Chapter 14

Fenris sat in front of the campfire watching Hawke as the mage honed and polished his daggers. They were on their way to the Bone Pit to see what the trouble was. It was three days since the attack and Hawke seemed to be back to his normal self. But the elf was troubled although he wasn't sure why. Something seemed off about the mage.

"Okay Hawke, let's see how good you are with those," Isabela said as she got to her feet. "Come on," she bent down and took the mage's arm to pull him to his feet.

Gavin sighed as he followed the pirate to a clear space a few meters away. When Isabela got an idea in her head, there was nothing to do but go along with it. The woman could be damned persistant.

"Okay Fenris, what's wrong?" Aveline said as soon as the others were out of earshot. She saw the elf shrug and go back to poking at the fire. "You're not the biggest talker in the group, but you've been more silent than usual. And you've been watching our leader like a hawk, no pun intended."

"I don't know exactly," Fenris said hesitantly.

"Come on Fenris," Aveline said firmly. "Hawke has brought everyone except his brother and Merrill on this little jaunt. He's never done that before."

Fenris glanced around and saw that Anders had moved away from them and was busy reading some kind of book. Lowering his voice, he related to Aveline the events that preceded their trip. "He has seemed unsure of himself since then."

"Well, we are going to a place that has a very bad reputation with no idea of what we're facing," Varric put forth, seeming to feel that was explanation enough.

"True, but to bring along two warriors and two rogues?" Aveline asked. "When he asked me, he didn't tell me all of you were coming along as well. When I confronted him and told him that I didn't think it was necessary to bring all of us, he replied that he didn't feel comfortable going with a smaller group."

Fenris shook his head, perplexed at the situation. He looked to where Hawke and Isabela were sparring. It still amazed him at how fluid and graceful Hawke was for such a big man. Watching the two of them was like watching an elaborate dance of some kind. He suddenly found himself wondering what kind of moves Hawke would have in bed and drew in a sharp breath. Where had that come from? He shook his head to clear it and turned his gaze to the fire.

Isabela stopped sparring suddenly and held up her hand, "Hawke, your mind seems to be elsewhere tonight. Trust me, that's not a good thing when you're sparring."

"Sorry, let's just call it quits," Gavin muttered. He turned away, whistling for Fang to follow him, and headed towards the edge of the clearing they were in. "I'll take first watch. The rest of you can decide who and in what order you'll go."

Isabela frowned and headed back to the fire, plopping herself down in front of it. "Okay, there's something seriously wrong with Hawke."

"Why do you say that?" Aveline asked.

"When you fight someone, whether it's in practice or real combat, if you hesitate you get hurt," Isabela frowned at her. "He seemed to be second guessing his moves and actions."

Fenris narrowed his eyes at her, "Are you sure about this?" When the pirate nodded he sighed and shook his head. "So, it wasn't my imagination. His confidence has been damaged."

"How did that happen?" Isabela asked sharply.

Fenris told her briefly about the trouble with Feynriel and the other two mages. "I just don't know what we can do to change things."

"So why did he bring Anders along then, for comic relief?" Isabela sarcastically asked.

"Hawke can heal, but Anders is much better at it," Varric answered. "Given what I've heard about the Bone Pit, we might very well need a dedicated healer."

Aveline looked to where Hawke was sitting on a slight rise, his dog laying quietly alert at his feet. "We're going into an unknown situation. We can't have him second guessing himself if it comes to a fight." She sat in thought for a few minutes before nodding firmly and getting to her feet. "I'm going to see if I can straighten him out a little. I know what it's like to have doubts and yet still have to lead others."

"Oh, before you go, Hawke said for us to decide on who will take watch," Isabela told her.

"Since Aveline is going to talk to him, she can take second watch," Fenris spoke up. "I'll take third watch We can switch up tomorrow night and then again the next night. It will take us a least four days to reach the Bone Pit, and each of us should share the responsibilities so none of us gets too tired. There is a dark cloud that hovers over the place and stories of dark deeds abound. I have a feeling that whatever is happening there, we're going to need to be on our toes."

