.viii
*
「Why do you have so much faith in me, Merlin?」
「I know you'll always do what you think is right.」
At the time, Arthur had agreed.
*
Merlin was in the forest where the Fae lived.
The trees were not that of an autumn ending, but lush with green, the fading forest path edged with rotten gold. There was no birdsong, and Merlin rubbed his eyes with the heel of a palm. He could not see the sky from where he stood, and his wings brushed the tree bark, feathers catching. He was naked.
The path led through the circle of pale mushrooms in the middle of the clearing, and perhaps it was the trick of the light, but Merlin could not see where it continued. The world wavered, as if his eyes were not accustomed to seeing, his ears gone deaf. There was hollowness in the glade, as if all the magic had been sucked from the air and the earth, leaving it without life.
Something moved in the corner of his vision and Merlin turned quickly, catching sight a brown cloak and a flash of red fabric.
「Arthur?」
The wind curled around his cheek, a caress with a hint of gold that said, Emrys…
「Who's there?」
You're not supposed to be here. the voice echoed, be here, be here, be here…
「Arthur?」
No.
「Will?」 tried Merlin, desperately, unable to hear the voice as it reverberated within his head like the echo of a bell.
A pause.
Will is not your destiny.
There was something he needed to do, something he needed to ask…something about Will? But Merlin couldn't remember, his own thoughts dancing just out of reach, hazy, his feet moving listlessly, listlessly, chasing the speed of the seasons. He was trapped in this moment and this moment only, isolated from the past and held suspended in the amber space between present and future.
「I need to save Will,」 Merlin said, uncertainly.
You can't save everyone.
「Who are you?」 cried Merlin, as he caught sight of another shadow and another flash of red and brown, the sound of boots falling soft on leaves strewn earth; the only sound he could hear with his ears, disorientating.
「Arthur?」 he called out again, 「Arthur, I think I'm lost. It's not funny anymore.」
He swore he saw gold hair and the quirk of a smile, darting ahead of him around the edge of the clearing, disappearing into the path on the other side and Merlin ran after him, hitting his shoulder and elbows on the trunk of trees, the leaves and branches trying to twist around his ankles.
「I want to go home now, Arthur- you win, okay? You win, Arthur- I want-」
Wind whistled past his face like a ghost.
Who would you rather, who would you rather, rather, rather, Emrys? sang the voice and he tried to block it out of his head, chasing Arthur through the circle of mushrooms now, through the unclear mist that hung about the ground and onto the path through the other side. He didn't know how long he ran, but his sides ached with it and his legs felt as if they would soon give out, stumbling amongst the leaves until Merlin was sure he couldn't go on for much longer, but Arthur's footsteps could still be heard, run, run, Emrys, run and then he saw-
Merlin had seen mirrors before, of course, but not one as large as this. There was a small brass-framed mirror in Arthur's room, hanging on top of a tall cabinet. Mirrors were expensive, and one day, when Arthur was still out training with his knights, Merlin had stood on tip toe and lifted the mirror from its hook on the wall and stared into it. He had never seen his own face before – only ever reflections in rippling water.
This mirror was as tall as he was, resting on a large golden stand in the middle of the path, glittering and beautiful. The wide gilded frame was carved with curving patterns, the deeper grooves green with moss.
Arthur was nowhere to be seen.
Merlin stepped cautiously up to the mirror, filling its frame with his wings as he reached out tentatively until his palm rested against the smooth, cold surface.
「Hello, then.」
Merlin eyes snapped up to meet the ones of his reflection.
Merlin felt his heart stop. His reflection looked back at him steadily with eyes the colour of molten gold. Merlin wanted to draw back, but his hand could not be moved, and he watched as his reflection shifted, its own hand detaching itself away from Merlin's and waving, lazily.
「Who are you?」 asked Merlin to his reflection, words riding out on a breath.
The Merlin in the mirror examined his own hands for a moment, flexing pale slender fingers. He rolled his eyes.
「I'm you,」 he said, 「Or rather, your magic. I'm the real you.」
「My magic?」 repeated Merlin, eyes wide.
「You are my shadow,」 it said, cocking its head to one side, eyes glittering with something like envy.
Merlin wanted to back away. His hand still refused to budge and he flinched when his mirror self suddenly threw himself at the surface of the mirror, both fists raised, face contorted in an expression Merlin had never thought he could make. And as his fists hit the mirror, Merlin felt the fabric of the worlds shiver and shake with the force of its anger.
