The Captives
Chapter 7 Archer – The investigation
Disclaimer: Enterprise and it's characters are property of CBS/Paramount.
Time-line: Takes place a year after Terra Prime (January 2155) in the beginning of the year 2156, the start of the Earth-Romulan war (2156-2160).
This chapter starts a few days before Archer's call to Trip in chapter 5.
Summary: Oneof Earth's colonies has been attacked and Captain Archer has ordered Trip back to Earth. This chapter is from Archer's point of view and occurs a couple of days earlier.
Author's note: Thanks to my beta, KKGlinka
San Francisco, Starfleet Headquarters –
He looked at the woman sitting opposite of him. She had long, curly, blond hair that fell gently beside her pretty face. Her blue eyes were shining with a joy for life and she smiled with a set of pearly perfect teeth. Her whole pose was charming, from the almost musical tone of her voice, pronouncing her English with a soft Swedish accent down to the way she was dressed in nicely fitted clothes with fashionable boots.
During the interview he noticed again that she was smart, intelligent and very capable in engineering. She had finished her studies cum laude at the University of Grådamma in Stockholm and had a degree in astronomics. She had plenty of relevant working experience. To make the picture perfect, she came from a European country, a bit of diversity Starfleet lacked in its ranks.
She even looked like the woman he imagined when he was young and his mother red read him his favorite poem: The song of the Wandering Aengus. So there was not a single reason to dislike her.
But he did. He just hated her from the moment he saw her blond hair and shiny blue eyes. It was a dislike he couldn't explain. But he hid it well. He wasn't fool enough to let her go.
He looked at her chart. Miss Rianna Olovsdotter Thott. Born in Hammersta, Sweden. "So, Miss Tot," he began to say. He knew he said her name wrong. She hadn't corrected him, but already it irritated him. "I am happy to inform you, you passed all the tests with flying colors. On behalf of the crew: Welcome aboard the Enterprise. Your rank will be Lieutenant Junior Grade, based on your previous experience. Commander Tucker, the chief engineer is not in San Francisco, but Lieutenant Kelby will lead the introduction course."
He gave her the PADD with all the instructions. "If you have any questions, just contact him."
"It will be an honor to serve with you, Captain Archer and with the rest of the crew," Lieutenant Thott answered, taking the PADD. She gave him a lovely smile. He noticed his whole body tensed in response to her friendliness, but it was her almost hypnotic blue eyes that made him very nervous.
"Thank you," he said to end the conversation and Thott, understanding his hint, stood up and left with an adieu.
He closed the door behind her, taking a moment alone in his office at Starfleet Headquarters. He went to the window. He had a great view of the ocean, but no clear blue waters shown this day; a gray fog dimmed the horizon.
The gray day suited his mood. He felt more than tired. All his bones were aching. He walked toward his desk. He should get some work done, never mind his restless night. He wasn't really helping himself by procrastinating. He noticed that lately he stayed up late and postponed his bedtime every night.
His pacing was interrupted by his secretary, Janine Grey.
"I got you some tea, Captain," she said, opening the door with her foot and holding a cup of steaming tea in her hand. "I mailed you Thott's application report. We're still waiting for some additional documents."
She put the tea on his desk and looked at him. "Headache, sir? I can get you some aspirin if you wish."
He thanked her for the tea and said that he was okay. He didn't realize how he looked until he went to the bathroom and saw his pallor and puffy eyes. Janine must have thought he had a hang-over. It felt that way, but he hadn't touched his bourbon for a long time. He had no one to share it with.
He worked 'til five, until another boring workday had come to an end. He traveled home thinking that if he spent another week being a paper pusher for Starfleet Headquarters, he was going to look for another job. He wanted to be back in space, doing the only job he really wanted as captain of a Starship.
The repair and refitting of the ship was almost complete. The reorganization of Starfleet was going well and their enemies were out there. Why was Starfleet waiting?
He watched water polo, while eating Chinese. He was debating how to answer Hensenius Black. Black had sent an email yesterday, concerning the situation with T'Pol. Black had supported him throughout the years. He didn't think he got the job because he was Henry Archer's son like some others in Starfleet Command, which meant a lot to him, being annoyed by the suggestion alone. He activated his communication terminal, went to the messages sent through the secure channel, and read Black's letter again.
