Chapter 28

Gavin sighed and stretched, then rolled over so he could look at the man sharing his bed. Seeing the other half empty, he sat up quickly, his heart beginning to race. Spying Fenris standing by the fireplace, he breathed a sigh of relief. He was still here, but something told him that all was not right.

"Why are you dressed?" he asked softly.

Fenris turned to face the man who'd given him one of the most memorable nights of his life. With the loss of his fear, Gavin had become quite wild and willing in bed. But, shortly before morning he'd woken with a start, his body shaking as memories flooded his mind. He'd tried to hold on to them, but failed. It had shaken him to his core, and he'd jumped out of bed, dressing quickly with every intention of leaving. Then he'd realized that, after what transpired between him and Hawke, he owed the mage an explanation.

"I, uhm, this is difficult," he finally answered. "Last night was indescribable-"

"I hear a but coming," Gavin stated cautiously.

"I had a disturbing dream," the elf continued slowly. "For a short while I could recall my past. Everything I had forgotten came back to me. Then it was gone."

"What does this have to do with you being up and dressed?"

"I'm sorry Hawke, this is too much," Fenris suddenly blurted. "The feelings, the emotions, the memories and subsequent loss, it's all too much." He backed away towards the door, "I can't deal with this, forgive me."

Shocked, Gavin didn't realize he was leaving until he was almost at the door. In desperation, he lashed out with his magic and created a barrier just in time. Fenris banged off the invisible field and staggered backwards. "I won't let you run from me, from this."

Fenris whirled, his eyes glittering and his markings glowing faintly. "Don't test me mage!"

"Fenris, there comes a time when you have to stop running and face your fears," Gavin said calmly. He got out of bed, unmindfull of his nakedness, and walked forward a ways, his hands held up. "I know it must be scary for you, but I can help you, if you let me."

With an angry growl, the elf lunged forward, crashing into the mage and knocking him to the floor. His markings flared to a brilliant blue as he raised his hand. "Dispel the barrier or pay the price!" He glared down at the man under him, bracing himself for a fight.

Gavin believed in his heart that Fenris wouldn't kill him, but he wasn't positive. Slowly, keeping his gaze locked to the other man, he placed one hand over his heart. "Fenris, I told you that my heart belonged to you, to cherish or crush as you will. Here's my heart. If you want to leave, all you have to do is kill me. Crush my heart and you'll be free to go. Or, you can calm down and we can talk about this like the intelligent beings we are."

He held his breath as the elf raised his hand. When Fenris' markings started to fade, he allowed himself to breathe once more. It wasn't until the other man had moved off him to start pacing in front of the fire that he began to relax. He'd been right.

"I almost killed you, you didn't fight back," Fenris whirled suddenly, fixing a perplexed gaze on him.

"I had to trust in what's between us," Gavin replied as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "I could never hurt you Fenris, even if it cost me my life. I trusted that you cared enough for me that you wouldn't want me dead."

There was that word again, Trust. As far as he could remember, no one had ever used that word towards him. The knowledge that Gavin wouldn't have stopped him from ripping his heart out shook him even more than the events of last night. "I don't know what to do or think about this."

"My father passed away more than eight years ago," Gavin said softly. "I am told that I look and act very much like him. Several times in the last couple of years I have had a hard time remembering him. I have to go and look in a mirror to remind myself. So I know how it feels to not remember something."

"I don't know if I want to remember anything if it causes this much pain," Fenris mumbled, staring down at his feet.

"The fact that you did remember so much is a good sign."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," Gavin rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "According to a book I read once, amnesia is not uncommon in patients who have suffered severe physical or emotional trauma. It has to do with the way the mind copes with so much pain. For most, once the pain has faded the memories return. For others, it usually requires an equally truamatic or emotional experience."

"So, you're saying that my memories will return." Fenris felt a thrill run through him. "The only image that stayed with me was of an elven girl with red hair. I don't know who she is, but I feel that she is important to me."

"Last night caused your subconscious to unlock. This means that the memories will start coming more often and you will eventually be able to recall everything." Gavin stood and walked to stand in front of the elf. "I will be by your side through this. I promise you won't have to go through this alone."

Fenris started to reply when a loud rumble stopped him. His lips quirked, "It seems that you're hungry."

Gavin chuckled, "I worked up an appetite last night. Let's go down to the bathing chamber, clean up and go see what we can scrounge up for breakfast."

Fenris nodded consent. Now that they had talked, he was feeling a little less panicky. Just the knowledge that his memories would eventually return comforted him. Silently, he took his bath beside Gavin and then followed him to the kitchen, sitting and watching as the man cooked up some eggs, sausage, and potatoes. He didn't say anything as they sat and ate until he had finished every bite of food.

"I'm not used to having others care about my feelings," he began slowly, staring at the table. "Ever since you helped me that first time, you've been considerate and even kind, and you've never asked for anything in return. It is something that I didn't think was possible. You challenged me to find out what kind of mage you are."

He looked up to find Gavin staring intently at him. "You are the finest mage, the finest man I have ever known, and I'm glad that you stopped me from leaving. I can only hope to one day be worthy of your trust."

"You already are Fenris," Gavin smiled at him. Before he could say more they were interrupted.

