Here's the next chapter. This was going to be posted yesterday but my internet access went bye bye at a really inconvenient time. Enjoy!
Chapter 13.
Bella and Rose walked back to the house and entered it through the front door; finding all signs of the family's recent arrival gone from sight; the unpacking already done. Esme greeted them both with a hug and Rose left to go and find Emmett. Esme took Bella's hand and pulled her towards the couch. "Bella, I spoke with Jasper earlier."
Bella smiled, remembering what Rosalie had said about Esme being the one he always turned to. "I thought he'd talk to you."
"Are you okay, dear?" While she was clearly worried about her son; she seemed just as concerned about making sure Bella was okay.
"I'm fine, mum. I talked to Rose and she told me a few things about him I didn't know. I think I understand him a little better than I did before."
Esme stared at her and the look on her face made Bella pause. "He thinks you hate him." She whispered; worry written across her face.
Bella saw the expression on her face and squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I don't hate him. I love him. I just need him to love me." She hoped that answered her mother's concerns.
"He does but he hates himself for it." Esme said apologetically, "He knows he's treated you badly; he's just struggling to come to terms with everything."
"It's because of Alice, isn't it?" Esme nodded; her eyes fixed on Bella's face. "I knew that; I knew it when he ran off but I didn't want to admit it to myself."
"Admit what?" Esme was confused.
"That he lied to me when he said it'd never been like that with anyone else. He was just trying to make me feel better."
Esme barely let her finish before she started talking. "He wasn't. He told me every word he said to you was the truth but the reason he feels guilty is because it was better than with Alice." Bella was silent as she stared at the woman who was so like a mother to her. "I think I know why it might've been like that too but I didn't tell him. It would just hurt him."
"What do you think?" Bella whispered.
"Alice never really accepted him; was scared by his scars; she used to prefer it when she didn't see them because it was as if she could forget they were there. And he used to do it for her because he wanted her to like him; to love him. It was the thing he was most scared of; that he would lose her because of the scars. You aren't like that, Bella."
"I'm sure he still thinks I won't like him because of the scars. He's always so tense when he lets me see them; like he expects me to run away screaming."
"He does. He can't understand why you don't. I know how he thinks and the fact you've accepted them as part of him doesn't make sense to him. In some ways we even treat him differently because of them; he can sense that some element in each of us is scared of what they represent; even after all these years and these days he's nothing like he was when he and Alice first joined us. That's why he can't understand how you don't hate them; because he does; they're everything he hates about himself."
"They're part of who he is; it's because of them he's the person he is today. He had to go through all that to get to what he is now. Anyway I think they're beautiful; they make him more beautiful."
"That's what he doesn't understand. His scars are his biggest insecurity; they're what he struggles with on a daily basis; even more than his thirst for human blood and you need to know now he's always going to be like that on some level. When the two of you came downstairs the other day it was like he was a different person; for the first time he was relaxed about them; he didn't cover them up; he didn't look like he was in pain which is how we've always seen him in all the years he's been with us."
"I know. It didn't seem like such a huge deal at the time but you and Rose have both mentioned it so I guess I can see why it was."
"It's all because of the way you make him feel, Bella, so never doubt how he feels about you. He just needs to work out a way to turn off his feelings for Alice."
"I don't want him to forget about her. I know he's always going to love her. In the same way I'll always love Edward. It's just a different kind of love that I have for Jazz."
"He'll learn to deal with this, I know he will but his emotions are too raw at the moment and whenever he's with you the guilt builds until it overtakes him. I don't think this will be the last time he reacts like this, Bella. You need to be prepared for that." She looked down for a second, "There's something else as well. I'm sure he hasn't told you; he wouldn't want you to feel bad." Bella looked at her in confusion. "Part of the plan Edward and Alice came up with was to distance her from Jasper; so she would be able to get away from him in Phoenix; to do that she had to argue with him. It was something they hid from the family but they'd been fighting for months, before you even arrived, I think. It got worse when you moved to Forks." She paused for a second and looked at Bella. "Their last words to each other were said in anger; it's one of the reason's he finding this so difficult."
Bella thought over what her mother had said and knew every word she was saying was true; while she didn't like how he'd behaved and she wouldn't normally let someone treat her like that she could see how confusing everything was for him. Part of her began to worry about how they'd handle this if it were to happen again but now wasn't the time to think about that; she needed to try and repair what was currently still broken. "I know. Is he back?"
