A/N: Yeahp… this is coming to an end, but you are going to LOVE it, I promise. I also thought you all deserved a long chapter, so it's pretty long for me. As for reviews, I want my inbox crowded… please! *MALCOLM puppy face*

Castle lay in bed feeling the boredom creep over him. He was sick and tired of being in bed. The bath had helped somewhat and he was not obsessed with clawing his body to kill the itch. He was just plain old bored. He sat up in the double bed and looked around the room. It was a nice room, something he might have picked for his own, with chocolate brown walls and cream colored skirting boards. There was a picture of flowers on one wall, and the Mediterranean on the other. Other than that, it was a bare room, with a side table and a plain brown wardrobe.

He leaned over and opened the top drawer of the side table. There were no surprise items in there it seemed the average womanly items, a hair brush… items of make-up… her wallet… a gun strap… and a diary- A DIARY?

His eyes widened as he took the leather bound book in his hands, his fingers running over the word JOURNAL on the bottom right hand corner. He opened it, as his curiosity won over as he shortly contemplated the idea of being caught by Beckett. Was it worth it, to see the inner workings of her mind, first-hand… HELL YES!

He turned the page, his eyes scanning across the words.

Journal,

I met Richard Castle today. Boy! The arrogance of that man is infuriating… he is so damn egotistical. He could drop himself into the Grand Canyon and still be halfway out. He's like a nine-year old on a sugar rush, and is immaturity level is disturbing. But he sure has something… I'm not sure what it is, but I like it. I think… damn, it's confusing me. I don't think I've been attracted to a man this way since… well, ever. It's different. It's almost exciting.

He gave me his latest book today, and signed it, which was sweet in itself, and then he kissed me… granted it was on the cheek, but the many times I had fantasized about it, when I stood waiting in lines at the bookstore for an autograph for hours, he never saw me as anything other than another face in the crowd. But now, he looked at me like a prize on a gaming shelf. I'm not sure what I like better. Only that he actually looked at me, like I was a person.

God, I sound like a school girl, it's pathetic.

He spoke to Montgomery and he has insisted that he needs to spend months with me… it seems he thinks I would be a perfect candidate for a series of books. ARGH! I'm not sure my tolerance level is high enough to have to face him day after day for months on end. But at least he's not bad eye candy, not that the man needs more of an ego boost.

I guess tomorrow will be a new day… I'll keep you posted.

Castle sat back grinning to himself, with his arms folded. Kate Beckett thought he was HOT! She had waited in line to receive autographs before they'd even met. He wondered why he had never noticed her in a crowd before. She was beautiful, she was more than that, but he couldn't remember ever meeting her before the issue with his copy-cat and his book.

He turned the page and looked at the next entry, and the next, and the next, and over the next 30 pages he discovered that her feelings were beginning to take a new turn.

Journal,

I heard about Rick's new offer. It seems he has been chosen to write a series of books for a lot of money, meaning that he would have to leave New York, leave the precinct… leave me. I know I never told him enough, but I LIKE having him around. I like having him baiting me, and challenging me, and testing me and pressing me to my limits. He's the only one I would ever allow to get away with it, without literally hauling his ass into jail.

I know I don't show my emotions. I can't… but if he left. I'm not sure how well I'd go with that, if I'm truly honest with myself, I think I'd fall into a heap. God, I'm such a girl deep down, I give the illusion that I'm one of the guys, but I'm not, not really!

He read the next entry.

Journal,

He made a decision. He's staying!

I can't seem to wipe the smile from my face… I feel like I'm floating on a cloud of ecstasy. :D

He grinned cheekily as he turned the next page, hungry for more.

Journal,

I watched Rick's face when I announced that Demming and I were together. His face seemed to show some expression of hurt. It worried me. I never wanted to hurt him, I hate the look on his face when I do, and I just wanted to protect myself. I don't deal well with heartache, and Rick is the type of person to walk away, he's been married more than once, what kind of person marries that many times without being one to give up so quickly?

How can I want someone like him, and risk the chance of being hurt… he'd walk away, he'd give up on me. I can't do that to myself. I want to… whenever I'm with Demming I just can't seem to focus on anything else but Rick. How he feels about it, how he feels about me. It's pathetic I know, but I think sometimes I might even… No, it's not possible. I'm not that stupid, am I?

