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Holiday Spirit

Chapter 24

"Is she asleep again?"

David's voice startled Regina out of her thoughts and she gently pulled her hand away from her daughter's face.

"Yes. You were gone awhile." She reached her arms out and David transferred Ben over to her.

"I stopped to talk to Henry."

"How did that go?" she asked carefully, looking up to meet his eyes.

"He's hurting, but he's going to be okay. I told him you'd go up and talk to him in a little while."

"What did he say to that?" She glanced down at Benjamin, trying to distract herself with the way he moved his head around, taking in the world around him with large, innocent eyes. She wished she hadn't let her emotions overwhelm her the way they had. She was already regretting the display she'd made.

"He's looking forward to talking to you," David assured her. "He's pretty tough. And he's incredibly bright and intuitive."

Regina looked up to find David watching her with a considering look.

"He also told me what he said that upset you."

"Oh." Regina swallowed. Her voice wavered a little when she asked, "And?"

He cleared his throat. "And I think this is a conversation I should move Izzy up to her room for."

She nodded and stood up, taking a step back as he moved forward and scooped Isabella up and cradled her against his chest. Regina followed him up to the girl's room, watching as he pulled the covers back and carefully laid their daughter in her bed. Leaning against the door frame with Ben on her hip, she felt a mix of warmth and turmoil at the sight of him kissing her forehead and stroking her hair, just as he'd smoothed her hair earlier. The action was so full of gentleness and love, and she bit the inside of her lip as she lowered her eyes to the ground.

"Ready?" he asked, joining her at the door.

She sighed uneasily. "Not exactly, but I suppose there's no point in putting it off."

He led her to the master bedroom, guiding her with a light hand on her back. This time, with Ben in her arms, she didn't move away from the contact. He shut the door quietly behind them and took a seat on the bed, leaving plenty of room for her to sit beside him.

"I don't even know where to begin," David started, looking at her awkwardly.

"We can't keep pretending that we're just a normal family," she said. "It's been...it's been so wonderful, but I know that I, at least, have been in denial about just how soon all of this would end. And we have to be there for them, but in order to do that, we have to be there for each other, too, so we can't keep avoiding things. We have to start talking about it, because I'm going to lose my mind. And I don't want to – I'm not looking forward to these conversations, but we have to have them."

"I know, and I agree," he told her. "We have to talk about what we're going to do once all of this is over."

She closed her eyes at the words, keeping back more tears as she nodded. Taking a deep breath, she opened them again. "Can you start?"

He blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what do you want to have happen? Since this all started, everything's different, and the things that I want in life are changing, and everything's such a mess, I just...I think I'll be sorting it all out for a long time to come, but for now, maybe you could just go first."

The truth was, she knew exactly what she wanted. She had for a little while now, but she was terrified of it, and she didn't know if it was because of who it was, or because he might not want the same thing. The only thing she knew for sure right now was that she wasn't going to say anything to him at all until she knew how he felt. She couldn't put herself out there like that. Vulnerability wasn't something she was willing to display again, especially after her earlier breakdown.

"Are we being one hundred percent honest with each other right now?" he asked. "Nothing gets held back? No one's punished for saying how they really feel?"

She swallowed the sudden lump in her throat and nodded. "We're being completely honest."

"We haven't seen eye to eye in the past, and there's a lot of bad history between us," he started. "You spent your time trying to kill Snow and separate us, and I spent a lot of mine wanting to kill you. And that discord has calmed down since we've been here in Storybrooke. For the most part."

She swallowed and nodded her agreement.

"We're not supposed to like each other, but…" he cleared his throat and looked at her straight on. "I do. And I'm hoping by your recent actions that I'm not alone in those feelings?"

It was only because he was watching her so intently that he saw her barely perceptible nod.

"And if I'm being completely, one hundred percent honest…" he continued, "I want to try for something more between us. And when the spell ends…I want there to be a chance we can have this. Maybe not exactly this," he said sadly. "But something close? Something similar?"

She swallowed heavily. It was what she wanted to hear – and what she didn't think she would. And maybe it was for that reason that she suddenly found herself shaking her head no even though a voice inside her was screaming for her to take this opportunity. One hundred percent honesty suddenly seemed far too scary, and she leaned back from him even though they weren't close.

