And I try so hard and… I'm never the one.

January 2017.

"You live your life, you heal, and in the meantime, we're friends" Stefan said.

Caroline looked at him with a slight smile.

"Sounds like a plan" she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"It is" he reaffirmed.
"But you kissed me yesterday" she said with raised eyebrows.
"And you kissed me back" Stefan counter-attacked, mimicking the expression of her face. She rolled her eyes, smiled, and shook her head.

Stefan smiled too, watching her in awe, and then reached her hand, took it, and led it directly to his lips. He kissed her knuckles, staring into her eyes, and Caroline thought that if she had been human, her heart would have stopped at that moment.

"Friends" he repeated. "Until you're ready. And when you are, I'll still be here."

Caroline shut her eyes tightly, curling up under the sheets and burying her face in the pillow, feeling how that sensation was overwhelming her again as if it was poison running through her veins, suffocating her.

"It's okay, it's okay" she whispered, hugging herself and almost completely covering her body.

I'll still be here…

Caroline shook her head without opening her eyes.

"You lied" she whispered, feeling a knot in her throat.

She hid her head under the sheets and everything went dark. All she heard was her own breathing. Suddenly, she heard a thunder and Caroline flinched at the roar of the clouds. Drops began to fall slowly at first but then the rain fell heavily as the wind made the tree branches hit the glass of the windows.

Caroline blenched even more, wrapping herself with her arms, and imagining that those arms were his, as every time that he used to hug her when there was a storm. Any kind of storm.

February 2017.

"And… That's pretty much it" Caroline said, shrugging.

She was sitting on a large stone in the cemetery, facing Liz's gravestone.

"Damon is still an idiot, he calls me once a week, but at least he doesn't show up in the house every two days as he used to" she murmured, squinting her eyes due to the bright light of the sun. "Bonnie and Enzo are still there… thinking that everything will be okay just because they're in love" she snorted scornfully. "And I…"

She was silent for a few seconds that seemed an eternity. It was sad, but she had nothing to say about herself. Her days consisted of sleeping, getting up, going to the office of the newspaper that she was working for, seeing Matt at the police station, and going home.

"Everything goes as it should, I guess" she mumbled, staring at Liz's name engraved on stone. "I miss you."

She frowned and looked away to the crypt where Elena was resting, and then looked down at her hands, watching her daylight ring. She touched the little blue stone with her fingertips thoughtfully, and wondered how much it would hurt, if it would be quick, or if…

She looked up quickly when she saw a shadow slipping fast through the trees . That speed was not typical for any human.

"Damon, if that's you and…"

The moving shadow caused a gust of wind, but this time behind her. Maybe she was imagining it. Or maybe peace had not lasted long after the departure of the heretics and a new danger threatened them.

She rose and walked among the trees, looking around carefully so that she would not miss anything. She pushed the branch of a tree away and then bumped into a girl, who got startled and put a hand against her chest after letting out a scream.

"Oh my God! You scared me" she said, gasping for breath.
"What are you doing here alone?" Caroline asked her, examining her with her eyes. She would be about 16, and she was wearing glasses, and had a backpack hanging on her shoulder and a book in hand.
"Oh, it's because of the gymkhana of high school" she explained. "It's about…"

But Caroline knew what it was. She also participated when she was in high school, and she used to organize it the last three years. The girl, apparently very talkative by the way, went on to explain in detail what it was but her voice became a whisper to her, a whisper to which she was not paying much attention. Her attention, however, was focused on the book that she had in her hand. The title? Norwegian Blues. One of his books.

"Are you reading that again?" Caroline asked, looking at him with only one eye open. She had just woken up and Stefan had Norwegian Blues back in his hands.
"Mm, no?" Stefan asked quizzically, and turned a page. Caroline leaned on her elbow and stared at him. She liked watching him read.
"What does it have for you to have read it so many times?" she asked. Stefan shrugged.
"I don't know… The narrative is good, and there are so many quotes to highlight" he explained.
"Well, then…" Caroline dropped her head on the pillow and placed a hand on his wrist. "Read me one that reminds you of me" she said with a wide smile.