Aveline walked up to Hawke, stooped to pet Fang, and then sat down on the mage's left. She said nothing for a while, wanting to gather her thoughts before speaking. Finally she turned to the mage and said, "According to Fenris, you've had a rather tough week."

Hawke absently fingered a cut on his face that hadn't quite healed fully as he shrugged, "I guess."

"The toughest time of my life was when I saw our forces at Ostagar crumble before the darkspawn horde," she said softly. "Loghain's betrayal cost so many good men and women their lives. I managed to escape and meet up with Wesley. I thought that as long as we were together that we could survive anything. But the horde moved faster than expected as you know. You found us and we fought our way through together. I never expected to lose my husband the way I did."

"I know, I felt the same when Bethany was killed by that Ogre," Gavin nodded. "She was so young and had her whole life ahead of her. It wasn't fair and I wanted nothing more than to just give up. But, I saw my mother and brother watching me and counting on me and so I kept going."

"I watched you too," Aveline told him. "So many times on our journey to Kirkwall I thought, 'What's the point?', and each time I looked at you. I saw the resolve in your face and it gave me the strength to keep going. I think if it wasn't for you that none of us would have made it. We would have given up."

"But you didn't," he pointed out.

"No, because you didn't give up and didn't let us do so either," she nodded. "Then, I was made Captain of the City Guard and had all this responsibility dropped onto my shoulders. There were many times that I sat at my desk and cried in frustration. There were many times when I doubted that I could do the job. Yet, I still had to go out and give orders to men and women who were counting on me to look after them. So, I hid my doubts and my fears and put on a brave and confident face."

"While I appreciate your confidence, I have to wonder why you're telling me all this," Gavin said, looking at her out of the corner of his eye.

"Because you need to understand something," Aveline said firmly. "Leading people when things are good is easy. Leading people when things are bad is hard, and leading them when you doubt yourself is the hardest thing of all. Every leader has doubts at some point in their lives. What you have to do is hide your doubts, and show a confident face to those who follow you. Sometimes you'll make mistakes and it might cost people their lives. But, you have to learn from them and move forward and not make the same mistake twice."

"I can't help but keep thinking that I made a mistake sending Feynriel to the tower," Gavin said softly. "I mean, who am I to decide such a fate for a fellow mage?"

"According to Fenris, the boy was already being visited by demons in his sleep," Aveline retorted. "Wesley often told me of the dangers the Fade demons and spirits posed to even the most experienced mages. As an untrained mage, he would have been easily corrupted. He could not be left to his own devices. As the leader, you had to make a difficult choice between two courses of action and you made it and went through with it despite the objections of those around you. That is what a leader does."

"Yet, it still seems like I made the wrong decision," Gavin argued.

"That's my point," Aveline retorted. "It may or may not have been the wrong decision, but only time will tell if it was. It is done and can't be changed now. You have to move on. You can't let one decision, whether bad or good, color everything else you do. Accept what you did, acknowledge your doubt, and put it behind you."

Not having any response to that, Gavin sighed and looked up at the sky. He knew that she was right, but knowing and accepting were two different things. He was the leader and was responsible for those who followed him. What if the next decision he made cost a friend their life?

"You should go and get some rest Hawke," Aveline nudged him out of his thoughts. "But, before you go, let me just give you one more thing to think about. We are your friends and we are here to help you. Don't be afraid to ask for our advice if you feel you need it. A good leader knows to surround himself with capable people of varying talents. It enables him to get different perspectives on a situation, to see a bigger picture. This is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. When I need advice, or just feel a need to bounce ideas off someone, I seek out the Viscount or Seneshcal Bran, and sometimes I even go to the Chantry and talk with the Grand Cleric. On occasion I have even asked Donnic his opinion. Even though he is under my command, he has more knowledge of Kirkwall and those who live here than I do."

"I understand," Gavin nodded and then smiled at her. "I'm really glad now that you decided to come with me." He stood up and turned to head towards the fire and his bedroll.

"Hawke," Aveline called as she got to her feet. She waited until he turned to look at her before continuing. "I'm glad you asked me to come along too. I hadn't realized how much I needed a break from everything until today. Know that I will always be there for you, just as you were there for me."

Gavin nodded and then continued on, his step a little lighter than before.