"Yes. He's in your room." Esme smiled at her tenderly and then kissed her on the cheek.
"I need to talk to him." She whispered and got to her feet and then looked down at her mother, "We'll see you in the morning."
*B-o-B*
Bella took her time walking to the room; composing herself and hoping she'd find him in a receptive mood. She walked along the corridor and opened the door to the bedroom. He wasn't on the bed but as she scanned the rest of the room she saw he'd turned the rocking chair towards the window and was now sitting on it. She wasn't sure he'd even realized she was there as she approached him and saw he was staring out of the window; his face tense and his eyes slightly unfocused. He was dressed in fresh clothes and she was pleased about that because he'd been covered in blood the last time she'd seen him. He'd obviously showered and his hair was still slightly damp; making her want to run her fingers through it but resisting the temptation.
She grabbed some clothes for herself and went to have a shower; wanting to freshen up a little and ensure she didn't look like she'd been crying; not that she really had been given the fact she was a vampire. She rushed through the process and when she walked back into their room he was still sitting there. She walked over to him again and now allowed herself the opportunity to brush her fingers through his hair. Her hand moved to his face and she grazed the surface of his cheek with her fingertips. He didn't react and she wasn't sure how to get a response from him. She wished she could go back in time and just have him hold her in his arms like he had several times over the last few days – since their return from Phoenix; she always felt better when they were like that. As she mulled over that thought she knew what she needed to do; moving slowly she climbed onto his lap and curled her body into his; resting her head on his chest and then pressing her lips to his neck briefly. Her hand reached for his arm and before she even knew she was doing it, one finger was tracing the arc of a scar that was near his wrist, just like she'd done two days earlier.
For someone who lived his life in a complete state of emotion; he was now scaring her because he seemed to be completely devoid of emotion. He still hadn't reacted to her presence and she wasn't sure he ever was going to. She hoped he was going to say something soon because she needed to feel something from him; needed to know that at least a little part of him was still in there and she hadn't lost him completely. And she was damn sure she wasn't going to be the first to say something. It was time he made some move to making things up to her.
They sat there in silence and she wondered how long it would take for him to react to her; he hadn't moved since she'd come into the room the first time and didn't respond at all when she'd sat on his lap; she wasn't holding out much hope of him reacting in any way to her. Just as the thought ran through her mind his arm moved and wrapped around her waist; holding her against him. Maybe she'd been unconsciously sending out the feeling of rejection? He began to rock the chair slowly and she relaxed against him; the presence of his body against hers still offering her comfort despite his withdrawal from her. His hand moved slowly up her back and then he was running his fingers through her hair and his lips kissed her forehead. "Sorry." He whispered against her face; so quietly she barely heard him but she could feel the sadness he was feeling as if it clung to his skin.
While it was only one word she could tell he meant it; there was still a lot he needed to say but it was a start. "Me too." She said just as quietly. His arms tightened around her a little and she snuggled into him; trying to increase the contact she had with him. "I don't regret what we did, Jazz. I never could."
"I don't either. I'm sorry I gave you the impression I did." He moved his arm from under her fingers and lifted her chin so she was looking at his face. "I'm having problems getting past how I feel about Alice and it's making it difficult to…"
She interrupted him; not wanting him to withdraw from her again because of what he was saying. "It's okay, Jazz, I understand. I know you love Alice and I'm not expecting you to forget her, in the same way I haven't forgotten Edward. We're just going to have to work through this together. I know they'll always be in our thoughts and we're always going to love them. Just please, don't shut me out if things get too much for you." She hugged him tightly. "You know you can talk to me about anything, don't you?"
"I know." He was silent briefly before speaking again, "I'm sorry I ran; I could've handled things better… there was just so many emotions in the room and it got too much for me to deal with. I needed to get away and work out what was going on; to sort things out in my head a little."
"And did you manage to do that?" she asked; somewhat scared of the answer she might get.
"A little. Esme also helped me when I spoke to her. She made me see things a little clearer."
"I talked to her as well; when I came back from hunting with Rose. And with Rose. Both of them got me to understand a bit more about you; to clear up some things in my head as well."
