Now see, one of the best things about Eren is that he doesn't do that small talk shit at the beginning of text messages, what with their "hi wuu2" (although Levi wouldn't really mind it if he got them from Eren, since he'd be talking to him either way) but what's REALLY awesome is that apparently their relationship, their personalities, or WHATEVER it is they have (or don't, Levi's still pessimistic after all) means that Eren will text him:
Eren: venus flytrps r carnivorus, fact frm armin the smrt min
Sometimes they pop up when he's bored at work, and he gets to reply with something witty and one liner-ish like:
Levi: They'll eat your soul
Eren: while ur still CONSCIOUS AIEEEEEEEE
Whoever invented texting was a good person. It's less intimidating than attempting to phone Eren, and a lot quicker too. Plus, Eren helps him in times of need during situations that can only be handled over text:
Levi: If a customer throws a bag of loose peanuts at me after I ask them for the PLU code for them can I kill that person
Eren: No u hav to wait fr me so we can kill em tohgetehr.
Levi: When will you arrive
Eren: Mebbe next yr or so
Levi: But they need to die NOW
Eren: Mikasa says shell do it fr u
Levi: Peanut Shithead ran away
Eren: Bc ur a scary mexican whos daddio is in th militry
Levi: That's sexist!
Eren: and...
Levi: Also Satanist
Eren: Mikasa knws the rap to prince of bel air she's more of a boy thn i am
Okay so maybe not always entirely useful but it's entertaining during long shifts, nonetheless.
As it's been said before: Levi's middle name is Procrastination. So naturally he's waited until the night before when he's been unable to sleep for the last two nights due to the heat, sitting in boredom due to Bert-less nights in an empty flat and drenched with insomnia, to actually do the ten pages of script that Eren's asked him to do.
Levi: How do I write a script
Eren: You take a pen or pencil and write elvish words on a slice of dead tree
Levi: I have words but they don't work together
Eren: Mix and match four words from a dictionary and tell me what you come up with
Levi: Why is your texting suddenly perfectly spelled
Eren: You know who your true friends are once you've texted them. If they scold you for misspelling then they're probably Albeist. You passed the friendship test, congrats
Levi: Oh. Thank you
Eren: still need that script /friend/
Levi: mix matched words: handle cable bag adjournment
Eren: nice nice now stick some conjunctions and verbs in there so it sounds like a sentence
Levi: handle and cable is bag adjournment
Eren: keep trying, rearrange them maybe
Levi: handle the cable so the bag can have it's adjournment
Cable bag is the adjournment of handle
Adjournment cable is handle bag
Eren: the last one sounds like a scandalous headline
Levi: This is… Not working
Eren: what's not working
Levi: life
Eren: and there we have it: a pessimistic journalist who's life isn't working out the way they planned
Levi: alright…
Eren: what prop could change their life for the better?
Levi: um… A pen?
Eren: magic pen!
Levi: magic pen that makes their life even worse
Eren: then the pen starts writing plays and bam! they discover that their real passion is film!
Levi: this isn't supposed to be a self insert
Eren: are you sure
Levi: pretty positive yeah
Eren: it could be though
Levi: no
Eren: but if you wrote it then it wouldn't be a self insert, it would be you basing a character on me. And everyone wants me as their protagonist
Levi: i think they'd prefer me
Eren: no
Levi: yes. Im changing it; protagonist is me
Eren: noooo all of my fame and glory… Gone…
Levi: you're hardly famous
Eren: I have vines. They get lots of reloops and likes.
Levi: thats nice. Go back to your vineyard and make yourself some pity wine
Eren: vines are videos
Levi: …?
Eren: i shall spam you with some
Levi: my phone is ancient and doesn't let me see videos
Eren: then do you have facebook?
Levi: yes, but i barely use it and I haven't got internet here at swansea
Eren: ah yes i once felt your pain. Very well then: i'll transcript it for you. You ready levy?
Levi: That's not how you spell my name Erin
Eren: g2f
Levi: You can't make me
Eren: ok ok: here goes. A gorgeous man close up on the screen. He says: "highschool be like: teachers screaming at little shits" Then beautiful man changes into shirt and glasses, camera view is in toilet with TINY LITTLE POOPS THAT FUCKING HIGHSCHOOLERS HAVE LEFT IN ORDER TO MARK THEIR FUCKING TERRITORY AND I HAVE TO CLEAN UP BC THATS MY FUCKING JOB and man screams "AAAHHHHHH, GRAHAM SEE ME IN DETENTION"
I planned on going to film school Levi MY DREAMS ARE NO MORE THAN SHITS IN THE TOILET, YOU FEEL?
Levi has to take a few moments to stuff his face in his pillow and laugh horribly.
Levi: oh my fucking god that's my worst nightmare
Eren: I'm currently living in it, fml. I'm planning on getting another job soon tho
Levi: Should work at Poundsaver
Eren: I see enough of your ugly face as it is.