Stefan looked away from the book to look at her and realized that that smile could light up the whole world if she wanted to. Always positive, cheerful. Always Caroline.

"Um, okay, let me see…" Stefan frowned as he looked among letters and paragraphs until he found a sentence. "'I want you always to remember me. Will you remember that I existed, and that I stood next to you here like this?'."
"Stefan, I said one that reminds you of me, not the other way round!" she folded her arms.
"This one reminds me of you, Caroline" Stefan put the book on the bed to unfold her arms. "Because if you don't remember me, then what am I?"

She looked into his eyes and Stefan smiled sweetly, bringing his face close to hers until he brushed her lips. Caroline put her hand on his neck and her lips parted with a sigh. Stefan, the eternal romantic.

"So" he said after breaking the kiss. "Will you remember me or not?"
"I doubt I'd be able to forget you" she said with another sigh, staring at his deep green eyes.

Those words terrified and, at the same time, excited her. She could not imagine her life without him.

And yet, she had to. Because he was not there with her anymore.

"What you got there?" she asked, pointing at the book and staring at it.
"Oh, this? Norwegian Blues, I always carry it with me. It's a very good book and…"

Caroline clenched her fists slowly, looking at the cover, remembering the book on Stefan's nightstand, or on his bed, or on his shelf. Remembering the month in which he gave it to her after highlighting the quotes that reminded him of her.

A strange rage began to consume her, and overwhelm her. Because it was as if, from wherever he was, he was laughing at her. At their moments. At their laughs. At every promise.

She looked up and noticed the pulsing vein in the neck of the teenager who could not stop talking. She listened intently to her pulse, to her heartbeat, so calm as if nothing could ever happen to her, as if she did not have in front of her a predator that could rip her neck in the blink of an eye.

She started to feel thirsty, to notice the feeling of wanting to shut it down, to cover the pain with bloodlust. She did not realize when she stepped to the girl, she just did it, and judging by her face of fear, Caroline's eyes should have darkened.

"What…? What's wrong with your face?" the girl asked with fear in her eyes.

Caroline grabbed her shoulders and looked into her eyes.

"Do not move" she whispered.

The girl stood still and Caroline felt how her own veins were shouting, urging her to bite. Only once, just to erase the pain, to cover it for a few seconds. She licked her lip and approached her neck slowly, closing her eyes. But suddenly she remembered the remorse, the guilt, the deaths, Liz.

She threw her head back and opened her eyes wide, breathing hard.

"Go away" she said quickly.

The girl stepped backwards and then started to run. Caroline could only hear how her heartbeats were faster and faster at every step.

"Don't do it, don't do it" she murmured to herself. But then, helplessly, her feet moved quickly towards the girl, who looked back, terrified, watching Caroline approach.

Just let go, I promise it'll feel good.

"Shut up" she said.

Caroline clung to a tree.

"Run!" she said to the girl.

The girl picked up the speed and this time did not look back. Caroline dropped slowly to the ground, her back against a tree. She pulled out the phone with shaking hands and looked for Bonnie's number. But when she saw the picture of her friend on the screen, she instantly regretted it. What would the brunnete say about her? What would she say about her almost-slip after all the damage that she had caused a couple of years ago when she had turned her humanity off?

She scrolled down in the contact list until she found him. She put the phone against her ear, still shaking and about to start crying.

"Damon, I need, help."

March 2017.

Caroline looked at the inside of the box with nostalgia. She was packing so many happy memories and moments that she wondered if she would have any one left after that.

Her first idea was to leave, but Bonnie and, surprisingly, Damon, had refused flatly. Her friend had repeated a thousand times that she could not leave her there, that she would miss her. But deep down, Caroline knew that, in fact, Bonnie did not want to lose her tracks.

"And we don't know all the dangers that may be around. And, let's be honest, blondie, considering your change of mood and your character, you'd attract all the problems."
"I can take care of myself" she said.
"Caroline, this is your home" Bonnie reminded her.