"I'm sorry to bother you Messere, but I have a couple of urgent messages for you," Bodahn stood in the doorway holding out a couple of letters.

"It's okay Bodahn," Gavin took the letters.

"I've already cleaned up the bathing chamber," the dwarf continued. "If you are finished in your room, I will see to cleaning in there."

Gavin nodded his consent as he opened the first letter to find a request from Sebastian. "Why wouldn't he just come himself?"

"Excuse me?" Fenris cocked his head.

"Seb says here he's learned new information about his family's killers and wants to meet me in the Chantry. He'll be there all day." He frowned in confusion and picked up the next letter. As he read it, his eyebrows shot into his hairline.

"Is that good or bad?" Fenris asked, noticing his reaction.

"The Viscount has requested my presence at the Keep," Gavin looked up, surprise on his face. "He says he needs to speak to me in private about a very urgent matter."

"Two urgent letters requesting secret meetings in one day," Fenris frowned. "I get the feeling that trouble is brewing again in Kirkwall."

"Hopefully it's nothing too dire," Gavin stood and picked up the dirty dishes and carried them to the sink. "I've gotten rather used to peace and quiet."

"Not so peaceful or quiet last night," the elf smirked and then chuckled as the mage flushed. "Although it's the kind of disturbance that one could get used to and want more of."

"Fenris making a joke?" Gavin pretended to be shocked. "Where's a calendar, I need to mark the date."

"Stop it," Fenris scowled. "I'm not always serious." He stood up and headed towards the door. "I think we should get going before your head gets filled with more nonsense."

Gavin chuckled and then hurried out the door after him. As they reached the foyer, Fang suddenly bounded over to them, wagging his tail and barking. "Good morning to you too," he squatted down and began petting the dog, speaking nonsense in a silly voice.

Fenris watched, a small smile on his face at the sight of the big man acting as if the huge warhound was a small child. He had a sudden image of Gavin with a little boy that looked just like him. The man would make an amazing father. The thought brought a slight pang to his heart. He wondered if he ever knew his father and if the man was anything like the mage before him. Gavin had said that he was like his father, and for a brief second the elf was filled with jealousy.

He cleared his throat, saying hesitantly, "If you are really like your father was, then I have to say that you were probably one of the luckiest kids in the world." He suddenly flushed at what he said and looked down at his feet, shuffling them nervously.

"That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a long time," Gavin stood up, facing him. "Thank you." He didn't comment on the red cheeks or the shy smile on the elf's face as it would just embarass him.

"So, shall we go see what the Viscount and the prince want?" Fenris said as he moved to pick up his greatsword and sling it across his back.

"Yes," Gavin nodded and motioned for Fang to follow. He stared at the armor that Fenris was wearing as a sudden thought occured to him. "You know Fenris, I was wondering why you wore your armor to dinner." He saw the elf glance nervously at him as they left the estate.

"I came at night and the streets are not safe," he replied evasively.

"Makes sense I guess," Gavin mused, but doubted that was the entire story. "I don't want to sound presumptious, but don't you have other things you could wear?" Seeing the elf beginning to scowl he hastened to explain. "It's just, what would you do if you had to have that armor repaired or something."

"I have a couple pairs of breeches and an extra shirt or two," Fenris shrugged. "I've never had a need for more."

"But they wouldn't be good for roaming Kirkwall streets at night," he nodded. They continued to walk for a while in silence. "Why haven't you bought a spare set of armor?" he finally asked.

Fenris came to a sudden stop. "Why the interest in my wardrobe all of a sudden?" he asked in annoyance.

"Just curiousity, nothing more," Gavin held up his hands. "I'm sorry, I'll shut up now."

The elf sighed in exasperation and ran a hand through his hair. Lowering his voice so those passing them by couldn't hear, he said, "I don't shop around here, the people make me feel self-conscious and out of place. And the Lowtown markets don't have any good quality merchandise." He paused and then said in a barely audible whisper, "Also, I don't really know how to barter, so I'm afraid I'll get cheated."

Gavin looked at the elf, suddenly feeling like a heel for pushing the subject. He cleared his throat, "If you want, I can come with you to buy these things. I can show you how to barter and help keep the merchants honest. Also, if anyone dares to look at you the wrong way, I'll be more than happy to rearrange their faces for you," he finished with a smirk.

Fenris looked up, expecting to see mockery in the other man's eyes, but only finding honesty. He smiled at Gavin. "I think I would like that Hawke."

"Good, then we can do that later today after we finish our business," Gavin nodded and then resumed walking. "You will be coming for dinner tonight, right?"

"Yes, and I expect you to be ready and willing to service my every need and whim," Fenris growled, then chuckled as his words threw the mage off stride.

Gavin looked back at the elf with a foolish grin, even as his stomach seemed to fill with butterflies. "Your wish is my command," he said.

Fenris couldn't keep from smiling all the way to the Viscount's Keep. Even having to wait outside the offices and being eyed like a lowly manservant couldn't dampen his spirits. He had learned last night just how much Gavin liked to be commanded and controlled. It was a heady feeling to know that he had that kind of power over a mage, especially one as powerful as Hawke. However, he vowed to not let it ever go to his head. Gavin's trust meant more to him than anything in the world and he had no intention of ever abusing that trust. He couldn't wait until night came.