"No," she said. And after that was out, she could feel the lies bubbling to the surface the way they always did when she felt vulnerable; when her heart needed protection. "We can't have that. Since this all happened, it's been so different…but it will change when it ends. The town doesn't want us together, your wife won't accept it, nor will your daughter, and I certainly can't." She swallowed. "I know now that I want a family – more children, but this… whatever the spell created between us…that can never happen. I've enjoyed this, David, but I think what it's taught me is that I'm supposed to leave Storybrooke."

"What?" He was caught off guard by her statement. "What do you mean leave? You can't…" He floundered at the sudden spinning feeling in his head. He'd been honest with her and put himself out there in a terrifying way; admitting his feelings for her despite the turmoil caused by having feelings for anyone other than Snow, and he was being rejected.

She laughed. "You can't seriously believe it would ever work between us?" She felt the stabbing pain of her words as they fell from her lips and as she watched David's face fall, but she couldn't stop them from coming. "You and Snow leaving each other? Your mother's necklace suddenly reappearing after years of being missing? It's all a part of this spell, trying to make us think this is a possibility. But it's not reality, David. Reality is that this will end, you'll go back to Snow, that mystery man from the other side of the line will be forgotten, and the only chance I'll ever have of starting a bigger family will be away from the people who know me as the Evil Queen."

"What about Henry?"

"Henry's crossed the line before, there's no reason he can't continue to do so."

He watched her for a few moments. "What if I don't want you to go?"

"Don't be ridiculous, David," she scolded, but he saw the flash of pain in her eyes, and it was enough for him to understand what she was doing.

"What happened to not being punished for speaking the truth?" he asked.

"I'm not punishing you, I'm just telling you my truth."

He shook his head. "That's not how you really feel."

"Don't presume to know how I feel!" she snarled, raising her voice. Ben's body jolted in her arms and he whimpered. She pulled him up against her chest, looking guilty as she rubbed circles on his back and murmured softly to him, attempting to calm him before the whimpers turned into wails.

"Regina," David said tiredly. "I've come to care for you quite a lot – something that's not easy for me to admit. I don't want to just dismiss this, but if you truly feel nothing for me in return, I will leave you alone. Once the spell ends, you can do whatever you want – I won't be in your way."

Her mask slipped slightly. "My mother always taught me that love was weakness," she told him. "But I found that wasn't always true – especially with Henry. It can be just as much a strength as a weakness. But I am too weak for it. You are good, David," she said, trying not to lie anymore, "but I've found that being alone is easier. When you're alone, you can count on what's going to happen. Part of what's been so hard about this is—" Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "When you grow close to someone, you realize how lonely you've been and how much better you feel when you're with them. But then they have power over you, and the second they do something to hurt you, all you want is to go back to being alone. Except you can't. Once you let them in, you can't ever go back to being alone without it hurting even worse. I can't…I can't give someone that power. You'll just leave, or I'll lose my temper, or something else will happen. Villains aren't meant to have happy endings. That's not how the story ever ends. All of this is fake and when it ends, we should just…we should just leave it."

"You don't really believe—"

"David," she pleaded. "Please, let's just…get it over with. It's going to be hard enough as it is."

"Fine."

"I should go talk to Henry," she said. "Can you take him?"

He nodded and reached for Ben, taking over comforting the infant, who still was looking on the verge of tears.

"I know how you feel, buddy," he said quietly once Regina was gone. "I'm right there with you."

He found Regina with her glasses on again that night, deeply engrossed in a book when he emerged with his pajamas on. He pulled up the edge of the covers and slipped in next to her, turning to watch as her eyes scanned the page quickly through the black frames. Fight or not, he couldn't stop the way the sight of her in those glasses made him feel. He wanted nothing more than to lean over and kiss her, and he felt heat rush through him at the thought.

"Stop."

He jumped at the sound of her voice, but she didn't look over.

"What?"

"You think I can't feel you watching me?"

"I'm sorry…I didn't—" He stopped himself, knowing discussion was pointless. "Goodnight, Regina," he said instead, sinking down and turning on his side to face away from her.

She didn't say anything in return, but he didn't fail to notice that there was no sound of a page turning again after that.