PART 4: AN AUTHENTIC MOS EISLEY EXPERIENCE

The bar is what the Lonely Planet Guide to Tatooine would call an 'authentic Mos Eisley experience' – which means that it's a sleazy, grimy-walled dive full of blaring music, inter-species nookie in corners and some very nasty arguments, and that's just the front room. The beer's pretty bad too, but on a planet so dry all the water's been recycled about fifty times, what do you expect? Qui-Gon takes a gulp of his pint and grimaces. Shmi laughs.

'You have to admit, there's nothing like a nice lukewarm glass of Desert Juice.'

'Desert Juice? Sounds like a substance that comes out of a horny Tusken Raider's – '

'Ugh, do you mind? I'm trying to eat here!' Obi-Wan exclaims, looking in disgust at his bantha-burger with extra pickles, which is grey and rubbery and has about as much nutritional value as a bowl of Lucky Charms. Qui-Gon, who has experienced the gastronomic rollercoaster ride that is Tatooine bar food – and came out of it unable to ever look at a bowl of peanuts in quite the same way again – tried to warn Obi away from it, but as usual the boy was thinking with his stomach.

'Meeser not feeling so good,' Jar Jar comments plaintively from the other side of the table. He is surrounded by empty and half-empty glasses of various beverages, most of which he 'borrowed' while people's backs were turned. Shmi turns an unsympathetic eye on the hapless Gungan.

'I'm not surprised. I told you not to mix your drinks – well, not that they're precisely yours...'

Midway through Shmi's sentence, Jar Jar topples drunkenly off his chair, managing to knock a nearly-full can of mooloo over as he falls. Mooloo, made largely from things that live in slimy ponds on Dagobah, is possibly the most noxious beverage in the universe, and no one except rather foolhardy Gungans would even have nightmares about drinking it (yes, it really is that bad). Obi-Wan hasn't noticed Jar Jar's little accident and continues eating his burger.

'Hmm, this bit tastes OK, but it's all soggy... what's that smell, by the way?'

His voice dies away when he sees Qui-Gon and Shmi staring at him in undisguised horror, then his eyes flick down to the mess on the table. He gags and hastily pushes his plate aside.

'I'll just, er, go and get some cloths or something,' he mumbles in a strained voice and wanders off towards the bar.

'Did he really just do that? I can't believe he just did that,' Shmi groans, still staring after Obi-Wan as if he's suddenly grown an extra pair of arms. Qui-Gon sighs.

'Yes, he did. No, it's certainly not my fault that he has all the street sense and guile of a concussed duckling. Why don't you take Jar Jar outside, I'll sort this mess out...'

Over at the bar, Obi-Wan is waiting for the serving droid to notice him and also trying to get the taste of the contaminated burger out of his mouth, making it look like he's got a really itchy tongue. A hand touches his shoulder and he stares into the face of a gorgeous cerulean-haired Alderaan girl, who is looking at him with a concerned expression.

'Are you alright? You look a bit ill.'

Obi-Wan can't quite find his voice, and he's just noticed he's got a splodge of mooloo on his tunic. Why do things like this always happen to him? She is looking at him quite insistently now, so he straightens his shoulders, swallows firmly and nods. God, she's stunning... No, Obi-Wan, he tells himself, remember the Code!

'Uh, no, I'm... er, I'm fine thanks, er...' he stutters. She raises one perfect blue eyebrow at him.

'Are you sure I can't help you with anything? I work here, you know,' she says helpfully, pointing to her name badge – which is in Tatooine script, so Obi-Wan can't read it. He sighs.

'Well... are there any cloths or napkins or, you know, cleaning things? One of my friends, er, knocked over some, um, mooloo. Made a bit of a mess...'

He then wonders why the hell he admitted that as her face screws up in disgust. She points at a stack of paper napkins right next to his elbow that he didn't even notice.

'Oh, right... thanks...' he mumbles, feeling rather silly, grabbing a handful of them and venturing back to the table, completely unaware of her eyes still on him.

'Who was the hot chick?' Qui-Gon remarks. His voice is muffled by his robe, which is pulled up over his face to blot out the smell of decomposing pond life. Obi-Wan passes him some napkins.

'I don't know, Master. I couldn't read her name tag.'

'You know, Obi-Wan, there is this amazing little question you can ask when you want to know what somebody is called. It goes "What is your name?" You should try it sometime – '

'I know that! I just didn't get a chance! Besides, I'm covered in this disgusting mooloo stuff. Hardly the right look for meeting people and having polite conversation.'

Qui-Gon refrains from commenting on the 'polite conversation' bit, and instead tries to think of some suitably mystical advice for his hopeless apprentice. For God's sake, having to teach a twenty five year old how to pull is just undignified. He finally thinks of something and eyes Obi sternly.

'You only look as good as you feel, young Padawan.'

'What the hell's that supposed to mean?' Obi-Wan snaps, grimacing as he puts his hand in something he'd really rather not think about. Qui-Gon sighs. Maybe that was a little too mystical.

'It means, oh ye of little sense, that if a drop-dead gorgeous woman is talking to you of her own free will, you could at least look like you're enjoying it! When I was your age, I'd do anything for some attention from a girl like that – '

Unfortunately, Shmi chooses that exact moment to return to the table, dragging a rather queasy-looking Jar Jar with her, and she catches the tail end of Qui-Gon's sentence. Her normally pretty face creases into a decidedly un-pretty scowl.

'A girl like what, Qui-Gon?' she asks accusingly. Qui-Gon groans.

'Bloody hell, you just had to come back right then, didn't you...'

'Honestly, what is wrong with you? I only have to be gone for five minutes and you're already hitting on some tanked-up floozy – '

'Hey, steady on, I only meant that if I were Obi-Wan, I'd... oh, forget it,' he finishes hopelessly as Shmi stalks off to the women's refresher in a huff.

'See? I knew it. Intimate relations only lead to jealousy and unrest,' Obi-Wan announces smugly. Qui-Gon turns round and gives him a long, measured look.

'Obi-Wan?'

'Yes, Master?'

'Shut up.'