Was it? That was one of the things that they did not understand. Liz and Stefan were gone. She could not call Mystic Falls home anymore.

However, Bonnie kept insisting and insisting nonstop, until she persuaded her to stay. But Caroline knew that she needed help. It was something that, after months of denial, she had already begun to accept. And if she wanted to come out of that hole, she had to start doing something.

And that something was getting rid of everything that reminded her of him. Because there was not any vampire who could make her forget him as Alaric did with Elena. And, actually, she did not know if she wanted to do that. She had got used to the pain so much that, in part, she did not want to get rid of it completely. Stefan was gone, and the pain had occupied the space that he had left.

But she knew that she had to, at least, pretend in front of the others. She was tired of the furtive glances from Damon or of the worried ones from Bonnie. She knew what they thought of her. She knew that they thought that she was losing her mind. And the truth is that perhaps they were right.

She grabbed the helmet that Stefan had bought for her and stared at it for a moment, thinking about the few times that she had actually put it on.

"It's not my birthday" Caroline said with the gift in her hands.
"Can't a guy give a friend a gift even if it's not their birthday?" Stefan asked.

She looked up from the gift to look at him, containing the urge to roll her eyes and to smile. Stefan repeated the word 'friend' and 'friendship' so many times that she was sure that if he did so, it was because he had to remind himself that he had to keep control.

Although she should remember that as well, because she could not stop thinking about how good he looked with that white t-shirt and those tight jeans.

"I don't know, Stefan, the truth is that I'm scared of opening your gifts after Secret Santa" she mockingly said. Stefan narrowed his eyes, watching her. She bit the inside of her cheek and shrugged, trying not to laugh.
"Open it and shut up" he said.

Caroline unwrapped the gift and opened the box to take a bike helmet.

"Mm, thanks?" she said, a little confused. "But I don't drive any bike."
"But I do. I came with it. I was wondering if… you wanted to have a ride, with me."

Caroline looked at him and could feel his nervousness. Adorable. She bit her lip, smiling, and looked at the helmet.

"But, where's yours? Or you don't want to mess your hair after hours and hours of doing it?" she asked innocently. Stefan looked at her with narrowed eyes again and stepped toward her.
"Stop" he touched her stomach with his finger, tickling her "being…"
"Stefan!" Caroline said, trying to pull him away. But it was impossible, and her back hit the wall.
"… so annoying and put the damn helmet on, Caroline."

She pushed her hand away, laughing, and when she looked into his eyes, she realized how close he was. Dangerously close.

"So…" Stefan tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and Caroline swallowed. "Are you coming?"

She nodded. Because she would never say no to him.

She grabbed an edge of the box hard and closed her eyes, remembering the feel of the wind messing with her hair as she wrapped his waist with her arms; remembering how, after the ride, he showed her each one of the levers, placing his hands on hers, furtively looking into her eyes.

She felt that empty feeling in the stomach and wondered if it was possible for a vampire to die of sadness. She looked over her shoulder briefly and saw that Damon was watching her carefully. She looked forward and stopped grabbing the box, swallowing, and ready to pretend a good appearance.

She put the helmet inside of the box and blinked several times to contain the tears.

"Caroline, uh…" Bonnie approached her with a frame that had a photo of Stefan and Caroline newly awakened, smiling. Damon turned to the other shelf to let them have a private moment. "What should I do with this?"

She grabbed the picture and looked at it with such expression on her face that Bonnie feared that she would break down right there as she did in his bedroom some months ago. She looked at her friend cautiously, waiting for a reaction.

"I'll take care of it" she said with weak voice. Bonnie nodded and Caroline left the frame in the box. "I'll bring more boxes."

Which actually meant 'I need some air'. Bonnie followed Caroline with her eyes as she left the room. She walked towards Damon and sighed.

"I guess it's for the best" she said. Damon looked at one picture of Stefan that Caroline had on one of her shelfs.
"I'm not so sure" he mumbled.
"You said that it was better for her to move on and accept it, remember?" Bonnie rolled her eyes. Damon frowned and glanced at the boxes.
"I know what I said, but…"

Bonnie raised her eyebrows, looking at him with a questioning face. She folded her arms.

