Chapter Fourteen: One Step Forward, A Shit Ton Back

I finish buttoning my jeans and picking up my flat iron when I hear my door open behind me. I turn slowly; ready to burn the face of the attacker until I see Kairi walk in with her head down. She looks like she's withering away and deep down inside; I'm concerned for the child. What is going to happen to it? I mean, Kairi is definitely not ready to become a mother, all she cares about is herself at the moment and I'm guessing all teenaged girls are like that. So really, no teenage girl could ever be ready for a child. I start straightening my hair, turning around and away from the girl and just busying myself with my hair. I like to have it perfectly straight before I tease and hairspray it. Straight hair is a lot easier to work with, or to me it seems that way.

"Axel," Kairi says and I hum letting her know I'm listening as I clip a section of hair away from my face and start working on a different part, I notice she's watching me in the mirror and I see that look in her eyes, that look of guilt. I try and brush it off and just listen to her.

"You still hate me, even if I apologized?" she asks and I stop, ignoring the smoke coming off my hair that's trapped between the flat iron's plates. I stare at her reflection and simply think about that. Do I really hate her? I could easily say yes, yes I do hate her. I hate her so much it could make me physically ill, but I don't want to say that because I know it will hurt her. I've never been one for emotional abuse; I'm more of a fists and kicks kind of guy. I think about it, and if I don't want to hurt her, that must mean I don't fully hate her, but I still hate her. I just decide not to answer her, and instead busy myself with my hair, unclipping the straightened section and just fixing a few stray hairs before I switch off the flat iron.

"You do hate me," she says and I turn and face her now, our eyes lock and I wish that I could go back in time and tell her that years from now she'd be apologizing to me because her life is going down the gutter and maybe I'd be able to stop the train wreck that we are now, but I can't do that and I probably wouldn't do it anyway. I wouldn't want to have to fight all those demons again, I'm still fighting so many but there were many, many more.

"I can't just make myself forget, Kairi," I say and pick up my sweater off the bed and she just watches me as I move around my room, going to my dresser and standing in front of the mirror again, grabbing my hair spray and bristle brush. I begin teasing it, making sure I grab certain layers and make them stand before spraying them into place. Kairi just watches me the entire time until I finish and turn to look at her for the third time I think.

"So, you haven't forgotten anything…" she says and I nod my head before looking over her and just staring off into space.

"I haven't forgotten anything, I've been cursed with an impeccable memory," I find it so strange to be talking to her again, to simply be discussing something with her when I used to tell her to fuck off after just one sentence from the girl's lips.

"But I am sorry, you don't know how sorry I am," she says and I shake my head, chuckling lightly to myself. It doesn't matter if she's sorry or not because she's never going to fix all those nights she made me cry myself to sleep, she isn't going to fix all those nights that I would lie in bed blaming myself for everything that had gone wrong with our family.

"I know you are," I slip my sweater on and she starts crying, quietly this time, just simple crystal clear tears streaming down her cheeks and she grabs my arm as I go to walk past her.

"Axel…stop," she says and I look down at her, my eyebrows furrowed as I watch her big blue eyes simply stare right into my green ones. I see worry, mixed with something else and I curse myself for my lack of skill when it comes to reading people.

"What are you saying?" I ask, pulling my arm from her grasp and she shakes her head, grabbing at my arm again and holding it tighter.

"H-he's coming," she says and I stare at her with eyes the size of dinner plates, I feel like someone just slapped me across the face with a brick and Kairi's eyes are watering, pushing more tears out and I look around the room but I'm not sure why. "I-I told him…our address," she finishes and I rip my arm away from her, turning my ashen face to the quivering girl.

"It was too late when Reno talked to me and made me see what I've done! That's why I'm apologizing, I'm apologizing because he's coming back!" she screams and the room is spinning around my head, I fight the urge to just drop into that darkness and I blink the blurriness from my vision, trying to force myself to focus on Kairi and not punch her in the face.

"You told him…he knows I'm here…and now he's coming," I whisper, dropping to my knees and staring up at Kairi as she cries harder then I've ever seen her cry. She drops in front of me, holding her arms out and just sobbing hysterically.

