Title: Of Change and Great Expectations.
Continuity: 'A Benihana Christmas, Part One.' (Season Three's 10th episode.)
Song: 'Early Christmas Present', by Kate Nash. (Fragment.)
Feedback: Of course, reviews are highly appreciated.
Warning/Comments: Slightly A/U. Pam-centric. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry it took so long to update this time but school's been driving me crazy, my parents have been driving me crazy, even my friends have been driving me crazy and I couldn't find the time to write. As always, I hope you like this chapter. The first section narrates the scene that I wanted to talk about (write about) in this chapter, and the second part of the chapter describes Pam's inner feelings. (I've been doing this a lot lately, because Pam's just the perfect character for that, so complex and interesting; I just hope you guys don't get tired of this, haha.) About the song: I've just found out about Kate's new album, and when I read this song's lyrics I was like, 'Oh my God, is she a Jam fan or something?' All the songs were great, as usual, but this one just fits the situation.
You acted different. You were so different.
You were impatient.
And you lied to me right to my face.
And your best friend's ex-girlfriend's
younger sister's mate, knew before I did.
Before I did. Before I did.
"Jim."She softly called after him, and when he turned around she gestured for him to come closer.
He looked a little surprised, but he walked over to her desk with his hands in his pockets, in his usual suave way.
"Um, hey."She uttered.
"Hey."
"I need to give you your Christmas gift right now because, um… well, I'll just tell you."
"What?"He smiled.
"During the last few months, I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA." She handed him a folder and flashed him the best of her smiles, the one she reserved for her best friend.
"Are you serious?"His smile became wider.
"They're considering him for a top-secret mission…"She pointed at one of the sheets. "Here's his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never, ever tell."
He chuckled slightly and so did she. His laughter had always been contagious.
He started reading from the file to both of them, in a whisper. "Last year my boss Michael Scott took a day off 'cause he said he had pneumonia, but really he was going early to go to magic camp…"
She started laughing, trying not to be too obvious.
"Wow."He exclaimed.
"So here's the gift: you get to decide what his top-secret is."
He smiled at her.
"Sorry I didn't wrap it."She half joked, half apologized. Her smile was now a mix of excitement and mischief.
But his smile faded. He closed the folder and looked down and she just knew something was wrong.
"You know what? I really don't think I should be doing this stuff anymore, though."
She looked up at him, and she almost failed at hiding her shock behind a soft expression of surprise. "Oh."
"No, it's just, the promotion…"
"Oh, yeah… "
"Just feels a little bit like, uh…"
"No, I get it, of course." She nodded, trying to act understanding and ignore the fact that he was making up excuses to reject her present. She attempted to smile even when all she wanted was for him to leave her alone so she could pick up the pieces of her dignity.
He made one of his faces- but it wasn't funny this time. She could see he was embarrassed, and frankly, he wasn't the only one. "Okay." She said, reaching her hand and taking the folder back.
He put his hands in his pockets again and walked back to his desk.
And once he turned his back on her, she stopped smiling (those fake smiles were getting harder and harder every time) and pure disappointment could be read in her face.
She deep breathed and tried to focus back on paperwork, or the fact that it was Christmas, or the fact that there was going to be a party or something, anything to keep her mind off of him, off of his painful rejection.
Needless to say it was impossible.
Look cool, she told herself. Just look cool. Nothing happened. Nothing happened.
Inside her mind, her thoughts were spiraling and tumbling back down out of control, going back and forth, and analyzing every single one of their words once and over again…
Nothing happened in the outside, but in the inside she was a mess.
You have got to be kidding me.
You can't be doing this. I thought we were friends, best friends. Even when you left Scranton and you started seeing someone else and all… I thought we were friends.
Come on, pranking Dwight was our thing. You can't take that away from me.
What are you trying to do?
I don't understand. You're not acting normal. There's no reason for that. Unless…
Unless you've really changed.
So you've really changed.
I thought you were just faking it.
You've really changed and now you don't like pranking Dwight anymore… and you don't even have the decency of faking you do, accepting my present and pranking Dwight one last time, for me.
You can't even do this for me.
You can't do anything for me.
Wow. This is perfect. Just perfect. Really. I thought I'd never have to say this, but you are an ass.
You are an ass, Jim.
You know I'm trying here, you see me trying everyday to be a good friend and this is what I get?
You can't even pretend to still be the same, old Jim who was my best friend and accept my fucking present?
Who did this to you? How did you become this merciless man who can't even pretend for his best friend?
Did Karen do this to you?
Did I?
Oh my God. I did this to you.
You're shutting me down just like I did.
Jesus.
All this time waiting for you to come back and now that you have come back I find out that you are not the Jim I used to know.
I also find out it's my fault.
And now I can't even give you a Christmas gift because you'll refuse to accept it.
And now we can't even try to do the same stuff we used to because you'll say no even before I say a word.
And now I have to deal with the fact that I'm breaking down, crushing under the weight of my own great expectations.
Oh, God.
I really screwed it up this time.
How am I gonna fix this?
How am I gonna fix this?
What if there's no way to fix this?