Chapter 24

"What is he doing?" Varric asked as he and the others stood waiting behind Hawke at the entrance to the Deep Roads. Hawke was standing there, holding the staff his brother gave him, staring into the darkness ahead of them.

"Building up his courage, I believe," Fenris said quietly.

"He was in pretty bad shape after you returned the last time," Sebastian told them. "I can't imagine how difficult this must be for him."

"I heard that his brother died on the expedition," Anders said softly, looking at Varric. "You never did say what exactly happened."

"Why do you want to know?" Fenris growled, glaring at the healer.

"Because, if we all knew what happened, maybe we can help him better," Anders retorted.

"He became tainted by the darkspawn," the dwarf told him.

Anders groaned and closed his eyes, "Shit, no wonder he doesn't want to go back." He remained silent for a moment. "He had to kill his brother didn't he?"

"Yes," Fenris said.

"Blondie, how in blazes did you guess that?" Varric goggled at him.

"Because death or becoming a Warden are the only two choices for someone who is tainted," Anders said flatly.

"You sound certain of that," Sebastian eyed him closely.

"Being a Grey Warden myself, of course I am," the healer snapped, not liking the tone of the prince's voice. "The thing no one knows, is that becoming a warden only postpones your death for a couple of decades, so it really isn't a cure. Not that the Wardens care," he finished with a growl.

"What do you mean by postponing death?" Gavin asked, having silently rejoined them.

"Becoming a Grey Warden is a death sentence," Anders said, anger lighting his eyes. "Only they don't tell you that ahead of time. They also don't tell you that only about half of those who attempt the Joining actually survive it. Those that don't? Let's just say I never want to see it happen again."

"Are you saying you're going to die?" Varric's eyebrows rose in shock.

"Eventually your body can't fight off the taint, and you start to lose your mind," Anders' voice became quiet and a little haunted. "The nightmares that always plague you become more violent, so much so that you start to see death as a release. When that happens, the wardens enter into the Deep Roads to fight the darkspawn until death finds them. I have maybe another twenty years left."

"But you chose to become one," Sebastian frowned.

"No, I was conscripted," the healer argued. "It was either that or be dragged back to the Circle again. After I survived the process they told me all these lovely little details. I often wonder if I would have been better off going back to the Circle. At least then I would have a chance to escape again. I can't escape being a warden, no matter how far I run."

Gavin looked down at his feet thinking hard about what he'd heard. "It almost sounds like you think my brother is better off."

"Some fates are worse than death," Anders said softly. He was silent for a moment and then looked at them a little guiltily. "Uh, listen, I would appreciate it if you don't tell anyone else what I've told you. The last thing I need is for the Wardens to come hunting me."

"What do you mean?" Fenris asked sharply.

"Well, the whole thing about how people become Wardens is supposed to be secret," the healer shrugged. "Not that I think any of you had plans to join them. But, if people knew ahead of time what was going to happen, I think the Wardens would have a very difficult time getting recruits."

"If you had been with us the last time, could you have saved Carver?" Gavin asked.

"Only the senior wardens know how the Joining Ritual works," Anders shook his head. "There were some wardens floating around the Free Marches at the time, but who or where they were I never bothered to find out. I preferred to keep my head down. I'm sorry."

Gavin waived off the apology, "No, it's alright." He studied the healer for a moment. "How is this going to affect you? What can we expect?"

"Well, the deeper we have to go, the more likely we are to encounter darkspawn," Anders replied. "That means that my nightmares will get worse. Unfortunately, there's no way to stop them. Believe me, I've tried every magical and non-magical trick I could think of. At least there's no Archdemon now. The dreams are even worse during a Blight." He shrugged and grinned ruefully, "You take what you can get."

"Wardens can sense darkspawn right?" Varric asked.

"Yes, and the larger the group or more powerful the darkspawn, the easier it is," the healer nodded. "The opposite holds true though. They can sense me. But, at least I can warn you when that happens so that you're not taken by surprise."

"So, no sneaking by any groups we encounter," Fenris stated.

"If you're that concerned by it then I'll stay behind," Anders said in irritation.

"No!" Gavin shouted, flashing the elf a quelling look. "I need you down there." There was a long moment of silence before he turned around and faced the entrance once more. "Waiting isn't going to make this any easier. Let's go."

Fenris moved up to Gavin's side, with Sebastian and Varric right behind them and Anders bringing up the rear. The healer shook his head, "I hate the blasted Deep Roads."

The group was silent as they entered and began to retrace their route. It was easy for the first few miles, but then the dark and the twisting tunnels got all but Varric confused. The dwarf changed places with Fenris, who dropped back to walk beside Sebastian.

"Are you a follower of Andraste Fenris?" the prince asked quietly.

"No," the elf said shortly. "I don't know if I even believe in the Maker anymore."

"I know that being a slave in Tevinter and what you must have gone through probably soured your faith."

Fenris looked sidelong at the prince and said angrily, "Don't presume that you have any idea, your highness. As far as my faith, I can't say I have any, or that I ever had any."