Had she really been that smitten with him? How had he NOT noticed that? How had he seen her everyday and not known the changes going on inside her heart, how had he been so oblivious to that when she was with Demming?

Because you were jealous, you fool!

Journal,

I feel sick.

I watched that bastard walk away from me today with that stupid woman he once married, GINA. I wanted to scream at him; instead I stupidly asked if I'd see him in the Fall. God, I was pathetic. He had the nerve to invite me to the Hamptons and when I turned him down, he invited HER! I'm SO angry with him, and myself, for ever allowing my emotions to get the better of me. I made a mistake. I don't know how to stop feeling these things for him now…

I can't believe I was stupid enough to end my relationship with Demming for him, and think that Rick cared enough to wait a few hours before inviting someone else to take my place. I am SO stupid! I would have gone with him. I would have done anything he asked me to do… no matter what it was. I would have told him how I felt, maybe, if he'd asked. I'd marry the damn man if that's what he wanted. I can only imagine what plans he would have had for us, what he wanted to do with the time spent up there. He's a male, and he never fails to spill what's on his mind.

Now, I'm only tortured with the images of he and Gina… the lucky woman will have his every bit of attention now, and I'll be here all Summer… waiting, hoping and feeling regret for not making choices sooner than now.

Castle felt a stab of both disappointment and excitement. Had she actually ended things with Demming in hope to take the place of his companion in the Hamptons? He wondered if she would ever bring herself to take a chance with him? Yes, he told himself, she had accepted a date and he was currently residing in her bedroom. That had to be something in itself. She was slowly making her way towards trusting him, despite her fear, and he wasn't complaining.

He shifted on the bed, and turned the page.

There were two entries left, and he couldn't help himself.

Journal,

I feel lost. I don't remember ever feeling this low, not even when my mother died did I feel this lost and hopeless. At least then I knew it was the bastard that killed mom who was at fault and not mine. I feel numb, and sad, and angry… I feel so many emotions at the same time that it's overwhelming. I haven't slept in days, though it feels like weeks.

I hate eating. I never feel hungry anymore. I just want Rick back… I know he's the cause of all this. I know it would all go away, if I saw him. If he baited me again, teased me, annoyed me, I'd welcome anything that he had. Everyone at the precinct knows the changes, and they are being incredibly understanding. They kept throwing words of encouragement at me, telling me that it will get better, Rick's an idiot to walk away from me, that I'll get over it in time and I just need to hang in there. Lanie is trying so hard to get me out of the house, but I just don't want to do anything, but work and sleep, sleep sounds good right now.

Does he miss me… I keep thinking about it. I keep thinking about how many times he and Gina have shared the same bed? How many times she has pressed his lips to hers, and it wasn't me!

I want to sleep… but I just end up lying there. The circles under my eyes are as deep as the hole in the Grand Canyon. My face is pale and I don't care about anything. I just want him back, diary, do you think he'll bother to come back from the Hamptons or will that stupid troll end up stealing him away for good. And if she does, where does that leave me?

Now it was Castle's turn to feel sick.

The smeared page did not go unnoticed by Castle. He could have sworn they were stained from tears, and he hated himself for ever making her feel that way.

He wasn't sure he was prepared for the final entry, but he gave it a shot.

Journal,

He's back from the Hamptons!

All this time, and I still find that my heart explodes in my chest at the mere sight of him. He's mesmerizing and beautiful, and… oh God, I'm pathetic. All the past months emotions have seemed to disappear. I feel new and refresh, but I'm also afraid. I couldn't say anything to him, at least not right away. He attempted to make a joke about him being invisible… he's certainly not that. I was cold to him, I couldn't help it, I was afraid that if I didn't hold up my defenses I would wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. All the dreams I've been clouded with, I just wanted to know what it felt like, but I knew I wasn't thinking rationally, thank God I didn't make a fool of myself.

As far as I know he could be have gotten married again.

I'm so afraid to ask him all the questions I've been pondering. How were the Hamptons… did he sleep with Gina… I'm an idiot to think he didn't, but a small part of me still hopes… did he miss me? Would I be insane to ask that?

Yes. I would.

I feel like my heart is being literally ripped in pieces… I just want it go away. I'm afraid to write it, in case someone ever read it but… I love him, I am deeply in love with him, and I want him more than I've ever wanted anything in all my life. Now I'm afraid that I'll never get to tell him that, I'm afraid that I'll go through life feeling this way always… and he'll never know, and I'll never get him.