"I'm so sorry Axel; I should have never done any of the things I've done and I know that now. I've learned a lot since finding out about my baby, I've realized I have to change if I don't want to end up alone…I apologized to Sora and Riku, I helped them get back together. I've really changed and I'm so sorry. You can hate me forever but I promise I won't let him hurt you," I swallow and stare at her arms, the empty space in between them where I can slip into and pray to God that I'll be safe. I throw myself into the space and she catches me, wrapping her thin arms around my back and holds me close as I feel my body shake with fear.

"I won't let him hurt you, I promise…I owe you," she whispers into my hair and I shake my head, hugging her tightly but not squeezing her. The baby is quietly growing inside and I feel my hatred dying away with every beat of the tiny human's heart along with Kairi's.

Reno pushes the door open and stumbles over us, he stays silent presumably just watching us until I look up at him, his image fuzzy because of the tears swimming in my eyes and I blink them away, slowly his features sharpen and he kneels right in front of me, staring at us curiously.

"Are you both alright?" He asks, looking over me to where Kairi is and the girl stares back at him, I open my mouth, words bubbling in my throat but the doorbell ringing snaps all of our attentions towards the hallway. My heart begins to beat crazily in my chest and I can swear I feel Kairi's pulse pumping crazily through her as Reno gets up. "Hold up, I gotta get that," he says and walks away, Kairi pulling away from me and scrambling to get up and stop him.

"Reno!" she shouts, tripping and almost falling. I catch her before she hits the floor and we race out into the living room where Reno is standing, the door open and the barrel of a gun pointed directly at his face. Reno is pushed back into the apartment and the door is slammed shut, the figure steps into the bright lights of the apartment and I can see him. My father is standing right in front of me and the scream rips past my lips, Kairi stands in front of me almost as if she's trying to block me from the man and his head snaps in our direction.

"YOU!" he screams and his eyes lock with mine, my knees go weak and I feel my stomach lurch at just the sight of his face. He slams Reno against the wall and storms over to me, making the apartment seem a million times smaller then it really is with how fast he crosses the expanse of our living room. Reno though gets up quickly and tackles the man to the floor, they start wrestling for the gun on the carpet and all I can do is stay frozen on the spot.

"Axel, we have to call the police!" Kairi says and turns to pull me with her into one of the bedrooms. The noises in the living room stop suddenly with a shot of the gun and we freeze just listening with baited breath, my heart pounding so hard I can feel it in my throat and we both stare at the door, waiting. Kairi's hand is stopped mid-air over the cordless phone on my dresser while I stand in front of my bed. I feel my muscles twitching in fear and I look at Kairi from the corner of my eye and she quickly looks at me before shooting a look back at the door.

It bursts open and to our despair it isn't Reno who almost ripped the door off its hinges. My mind goes blank for a second because it's not Reno; Reno is in the living room hurt or even worse.

"Por tu culpa, me comí años en la cárcel!"My father screams at me, lifting the gun and aiming straight at my head. I stare at him, wide eyed and simply frozen, rooted to the floor with Kairi on the other side of the room.

I haven't spoken Spanish in years, even if it's what I was taught at home. I forced it out of my mind after everything that had happened that night; I never wanted to know anything about the language ever again though it had nothing to do with anything. It was just a painful reminder and now to have him here, in front of me and screaming at me in that language… My vision swims and I try hard to stand as he clicks the safety off the gun.

"Te voy a dar lo que mereces," he seethes, tongue dripping venom and I hear the blast of the shot, every one of my senses heightened as I tensed myself, ready to feel the pain burning through me as the bullet forces it way into my flesh, muscle and bone but the pain never comes and I'm left there in silence for a few seconds. I open my eyes and look at my father as he looks down, his jaw hanging open and when I stare down I see Kairi at my feet, crumpled in a heap and blood pouring all around her. She turns her head and looks up at me, her eyes filled with pain but something tells me it isn't from the bullet wound.

"I'm…sorry," she says pathetically and she closes her eyes, my heart tears into shreds as I hear her head thump against the carpet. So this was what she was hiding, this was the other thing I saw in her eyes when she told me she was pregnant, when she apologized the first time, she was apologizing for telling him our address.