「You need to let me out,」 it said, eyes still burning molten gold, 「I won't be kept here for much longer. I won't. You won't survive it.」
「I don't understand-「
It threw its arms wide in a mocking gesture.
「You're dead, Emrys! You threw your destiny away, as if you could.」
「Will-「
「Destiny was never meant to be broken. Will was meant to die so Arthur could live, but you intervened now you are dead and destiny cannot continue! Why do you think you're here? You are In Between, you cannot go back and you cannot go on because Will was meant to die.」
「No,」 said Merlin, shaking his head and the mirror shuddered beneath his fingers at his refusal, 「No.」
「Arthur will soon die without me,」 said his mirror-self, his magic- 「And I without him.」
「He won't die,」 said Merlin, 「We're just hunting in the woods. He'll be back to taunt me soon, the pra-」
This time, when his magic spoke, it was inside his head and out, a screaming, roaring voice that tried to break free from the confines of his bones, made Merlin screw his eyes shut in pain:
「You're trapped here, can't you see you fool? We don't belong here!」
「Stop, stop, shut up-」
「LET ME OUT.」
「I won't, stop, stop, stop-」
「I love him! I love him! How can you separate us? I'll die! I'll die!」 – and then there were hands, fingers bruising tight around his wrists, shoulders, shaking him, shaking him, 「Take me back. I'm going to take us back, need, love, I can't- I won't- ARTHUR!」
Merlin's soul buckled.
Later, he would remember nothing.
*
Arthur could feel Morgana's gaze from where he stood by the cottage door, a searing heat. He didn't know whether the displaced feeling in his chest was because a sorcerer, people who he had been taught to hate from birth, saved his life- or the fact that Merlin obviously knew and didn't tell him. Magic corrupts, came his Father's voice, a mantra that had been part of his life, part of Camelot, for as long as he could remember. And yet Will had saved his life, Will who hated the nobility and hated Arthur-
It made no sense.
But Will was dying and Merlin was likely never to forgive him.
Arthur didn't know what to think – the doubt that had long since been eating away at the once stone solid faith that magic was evil, and therefore all who practice it were evil also. Will had gone against all these principles, and now Arthur didn't know what to think. And now it made sense, the way Merlin would refuse to watch the executions, face drawn and pale for days afterward. Merlin, who had grown up alongside a magic-user, must see sorcerers in a different light. Perhaps-
There was a sudden commotion within the cottage, and then Will's voice - Will's- was shouting, screaming:
「Merlin! Merl-」
Arthur crashed through the door, and froze at the scene which greeted him.
Will was half kneeling on the floor, very much alive and well, holding-
Arthur stared for a moment, unable to comprehend what he was seeing, hand at the hilt of his sword.
Merlin was on the floor, limbs loose and limp, eyes closed.
And there were wings. White, white feathers that splayed across the dirt floor, wings that sprouted from Merlin's thin shoulder blades like those of a great bird, surrounding the two figures in white. It wasn't white like cloth was white, or even the shine of finest silk. It wasn't white like snow was white, but rather shade so pure, the sight of it knocked the air from Arthur's lungs.
Then he noticed the bloom of red across Merlin's shirt.
「What did you do to him?」
Arthur had crossed the room before he knew it and pulled Merlin from Will's grasp, a wing folding against his shoulder, the feathers brushing soft against his cheek. Merlin's pulse fluttered weakly against his throat. His shirt was intact- there was no rip where the arrow might have gone through, and after splitting it down the middle with his knife, Arthur found the entry wound of an arrow; a dark hole surrounded by blood. He stared at Will. Where the arrow wound had been on his chest, there was only a faint pink scar.
Then, quietly, Merlin's breaths faltered and stopped.
And something in Arthur pulled taut, a sharp tug , a steel weight had ripping at his heartstrings, tearing a terrible cry from his throat. His own heartbeat lurched painfully within his chest as he clutched Merlin tighter in his arms, disbelieving, pressing two shaking fingers to the pale curve of Merlin's throat. Nothing. Nothing.
「What?」 said Will, face still grey but the colour rapidly returning to his features while Merlin grew paler and paler before Arthur's eyes, 「I don't-」
Arthur had his long hunting knife at Will's throat before he could finish, blood pounding in his ears, the fear a cold fist clenched around his heart. In that moment, he suddenly understood why he never knew his mother; how one man could be driven to anything, everything, for the death of a loved one. And Merlin never even knew-
「What did you do, sorcerer? You were dying! That wound was fatal and Merlin was fine, TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE DONE,」 snarled Arthur, pressing the sharp blade so that it drew a trickle of blood from Will's neck. Not as much as the blood that coated his left hand at Merlin's chest, slick warm, trying to staunch the bleeding, he was still bleeding. Oh gods, Merlin.
