January 2018.
Caroline opened her eyes and looked down, clutching the sheets and burying her cheek on his pillow. It smelled like him. It was like he was there, but he was not.
This one reminds me of you, Caroline. Because if you don't remember me, then what am I?
She shut her eyes, feeling how heavy her eyelids were. Not that she was physically tired, but the psychological exhaustion… She did not know if she would ever recover after everything that had happened.
She ran a hand over her face and got out of bed, stepping barefoot on the floor. She looked around his bedroom and the nostalgia made her shudder. The room was freezing, or maybe she was, since she had been broken so much time.
She opened his closet and a drawer to find one of his sweatshirts. Almost all his clothes were there, if not all of them. When she put it on and felt the warmth, she wondered if she was going too far, crossing the line. The more she let the memories influence her, the more pain she would feel when she had to come back to reality.
She was about to close the drawer when she saw something that made her heart stop for a few seconds. She reached out and took the little blue box. And when she opened it, she could not help but sit down on the bed, watching the so familiar ring.
"We need… confetti, balloons, soft drinks, and… a piñata" Stefan said, frowning as he read the list. Caroline was walking beside him, watching the store windows. "Caroline, are you sure that Bonnie will want a piñata for her birthday?"
"It'll be fun!" she exclaimed, smiling.
Stefan shook his head, laughing, and when he turned his head to her to tease her, he realized that she was no longer at his side. He looked back and found her standing in front of the window of the jewelry.
"Now what?" he asked, standing behind her, looking over her shoulder.
"I haven't bought anything for her yet" she said thoughtfully. "Do you think she'll like that bracelet?"
"Um, I guess" Stefan said, shrugging.
"Bah, I don't know why I ask your opinion, considering that you buy your gifts at quick stops."
"Hey!" Stefan gave her an affectionate pinch on the side and Caroline chuckled. "When are you going to forgive me for that? I wonder why you have that snow globe kept in your drawer if you don't like it that much."
Caroline cleared her throat, blushing a little. Who was she kidding. She loved it.
"Well, I don't want to offend you, that's why I kept it" she said. Stefan chuckled and put his arms around her waist from behind, burying his face in her neck.
Caroline put her hand on his, playing with his fingers, and she looked towards the engagement rings helplessly. Stefan noticed.
"What do you think of those?" he asked, referring to them.
"Those are engagement rings, Stefan. Unless you want me to marry Bonnie…"
"Caroline" Stefan said, exasperated, giving her a playful bite on the neck. "I mean what you think in general."
"They're… beautiful" she said. Her gaze was fixed on one in particular and Stefan tried to realize which one. "Anyway…" she let out a sigh and kept walking. "Come on, we have too much to buy."
Stefan glanced at the ring before following her.
Caroline touched the ring with her index finger, torn between laughing or crying. Stefan was going to ask her to marry him, and she was finding out about it almost two years later.
"Okay, blondie, it's time to get down to business and for you to leave Crazyland after a year and a half of continuous madness" Damon entered the room with the phone in his hand and Caroline tried to stood straight.
She cleared her throat and tucked her hair behind her ear, standing up and heading to the drawer.
"What do you have there?" Damon asked, worried, and ran to her to snatch whatever she had from her hands.
"Damon!"
"What…?" his face relaxed a little when he saw that it was not a journal, but he could not help but be surprised to see an engagement ring. "Oh."
Caroline snatched it from his hands and put it in the drawer.
"Apparently, we'll be family, Caroline Salvatore" he said with a mischievous smile. Caroline rolled her eyes and folded her arms.
"What do you want?"
"For you to do what you didn't in New York. Yesterday you said that we were going to bring Stefan Back. Well, here you go" Damon handed her the phone again, with the name of Stefan on the screen. Caroline looked at him as if he was idiot.
"Really? That's your plan? For me to call him and ask him to come back?" she asked.
"Um, yes?"
"Damon, how can you be so stupid? How old are you?"
Damon glared at her.
"We're going to find him" she said with determination, walking towards the desk. Damon's eyes widened and he turned around to her, remembering Stefan's words, remembering what he said about Caroline being in danger if the heretics learned that she was going looking for him. They were supposed to look for him in a subtle way, but, of course, Caroline did not understand that concept when it came to find him. Stefan was going to kill him.