"Jon,
I just finished reading your list of personnel for Enterprise. Iknow that crew appointment is the captain's prerogative and choice, but I would like to express my opinion.
I noticed that you put Commander Tucker as second in command and Lieutenant Commander Reed as third. I don't question the abilities of both men, but this is not what we agreed upon with the Vulcans. I want to bring this to your attention, also because you, as Captain, were partially responsible for the situation.
I cannot express how important it is for Earth at this time - when we are at the threshold of war - to do our utmost to maintain a good relationship with Vulcan. We hope that Vulcan would support us in the likely event of war and I am telling you nothing new that they have far more ships than us. We have only a small fleet and a lot of untrained Boomers.
We would be fools to allow this to alienate us from our allies, just because we refuse to stick to a deal, which helped us in the first place. In addition, Ambassador Soval has strongly suggested placing Commander T'Pol back on Enterprise after the matter was done. People will explain her absence from Starfleet in terms of her needing time to recuperate from her prolonged exposure to Humanity on Vulcan, but it would only cause more unpleasant rumors if she didn't return to Enterprise.
My years of experience cause me to believe that despite the investigation, I don't have all the facts, nor am I demanding them. But I will say that Commander T'Pol was a Starfleet officer by your choice and I assume you had good reason for it. Regardless of our sincere need to retain the Vulcans as our allies, along with the other Coalition members, Starfleet has done its level best to stand on its own two feet. It's hard to claim we were doing that when we hung her out to dry. On a personal note, I think it's a very human thing to give people a second chance, a cultural practice we might share with the Vulcans. I know I was happy I got one. I have spoken to many in Starfleet Command and they are leaning toward pardoning T'Pol and reinstating her rank of Commander, if you're willing to take her back on as your executive officer. I think we'd all be happy to have this unpleasant matter diplomatically resolved.
With Regard,
Admiral Hensenius Black, SFC
Jon had received messages like these this before, from admirals with different plans for T'Pol, but also from admirals like Black, who wanted to stick to the deal. Th deal was made a year ago, when Arling from Internal Affairs investigated what what appeared to be an unprecedented case of fraternization between two senior officers. Arling also uncovered something else that had changed T'Pol's life for the last year.
With three simple clicks, Archer retrieved his logs from that time at his computer and while reading, he once again experienced that one fateful day.
Starfleet Headquarters, 10 days after the events of Terra Prime -
He was standing in a room within the Department of Internal Affairs, a couple of minutes before a new investigation meeting would start. After the events of Terra Prime, Starfleet Internal affairs and Starfleet Intelligence had searched through every book, picture, notebook and computer file they could find. Every member of the crew was questioned, but the information they found led them to interrogate Trip and T'Pol most intensively.
There had already been several gatherings and as captain of Enterprise he had been asked to join this one, together with Doctor Phlox. He was early and so was the Denobulan. It was deliberate, because Phlox wanted to talk with him.
"Captain, I understand the need for Starfleet to gather as much information as possible about Terra Prime, but as a doctor it's my opinion that too much strain is being put on Commanders Tucker and T'Pol. They are both grieving and in a very emotionally fragile state."
"They seem to be doing alright, doctor. They went to the conference afterward and gave their speeches. They are professionals and trained to work under stress."
Phlox refuted him. "Commander T'Pol left the minute she could in an abrupt manner. A clear sign for someone who knows her as I do and I have spoken with Commander Tucker about the conference. He hardly remembered being there."
"I already planned to give them some time off, after the investigation," he reassured Phlox. "I know this is a difficult time for them, but I am confident they will manage. The worst thing that could happen now is that Starfleet places them on different ships." In truth, he thought that to be the best option.
Phlox didn't react to his reply, because Lieutenant Arling and his assistant from Internal Affairs entered the room, together with Trip and T'Pol. With Phlox's remarks fresh in his mind, he observed the couple more closely.
T'Pol was still dressed in her Vulcan robe, which she had wrapped around her as if it were a shield. She was silent and withdrawn, sadness radiating from her eyes. T'Pol's posture was still straight as any other Vulcan's, but it lacked the conviction that he had seen in the past.
Trip looked tired. His tight gaze told the story of sorrow, aggravated by political stress.
