Just as my crying began to subside I heard someone clear their throat at the door. Looking up shocked I wondered in my embarrassment how long Dr. McAndrew had watched me cry before gaining my attention.
"I can come back in a few minutes." He said, trying to be polite.
"No, um, I just – I didn't…" I wasn't entirely sure what I had planned to say as an excuse, so I just stopped trying. "I hadn't thought about the fact that I might die. It hadn't even occurred to me, and then it just did. And I'm scared."
"You have one of the best teams in the world working to make you better. It's normal to be scared, but you don't need to be. You're going to be fine." I had a feeling McAndrew had said this speech a million different times to a million different patients.
"Can you promise me I won't die?"
There was a moment of silence. It was one of those silences that are somehow still loud and I knew he wanted to say he promised, but he knew better. He knew it would be a lie.
"If you can't guarantee it, please don't lie to me. I could die, I realize that now. It doesn't make me any less determined not to though. So, talk me through this chemo."
After McAndrew left I sat in the empty room thinking on everything else. About two minutes in to thinking however, I realized I was tired of thinking. Getting up I couldn't really decide what I wanted to do with myself, then Leo's offer bounced back to the forefront of my mind. It seemed as good an option as any, so I headed out to find the room with the painted windows.
By the time I got there it was full. "Hey, Piper, you actually came!" Leo smiled widely at me. He greeted me like we were already old friends and it threw me for a loop. I wasn't sure if he was trying to be overly friendly or he honestly treated people like that all the time.
"Hey, just got done meeting with Dr. McAndrew. I didn't really know what else to do so…you said you had some people for me to meet?" I look around the room, taking stock of the others sitting around sizing me up as well.
There were two other guys besides Leo. One was black with a short afro and slightly drooping eye lids, which made it look as though he was high. The second was olive skinned, but didn't look white, possibly Hispanic. He had medium length light brown hair and dark brown earnest eyes.
There were also two girls in the room. One, tall with dyed blonde hair and cold grey eyes. She was staring as though my very existence was an insult to her own. The other was thin, like obviously sick thin, with skin that looked like it was once olive but had paled a bit, probably because of whatever was making her thin. Her hair was long, just like the blonde's, only she had light brown hair. She had brown eyes and a style the bordered on hipster.
"Leo, my man, when you said you met the new girl on the ward you didn't mention how beautiful she was."
"Yeah, uh, Piper, this is Dash." Leo chuckled, pointing to the boy who had just spoken. Droopy eyes was a smooth talker.
"Piper, it is a pleasure to meet you." Dash got up from his spot next to Leo and walked over. He took my hand and grasped it with both of his. "Leo probably neglected to tell you this but, I'm a guy who knows how to get things around here. Anything you need, feel free to call on me."
"Dash, was it?" I ask, gently removing my hand from his. When he nodded I smirked. "I'll be sure to remember that. But first, tell me something."
"Anything."
"Do any of these lines ever work on a girl?"
"No, they don't." The brunette girl laughed. "I'm Emma; it's nice to meet you." She held out her hand for me as Dash moved back to his seat.
I shook her hand and smiled tightly. It wasn't that I didn't want to be polite, it was just, I didn't feel like smiling just yet. "Nice to meet you too."
"That girl over there with the permanent bitch face is Kara, but you don't have to be friendly to her." Leo pointed to the blonde.
"Yeah, you really don't." Kara smirked. "So I heard you got a single."
"What's a single?" I asked, completely lost.
"Ignore her." Leo smiled.
"I'm Jordi, by the way." The brown haired boy said. "I'm pretty new here too."
"Hey." I gave a small wave.
"And now you've met almost everyone who matters at this hospital." Leo waved to the group at large.
"Almost everyone?" I asked.
"Yeah, well you haven't met Charlie, but we'll introduce you to him later." He answered. "You want something to drink?"
"Sure." I answered automatically. In social situations I had a tendency to be a bit uncomfortable; I couldn't bring myself to say no to anything offered even if I hated it. Once I ate a cherry tomato even though I absolutely hate tomatoes, just because someone's father offered it to me.
Dash reached into the bag on the tray table next to him and handed me a bottle. Realizing what had just happened I looked down to check the bottle. "How did you get alcohol?"
"Seriously? Does it matter?" Kara rolled her eyes.
"I told you, I can get anything." Dash smiled proudly.
"Well, I don't drink." I blushed, beginning to hand the bottle back.
"Really, like never?" Kara stared at me as though I was just too much of a freak for her to comprehend.