"Wait, what?"
"We'll follow tracks, I'm sure we can find him somehow. Bonnie can helps us and-"
"No, no, no, no way. You know what Stefan will do if he finds out that I've told you the truth and that we're looking for him? He'll kill me."
"Doesn't sound so bad."
Caroline gave her a fake smile and Damon snorted.
"We're not going to look for him, blondie."
"You asked me to bring him back, so we'll do it my way."
Damon and Caroline stared defiantly at each other for a few seconds. Damon knew that, whatever he said to object, Caroline would win anyway.
"Bah" he said.
"Good" Caroline turned to the desk and let out a sigh. "I think we should leave this afternoon. What are all these boxes, by the way?" she asked.
Caroline was going to open one but Damon sped to her and stopped her, putting his hand over the box. She looked at him impatiently.
"My stuff. Since Stefan wasn't here…"
Caroline rolled her eyes and walked out of the room.
February 2018.
I still remember the relief I felt when she said it, when she finally said that she had never really hated me. Because, there was nothing worse than the most perfect thing in the world hating me. There was nothing worse than that ray of sunlight hating me. It was the worst punishment, and I actually more than deserved it. But again, there she was, being perfect, and the most compassionate person I've ever met. And I could not think of anything else. I just wanted to kiss her, there was something inside of me telling me to do it, not to let go that chance. Because she looked beautiful, because not kissing her was driving me crazy even if I wasn't showing it. The only thing I wanted to do was taste her lips, and I did. And it was the best decision I've ever made, despite of the circumstances. And then…
Stefan stopped after writing the letter "n". And then… Then what? He jumped when, without realizing it, made a hole on the paper with the tip of the pen.
"Then…" he mumbled. "Damn it. What happened next?" Stefan ran his hand over his face, starting to get nervous. He did not remember. Whatever happened, he could not remember.
"Losing your memory?" Valerie asked, leaning on the back of the couch behind him to read what he was writing. Stefan closed the diary shut and clenched his jaw. "Oh, you're writing about her. How cute."
"Leave me alone" Stefan hissed.
"It's a good idea, actually, considering that soon, you-"
Valerie hit the wall when Stefan pushed her against it, with his hand wrapped around her neck, squeezing. Valerie laughed.
"Tempt me, Stefan. Tempt me and I swear you'll not forget her little by little. With a few words I can make you forget her right now, forever."
Stefan squeezed her neck even more for a moment, tempted by the idea of killing the person who was making him forget the best thing that had ever happened to him. But his fingers loosened and he released her, surrendering. He turned around, heading to the door.
When he walked out of the house, he leaned against the porch railing, grabbing it tightly with his hands. He looked around, watching the trees. Again, they were living in a house lost in the woods. This time, Oregon.
He missed her, he missed laughing because of something she said. He opened the journal and turned some pages until he found the picture. She was sticking out her tongue on it and Stefan could not help but smile slightly at the image.
Stefan entered her bedroom and looked around with a knot in his throat. So tidy as usual. He dragged his feet towards her shelf. Photographs of her with Liz, with Bonnie and Elena, with Tyler and Matt, with him. She even had a photograph of only him. He knew that she had taken it from his bedroom.
Next to that one, there was another of her, sticking out her tongue. Beautiful, happy, Caroline.
He took it and looked at her, feeling as if someone gave him a kick in the stomach. Worse, as if someone put a stake through his heart. It was funny, he had always hated what he was, what he had become. And yet, now he wanted to live, for her. Because there was nothing more encouraging than sharing eternity with Caroline Forbes and her adorable optimism, always saying that everything would be okay in the end.
But this time was different. This time there would be no happy ending, there would not be a day in which everything would be fine. Because there was no way to fix what had happened, there was no way to make it stop.
He pulled the photo out of the frame and put it in his pocket, trying to stay calm. But it was difficult, if not impossible.
When his phone buzzed and he looked at the screen, he swallowed hard. There she was again. What would his days be like when she did not call him anymore? What would happen if she called him one day and he did not remember who that Caroline that appeared smiling on the screen of his phone was?
He clenched his jaw as his eyes filled with tears. He closed them and put the phone against his hear.
"Hey."