He had always been amused by the way Trip and T'Pol danced around each other, but he had a hard time understanding where they were stood in terms of a relationship. Maybe they didn't know either. Jon had figured out that they probably had been involved in the past, an assumption that was confirmed by the investigation. The team had found pictures of Trip and T'Pol, taken by Terra Prime. He remembered staring at the picture of his two officers kissing each other passionately on the beach and being surprised by T'Pol's behavior. He concluded their relationship was a summer love, that ended badly.
He assumed that it was taking Trip and T'Pol awhile to be just friends again and to realize that only friendship was possible between them. They were friends, but sometimes he saw a glimmer of more. Something he couldn't explain. Like the time in sickbay, when Trip and T'Pol were united in the care for the child. He looked at them, and saw how they seemed to understand each other without words, like they had formed a world of their own. He had felt like an outsider.
Right now they were sitting next to each other, as always. When Arling rose to talk, he noticed Trip give T'Pol a smile of encouragement. She relaxed at bit. Her whole demeanor softened when she looked back.
Arling was a balding, blond and skinny man in his thirties. His brown eyes perceived the world around him with a critical eye, needed if you worked in Internal Affairs. His mission was to find the truth and this time the real story behind Terra Prime. What a ugly truth it was.
"Terra Prime's main theme was keeping Earth pristine for Humans. Aliens were not to be trusted, because they could grow to have too much power on Earth, like the Vulcans." Arling began his recap of the investigation.
"Aliens might attack Earth, like the Xindi, even occupy it by force. The last thing was the goal of every alien species, according to Terra Prime. Starfleet and the governments of Earth supporting the presence of alien species didn't see the danger and handed Earth on a platter to every alien. Discovering something they had long feared, that a Human would become romantically involved with a alien, was the biggest threat because it came from within, the beginning of mixing Humans with abnormal species." Arling summarized.
With more emotion in his voice he continued, "In my opinion being truly Human encompasses the values we share and the thinking that makes us uniquely human. Not our genetic make-up."
After a short pause Arling went on, "Fear of tainting our genetic purity, what was unique to Humanity made Terra Prime start a propaganda-war, mixing information they had gathered about Commanders Tucker and T'Pol with slander, fear mongering and false information. Some of these stories were ridiculous, like the one that Commander Tucker has a mental hook in his brain, which makes him obey Vulcan mind control. In my opinion, the child was part of a plan to discredit Starfleet, being a symbol of the dreaded inter-species mixing and the so-called alien take-over. It also gave Terra Prime an opportunity to make headlines. Starfleet has done its best to dismantle the organization, but false information is hard to stop."
Phlox cut through the silence that followed. "So the child was used as a ploy to sow political unrest."
T'Pol said compassionately, "They didn't care about her wellbeing."
"Who cares what they think, T'Pol," Trip responded, "She was important to us and that's all that should matter."
Arling waved them to be silent. "Regarding our investigation of Commander Tucker and T'Pol, it's clear they violated the regulations regarding non-fraternization. Those are in place for a reason. After Starfleet command deals with this final matter, the books can be closed."
Trip looked quickly to T'Pol. She was holding a data padd with both hands firmly and she looked paler then normal. Trip turned to Arling and said "Finally. So, basically we're free to go. Goodbye gentlemen."
Before he could put his words into action, Arling interjected, "Not so fast, Commander. There is one more issue that needs to be resolved, because it could stir up a more dangerous amount of trouble for the Coalition in the future."
Trip dropped back in his chair. Head slightly bent, staring at the table, a frown on his face. Then he asked Arling permission for a short break. Arling granted them five minutes. In those five minutes, he and Phlox checked their notes. In the corner of his eye, Jon saw Trip and T'Pol turn to each other. They didn't touch or speak, only looked at each other, as if seeking comfort that way. He saw T'Pol release her grip on the datapadd, placing it on the table and Trip's posture grew less rigid.
Arling reopened the meeting by handing doctor Phlox a PADD. "Terra Prime has obtained classified information that they intended to use in their propaganda. Could you please identify this material?"
Phlox looked at the PADD and for the first time since Jon had known the smiling doctor, he turned pale. "It's a copy of both commanders' medical files. It's highly classified. This is a violation of doctor-patient confidentiality. You can't use this information."
"On the contrary, Doctor, the files are property of Starfleet and can be used as we see fit, especially when part of a legal investigation. These were copied from the your medical database, the same day the DNA-samples were stolen. We have reason to believe a person of the Medical Department is responsible," Arling remonstrated.