"But what, Damon?"
"I guess that I got used to their annoying cuteness" he finally said.

Damon put Stefan's picture in the box and looked at the one with him and Caroline smiling.

"I'll make something to eat. You want something?" Bonnie asked, heading to the door. Damon shook his head.

He simply looked at the photograph.

Caroline heard his footsteps behind her. He sat beside her on the porch and handed her the bottle of bourbon.

"You should hide your bourbon better" he said. Caroline took the bottle and took a sip.
"Yes, I should."

They stood in silence, watching the citizens of Mystic Falls walking, cycling, chatting with smiles on their faces as if nothing was wrong. Caroline did not want to be selfish, but she wanted for them to understand that it was not so easy, and that happiness could collapse in the blink of an eye.

"Caroline?"
"Hm?"
"Do you hate him?"

She stared at the bottle of bourbon intently.

Caroline opened her eyes at hearing the pounding on the door. She blinked several times and groaned in protest. What time was it? She looked at the screen of her phone: 8.30am.

She put on her sneakers and looked around, seeing the mess. Not only in the room, but also on her face.

She had been crying all night after the last fight with Stefan, no more than 10 hours ago. The fights had become usual, and they were the result of her attempts to help him and understand what was happening.

He had been distant for several days, and she could not understand why. Every time she tried to ask him, he changed the subject and got serious.

She walked towards the door, rubbing her eyes. She felt them red and her eyelids heavy. And the worst? She was wearing one his sweatshirts. Could she be more pathetic? Could it get worse?

When she opened the door, she was surprised to see him standing there. Stefan looked askance at his sweatshirt and finally their eyes met. Caroline swallowed, wondering why the hell she had not asked who it was before opening the door. Stefan was watching the worst of her states. And she would have been sure that he would be the one to hold her and comfort her other times. But… she was no longer sure of anything.

She confirmed it when Stefan did not approach her, but lowered his gaze guiltily.

"Why didn't you use your key?" she asked him, breaking the awkward silence.
"Uh… That's what I wanted to talk about" he said. He looked up and Caroline realized that he was acting like when Damon had 'died'. She could see the façade, the attempts to maintain composure, to not let her in.

Stefan pulled his key out of his pocket and handed it to Caroline. She took it, confused.

"I think it's better you have it" he said. Caroline looked into his eyes, uncomprehending.
"What are you talking about, Stefan?"

He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. Caroline looked over his shoulder and saw Malcolm in the distance. And beside him, Valerie.

"Stefan?" Caroline asked in a whisper. He did not answer, and she stepped toward him to cupped his cheek with her hand. "Don't push me away, please."

Stefan gulped and looked away in order to avoid having to meet her imploring eyes.

"Please, Stefan" she begged, now grabbing the collar of his jacket tightly. He was leaving, she could feel it. "Whatever it is… I'm sure we can-"

Stefan shook his head.

"No, we can't."
"Stefan, listen" she grabbed both sides of his face to make him look at her. He remained impassive, even if he was looking into her eyes. And seeing that made something inside her break. "If they… If this is some noble act to save someone, Damon or-"
"Caroline" Stefan pulled her hands away from his face and shook his head again. "It's not… It's not that. Lily was right. I…" he glanced at Malcolm and Valerie, who were waiting for him. Malcolm seemed to be bored, but he was watching Caroline carefully. And Valerie had a smile on her face. "This isn't my home anymore."
"What?"
"I'm leaving with them, with Lily. She's my mother, she… There are many things of my past that she can explain to me, some things that happened. She says that if I go with her, she'll tell me things I don't know and…"
"And you believe her?"
"Yes."

She looked at him, shocked.

"Well, okay, you want to go with them. I'll go with you."
"Caroline…" he looked away again. "You can't come."
"I'll be fine, okay? I'll behave if it's necessary, I'll try to-"
"Caroline, I don't want you to come with me."

