quotes as I quoted the doctor from that day. "I had to start taking hormones to regulate my body because it was so out of whack. And then the doctor told me the worst part. The scar tissue from the surgery…." I felt the tears stream down my face harder. "The scar tissue…." I choked up on my words. "It leaves me with a microscopic chance that I could never have children of my own."

I turned away from Edward before I could look him in the face. I started stumbling looking for my pants, I needed to leave. I needed to leave right then. "Bella….I had no idea…but that doesn't change…"

"Stop it." I turned back around, pants on with my t-shirt in hand. "Stop it. I can't believe anyone's words but my own anymore. My own mother left me when she found out that I would never be able to provide her with the grandchildren she always wanted. MY OWN MOTHER LEFT! How do you think that made me feel, huh? How do you think that affects a fifteen year old when they find out that not only are they fucked up, infertile and will constantly have to take hormones for the rest of their life, but their own mother can't stand the sight of them?" I scrambled to shove my shirt over my head before he could approach me. "The only one that hasn't left me yet is my father. My mom left. She now has a perfect non-dysfunctional ten year old girl named Vanessa who can provide her with all the beautiful grandchildren she always wanted. Alice, Rose, Jasper and Emmett – I see the looks. I know the pity. Why do you think I am the honoree aunt and godmother to all of their children, huh? And Jake – the first person I actually did trust after everything my mother had put me through….and what did he do? He left me for another woman he cheated on me with and KNOCKED UP! So forgive me if I have commitment issues. Forgive me if I can't accept your love. I just can't. I won't be the person that takes your life away. I can't take away the opportunity you get to have at being a father someday. I'm not worth it."

I could see the hurt in his eyes, his tear filled eyes as I backed away from him not letting him touch me or say anything. I always knew this was too good to be true. I turned around and nearly bolted towards his living room to grab my purse and keys, as I approached the door I heard him.

"Bella….please wait…" He came running after me, unlike Jacob, unsurprisingly.

"No, Edward….I'm sorry….I can't." I slung my purse over my shoulder and hurried out the door and down the stairs. Away from the only happiness I could have ever truly known.

A/N: Don't kill me *runs behind big boulder* Please have faith, trust is the main issue here *Hey you with the rock, put it down*…. So….review and talk to me please instead of resorting to violence. K?