「You don't fucking understand what's going on!」 Will shouted, just as loudly, spitting in Arthur's face and Arthur let Merlin slide to the ground, limp and cradled in feathers, to punch Will hard across the face.
The other man staggered back into the table, hands groping for something to use as a weapon but Arthur was faster, the tip of his sword at Will's chest, just above the heart. There was an odd stillness around Arthur. He could feel it like the caress of fog, stagnant and frozen in the frenzy of grief and rage and denial. It was as if he was detached, an observer to the ringing roar of emptiness in his own ears.
「It's not my secret to tell,」 said Will, face contorted with fury, 「but this wasn't my doing.」
「I know magic when I see it,」 said Arthur, voice cold and calm, mind joining the dots, 「Did you sacrifice Merlin's life for yours? He was your friend.」
「I said it wasn't me!」 shouted Will into Arthur's face, 「He must have sacrificed himself to save my life, the fool, I-「
Arthur pressed the blade harder against Will's chest, letting the metal sink through fabric and meet flesh. Just the slightest bit more pressure… Merlin would never know. He would never-
「Undo it,」 he said.
Will stared at him for a moment, then laughed, throwing his head back. Arthur saw red.
「You really don't know,」 said Will, and it wasn't a question, 「I guess Merlin just didn't trust you at all, did he?」
「Undo it!」 said Arthur again, voice rising to a near scream at Will's refusal, 「Undo it or I will kill you. Your life means nothing to me!」
「You're going to kill me anyway, Pendragon. And Merlin will have died in vain, you stupid arrogant-」
「You killed him in cold blood to save your own skin!」
「If you hadn't interfered, none of this would have happened,」 retorted Will, and Arthur almost flinched backwards. 「He was too good for you anyway,」 continued Will, voice spiteful with anguish; though all Arthur heard was a taunting adversary.
「I am in no debt to you,」 continued Arthur, the tremble in his voice betraying the wildness in his soul, though the hand holding the sword was quite steady. 「Not anymore. M-Merlin, he- Undo the magic or I will run you through.」
Will's face was blanched white. Arthur thought there might have been tears at the corners of his eyes, but he couldn't be sure. He couldn't be sure of anything, only that Merlin was dead and it was a jarring wrongness in Arthur's world.
「It's too late,」 said Will, wide eyes fixed on Merlin's crumpled body beyond Arthur's shoulder.
「Yes,」 said Arthur, voice a barely audible rasp, and he slid his blade neatly between Will's ribs.
*
On the floor, Merlin gasped in a breath.
In Albion, Destiny snapped back into orbit.
*
Merlin woke in degrees, senses returning to him slowly. To begin with, he could only feel the glorious burn of magic through his veins, golden and shining with something he had not experienced before. It moved like the seasons, warm and cold and warm again. There were arms around him, scent of home, a gentle rocking motion. Someone was stroking the crest of his wing, soothing. His heart felt dizzy with it.
Everything was dark. And it was a moment before Merlin realised he had his eyes closed.
He opened them.
Then memory returned. There was a face close to his, blurred like a dream.
「Will?」 asked Merlin, but he couldn't hear his own voice so he tried again, 「Will?」
Lips moved.
「He's gone. Dead. You're safe now, you're alive- gods, I thought I'd nearly-「
Merlin tried to rub the blur out of his eyes, but his hands were too heavy to lift. He blinked rapidly, and the world slowly focused. It wasn't Will who was holding him. It was Arthur, Arthur with a tear stained face and blood stained hands, holding on to Merlin like a man who had once let go without knowing it.
Then Arthur's words registered in Merlin's mind.
「Dead?」 he repeated, suddenly cold, trying to stand, trying to see where Will was because where was Will? Why hadn't it worked? Nonononono- Why hadn't he been able to save his best friend? He was alive. It could only mean one thing- but why had It failed him now, why wouldn't it take his life instead, why-
It was only when he felt Arthur shaking him, arms tightening about his shoulders that Merlin realised he had been talking out loud, voice dry at a whisper.
「Hush. Hush, Merlin,」 said Arthur, as if to a child waking from nightmare, 「What are you saying? You're not making sense, hush now.」
Merlin could feel the pull of bandages around his chest, and looking down, he saw off white linen bound across a dark brown stain of blood. He tried pushing away from Arthur, mind still reeling, confused. He got half way to his feet before his knees gave out, buckling. Arthur caught him by the waist.
