Title: The Call.
Continuity: 'Initiation'. (Season Three's 5th episode.)
Song: 'Lullaby', by Regina Spektor. (Fragment.)
Feedback: Of course, reviews are highly appreciated.
Warning/Comments: Slightly A/U. Pam's POV. Based on one of my favorite scenes from this Season. This is the first chapter that I actually like, haha.
I know that you cannot be here,
I know that you are not mine now.
(Looking at the window, at another window…)
I see toenails changing colors like the leaves of fall.
I was about to leave when the phone rang. Sighing tiredly, I picked it up. "Dunder Mifflin."
"Oh… Hey."
When I heard his voice, I was so surprised that I almost drop the phone. Oh my God! I couldn't help but exclaiming.
I couldn't believe that his voice had such a powerful effect on me. Of course, it wasn't just his voice; it was him, talking to me after months of being apart; it was also the fact of imagining him on the other side of the phone. It was talking to him and realizing that no matter what happened, our bond remained intact, maybe not as strong as it was before, but it was still there. We were basically the same people that we used to be.
He only had to say a few words and make a joke and I would burst into laugh and all my problems and worries would disappear in a second.
He only had to be himself, and he made my day. But he was cold or distant to me, I fell apart.
He had complete control over me. I would never understand how he did that.
For a little while, everything seemed to be okay. We were talking, laughing, just like we did before; we were acting like best friends are supposed to act and we were having fun, until he suddenly decided that he had to go, or maybe he thought that I had to leave. I don't know exactly what happened, but the next thing I knew was that we were saying goodbye and then we hang up.
I deep breathed and silently thanked God that I had sat on my chair minutes before, or else now I would have collapsed onto the floor, since my legs were shaking and my heartbeat had become slightly erratic. I scolded myself for the way I had acted. Why couldn't I just tell him how I felt and what I thought once I had the opportunity? Why did I have to be so ridiculously passive? Did I think he wouldn't survive being away from me? Was I expecting that he came back for me?
God, Beesly, you're so cheesy if that's what you thought! A voice in my mind whispered, and it was a voice that sounded a lot like Jim's.
No, of course I didn't expect that, I thought bitterly ad I held back the tears. I knew from the moment he left that he wouldn't come back; not in a long time, at least. I had earned it by hurting him. It was my fault that he had left, and now I'd have to live with it.
If truth is to be told, now I'm worse than I was before. If that's possible. Because the problem with me is that I'm divided in two different women. On one hand, I have my "I'm in love" self; that woman is completely and madly in love with Jim Halpert, which was exactly why I was immensely happy of hearing his voice and talking to him again. On the other hand, there's my "rational" self… and let's just say that woman isn't really happy. Why? Because the rational part of me is in charge of forcing me to get out of bed every morning, go to work every day even if he's not here, stifle the tears, avoid the bitter gazes towards his old desk during the day and every time I come home alone. Now this call made me miss him even more; and forcing me to act normally it's going to be a lot harder for the rational part of me.
Before today, I moved inside some sort of blur, and that way it was easier to breathe and not to collapse; it was easier for me to live if I did everything automatically and acted as if nothing ever had happened, as if I had never met (and loved) Jim Halpert. That way, it was easier not to feel the pain of his absence and I had almost started to forget him.
Now, from this very moment on, I'm going to think about him every moment of my day. I'm going to be 24 over 7 hanging on the phone in case he calls again. I'm going to miss him more than ever and every minute without him is going to be horribly painful.
But 'In love' Pam doesn't really care about that at all. And so even though I feel like I should regret picking up that phone, I certainly don't.