"Hey, stranger! I've called you a thousand times" Caroline said with a giggle. Stefan opened his eyes when he heard her open the front door. She had just arrived home. "I thought you'd forgotten me."
Stefan swallowed hard again. He was afraid that if he spoke, the weak tone of his voice would betray him.
"Of course not. I've been busy, you know… Damon, Alaric…"
"Mm, sounds like fun. But what about me? Do you remember me? You know, Caroline, your girlfriend, who loves to have all the attention of the world."
Stefan laughed weakly and then pursed his lips, rubbing his forehead.
"Where are you?" she asked.
"Er…" Stefan looked around and tried to listen carefully to make sure that Caroline was still downstairs. He walked towards the window and opened it. "At home."
"What do you say about Grill at 9, with a game of pool and a couple of beers included?"
"Sounds good" he said.
"Great! See you there."
"Okay."
"Stefan?"
He remained silent, knowing what he was about to hear, and wondering how much time he had left to hear those words.
"I love you."
May 2018.
"But it's another clue!" Caroline said.
"Another dead end clue, you mean" Damon replied, rolling his eyes. "Not that I want to despise the skills of our witch, but how many times does she hit the target?"
"This time it's different. She isn't trying to track him anymore, she's trying to track Lily now. Maybe Stefan has a blocking spell or something."
"What if Lily and Stefan aren't in the same place? Huh?" he asked after clearing his throat.
Caroline pursed her lips and folded her arms, looking through the car window. Damon sighed.
"We should go back to Mystic Falls and start again from there. Maybe-"
"Damon" she said. Her look was enough for him to know that they would not go back.
"Blondie, I know you want him back and all of that, but maybe you should relax, okay? We don't know in which stat we'll find him."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Caroline asked, confused.
Damon opened his mouth with his eyes fixed on the road. They were just out of the state of Nevada, entering Oregon.
"Well, we know how Stefan is" Damon said. "Once he loses his mind, he starts breaking necks and-"
"He wouldn't do that" Caroline said, looking away.
"I don't want to disappoint you, but in his nearly 200 years, he has done it more than once."
"Stefan has more self-control than you think and…"
Caroline stopped talking when her phone buzzed in her bag. She pulled it out quickly and slid her thumb over the screen.
"So? Do we have new from our Hermione Granger?" Damon asked.
"Redmond" Caroline said.
"My name is Damon."
"No, Damon, Redmond, that's where they are" she said, showing him the directions and the map of the screen.
"Redmond it is."
Caroline walked among the trees, following the directions of the map. Damon was following her, looking around and alert in case anything suddenly showed up.
She stopped and looked forward, feeling her heart beating fast. Damon stopped beside her and looked at the house that there was a few meters away in front of them.
"Come on" she said, putting her phone inside her pocket. Damon grabbed her arm.
"Are you crazy?" he asked her, and then shook his head. "I don't even know why I'm asking. You are!"
"We have to go in there, he may be inside" she explained in whispers.
"Look, blondie, I know that you lose all sense of logic when it comes to my brother, so, please, focus and don't be stupid."
Caroline released from his grasp and gritted her teeth, trying to control herself to not break his neck and walking into the house by her own. The front door suddenly opened and Damon pulled the sleeve of her jacket to make her bent behind some bushes.
Stefan stepped into the porch with a beer in hand and a journal in the other. Caroline froze, watching how he leaned against the railing. Damon looked at her from the corner of the eye and saw her petrified and broken face, the spark in her eyes, and he could even hear the speed at which her heart was beating. And for once in his life, he understood what she had to be feeling. Because he would feel the same thing if he saw Elena after a long time.
Caroline swallowed hard with watery eyes. She did not want to cry, but the emotions were shaking her in a way that hurt. She closed her eyes for a brief second and then opened them. She did not want to miss a thing, she did not want to lose him again.
"It's him" she said in a whisper, so quiet that Damon wondered if he had imagined it. "It's him. We… We have to…"
Caroline stood and Damon imitated her without knowing what to do. She stepped forward and Stefan looked up from the journal towards he had heard the footstep. And then he saw her. It was her, his Caroline, and she looked real, but he did not know if his mind was laughing at him.
Damon saw the same expression of surprise that Caroline had on his brother's face, and realized that Stefan did not know how to react or what to do.