「Merlin-」
But Merlin had seen; a figure covered with a sheet, laid out on the table.
He screamed, but his mouth only formed an 『o', and no sound passed his lips. Merlin clawed at Arthur's embrace, trying to break free, reach Will, heal Will, save him save him save him, growing hysterical.
「Merlin! Calm down, calm-「
Then Hunith appeared at Arthur's shoulder, holding something in her hands and Merlin reached for her, blindly-
「Mother, the rabbit, the rabbit is alive, why wouldn't Will-「
「Here, give him-」
「Will-」
「He's delirious-」
Arthur's hands on his jaw, at the back of his neck.
「Drink this. Drink this Merlin, it'll be alright, here-」
The potion seeped through Merlin like a lullaby, and the last thing he saw was Arthur's face before he succumbed to unconsciousness.
*
Merlin dreamt that Will had wings too.
They were russet brown like his hair, tawny in sunlight as they raced up a hill under dotted clouds and yellow green grass, laughing, laughing, laughing.
But when they got to the top of the hill, Will snapped his wings out and jumped, flying into the air, disappearing into the blue of the sky, still laughing you're a girl merlin such a girl silly stupid merlin.
Try as he might, folding and unfolding his wings… Merlin couldn't follow.
*
When he woke again, he was lying in a bundle of blankets and, when the room swam into view, he realised he was lying on two bedrolls pushed close together, a thick winter cloak bundled beneath his head as a pillow. Turning his head, he pressed his face into the fabric to hide from the light filtering through the window. The cloak smelt of Arthur.
His mother smiled at him wearily from her vigil beside her bed, helping him sit and holding a cup of water to his mouth. Merlin drank, the taste of water a relief in his parched throat.
「How long…?」
「Almost two days. You've been sleeping,」 said Hunith, smiling.
「Where's Arthur?」 he asked.
「He's just outside. I told him to get some fresh air- he has been refusing to leave you.」 Hunith brushed her son's hair back from his forehead, dropping a kiss there, tender. 「He cares a lot for you,」 she said.
「Will?」 said Merlin, after a beat, and at the expression on his mother's face, his own crumpled and he drew his wings closer to his shoulders and legs to his chest, trying to hide his face, pressing a fist to his mouth to muffle his that rose, fresh and unhindered by sleep.
「I'm so sorry,」 said his mother, pulling him into her warm arms and Merlin let his tears run unchecked, hiccupping into her shoulder.
「Will h-hates me,」 said Merlin, delirious, voice breaking, 「I've still got his necklace because he didn't want it anymore, he said he didn't know who I was anymore, but he came back and now he's gone!」
It was a long moment before his sobs ebbed away, and his mother framed his face with her hands, making him look up.
「Merlin, you must listen,」 she said, tone urgent, 「Your wings…」
Merlin was confused for a moment, stretching one wing out in response. His eyes darted, unfocused and dazed.
「My…?」
「Did you tell Arthur about them?」
Merlin stared at his mother, uncomprehending. His fingers felt cold.
「No,」 he whispered, 「No, I've never-」
「Because he knows, Merlin,」 said Hunith, tears in her own eyes, 「He knows.」
Merlin pulled back from her, trying to twist around to see the doorway of their small house, a freezing cold settling in the pit of his stomach and burning its way through his limbs like the lack of oxygen. Arthur knows. Arthur knows. Merlin didn't know what that meant.
「He- how-」
「Something happened with your spell when Will…」 Hunith looked distraught, 「He asked about them and I said it wasn't your fault, you were born with it, I-「
「Mother-「
「Oh Merlin, what will you do?」
He shut his eyes for a moment, calling up his magic to cast the appropriate spell that would conceal the wings and his magic surged up as if a damn had been broken and Merlin gasped with it, eyes snapping back open. His blankets were twisting themselves with agitation and Merlin had to take several deep breaths before the dizzying sensation passed. He had no idea whether the spell was successful or not.
「I'll leave,」 he said, the first thing that came into his mind, numb with shock and still drowning with grief, 「I'll leave, mother, I'll have to-」
「You'll do no such thing,」 said Arthur from the doorway.
*
[A/N] So the fanfiction editor won't let me do proper formatting in terms of spacing etc, so sorry for the cramp. Part eight! Now we are up to date. From now on, the new chapters will hopefully be updated once a week, apocalypses not withstanding. :) Happy reading, and do please drop me a comment.