She closed her mouth, starting to feel something terrible inside of her. No… She was sure that he had not said that.

"It was good, and I thought that maybe… But I'm not even sure if I can feel for you what you feel for me."

His words seemed distant, like an echo. And she could hear the beating of her own heart in her ears.

"No, I… I don't believe you" she whispered. Stefan clenched his jaw and snorted, shaking his head.
"Caroline…"
"I don't believe it, Stefan" she took a step toward him. "You want me to hate you, right? You want me to-"
"Whether you hate me or not" he said, "it won't change the fact that I'm leaving."

Valerie cleared her throat in the distance and Caroline glanced at her.

"Is this…This is because you two were together when you were young?"

Stefan looked at her in silence for a few seconds and Caroline wished she had not asked. What if it was about that? She would not be able to bear it, she could not stand the image of him with someone else. And she did not care about being selfish.

"I'm not thinking about any of that now" he said. "I'm not discarding anything, but right now… It has nothing to do with it."

'Right now'. Did that mean that perhaps in the future he would think about it?

"Stefan…" Caroline took another step. Part of her said that everything was a lie. Surely, Lily had threatened him and he was doing what she had asked him to do. "Please, just talk to me. Don't do this, I…"

Caroline stroked his neck, Valerie cleared her throat loudly and Stefan tensed, moving slightly away from her.

"I'm sorry" he looked at her hand and then at her eyes. Caroline thought that she had seen something in his own, sadness, pain, anger. But she was probably wrong. Because she did not know if she knew him as much as she had thought. "Take care, please."

He looked at her one last time before turning around and walking toward Malcolm and Valerie. Caroline watched his back, unable to move. Her feet were telling him to run after him, but something inside her said that if she did, she would be the one losing.

"Stefan" she said with flickering voice. Stefan kept walking without looking back.

Malcolm rolled his eyes and followed Stefan.

"Stefan!" she shouted, now angrier, with her fist clenched. The key still in her hand.

For a brief second, she thought that Stefan seemed to hesitate, wondering whether to stop and turn around or not do it, but he kept walking. Caroline swallowed and grabbed the door frame, breathing hard. Valerie gave her a wide smile and finally turned to follow Stefan and Malcolm.

Caroline stood still until she could not see him anymore. He was gone. She covered her mouth with her hand and closed her eyes tightly, trying to control the emotions that were threatening to come out.

It had to be a nightmare.

She turned around and leaned her back against the wall as she dropped to the ground, trying to get calm and breath easy.

I promise you I will not let anything happen to you.

She looked blankly around, still with the door open, waiting for him to come back.

Caroline shook her head and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"No, I… I can't" she said. "I tried" she rolled her eyes and let out a weak laugh. "I still try. Because if was able to hate him, everything would be easier. But I can't."

Caroline looked away, blinking several times. She did not want to cry in front of anyone, especially not in front of Damon. He nodded.

"What…? What did he tell you before he left, Damon?" she asked him, scared of the answer.

Damon looked around, trying to choose the right words.

"The same thing that he told you, I guess" he said. Caroline shook her head.
"I doubt that."

Damon glanced at her and saw the wince of pain on her face.

"He told me that he needed to start again and give her a try… Lily."
"Why did you let him go?" she said with a hint of anger and frustration in her voice. Caroline did not want to fight again, not after he had offered to help at home, but she could not help feeling resentment against him.
"Because he didn't let me stop him" Damon hissed.

Caroline nodded with a hard face, rose, and went back into the house, slamming the door behind her. Damon did not even flinch, he had got used to it.

That night, as Caroline was trying to sleep as every day, her hand brushed something under the pillow. Someone had pulled out their picture of the frame and put it there.

Caroline watched their faces for a moment and her eyes started to fill with tears. She thought that she would be able to hold them as she usually did, but she gave up when the first one began to fall slowly down her cheek. Her lower lip trembled and she pulled the picture closer to her chest, feeling as if something inside of her was dying. Maybe her heart.

For the first time in a while, she thanked Damon's gesture. Maybe, deep down, he understood her more than she thought.