"Even if you don't believe in him, the Maker believes in you," Sebastian said firmly.

"You really believe that?" Anders said skeptically. "Personally I think that He doesn't care one bit what happens to us here. How else can something like the Circle in Kirkwall exist?"

"Do not start on one of your rants about the mages again," Fenris growled. He was looking back as he said this and so didn't realize Hawke had stopped until he almost bumped into him.

"Please, I don't want you arguing, not here, not now," Gavin begged. "This is hard enough on me without having to listen to you two."

"Sorry Hawke," Fenris looked down at his feet, his ears burning in embarassment.

"Sorry," Anders echoed. "Besides, I'm supposed to be feeling for darkspawn, not arguing theology. Right Hawke?" he smiled tentatively.

"Yes, thank you," Gavin smiled slightly and turned back to resume their path.

They continued on, searching every possible corner for any sign of the three missing dwarves. Secretly, Gavin had hoped they would find them quickly, because he didn't want to go that far in. But, it seemed that with each area they moved through, the less likely that would be the case.

"Uhm, Hawke, hold on a moment," Varric put up his hand. They had reached an area that he recognized. One that he hadn't been able to get out of his mind since the last time he was here.

"What's wrong?" Sebastian asked.

"Around that bend there is the first campsite from the last time we were here," the dwarf said quietly and saw Hawke's eyes go wide even as his face lost all color.

Fenris swore loudly as he realized what that meant. "Is there another way around?"

"What is it?" Anders looked between them.

"Carver's cairn is just ahead," Varric said softly, before turning to answer Fenris. "We could probably take this tunnel around it, would add a day-

"No, I want to see it," Gavin interrupted, his voice pained. "I-I need to see it."

Sebastian stepped up and placed a hand on Hawke's shoulder. "If that's what you want, then lead on. Know that you're not alone," he said quietly.

Gavin nodded and swallowed hard before tightening his grip on the staff in his hands and moving forward slowly. In a few minutes he had reached the bend and, taking a deep breath, stepped around it and faced the open area beyond. It was dark, but not so much that he couldn't see the outline of the pile of rocks covering his brother's body.

"It looks completely undisturbed," he whispered as he moved towards it.

Fenris lit the torch he'd brought and a warm light washed over them. In the clear light of the torch, it was easier to see the cairn. It looked the same as when they had left it almost two years ago. He looked closer, studying the ground around it. "Darkspawn have been here, but it seems they have not touched anything."

"Praise the Maker, blessings to his holy bride Andraste," Sebastian said reverently. "The darkspawn are evil and hold nothing sacred. Surely it is only by the Maker's will that your brother's remains are unspoiled by their evil hands."

Hawke went to his knees by the stones and placed on hand on it. The others could see his lips move, but not the words he was speaking. Fenris, standing to the side of him, could see his face and clearly saw the tears that fell. Shifting a little he looked at the others and motioned them away.

"I think we should make camp here for a while," he suggested.

"Yes, that would be a good idea," Sebastian nodded. "Hawke should have as much time as he needs to make his peace."

Anders moved away from them a little, staring intently down the far tunnel. He felt something, but it was a faint presence. Either too far away or too weak to be any trouble for them. Still, he knew he would need to stay on his guard. He returned to the others, "There are darkspawn in the area, but they don't seem to be aware of us yet. I will keep myself alert for if that changes."

It wasn't until supper was almost ready that Hawke rejoined them. He took a seat silently between Fenris and Sebastian. "It smells good," he said quietly, his voice heavy with emotion.

"Dried rabbit stew, House Tethras special," Varric joked and was rewarded with a small smile from him.

"Anders said there are darkspawn about, but not close," Fenris told him.

"So, we'll need to stand watch," Gavin sighed, not really feeling up to it.

"I won't be getting much sleep down here anyway, so I will do double watch," Anders told him. "You rest as much as you want."

Gavin nodded and once he'd finished eating, he set up his bedroll and lay down, wrapping a blanket around his shoulders and staring into the fire. He saw Fenris lay out his own bedroll between him and the far tunnel and felt a warm glow spread through him. It seemed that the elf was determined to protect him, which filled him with hope that perhaps his mother had been right about how he felt about him.

Sebastian meanwhile had gotten up and gone over to the cairn. He said the prayers for the dead, asking the Maker to hold Carver close to his heart and to guard his remains from the evil that lurked below. Once done, he went and set up his bedroll just to the right of Hawke. In this way, no enemy would be able to approach the mage without someone noticing.

Varric, who had joined Anders on watch, grumbled to the healer, "I just hope that this isn't a wild goose chase. If all we find are three dead, stupid dwarves, I will personally rip Yehven a new one for making Hawke go through this."

"Hawke is strong, perhaps the strongest mage I've ever met," Anders told him. "He will come through this better than the rest of us I suspect."

"Blondie, there's only so much pain any man can take," the dwarf argued.

"Hawke will be fine," Anders affirmed.

"Yeah? We'll see, won't we," he shrugged and fell silent, listening to the even breathing of their companions. He really did hope the healer was right.