I stare down at her, and I'm not a horrible person…I can't even hold a grudge for long even less when it's my sister. I feel tears burn my eyes and I lunge forward without even thinking, throwing myself at my father and curling my fingers around his throat as we fall backwards, the gun sliding away from his grasp as his head hits the floor. I tighten my grip on his neck when he moves crazily from under me, trying to push me off, swinging his fists but I just cling on, my nails digging into his flesh as tears burn my eyes. I hear the hallway door burst open and the tiny apartment is filled with police officers in no time, all of them swarming my house like flies, prying me off my father and lifting the man before forcing him against the wall and cuffing him. Reno stumbles into the hallway, holding his shoulder that's bleeding profusely and when I see him I can't help the strangled cry that comes from my lips. I fall to my knees and cradle my head, rocking back and forth trying to force the image of a fallen Kairi out of my head.

She was really sorry, and I was a complete dick about it.

She cared enough about me to throw herself in the way.

"Axel…the police need to talk to you," Reno says and I lift my head, but I don't really see anything. I close my eyes and curl up tighter, I hear the paramedics coming into the house and rush into my room as Reno picks me up off the floor with some difficulty and carries me out into the living room, dropping me onto the loveseat but I turn towards the backrest and press myself against the soft fabric of the sofa.

He came back and tried to fucking kill me.

He fucking shot Kairi.

Our family really was ruined by me and now I can understand why Kairi hated me so much. It was my entire fault that any of this had happened, it was all my fault that he even tried to kill us. I should have known something like this was going to happen though, I mean he was released recently and it was only a matter of time before he would just bounce right back into my life. Go figure it would be when everything was going so well. I feel myself shaking, trembling over and over as the image of Kairi staring at me with those dull eyes burns itself into my brain.

"Axel, please…turn around," I hear Reno's soft voice, I can also hear a paramedic standing behind him, gently telling him he needs to check the man's wound. Reno brushes him off and keeps trying to get me to uncurl myself. I feel anger start bubbling in my stomach for some reason and with every soft poke or tender touch I feel myself getting physically ill. Why is Reno touching me? Can't he see what I've done?

"Get away from me!" I shoot up and scream, I can't really see that well, so I sway a little. I had my eyes shut for so long that now the drastic change from darkness to the bright living room is too much and not enough time to adjust. I push myself off the sofa and past Reno, racing into the kitchen and crash into the counter. I blink furiously and look around for the kitchen drawer where Reno keeps all the kitchen knifes.

I've never really thought about killing myself, but right now nothing seems better then just stabbing a 6 inch blade into my chest. I've always despised people who speak like that though, all their lives they just complain about life and how badly they want to end it. I've complained about life but I've never seriously considered ending it. I mean, I've considered what it would be like to die, I've even fantasized about it but I've never thought about actually taking my own life. What irony, spending years thinking people who commit suicide are idiots and here I am, searching for a knife to fucking kill myself.

My mind clouds over and the only thing I can think about is just fucking ending it all because I can't take this shit any more. I'm never going to be happy, no matter how many damn headboards I burn, no matter how many sessions with Aerith, no matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to be fine.

I haven't been fine since I was fucking 12 years old, what makes now different?

Just because I burnt that stupid, ugly headboard?

That did nothing to hide the scars; it did nothing to stop all this from happening.

"Axel, what are you doing?" Reno asks shakily from the kitchen archway, I hear the paramedic telling him to stay away from me because I'm currently experiencing something Aerith has always told me are panic attacks and I might hurt him, though this feels so much stronger then a panic attack. I pull open the drawer and there they are, glinting in the bright light as I grab one, pulling out the biggest stainless steel blade I can find.

"Now, calm down sir…what are you planning to do?" Now it's the paramedic's voice and I swing around, knife clutched tightly in my fist as I lock eyes with him. My mind lags for a moment because when our eyes meet all I see is Roxas. Roxas is standing in my kitchen?

"Roxas…is that you?" I ask, trying to blink the tears out of my eyes and the blonde standing beside my brother takes a step forward, it's a cautious step and it makes me angry. He thinks I'm going to stab him or something? Does he think I'm crazy? Suddenly the knife becomes heavy and I look down before looking back up. Roxas is right in front of me now, my heart beat is still far too fast, but I don't want to end it all anymore because Roxas is here and it's fine. Roxas is my anchor to reality, when everything gets crazy I'll still have Roxas Anderson to make fun of me and never call me by my first name, I'll still have Roxas and high school hierarchy and nose milk on white lunch tables. I'll still have the things normal teenagers have.

