CS15
Roy thought about what his partner didn't say. Why he didn't want to go home in the first place, what request couldn't he fulfill? Right now, Johnny was starting to trust him again. He would have to take it easy until his friend and partner was willing to tell him what the request was.
Bringing in Johnny's dinner, he found his partner staring off into space. Setting down the tray, Gage picked at his dinner then looked at Roy.
"Man, Roy I messed up good. Do I even have a job to go to?" John took a drink of milk.
"Of course you have a job to go to Junior, Cap promised me you did, it's just he said you'd be closely supervised and they may revise the guidelines is all," Roy said gently.
"Man, now you can blame me when you can't work OT and Roy I owe you and a lot of other people apologies. I just screwed up royally, sometimes I'm my own worst enemy you know," John took a savage bite of his food.
"Johnny, I'm sure they'll understand, you know. You were grieving in your own way. They will understand I promise you that." Roy tried to comfort his lost partner.
"I wasn't grieving Roy. I was running away. My Aunt's urn was a reminder of the failure I am. Her last request and I can't do it. Total lack of character," John pushed his tray away.
"Johnny, if you don't mind me asking, what was your aunt's last request?" Roy took Johnny's tray and sat it on the bed stand.
John looked pensively out in the distance, rubbed his hands through his hair and looked at his partner and friend.
"Roy, she wants her ashes scattered over the reservation. Isn't that silly? I mean Roy she had it together, she left the reservation and made something of herself, man. She was the one who took me from there when I was 13. She didn't want me to end up like her brother, who was my father," Johnny got quiet and yawned. "Roy I'm really beat."
"You didn't eat much dinner Johnny, Brackett's not going to like that," Roy stated as he stood up and took the tray. "He'll be here tomorrow to check on you Junior. So you'd better behave."
"Sure Roy, I'll behave I have to go back to work. Too much time thinking here," John slid under the covers and was asleep before DeSoto left the room.
Roy found his wife, washing dishes and kissed her as he helped her finish up.
"How's Johnny?" She could see her husband was troubled.
"He's okay, I guess. I can see why he won't talk about his childhood Joanne. I mean if I was him…it almost like his life started when he came to LA. I didn't realize how lucky I was until I met Johnny. I feel guilty now playing into Chet's game about Johnny's Indian heritage," Roy dried a plate and put it in the counter.
"Roy you know Johnny he would never let you feel that way. You see how he cares about you and how he saves you all the time," she handed him another plate.
"Yeah, I see why he talks about the here and now and well…I hope he'll feel safe enough to tell me why he can't fulfill his aunt's request," dishes finished, Joanne and Roy headed to watch a little TV before bed.
****
Brackett checked on his patient and found everything in order.
"I think you'll be able to go back to work next week," Kell looked at the dark haired paramedic.
"Yeah, I know I got a call from headquarters, guess they want a psyche eval on me. Can't blame them," Johnny sighed.
"Johnny you have nothing to worry about. I feel you're sane and were just…confused," Brackett started putting away his instruments.
"No, Doc I was showing a total lack of character, because if I did what I was supposed to do I wouldn't have a problem in the first place and able to go back to my apartment in the first place," Johnny lamented. "I owe you an apology for copping that attitude when you examined me before Doc. I owe a lot of people apologies."
Kell looked at his overwrought patient. Gage was not one to hold in his emotions, and so far, DeSoto had told him what prompted his partner from working so much. Seizing an opportunity Brackett braced for the worst.
"So why couldn't you go back to your apartment Johnny?" Brackett pulled up a chair.
His patient got silent, and then looked with pain filled eyes.
"I lost someone very close to me and well I just couldn't handle it. You think that person will be there for you since she pulled you out of the fire. Stupid huh?" Johnny played with his blanket.
"Johnny it isn't stupid. I know losing anyone is painful," Kell sighed, thinking of his mother. "But everyone gets through it their own way and I'm sure your headquarters will see it the same way."
"Yeah, Doc. Roy always thought I was a nut to begin with and now the department will too. Guess I can kiss my job goodbye," John closed his eyes and sunk into his pillows.
"Johnny you have to give yourself time. When did this person die?" Brackett still unsure of the closeness of the person of his favorite paramedic.
"Thanksgiving, it was my Aunt, the one who gave me a chance. A real chance Doc. She gave me hope, promise and a future," a few tears trickled down Johnny's face and he wiped them away. "But I'm still a failure."
Brackett stood up and couldn't help pacing. "The holidays can be really rough when you lose someone close Johnny. You work, other people drink, just don't do anything rash."
"Rash? Don't you think working through the whole month rash and thinking of transferring enough? What else do you need?" Gage fidgeted in the bed. "I….I've been enough of a burden to Roy all ready. Can I go home at least?"
Kell looked more clearly at the heart broken man. He had seen him when he had lost girlfriends but this was different. His aunt appeared to be his whole world and when she died, John became lost too and tried to find solace in work and helping others.
"Johnny I'm going to go with to Headquarters and present your case. You're just wound up differently than other people. But you'll be able to go back to work I'm sure of that. As to going home…" Brackett didn't want to see the young man alone. "Wait until you can go back to work. You're physically able, but you need to build back your strength, okay."
"Sure Doc whatever you say," John frowned and watched the doctor leave.