Title: Trying and failing.

Continuity: 'A Benihana Christmas.' (Season Three's 10th and 11th episode.)

Song: 'Left hand song', by Regina Spektor. (Fragment.)

Feedback: Of course, reviews are highly appreciated.

Warning/Comments: Slightly A/U. Jim's POV. Drabble. Again, I'm sorry about the delay and about how short this chapter is. I just hope you like it. The first part is about Jim's thoughts right after rejecting Pam's attempt to give him a gift, the second part is his 'explanation' of his attitude (and I quoted his words) the third part would be like his unseen, inner reaction to that explanation and the last part is about the conversation he has with Michael and the deeper meaning of his words. It's all kinda messy, I know. I'm sorry about that too.

Too much time spent trying to crawl into a hole;
then trying to crawl out of that hole.

This is so hard. I can't keep doing this. I'm hurting her. I hate this. Why couldn't I just play along with her? What am I doing? The look on her face was just… as if I'd slapped her or something… I can't even think about it, Oh God, what did I do? What should I do? I can't come back now. That'd be pathetic and she would probably just get angry at me or something. She'd think I'm jerking her around. But I'm not, damn it, why is it all so hard?

"I feel like there's a chance for me to start over, and… if I fall back into the same kinda things I used to do, then… what am I doing?"

Well, yeah, there is a chance for me to start over.

It's just… I don't give a damn about it. I don't want to start over; I want to go back in time. I'd rather be living like a year ago, when she didn't know about my feelings for her, when every single moment was painful and blissful at the same time. Because I got to be with her, but she was someone else's. But at least we could hang out, and talk, and I had her for myself from nine to five, as long as that jerk she called her fiancé didn't show up to see her and ruined my day. Back in those times we could at least be friends.

Now I can't even have that. It's my entire fault. I should have never gone away. Now I'm angry, and tired, and full of regrets. I can't even try to be friends with her now because if I start being nice to her again, then Karen will freak out about that, she'll get jealous and my life will become Hell. Well, it is Hell already. But it'll be worse.

What do I do, God? How do I fix this? There has to be a way. And I have to find it soon.

They were still hungry, at the end.
They were still hungry at the end.

"You just had a rebound. "

"A rebound?"

"Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun way of distraction. But… when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like. The one that broke your heart."

Sometimes I think I'm such a hypocrite.

I mean, Michael's had a rebound tonight, but who am I to say anything? My life right now is a rebound.

And the girl that broke my heart – well, let's just say I'm not over her at all.

Let's just say I miss her terribly, but I can't do anything about it because I'm in a committed relationship or something. And the girl I'm dating, she's pretty jealous already.

This girl that broke my heart – I can't even be friends with her anymore.

And that sucks, because I still love her, no matter how much I lie to myself over and over again.