"Should I be worried?" Bella could hear the slight smile in his voice.
"Never. They both love you and only had good things to say about you."
"Then they obviously were missing out a lot of things." He said wryly. "What did Rose talk to you about?" He sounded nervous now.
"About how good she thought we were for each other; how I seemed to be able to make you happier than she'd ever seen you and Esme said something very similar." She smiled at him softly but it fell from her face quickly as she remembered the rest of the conversation she'd had with her sister. "Rosalie told me about what you were like when you first came to them and about things Alice had told her about the relationship the two of you had." The chair stopped rocking and she wondered if she shouldn't have told him but she wanted him to know she understood. "She said about the first time you showed one of them your scars. Both her and Esme said how surprised they were that you showed them to me so quickly and it wasn't until they said it that I realized how big a thing it was. I'm sorry I didn't realize how much."
"It was important to me that you saw them. I'm not sure I can explain why but I knew if I couldn't show you then things would never work between us."
"I'm glad you did and I hope you know how much that meant to me. And how much they aren't an issue for how I feel about you. Esme says you don't understand why they don't bother me."
"I don't." His reply was simple and told her a lot about how he saw himself.
"I've been thinking about this and I think you had to go through that part of your life to get where you are now. If you hadn't, you might not have become the person you are today; you may not have met Alice; or the rest of the family. We almost certainly wouldn't be together now. I like the person you are, Jasper; I love the person you are so how could I hate the thing that made you become it?"
"I guess you're right." He said softly; although she could tell he didn't fully accept what she'd said.
"You still hate them though, don't you?"
"Always."
"Then I'm just going to have to love them for the both of us." She said; a smile on her face.
"You're such a freak, Bella Swan. It's just as well I love you."
Time seemed to stand still for a second before Bella was able to speak again. "I'm glad you do, Jazz." Again silence fell on the room but this time it was more comfortable than it'd been earlier. "I think we should go back to taking it slow. Maybe we rushed into this too fast."
His grip on her tightened slightly and if she'd been human he would've left a bruise. "I don't want that."
"Don't want what?" her anxiety increased as she wondered what he was going to say.
"To take it slow. I know I said I did and at the time it seemed right; and I guess how I acted earlier doesn't exactly back up what I'm saying now but I can't go back to taking it slow. Not now. Not when I know what it could be like between us. Does that make sense?"
"A little." She said. His hand rose to caress her face again and then his lips were on hers. She lost herself in his kiss and as the seconds passed she knew he was right; she couldn't go backwards either. It wasn't what she wanted or needed and her need was pretty strong right about now. She pulled away from his mouth and saw the desire in his eyes; feeling the evidence of how much he mirrored her emotions beneath her thigh. He swiveled her round so she was straddling his lap and his hands dropped from her face and ran down her body; a shiver running through her from his touch. Then he was caressing her ass and pulling her closer to him; the chair began to rock again and as he kissed her once more she pressed herself against him harder. They both knew where this was heading but they took their time getting there; neither of them rushing to repeat the mistakes they'd made earlier. Earlier was still in both their minds but they wanted this time to be slower; to really mean something. It was about establishing the emotional bond between them and making it strong. It wasn't long before they both stood and began peeling each other's clothing from their bodies; taking the time to explore what was revealed with hands and lips.
Jasper pulled her close again once they were both naked and sat them back on the chair; her legs either side of his as he felt her body push towards his. "God, you feel so good." He whispered against her lips.
Her mouth moved down his jaw; descending lower to his neck; lips kissing each scar she encountered before moving onto the next. Her fingers brushed those on his shoulders and arms as her mouth investigated further down his chest. He heard the words beautiful, stunning and wonderful fall from her lips and for the first time in many years he felt better for having his scars. Never before had anyone said anything remotely similar to him about the way he looked and to hear it from her was even better; he finally began to believe all she'd said about them. Her hand slipped down his body and then she was gripping his cock; rubbing his length back and forth in such a way that made him close his eyes and his head drop back against the chair. She lifted her weight off him; his eyes opening to meet hers at her movement; slight panic edging across his face. Maintaining eye contact she slowly lowered her body; feeling him push into her in a way that was satisfying to them both. There was none of the pain she'd experienced last time and she knew he wasn't affecting the way she was feeling this time because all she could feel emanating from him was pure love. This was right and what they both needed; something neither of them had truly believed until a few minutes earlier.