Nah IM KIDDING IM KIDDING I LOVE YOU IM SORRY
Levi: I love me too
Eren: i s2g tho all my friends love you it's not fair, they keep asking if you're going to come over on wed
Levi: I have that effect on people i guess. Maybe it's because i don't film shit in my spare time
Eren: SHUT UP
Levi: No you shut up
Eren: I will erradicate you
Levi: just know that if you ever get into a situation with an italian I'm not going to be at your funeral
Eren: do yoiu have some kind of quarrel qith italians?
Levi: you texted me when you were drunk a few nights ago telling there was an italian mafia member chasing you
Eren: grade a for the sharp memory
Levi: Oh i'll remember this conversation don't you worry
Eren: your tone is dark ;)
Levi: so is your future
Eren: Your words wound me, I'll get my pen and write a sad love song. "There was once a man, he told me I filmed shit and he shunned meeeee~"
Levi: go away taylor swift.
Eren: Actually we should go to bed it's 1am. We've got shit to do tomorrow. Better have your script with you, you crayon
Levi: I have insomnia so I can't sleep. Also why are you using crayon as an insult
Eren: I use PG insulting nicknames otherwise armin cries. One time, Jean shaved his hair into a buzzcut as a rebbelios act and he got stuck with the nickname Shaun the Sheep. Call him that and see what he does
Levi: will do.
Eren: You were rather poetic earlier... I was quite impressed
Levi: you were the one writing sad love songs
Eren: i have a pen with lots of ink in it
Levi: you'll need more than one
Eren: our love story isn't quite so tragic enough for two pens
Levi: yours and julio's is the sequel
Eren: no ours is a 30 minute porno with lots of testosterone
Levi: ...right. Who's all going tomorrow?
Eren: a list of names i shant mention. My pen doesn't have quite enough ink for that
Levi: what's this pen you keep speaking of?
Eren: I have a very close relationship with harry potter
Levi: if you say so... Not sure what you're referencing
Eren: I ask myself the same question
Levi: are you high or drunk
Eren: I'm Eren Jaeger. Going by my gramathical perfection can yo not tell i am infact under the influence of nothing
Levi: you're high on life
Eren: OOH we should go to findhorn, show you what it REALLY looks like when you're high on life. Last time eld, my old room mate dragged me there, and oh my god it was the most awkward night of my life
Levi: what happened
Eren: ok, so Eld had moved out, so i go over to his after getting the bus and we end up in a taxi. Now at this point in my life, i'm pretty shy, so he's going about making small talk while i sit in the back all quiet and kinda glaring at his back bc he's ignoring me. We get there, and he suddenly turns into a five year old bc OH PRETTY LIGHTS and we find the source, and people are dancing and generally looking... Really high
Levi: were they?
Eren: not at all, they were just really weird hippie, vegan people. So Eld's having a good time, dancing and whatever, and I'm... Shuffling a bit, my version of dancing, and it was so AWKWARD and just agghhjbwiuvffiq. It was weirdly sensual dancing everyone was doing, but i just couldn't keep up and had to close my eyes for most part
Levi: then what?
Eren: after a few hours of embarrassment later, we're one of the last to leave bc this one guy insists on chatting to Eld about Blackpool or some shit, and... Well. I had a crush on him at the time so I try to go to the beach with him, but then we get lost in the middle of the forest, IN THE DARK. Eventually we start walking to the nearest town. Thats when eld goes into a bar and somehow manages to get us a lift home
Levi: you didn't go inside with him?
Eren: i was 16 at the time, illegal and shit
Levi: from what i've heard you've done much more illegal things...
Eren: ANYWAY, we get a lift from this random guy, and Eld tells him, "Oh, Sam (my fake name for that night) is irish" and since i've already spoken, the guy looks at me and he's like "... You don't sound irish" and i tell him i lost the accent after a few years. THEN he asks what city i came from NAD SINCE I DUNNO GEOGRAPHY and i have no idea what cities are irish, i avoid looking at him and tell him "I... I don't want to tell you" and i looked like THE BIGGEST FUCKING DICK BC I DONT KNOW GEOGRAPHY.
Levi: oh my god
Eren: at least it isn't as awkward as the time you had to strip tease for your uncle.
Levi: DON'T REMIND ME
Eren: OMG you even said you had a fake name annie that night! How didn't i guess you were cross dressing the other week? Fml
Levi: yeah... We should go to bed now
Eren: D: thought you said you can't sleep
Levi: ok then YOU should go to bed. I'll lay down in my dark room and contemplate everything i've ever done
Eren: Goof plan.
Sorry GOOD plan. Night levy
Levi: -_- night erin
Eren: go fuck yourself
Levi: that's a good idea... Should entertain me for a while
Eren: LEVI TMI
Levi: YOU SUGGESTED IT
Eren: ok I will leave you to your wanking, gnight
Levi: im not actually wanking
Eren: your loss
Levi: it is. Ok night, don't let the teachers in the janitor closet bite~
Eren: I will kill you until you're dead. night.
And well, if Levi takes inspiration from that conversation... by writing it all out with a few tweaks here and there... And suddenly has a script... It's technically NOT copyright. Right? Should be interesting to show Eren tomorrow.
"I never considered the possibility that our midnight chats would be quite so... odd"