Disclaimer: Me no own.

A/N -- Well, in this chapter, Zuko is a virgin (or is he?), Zhao undergoes a name change, and Mai is a whore. I may have to up the rating for this!

WARNING -- Since I'm too lazy to up the rating, know that this chapter uses extreme language and is rather sexual in its content. (No porn, just JOKES about sex.) Also, it may seem a little shippy, but since everyone just seems to be doing everyone else, I don't think it really counts.

CHAPTER 1 --

BANGING ZUKO

Azula's royal ass-haulers marched on, carrying the princess in her carriage which mysteriously lacked wheels, while Mai and Ty Lee rode a bicycle made for two alongside it, wearing matching green and white outfits. Suddenly, Ty Lee asked,

"Hey, Azula, why is your brother chasing a skinny twelve year old boy with tattoos across the freakin' world, anyway? I didn't think Zuko swung that way."

"He wants to get his honor back or something." Azula replied, as Ty Lee thought-bubbled rather disturbingly.

"Is that like...his virginity, or what?" asked Mai. The entire procession stopped to stare at her.

"What? I'm just sayin', 'cause he's not getting that back." she shrugged.

"Hey, no faiiir!" whined Ty Lee. "We're the Doublemint Twins! If YOU banged him, why didn't I?"

"You're just mad because I'm so much more bangable then you." smirked Mai."

"Oh, and I bet you sound like fucking Eeyore on a binge when you have sex." Ty Lee shot back. One of the royal ass-haulers coughed.

"TOO BAD this fic is rated T..." he said, raising his eyebrows, although we couldn't see them from under his mask. He removed his mask and raised his eyebrows higher, pointing to them.

"Well, maybe the author should make another fic called 'Banging Zuko' where all we talk about is--" Mai began.

"Baked goods!" Ty Lee cut her off, laughing somewhat hysterically.

"Evil, Fire Nation baked goods!" Azula added.

"No, silly! All we'll talk about is--" Everyone stuck their fingers in their ears and screamed,

"LALALALALALALALA!"

"--BANGING ZUKO!" Mai finished in a scream.

MEANWHILE

Somewhere far away, Zuko cocked his head.

"Tea?" asked Iroh, concerned.

"No, Uncle, the tea is fine." he sighed, then added, under his breath, "Unfortunately."

He looked over the mountains, then said,

"I just thought I heard someone scream 'BANGING ZUKO!' But it must have been my horny teenage imagination."

"Tea." Iroh said sympathetically, patting him on the shoulder.

BACK AT THE PALACE MA-THINGY-BOB

"WHO DARES?" boomed Ozai, Fire Lord of Scrabble.

"Commander Zhao, my lord." the guy with the funky sideburns replied.

"NO!" roared Ozai. "THAT NAME DOES NOT PLEASE ME! YOUR NAME IS NOW MR. FUNKY SIDEBURNS!"

"But sir--"

"WHAT IS IT, MR. FUNKY SIDEBURNS?"

Zhao--I mean, Mr. Funky Sideburns sighed and bowed.

"I would like to molest--I mean, go after your only, EXTREMELY rapeable, son and rape--DEFEAT him." he requested.

"He IS very rapeable, isn't he, Mr. Funky Sideburns?" mused Ozai. "Very well. You may go after my honorless, only son to NOT rape him and kick his skinny little virgin ass."

"But sir, according to Mai--"

"HE'S A VIRGIN!"

"Okay!!" And with that, Mr. Funky Sideburns ran out of the room and left Ozai to bathe in Scrabble tiles.

Well then.

IN THE CAMP OF THE GOOD GUYS (OR SOMEWHAT OKAY GUYS)

"Wait!" exclaimed Aang. "WE'RE the good guys!"

"The somewhat okay guys." Katara corrected him.

"WHATEVER!" Aang yelled. "WE'RE THEM! And the evil guys are getting more air-time than us! EVEN THAT REALLY WEIRD CHICK WHO SOUNDS LIKE EEYORE ON A BINGE WHEN SHE HAS SEX!"

"How would you know?" asked Toph.

"Lucky guess..?" Aang said tentatively.

"Well, I think she sounds more like Marilyn Manson having a stroke, but that's my opinion." Sokka said.

"I kind of thought it was a gorilla with jock itch." Katara added.

Toph stared. (Or...not.)

"Have you all...?"

"Yes."

"Ooookay..."

With this extremely awkward moment under their belts, the team moved on to the subject of the evil Fire Nation baked goods that they had consumed and of the Pepto Bismol they would now need.

Fantabulous.

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

Zuko's mother went on Jerry Springer.

But that's a different story for a different chapter, and I don't feel like writing it right now because my fingers hurt and Zuko's mom is a tart anyway.

"What did you say about my momma?"

Um...goodbye!