He was buried within her and his hands gripped her hips; holding her in place and enjoying the experience of worshipping at the temple of Bella Swan. If he thought the last time had felt good; it paled in comparison to what he was feeling now. If he'd had a pulse it would've been racing and he knew this was something he was going to want to experience over and over again; knowing each time would just get better and better. "I love you, Jasper." She whispered; bringing him back to her.
"I love you too." He said softly. Their movements were tiny this time but it didn't lessen the connection they could both feel building; it was as if they were in sync with one another. The motion of the chair just brought them closer together and as he felt her pushing down on him again he relished the feel of her surrounding him. His mouth met hers in a series of heated kisses and each one sent the whirlwind of emotions around them spiraling even higher. His hands gripped her hips a little tighter and she smiled at him; her speed increasing just slightly.
The way it felt to have him inside her body was beyond anything she'd imagined it could be. Their first time had passed in a blur of new feelings for Bella but this time she was taking the time to really enjoy the experience. He was stretching her in ways she longed to feel again and again. There was something so different about Jasper to how Edward had been with her. She could feel Jasper was holding nothing back from her at this moment whereas everything about her being with Edward had been about restraint and frustration. A part of her hated that during these moments with Jazz it always made her think about her first love; how she always ended up comparing the two of them when in reality it was impossible for her to do so. They were so unlike each other and it felt wrong for her to try and highlight their differences. Whatever she did, she knew there was no changing her developing feelings towards the man she was now making love to. While Edward would always be her first love she already knew Jasper would be her true love; her feelings for his brother were already dwarfed by those she felt for Jasper and given time these new emotions would only grow further. "Jasper…" she murmured as her body began to tighten on his length.
His breathing was already becoming labored and then he was hit with an intensity of emotions from her that made it even harder to do so. His body was almost tingling with what they were both feeling and that was only the tip of the iceberg as the minutes passed. When she murmured his name he felt like he'd died and gone to heaven; her body was clenching around him and for a few seconds, time stood still again as he bathed in the glory of what they were feeling. His hands moved up her body and then he was cupping each of her breasts; his thumbs brushing over the nipples. She shivered on top of him and he lowered his mouth to take one peak; his tongue circling it lovingly. His eyes darted up to her face and he saw her biting her lip; pure concentration written across her face. "I've got you, darlin', let go." She gasped and he sucked on her breast again as he moved his hips beneath her and thrust into her harder; edging her closer to another peak. Her hands moved to his head and as her fingers brushed through his hair; her nails scraped the surface of his scalp slightly and his body came apart; an explosion of emotions hitting them both harder than he could've thought possible. She screamed his name as she broke around him and both of them were gasping for air as the moment slowly faded away; her body leaning against his; her head on his shoulder.
*B-o-B*
They were still sitting in the chair hours later; her body wrapped around his. "We should get up. We have things to do," he murmured.
"I don't want to move." She whispered; her lips brushing against his ear.
"Me either but you wanted me to teach you to fight, didn't you?"
"I did; I do. I just prefer you teaching me to love at the moment."
"I do too… but I think the family would probably appreciate an appearance from us; just to make sure we haven't killed each other."
"I'm sure they heard us not killing each other several times last night."
He smiled at her tenderly and realized she was right. "Probably. Still we should go out there." He clutched her against him and got to his feet. "Shower with me?" he asked as her legs and arms wrapped around him tightly. She murmured her acceptance and he sped them to the bathroom. As he stepped under the water he turned the temperature of it up so it was hot; too hot for humans to withstand. His body was again reacting to her as it already had many times in the last few hours. His hands moved to her legs and pulled them from round his waist; hearing her sigh of disappointment as her feet touched the floor. He pushed her back against the wall behind her and her eyes met his; the fire igniting in them as she realized what he'd planned. He bent his knees and then he was thrusting into her; closing his eyes as he reveled in the feeling. This position felt different from the times they'd shared before; she was tighter around him and gravity was working wonders on making sure he moved into her deeper. He lifted one leg and wrapped it around his waist; feeling her stretch open a little more. She was already moaning and her hands were clawing at the wall; trying to find purchase. Each thrust into her pushed her back into the wall and as he pounded into her repeatedly he could feel her excitement growing. She was already tightening around him and he knew it wouldn't be long before they both fell to their bliss. He wanted it to last longer; he knew it would be several hours before he'd get to experience this again and he wanted this to be something they could remember and cherish during that time.