"Caroline…" Damon tried to grab her arm to stop her but Caroline released from his hand again without looking away from Stefan.
"Stefan" she said in a whisper. Memories of the last day she saw him flooded her mind, the way she shouted his name and he hesitated for a few seconds to turn around, the way she waited for him but he never came back. Perhaps, she should have gone after him that day, as she was doing now.
Stefan took a step toward the three steps of the porch, but he stopped when he heard footsteps approaching behind him. He was completely frozen and glanced at Damon, shaking his head. Caroline saw it too.
"No" she mumbled. "No, no…"
Damon grabbed Caroline tightly and sped away with her, again hiding behind the bushes.
"No, Damon, we have to… Damon, don't you dare…!" Caroline tried to pull away but Damon tightened his grip and covered her mouth, looking through the bushes.
"Shh! Do you want them to find us?"
Caroline stopped kicking but continued glaring at him. Then she glanced at the porch, and they both saw Lily talking to Stefan, placing a hand on his shoulder. Stefan shook his head and went back into the house, followed by Lily.
"No!" Caroline exclaimed in a whisper. "No, no, no!"
Caroline tried to stand up but Damon grabbed her and ran away with her as she hit him and hit him to make him release her, without success.
He released her as soon as they entered the room of the motel and Caroline turned to him with a mad look, very angry.
"Why did you do that? Damn it, Damon! Why did you?!"
"Because they'd have killed us all! What part of entering the house is dangerous you didn't understand?"
"I was…!" Caroline clenched her jaw, breathing hard. "I was about to reach him! I was about to get him back, Damon!"
Caroline started to punch him with her closed fists and Damon sighed, letting her do it.
"I was going to get him back, I…!"
"I know" Damon said.
Her lower lip trembled and she turned around to head to the bathroom before Damon could see the tears falling down her cheeks.
Damon came into the room carrying a box and saw that Caroline was watching a TV program with a tired, exhausted look. Her eyes were red from crying and he wondered if he was doing the right thing.
He put the box on the table and looked at the TV for a few long seconds before preparing the couch with a couple of blankets and two cushions.
"Look, I'm sorry, blondie, okay?" he said, trying to sound sincere. Caroline did not look at him, did not flinch. "Stefan left precisely to not put you in danger, and the first thing you do is go and-"
"If it had been Elena, would you have let anyone stop you from reaching her?" Caroline asked with a weak voice, looking at the sheets.
Damon sighed.
"Tell me, Damon" she said, and looked intently at him. "Would you?"
"No" he finally said.
"Exactly" she said, looking at the TV screen again.
Damon gritted his teeth, not because he was angry, because she was right. And he did not want to keep lying to her, he did not wanted to give her more false hope.
"Well, once we've talked about it and all… Do you accept my apology?" he asked him with a wide smile.
"I guess I do, but I'm not sorry for punching you" she said without looking at him.
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
Damon grabbed the box and dropped it on her bed. Caroline looked at him, much to her dismay.
"What's that?" she asked with a harsh tone.
"Start with the first one. Don't read the others if… you haven't read the first one, okay?"
Caroline looked at him with a frown and Damon nodded, trying to convince himself that it was for the best. He returned to the couch and lay down after turning off the lamp beside it, his back to her.
Caroline opened the box and saw all the journals, marked with dates. Dates that began the year Stefan had returned to Mystic Falls. He took the oldest, the first one, and opened it to the first page.
She glanced at Damon, who had his eyes wide open but she could not see them. And then she was scared. Caroline was scared, because there was a reason why Damon had brought all those boxes with him, even if she had not asked him why. There was a reason why Damon did not want to be facing her while she read the content of the pages.
Because they were Stefan's.
She cleared her throat and began to read. The first page had no date, it was just a piece of text. A text that she wished she had never read and whose sentences seemed to want to break each part of her heart. Some of them were…
I had to choose…
It was going with them or watching her die…
I wanted to stay. I wanted, for the first time, to ignore the danger and just be with her…
A spell…
I'm cursed…
I'm forgetting her…
I wanted to be selfish and stay…
I can't be selfish with her, she doesn't deserve this. She deserves something much better…
I won't remember her…
Her laugh, her lips, her eyes, her skin…
I'm forgetting her.
Damon heard her crying silently against the pillow the whole night.