He climbed off the bed, and waltzed over to the door. He had to talk to her about it. He couldn't leave this open the way it was, she had to know that he could be trusted, that he would never hurt her, that he grown to love her, more than she would ever know. He would have walked through fiery coals to prove his point.

He found her on the couch.

She looked up from her book – one of his – and smiled weakly. "Feeling better?"

He held her journal in his hands, and raised it slightly to draw attention to it.

Her face seemed to drain of color. "You… you read that?"

He nodded shamefully. "I did."

She looked away, both angry and mortified.

"Kate…"

"Get out of my view Castle," she warned.

"Kate, I want to talk about this," he pressed.

She shook her head. "You don't want to be anywhere near me right now, Castle. You will find that the other end of my anger is NOT a happy place. Go back to bed, and leave me alone…" her tone was cold but low.

He didn't move.

She stood from the couch and crossed the room to him, her hands clenched into fists, her anger blazing. She was beyond angry, she was seething. Her only defense was attack, and she came at him with flying fists. He struggled to grab her wrists in defense, to stop her striking, but it took time. She got in a few good punches first.

Among all the commotion, the K-9 heard the crisis and came running to Beckett's aid. Barking viciously at Caste, who didn't seem the least bit concerned if he was bitten or not.

When he did finally grab her wrists, and look at her, she had tears brimming in her eyes. She stopped fighting, and he drew her against his chest, holding her as she let out a few sniffles and a short sob, before she pulled herself together long enough to look at him.

"You had NO right to do that," she spat.

"I know," he nodded in agreement. But he didn't regret it. He couldn't, now that he knew the truth, now that he knew all the things that really went on inside her head. But he was sorry he hurt her, and that she was now angry with him. "I'm sorry, Kate."

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ears and took the chance to kiss her.

She responded to him, and brought her hands around his neck, gripping the material of his shirt in her hands, holding him as if she were afraid if she let go, he'd disappear. He broke away first, and saw the dog wagging his tail as he sat patiently by their feet.

"What will we do with Mal?" he asked as a wide smile spread across his face.

"What do you mean?" she frowned.

"I mean when we get married," he shrugged casually. He wanted to marry her, and after reading her diary, he figured it wasn't all that farfetched.

"What? We are NOT getting married Rick!" she turned away from him.

He grinned and waited for her to look back.

"What?" she demanded, clearly suspicious of his expression.

He nodded to himself. He had her right where he wanted her. "You called me Rick," he observed. "You love me…"

"I never said I didn't," she shot back.

It took a moment for the words to sink in. She wasn't denying it, and that was better than a good sign, it was practically admitting she did. He nodded looking overly pleased with himself. "You love me."

"What's the point?" she folded her arms across her chest.

"The point is, I have Alexis and my mother, and my house is MUCH bugger to accommodate a lot of people and I figure that since it's just you and Mal, you might as well live with me…"

"I never said I'd marry you…" she stated.

"Why not?" he wasn't disappointed yet, there was too much unresolved.

"You never asked me," she smiled.

"Okay, marry me?"

"NO!"

"Why not?" he frowned.

"Because I want it to be memorable," she said.

"Really…"

"Yes really."

"I never would have thought you to be the traditional type."

"You're a romantic Castle, I expect the best, I will only getting married once. You have to make it count."

"Alright," he pondered. "If I do it right, will you marry me?"

Beckett shrugged.

"Is that a yes?"

"Depends,"

"On what?" he was willing to comply.

"On how it's done. I want a hundred percent perfect proposal."

"I'm an author of mystery books, not a poet," he pointed out.

"Got that," she noted. "Take it… or leave it…" she teased.

He grabbed her and pulled her into his arms, and remembered the entries that told him what her concerns were. "Despite the number of times I have been married, I will NOT walk away from you, you are far too important, and just to set matters straight, I did not give up easily on any of those marriages, and I'll fight even harder for ours. I love you Kate Beckett and your little dog too…"

He laughed at his own joke, and when she was sure he wasn't looking a smile passed her lips, as she envisioned a beach wedding bare feet, and a long silk white dress.

Mrs. Richard Castle… Mrs. Kate Castle… Detective Kate Beckett-Castle…

It didn't sound so bad.

This time, she leaned in and pressed her lips to his in reply to his comments.

THANK YOU all for following through with this story, I'm proud to have such loyal readers!

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