"I'm not Roxas…" the man says and something inside of me snaps because Roxas isn't here to anchor me, I snap because if Roxas isn't here then I have nothing that I'm desperately trying to grasp at, I don't have any more normal high school days, I don't have any more planning with Zexion, I don't have stupid Demyx to make me pass out, I have no lesbian friends, I have absolutely nothing.

I realize that he is way too close to me and I raise my arm, knife pointed right at his chest and he steps back a bit, I take notice of the crowd standing at the kitchen entry.

"Get away from me then," I say and pull my sleeve up, looking down at the thick vein right in the middle. I've memorized the entire saying, the 'down the road not across the street' thing. I want to end up in the morgue after this, not in the hospital being stitched up and given anti-depressants. I want to fucking end up with a toe-tag, bled like a god damned pig.

"Axel don't!" Reno screams, pushing his way past everyone and he stumbles into the kitchen a police officer ready, his hand resting on his gun along with another one. I assume the others are holding my father in the squad car just outside the apartment.

"Why not!" I shout back even if we're a few paces away from each other.

I think back on earlier today and I start laughing, everyone staring at me as I drop to my knees cackling crazily because it's all just too much. I mean, earlier today I was on my bed kissing the guy I've had a crush on since I arrived in this neighborhood and registered myself into that stupid school, the tiny blonde that's kept me sane these past months, earlier this fucking week I was at school enjoying the life of a normal teenager and my past was where it was supposed to be. Why did everything have to catch up with me, why now? I look up from where I'm kneeling and I see Reno, his eyes glassy just like they were in the hospital and I shake my head at him.

"I'll never be normal, I'm always going to be a freak," I say and Reno shakes his head furiously, trying like a mad man to keep his tears inside his eye sockets.

"That's not true Ax! Look at how well you've been doing, you got a boyfriend, your grades are up, you have friends, you've stopped turning to chocolate milk for comfort because you are getting better!" Reno shouts and I stare up at him, I cannot believe he actually picked up on that.

I used to drink chocolate milk when I was smaller, my mother would make it for me every night and I'd be able to sleep peacefully after that but when she was taken away no one made it for me anymore. I started drinking chocolate milk from the box, I'd buy them at the corner store where my Aunt lived, I drank milk all day, praying and hoping it would help me sleep.

"I'm done!" I scream, because I am. Chocolate milk isn't going to help me; nothing is going to fucking help me any more.

I'm suddenly tackled to the floor, I hear the knife sliding across the tiles and when I look up I see the blonde paramedic over me and I just lay there limp. I think he thought I was going to struggle because he looks shocked but I know what happens when you struggle and I'm not really in the mood to do anything now that he's taken the knife from me.

"You look like…Roxas…Roxas fucking Anderson," I whisper quietly, the vision of Roxas slowly calming me down and he scrunches his eyebrows together, a deep frown is where his mouth is supposed to be and he looks so much like Roxas it makes my heart ache. I'm just so tired now.

"We're related," He says quietly and gets off me, lifting me up and leading me out of the kitchen, the police following me as I'm lead somewhere, I simply follow because I have no knife, no gun, nothing. I'll let them take me wherever because I just don't care anymore. I look around, not really recognizing anything as my own and it feels like I'm walking through fog, thick and hard to breathe fog.

I finally notice where he's taking me, and it's towards the back of his ambulance. I stop and turn around, looking at him as he tries to gently push me towards the open doors. "No! You aren't taking me back," I shout, very terrified of being locked up again for months and having to suffer all alone with no one around me.

"You have to come with us to the hospital, okay?" he says talking to me like I'm some bloody infant who won't understand shit, but I'm not a child, I'm almost a grown fucking man.

"No, I don't! I want to stay here," I say, clawing at the air as I'm restrained and forced into the ambulance, there are now three paramedics strapping me to the gurney as I kick my legs furiously and scream out for Reno, telling him to help me because I'm scared and I'm not crazy.

"Axel…please calm down," Reno says from the bottom of the ambulance steps, the other paramedics leaving once I'm secured and Reno stares into the space, I can only see the top of his head because I'm strapped down so tightly.

"Reno…Reno, please don't let them take me! I won't try and hurt myself, please; I don't want to be strapped down, not again!" I say and I struggle, trying to pull my arms free but the leather is a lot sturdier then it looks.