"There is nothing in that file that Terra Prime can use," Trip objected.
"Not your file, however much they found the cloning-story intriguing. It was Commander T'Pol's file that got their interest. Doctor, in February 2154, Commander T'Pol was the acting captain during the Xindi attack in the Expanse, when Captain Archer was on Azati Prime. Is it your professional opinion that she was capable of command at that time?"
All of a sudden, the whole atmosphere of the room changed. He saw shock in Phlox's eyes and Trip exchanged a worried look with T'Pol.
"Commander T'Pol was always a very capable officer," Phlox answered.
"Regardless of her medical condition?"
"Her medical condition... I admit that at that time Commander T'Pol was suffering from an illness. The environment in the Expanse made it worse. After she was brutally attacked on a telepathic level, she was in some degree of shock..."
Arling interrupted, taking the doctor's lead, and asked him to elaborate. "Other people were attacked by the woman Rajiin as well. Did they experience the same symptoms?"
Phlox knew the direction Arling was heading. "They were similar, but Vulcans are naturally more resistant to telepathic assault. In my opinion, the severity of her symptoms indicated pointed malice on Rajiin's part."
"You stated in your report that you were surprised she was attacked in the first place."
"Yes, because Rajiin needed the information for creating a biological weapon against Humans, based on their blood types. So why attack a genetically dissimilar alien? To begin with, Vulcan blood is copper based."
Arling nodded as if he were satisfied with his answers, then shifted his attention. "Captain Archer, you stated in your report that you thought that Rajiin was forced to attack the crew in order to gather information, thereby acting under duress. At any point, did she state or otherwise indicate that she was seeking asylum?"
"I stand by my report, Lieutenant. In a way, she was a victim. We all deserve a second chance, but if you don't mind, I think we're getting side-tracked. Rajiin has nothing to do with Terra Prime."
"It was a interesting notion." Arling turned to Phlox. "One more question, Doctor, I wondered if Commander T'Pol suffered excessive or undue pain, because the cause of her illness was also a telepathic attack."
Trip didn't let the doctor answer. "Sorry, but do you really think it's necessary at this time to bring this up? T'Pol has been through enough lately."
"I think you should let Lieutenant Arling do his job, Trip," Jon reprimanded Trip.
Trip gave him a disgruntled look. "Well, I object against his line of questioning, Captain."
Arling altered his course of interrogation. "Doctor, I would like a full report about the effects of the attack from every angle. But now to the aftermath of the attack. What happened next?"
Phlox looked to the other side of the table to T'Pol. She and Trip had been moving closer to each other. T'Pol gave Phlox a small nod and he continued.
"Commander T'Pol recovered, but she was in great pain. I had studied the effects of Trillium D on the crew and had noticed some elements helped alleviate extreme pain, especially the CX34T-component. I administered a medicine based on this component to Commander T'Pol. I explained that the medicine was a one time solution. Based on my observation of the Seleya's crew, the compound is potentially addictive and mind-altering. I didn't want to take that risk, but T'Pol is a fully qualified scientist, and I came to my attention that she had. I helped her recover."
Jon was shocked. He looked at T'Pol as if seeing her for the first time. First her affair with Trip. Now this. Was anything he had believed about T'Pol true?
Arling proved his credentials, with the insight, "Then you were aware the substance was addictive. Our own laboratories have analyzed the compound as well, since this investigation began and preliminary findings suggest it may be immediately addictive upon initial exposure, at least, on Vulcan subjects. Upon your own further analysis, did you take into consideration that Commander T'Pol might have become addicted during her exposure to the base substance while aboard the Seleya?"
Phlox staggered. "I considered that option, but ruled it out. During my tenure on the Enterprise, crewmen were frequently exposed to volatile agents. The most I could ever do was check for potential ill effects, perform neurological scans and hope for the best. I did as much for T'Pol and all results came back normal. At the time of her examination, I saw no evidence of continued neuro-chemical imbalance, but yes, strictly speaking, it's possible."
Arling came back to his original question. "We know for sure that the component is like morphine. It takes away the pain, but it's also addictive and mind-altering. In her medical report, you stated that she confessed that the drug was affecting her. So I repeat my question, do you think Commander T'Pol was, at that time, capable of commanding Enterprise? Remember, she took command in a battle situation that ended in the death of 15 crewmen."
