Chapter 9... 'Letters'

It hadn't been easy for him to do this, any of it. It wasn't really what he wanted. What he wanted was to be with Bones. But he had to be fair to Jennifer. She'd done nothing wrong in any of this. He knew that Brennan really did understand why he had to give Jennifer and him a shot. He also knew that it was because of him that she could be so understanding of it all. He had wanted to give it a go with him and Brennan, and she'd turned him down. But the fact was that he wanted to, and was willing to give it a shot.

This fact comforted Brennan. Booth treated Jennifer with the same respect he treated her. It was only fair. Brennan wasn't part of that equation, at least not anymore. She had nothing to do with Booth and Jennifer's relationship, except, perhaps, to act on an advisory capacity, if either of them needed it.

"How are you holding up, Sweetie?" asked Angela as she opened another bottle of wine. It was Friday night. Booth was out on a date with Jennifer, and Brennan and Angela were sharing a very 'girly' evening, filled with chocolate, wine, and lots of gossip. "Don't hold back on me!"

Brennan thought of receding to her old, 'cold-fish' like self.

"I am actually doing quite well, Angela" she replied, with a bit of a laugh in her voice, as though the question didn't really need to be asked or answered. Really, it was too much wine, but it was the truth.

"I'm glad to hear it, Bren. You've been back a month now, and all you've done is spend your time engrossing yourself in your work, or here in your apartment, moping."

Brennan just smiled. She hadn't had a night like this for years. Her smile faded as she thought of how she spent most nights with Booth.

"You're thinking about him, aren't you?" Angela was quick to sense that the mood had dimmed. She could see the little smile curl on Brennan's lips, and then fade away as a different thought entered her mind.

Brennan nodded sadly, and Angela put her arm around her, trying to comfort her.

"Sweetie, it's alright."

Brennan fought back the tears. No, you won't cry. He's not gone forever. He's still in your life. Be grateful for that.

"I think I'd just like to be alone for a while now, Angela. Is that alright?"

Angela nodded. "But you call me, anytime you want. I'm always ready to talk or listen, Bren. Just know that." Angela grabbed her purse, kissed Brennan on the cheek and left.

Booth's date was going well. He and Jennifer had finished dinner, and were just at the bar have a drink. They were laughing and having a good time.

"Is everything alright, Seeley?" asked Jennifer, as she placed her hand on his arm.

Booth put on a brave face. "Everything's fine. I just..." He trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"What?" asked Jennifer, her smile slowly fading.

"Nothing" replied Booth, leaning in for a kiss. He started to think 'It's not Brennan' but quickly shook the thought from his mind. If I'm going to give this a shot, I can't be thinking about her.

"Nothing" smiled Booth.

Brennan sat in her apartment at the dining table, bottle of wine almost empty beside her glass. She took a sip and started to go through the things in the box that was in front of her. She pulled out photos, newspaper clippings and other various things that meant something to her. When she thought everything was out of the box, she tipped it upside down. Something small fell out. It was one of the totems that Booth had been given by the coven of witches, shortly before they left America. She thought of the childish way in which he'd played with it, before making the wish. "It's little Bones" she mimicked, playing with the totem. She smiled to herself closed her eyes and thought of that night. 'I wish that you could find happiness... love, laughter, friendship, purpose and a dance.'

Brennan had had all of those, and now she had none of them. A single tear trickled down her cheek, and she desperately wished that Booth would show up and wipe it away. But he didn't.

Brennan was able to accept that she and Booth wouldn't be together. Instead of expressing her feelings to Booth or Angela, Brennan began to write letters. They helped her through the tough times.

One day, Brennan was at the lab, in her office, finishing some paperwork on the latest case from Limbo. She heard Booth's familiar laugh as he walked into the lab. Getting up to greet him, Brennan saw Jennifer following Booth as he dragged her through the lab by her hand. Brennan's expression didn't change. She just went back to her desk and took out a new sheet of letter paper.

"Hi Bones!" exclaimed Booth as he walked past her office.

"Hi" she replied, half-heartedly. She didn't try hiding the letter when Booth came into her office, as she hadn't written anything yet.

Jennifer waited outside.

"Is everything alright, Bones?" His voice was soothing to her. He cared about her, but not in the way she wanted him to.

She wanted to tell him that nothing was alright, but she knew that wasn't fair to Booth.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's alright, Booth. Enjoy lunch with Jennifer."

Booth hesitantly left. He knew that it wasn't alright, but there was nothing he could do now. Booth flashed a heart warming smile at Brennan before leaving.

Brennan's phone buzzed on her desk. It was a message... from Booth.

Bones, that wasn't fair of me. I won't bring Jennifer to the lab anymore. I'm sorry.

Brennan smiled. She still wanted to write that letter, but didn't know how to start, or what to put in it.

Booth...

It is irrational for me to feel jealous of you and Jennifer. However, it seems that whenever I am near the two of you, I am incapable of compartmentalising this emotion.

As pure as your intentions may be, I feel (yes, I feel) that our partnership will never be what it was. I can still work with you, Booth, but it causes my heart to drown when I see you two together. Angela tells me that this feeling is normal and that it is also 'sink' not 'drown'. I cannot change what I am feeling, but you should know that I will never be okay with you and someone else. I have forgiven you for not showing at the Reflecting Pool, like we had originally planned. But I cannot, and will not forgive you for the heartache that you have caused by bringing someone else into your life to replace me.

Yours always,

Bones

The words had stopped flowing. Brennan couldn't think of a way to describe how she was feeling without sounding overly emotional. Her heart pounded at the thought that Booth would never know how she felt about him and Jennifer. 'Thank you, Bones' he'd said. But Brennan wondered what that really meant. Was he thanking her for being so understanding, or for letting him have a chance at another relationship? Maybe he was thanking her for trying to make it easier for him to let go of her.

Brennan cast these thoughts out of her mind, and tucked away the letter, preparing to delve into another Limbo case. She stood up, squared her shoulders and marched down into the Bone Storage.