"You have to be, I'll see you at the hospital," Reno says and they go to shut the doors but my shout stops them.

"Reno! Can you please…Call Roxas," I whimper and he finally lets the tears go as they close the ambulance doors, I catch his nod before they are fully sealed shut probably being taken to his own ambulance and the Roxas-Look-A-Like sits down at my side and checks my pulse.

"Can you tell me your name? I need it for these forms," the paramedic says and I just sigh, telling him my name and spelling it out when he asks me too. After that he just asks my address and my house phone number.

"You're a lot calmer, usually people are still kicking and screaming," he says quietly, almost to himself and I nod my head. All my bite is gone and I'm left laying here like I usually am, worn out. This happens way too much, I need to learn to grasp onto an emotion for longer than a few minutes.

I stare up at the car's ceiling, thinking about how many times I've seen the hospital's insides and how sick and tired I am of always ending up strapped to a bed. The thought of killing myself is gone just as quickly as it had come and now I'm left there feeling drained, emotionally and physically. I turn my head and face Roxas Junior…or well, Senior since he's older.

"Do you know what happened with my sister?" I ask and he looks up from his papers and things, focusing on me with his eyes that are almost as blue as Roxas'. My heart twists at the sight and I realize that if I were to die, I'd never see those eyes again and that is something I don't want. It's weird how I know that I can look at Roxas' blue eyes and never get sick of them, I'm not sure if that's love though.

"She's in another ambulance, we'll find out more at the hospital,"

"What about my dad?" I ask quietly, my heart starting up a frantic beat and he tells me to calm down before he answers.

"He's the one they arrested right?" he asks and I nod my head, I hear him shift on his seat before he finally answers. "I think they are taking him to jail, from what Leon said the man was just let out of prison and he was on probation," he says and I raise an eyebrow but realize he can't see it.

"Who's Leon?" I ask and he chuckles at his own mistake.

"He's the officer who pried you off your father; I got to talk to him in the kitchen doorway,"

"Uhm…can I ask you something?"

"Alright shoot," he says and looks at me, I turn my head a little and stare right into his eyes, feeling completely submerged in all the blue.

"Am I really a freak?" I ask and my voice shakes, I don't know why I'm asking him if he doesn't even know me, but for some reason I just need to ask. He looks at me for awhile and the entire time I'm staring right at him, looking into his eyes and watching him. His eyes stay the same, there isn't a shift as if he's trying to hide something, they just stay blue the entire time.

"No, you're just a good kid going through some really bad shit," he says and places a hand on my shoulder, his calloused fingers squeeze tightly and it hurts but I don't want to ruin the moment, I just smile, the familiar prickle of tears behind my eyes so I just close them and lay there silently until something hits me.

"How do you know I'm a good kid? What if I'm a delinquent who's wreaking havoc?" I ask and maybe I am crazy. What else would explain my behavior? One minute I'm going ape shit the next, I'm laying here shooting the breeze with a paramedic. It hurts my head more the just a little bit when I think about my odd actions, but then I remember my firecracker theory and I'm guessing it's like that for the better half of my emotions. A big, explosive bang then the fizzle and dying out stage.

"From what Roxas has told me, you don't wreak much havoc," he says and I can hear the smirk in his voice, I widen my eyes and he just chuckles, "Roxas has talked to me about you, don't worry…they were all good things," he says as the ambulance stops and he gets up, opening the doors and tugging me out. It's really dark out when he wheels me into the hospital, his partner by his side as they sign me in with the nurse. I groan in annoyance after trying and failing to get them to release me from the straps.

Apparently I'm a danger to myself and others without them.

I'm going to become a danger if they don't unstrap me and tell me where Reno and Kairi are.

I groan louder, causing the paramedic to shoot me an annoyed glance that looks an awful lot like Roxas' and I smile a little before tossing my head back onto the too thin pillow and just laying there waiting it out.

Getting back to school on Monday is going to feel surreal but for once, I'm looking forward to it more then anything else. I want to see Zexion, Demyx, Naminé and Larxene…I even want to see Silver Haired Douche Bag, because fuck, they are part of a life that I want, they are a part of the good things I've searched so long for.

Let's just hope they let me out in time.

A/N: BUAHAHAHA

-runs off into the night-