Phlox hesitated. "Lieutenant, I can't medically determine that without a long-term double-blind study of the drugs effect on Vulcan subjects. While she demonstrated some emotional instability, due to environmental stresses, I did not believe it was any greater than that of her fellow crewmen. I saw no reason to assume at the time that the compound possessed a mind-altering effect beyond a manageable addiction common to many legal pain medications. That's why I didn't report it."
"We feel differently," Arling said. "You described Commander T'Pol in your medical report as shaken, disturbed and emotional. Do you still agree with your observations?"
Phlox desperately tried to find a right answer. "She was emotional, yes."
"Is an emotional Vulcan, who admitted to you that the drugs affected her, normal or in control by even the standards of her own people?"
Phlox looked more uncomfortable by the minute. His smile was long gone. "I believe her control was less, but..."
Arling issued a litany of questions, first to Phlox and then to him, as Captain of Enterprise. Jon tried to defend T'Pol, she always been a good first officer, but his answers sounded weak.
After Arling had questioned him, he turned to Trip. "What about you, Commander Tucker, did you know about Commander T'Pol's addiction?"
"You should address me," T'Pol cut him off. "I will answer honestly. Commander Tucker was just recently informed. The doctor treated me in good trust. The Captain was unaware of the situation. I used the substance and I am fully responsible for my actions, Lieutenant and I accept any consequences or charges that may result."
Arling was not surprised by T'Pol reaction. "I was trying to get a medical view and the opinion of your fellow officers. With all the information we've gathered, we have reason to believe that you were under the influence of a mind-altering substance. I have no alternative but to report this to Starfleet Command."
Trip interjected, "She was a volunteer at that time. A Vulcan civilian. She wasn't really Starfleet. She wasn't a Vulcan liaison. She was responsible only to Captain Archer!"
Arling had a different point of view. "On the contrary, she received a field commission. Furthermore, she is a career officer who joined the Vulcan military many years ago. That's a lifetime commitment. She took an oath of duty and that solemn promise that is at stake, Commander."
T'Pol responded, "I take that oath very seriously, Lieutenant, but you cannot hold me accountable on that alone. Commander Tucker is correct. I resigned my commission as Subcommander."
"You submitted a request to High Command, but we double-checked on that. They never approved it. I regret to inform you but, as far as they're concerned, you were absent without leave."
"But..." T'Pol faltered.
"What?" Trip was blown away.
"This certainly would complicate things," Jon concluded. He heard Trip mumble something about bad luck never running out and the worst day of his life.
Phlox was the first to put everybody's thought into words. "So this means Commander T'Pol can be judged by Vulcan courts for actions take on Starfleet's behalf? This is very bad news, isn't Lieutenant? It doesn't look well for Commander T'Pol, I mean?" Phlox asked Arling.
"I can't predict the outcome, Doctor Phlox," Arling answered, "but yes, it does mean that Commander T'Pol falls under the jurisdiction of Vulcan military court." Then, with a few words, he closed the meeting, leaving all of them flabbergasted by the turn of events.
Jon didn't had get much time to think, because within a couple of hours of that interrogation, he was called to an emergency meeting. Senator Ellen Tenson, the Starfleet Liaison for Vulcan Affairs and Admiral Hensensius Black, who were informed, like the others in Starfleet Command, joined him.
Ellen Tenson was a woman in her fifties, a former assistant to president Samuels. Most noticeable about her was her red hair, with some gray streaks, that she wore in a bun. She was friendly, but Jon had already learned that Tenson always put the interest of Samuels and her vision of Starfleet first and her will was as tough as steel. Black, a man in his sixties, was his usual quiet self.
Tenson didn't mince words. "The current situation calls for swift action. On Earth anti-alien and anti-Vulcan sentiments are running high. Starfleet is under tremendous pressure. We can't have another scandal. Terra Prime was planning to spread the word that a crack-head Vulcan officer caused the death of 15 Humans under her command. Of course, people don't always believe Terra Prime, but what if some journalist starts to do his job and investigates this? What are we going to say? Yes, we know, she was taking drugs and shouldn't command the ship, but hey, we value our Vulcan relationship more than Human lives. We have rules, but the law doesn't apply to Vulcans working in Starfleet? There would be an outrage and rightly so. This could damage the Coalition beyond repair."