"Jazz, Jazz, Jazz." She murmured with each thrust. Her lips kissed his passionately and her tongue swept around his mouth.
He pulled her away from the wall and lowered her leg again; hearing her moan and feeling the kiss pause. "Trust me." He whispered. She pulled away from him and stared into his eyes; a small nod being her only response. He smiled at her and his hands twisted her body so her back was facing him. He kissed her shoulder as his hands moved across her body; settling on her breast and clit. "Enjoy this, angel, because it needs to get us both through the rest of the day." He felt her relax slightly in his arms and as he pushed back into her from behind, she whimpered his name. His thumbs began a double attack on her body as he thrust into her powerfully; each stroke pushing them both closer to the edge. "Come for me, darlin'. Take me with you." He urged her.
"Harder…" she gasped and Jasper was only too eager to oblige. "God… I'm so close." His lips touched her shoulder and neck; his teeth nibbling softly on her skin. She screamed as he pushed into her one more time; her channel clamping down on him like a vice.
He smiled against her skin and continued to pound into her; hearing her cries increase in volume again as he picked up speed. He was as close to his peak as she'd been and he knew he just needed a little bit more before he came. He would never get enough of the beautiful woman he was currently fucking; there was no other way to describe what they were doing and he wasn't sure he would want to anyway. What they were doing was a beautiful thing and yes, okay it was different to when they made love but that didn't mean there was any less love involved in it. He felt Bella move away from him and watched as she leant her arms against the wall in front of her; looking back at him over her shoulder. The look on her face was pure sex and his hands shifted to grasp her hips tightly; pulling her back against him with as much force as he pushed into her. He could feel he was getting deeper within her now and he loved how that made him feel; much as he hated to admit it, he had an overwhelming sense of pride that was buried deep in his gut and he hoped he wasn't sending it towards her; knowing it would probably piss her off. It did help with one thing though because as his hips collided with her ass he flew over the edge and his cock throbbed within her. "Isabella," he growled out into the room and he felt her tighten around him again; enough to lengthen his orgasm. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back against him; her head falling to lie on his shoulder, turning towards his neck and kissing it softly. "That was fantastic," he whispered. "I love you."
They stood like that for some time, the water long since cold as it splashed all over their body. "We need to go out into the lounge." She murmured.
"I think we need to do some things between before we go out there."
"Smart ass." She said; laughter bubbling in her voice.
He slowly washed her hair with her favorite shampoo and conditioner; before turning his attention to her body and cleaning that too. He took his time looking after her and still took the time to kiss her intermittently. He worked at his natural speed to wash his own hair and body and then reached behind to turn off the water. She watched as he retrieved two towels; one of which he quickly wrapped around his waist. He took the other in his hands and patted it over her body; removing the drops of water clinging to her skin. He lifted her into his arms and carried her back to their room; setting her on the feet and then kissing her on the lips. "Get dressed, Isabella." He whispered and then turned to the closet, pulling some clothes from it for him to wear; clothes he threw onto the bed behind him. He turned back into the room and saw Bella doing as he'd said and getting dressed. He watched her as she pulled the shirt he'd thrown onto the bed for himself onto her body; a move which sent a pulse of desire through his body. He felt his body begin to react to what he was seeing and wished they had more time for what he wanted to do. He strode over to the bed and began to dress in his remaining clothes, "Tease," he said when he saw her smirking at him as he pulled on his jeans.
She walked over to him and stood in front of him, "I'll make it up to you later." She whispered; stroking his length through the denim.
He pulled her against him and kissed her passionately; the intensity building once again between them, "I'm going to hold you to that, darlin'," he purred in her ear before dragging her towards the door.
"You know, you might want to put on some more clothes, Jazz." He looked at her and then looked down at his still naked torso. Embarrassment flooded his system and he knew he was probably telling her how he was feeling. He released her hand and zipped across the room and grabbed a T-shirt; rushing back to her and pulling her from the room.
TBC
A/N: So there you go... What did you think? Please review. Next chapter later today now... given my delay in posting this.