August 23rd, 2007

I envy Johnny Storm.

Not just Johnny Storm, but the entire Fantastic Four. Why?

Because keeping your secret identity a secret is a real pain in the butt.

I mean, really. The FF are so lucky. They don't have a secret. They can just go about saving the human race without worrying that your mask would come off.

But for me, that's something I always keep in the back of my mind.

Like today, for instance.

I was doing my thing. Swinging around, having fun, patrolling the streets, when, out of nowhere, someone idiot in a mask flies over me. My spider-sense was a bit slow, and he pummeled me to the ground. Dazed from having my body smashed into concrete, I look up and there's a whole frigging team in matching outfits.

"Huh?"

And then one of the guys shot his gun in my direction. It wasn't a normal gun, nooo, these clowns were too cool for normal guns. This gun produced a net. A net that had electric currents. A net that caught me and electrocuted me. Yeah. Ouch. Needles to say I blacked out. Yep. And the team with the stupid matching uniforms carried me to god knows where.

So when I woke up I was in a room. I was tied to a chair, my mask still on. I knew that they had done something to me. They weakened me...somehow. I felt like my powers were numbed.

"Hello? What's going on? Who are you people?"

A man entered the door. He was in a tux. My captor sure knew how to dress. "So many questions, Spider-Man."

"What do you want with me? Who are you?"

"Who I am is a secret, just like who you are. And that, my boy, is what I want with you."

"Oh, getting right down to it, huh? No spiffy evil genius monologue?"

The man gave me a grin. Ick. "No monologue today, no. You've heard so many of them in your lifetime, I doubt mine will be original. I am a business man, Spider-Man. A powerful, dangerous business man. Lately superheroic activities have peaked my interest. I wondered to myself, how could one invest in such a business?"

"By kidnapping the super heroes? Are you nuts?"

"Not nuts. Brilliant. Do you know how much people would pay to have the honors of ripping your mask off? Of having you belong to them?" The man asked me.

"What? Are you going to auction me off EBay?"

"Not EBay, but you do get the general idea. You are only the start of a secret market. And I know a man who would love to bid on your head. The one that sent that assassin after you. Wilson Fisk."

I gulped. "What kind of business man are you?"

He smiled again. "I have a call to make, Spider-Man. I'll return shortly."

And he left me alone. And I wasn't staying put, oh hell no. I fumbled with the ropes, trying to break them. I rubbed them against the chair, trying to wear them. I may have been weakened, but I was still superhuman. The ropes start to sear after a few minutes. I worked harder.

The ropes were broken, though I still wore them around my wrists like unfashionable bracelets. I jumped onto the wall, clinging to the ceiling and hid in the darkness. The door was locked, no doubt, and if I kicked it open who knows how many security guards would come. I looked around for an air vent. Yeah. How cliche is that?

Fortunately there was one. Yep. Cliches, gotta love them. But, thing is, I couldn't let everyone know I was crawling around in there. So I quickly jumped down and ran to the door. I took the doorknob and, with a quick flick of the wrist, ripped it right off. So I opened the door and left it a crack open. Then I jumped up into the dark air vent and I started to climb.

Okay, is it me, or do air vents get smaller? I mean my back hurts so bad from crawling in that thing. But I am so glad I escaped when I did, because I could hear the havoc that my disappearance had caused. I finally made it to the roof, where I thought of what to do. I could beat the guy silly. It'd make me feel better at the least. But no, this was huge. I needed to let people know.

So I called the Fantastic Four.

Ever try using a pay phone when you're in your costume? Not easy.

"Fantastic Four--"

"Sue! Thank God. It's Spider-Man."

"Spider-Man? You're using a pay phone."

"No time! I have no idea where I am. Can you trace my call and meet me here. You got to hurry."

"What's up?"

"I'll explain once you get here."

Well, I didn't have to wait long. Johnny Storm showed up first, then the Fantasti-Car. I explained everything, and they couldn't believe it. "Selling off superheroes? That's insane! If you didn't escape Fisk would've killed you!"

I just nodded. "How do we tackle something like this?"

"Does he know who you are?"

"I don't think so. He said people would pay to rip my mask off. I think he was saving that for his customers."

Mr. Fantastic nodded. "Spider-Man, you're obviously a component in this. I think it'd be best for you to sit this one out Your secret identity is not something to risk."

"But I wanted to kick his--"

"Spidey." Sue said. I nodded and watched them leave.

Which is why I envy the Fantastic Four. They got to beat him up and I didn't. And I really wanted to beat that guy up.

COMMENTS:

(subj:none)

You did a good thing by calling us. Don't worry. I gave him a black eye from you. Maybe you can visit him in prison.

--Ben Grimm

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(subj:mask)

I know what you mean. Keeping that secret is always going to be hard. We just gotta deal with it.

--Deadpool

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(subj:xmen)

You should join the X-Men, Websy. We don't need masks. It'd be cool to have you around.

--Kitty Pryde.