Jon tried to put things in a different light. He was shaken in his trust of T'Pol, but he remembered his mistakes in the Expanse too well. "Look, T'Pol always helped us in the past. She is a good officer. You must not forget, the Expanse took a toll on all of us. Beforehand, after discovering one of their lost ships we knew the Expanse could have terrible effects on Vulcans." And she had been the one to warn him, to advise him to leave her behind.
"But it was her choice to join the mission. Her decision," Tenson rebutted.
Before Jon could prepare a suitable argument, Admiral Black said, "I agree that we need to take these circumstances into consideration."
Tenson took the lead again. "The Chief Medical Officer, Captain and Commanders Tucker and T'Pol have been investigated by Internal Affairs. From what I've heard, we have a court martial in order," Tenson said with iron conviction. "After we finish that, we should release Commander T'Pol to the Vulcan Embassy. She is a Vulcan citizen and if this ever becomes public, we'll need to prove we did our best to offer a fair and honest trial for ever person in Starfleet, no matter what species, and that everyone is judged by the regulations of their home planet."
Tenson's main concern appeared that nobody outside should know about the situation, to avoid worsening the negative public opinion of Starfleet and the Coalition. To that end, she suggested creating a distraction, or like she told Jon and Black, "something the media can chew on, while they are kept in the dark about the real deal going on. I remember reading that Commander T'Pol admitted she broke up with Commander Tucker. It may seem crass, but people just love gossip, especially about a beautiful alien."
Admiral Black's eyes became dark. "Are you suggesting that we drag two good officers into the mud, so the media can have a field day? Wouldn't we be doing the same thing as Terra Prime did?"
"We do it for a good cause. The protection of the Coalition."
"And I am sure, Senator, Terra Prime is thinking their activities are for the good of humanity. If we use the same techniques, values as our enemy, what is the difference? Promise me, Senator, you will not go down this road."
Tenson gave Black her word.
As Tenson predicted, the combined result was a swift court martial. Phlox was charged with negligence, but as an exchange officer escaped formal penalty. Ultimately, Starfleet determined that he had done nothing wrong beyond permitting a busy senior officer to forestall regular medical examinations. Jon was cleared of any wrong-doing and Trip was deemed a victim of a mentally imbalanced superior officer. But T'Pol was dishonorably discharged on charges of not only fraternizing with a subordinate officer, but possession and use of a mind-altering substance.
Trellium wasn't a controlled substance on Earth so she hadn't broken any laws, nor was she a Earth citizen. As Ellen Tenson had urged, she was released to the Vulcan Embassy. Most officers Archer knew in Command had assumed the embarrassing matter finished. It hadn't been.
In the absence of Ambassador Soval, who attended some urgent family business on Vulcan, the embassy extradited T'Pol to Vulcan, where she endured a second military tribunal. From there the details were sketchy owing to the Vulcan's continuing secrecy toward internal matters.
The main reason to judge her from what Archer could gather, was that she was guilty of illogic somehow, involving laws based on Surak's teachings. Sometimes he wondered if her people even knew what the word logic meant. Of course, her past relationship with a Human, using a chemical substance and endangering the lives of the crew as their commanding officer all had play in her verdict. All his information and perhaps the residue of Surak's katra made him think she had been condemned due to her failure to demonstrate appropriate willpower and self-restraint, regardless of circumstance, in favor of personal indulgences. Whatever her sentence meant, it resulted in a twelve month prison term. He had thought it was probably a mere formality, a proverbial slap on the wrist just as Trip had received for conduct unbecoming an officer.
He had been so wrong. Back in the present, he tried to shake the horrible feeling he got thinking about the impact those past twelve months had made on T'Pol. Three weeks ago T'Pol was released. She had requested to speak with him concerning her future in Starfleet, probably the only place she could go.
T'Pol was a mere shadow of the woman he had left behind. He didn't know what they had done to her. He wasn't good at reading T'Pol or any Vulcan, but he never had seen her so... disturbed. She was acting odd, almost of out character. Like she was frozen in ice, a fury turned to stone, but unlike any Vulcan, her face was, in contrast to her actions, almost emotional.
He didn't know if there was room for T'Pol on the ship, because he hated the political hassle surrounding her. He didn't know if she could handle serving on a starship again and he had trouble with the idea of trusting her completely, like he used to do.
If only he could be an explorer again and things would return to normality.
Back in space on his own ship, he would be happy again and everything would be fine, like the good old times on Enterprise.