"Well, I've never really had any friends, and even if I did all the kids at my school are too obsessed with their own talents to bother to try to score anything illegal…except Ritalin or Adderall from the ADHD kids to help them focus."
"What kind of school did you go to?" Jordi asked in shock. The fact that he said 'did' was not lost on me. I guess technically I went to whatever school the hospital provided now, so 'did' was appropriate. I still didn't like the sound of it though.
"Academy of Arts and Education." I mumbled a little, slightly embarrassed to find that I was once again different from everyone else. We were all sick, but somehow I was still different. What does it mean when you're still not able to fit in even though you're in a group of kids dying, just like you?
"Are you serious?" Emma asked shocked. I nodded slowly. "That's amazing! They're pretty selective. What were you attending for?"
"Nerd alert!" Kara cut through. "Is this seriously what we're going to do the first time this poor girl drinks, talk about school and other things that get nerds off?"
"Piano, I'm trying to work my way to a full ride scholarship to Julliard." I ignored Kara at first to answer Emma. Dash still hadn't taken the drink from me so I gave up trying to give it back and instead examined the bottle. "I really don't know if I can drink this."
"You're in a hospital, with cancer. I think having a beer is the least of your worries." Leo pointed out. I looked at him for a moment. The look in his eyes said, what have you got to lose, and I couldn't think of one thing I wasn't already at risk of losing.
I sighed and twisted the top off. Just before I put the bottle to my nose to smell it Jordi stops me. "Don't smell it!" I jerk the bottle away quickly, shocked by his sudden outburst. "Sorry," he chuckles. "It's just if you smell it it'll discourage you. Just take a leap of faith and drink."
I sigh and nod. I bring the bottle to my lips instead and close my eyes. I tip the bottle back and taste my first beer. "That's sort of gross." I say after I swallow. The group just laughs. I take another drink. I finish my first fairly quickly, finding if I drink quickly I don't have time to notice it doesn't taste good. Dash offers me another one and I take it without hesitation this time.
"Don't drink too fast or you'll make yourself sick." Emma advises.
"Yeah, and I am not holding your hair back if you barf." Kara adds.
By the time I finish my second beer a warmth has spread throughout my body and it's not altogether unpleasant. "Is there anywhere I can get some air?" I ask calmly, trying to prevent the warmth from becoming uncomfortable.
"You aren't sick are you?" Dash asks.
"No, just a bit warm."
"Oh, that's normal. I think we have just the place to get you that air." Jordi looks to Leo, who nods.
They take me up some back stairwell until the stairs end. There is a double door at the top. When we walk through it's clear we're on the roof of the hospital. The air is cool and every few minutes a breeze would flow through. On the roof was a couch and arm chair with a rug underneath. "Wow, this is pretty awesome."
"Yeah, this is our own private hang out. And now it's yours too." Leo smiled at me.
"What do you mean?"
"We're kind of a group." Jordi starts.
"Yeah, the red band society, you can call us." Emma laughs holding up her arm to show a red hospital band around her wrist.
"And you are our newest member." Dash nods approvingly.
"Really, just like that? You don't even really know me."
"Yeah, but you're just like us, that's enough. Besides, we hang with Kara and you can already tell how annoying she is. You can't be any worse than her." Emma smiled.
"Hey!" Kara scowled at Emma.
Smiling for the first time since I got the news I moved to sit on the couch next to Leo. It was comfortably cushioned, not too much that I sank into a void of couch quicksand, but soft almost cloud like. I sighed, content with the warm feeling still flowing through my body, keeping the cold from the breeze at bay. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, resting it against the back of the couch.
"You okay?" Leo asked, and I could feel his eyes on me.
"Yeah, I feel warm, but not too warm, and sort of like I'm floating and falling at the same time." I opened my eyes and lazily turned my head to look back at him. "Is that normal?" I wasn't actually scared by the feeling; I just wanted to know if I was still weird somehow.
Leo just chuckled as he watched my face. "Yeah, actually it is. At least that's usually how I feel when I drink."
"I think I like it." I smiled softly.
"Yeah, me too." He smiled back.
I honestly don't remember most of the rest of the night. We stayed on that roof talking and laughing for a while. When it started to get really late we made our way back down. I found out Jordi was also doing chemo and we'd being doing our sessions together. He offered to meet me in my room in the morning so we could head there together and I accepted. When I climbed into the hospital bed for the first time I felt like a stranger in a foreign land, but the warmth still flowing through my body from the beer and the pure exhaustion of the emotional roller coaster I found myself on was enough to put me to sleep.