Hey what's up. I'm sitting here on a fucking airplane right now, which might seem like an ok thing to be doing in general but in my case it kind of sucks. But let's not worry about that, because if there's one thing people need to shut up about it's airline travel. I wouldn't want to be cliché here. I do have a story to tell though. It's pretty much the craziest story I ever could of imagined, only not because my imagination isn't really that good, but GOD DAMN IT it happened to me and even if I'm not the best storyteller it's still my fucking story to tell. So fuck you, just shut up and listen to me here. You might be surprised.

Ok, so this basically started rolling around the time I was at this concert. I'm your typical college student, maybe a bit off in some capacity or another but still within normal variation. Some guys I know told me about this gig, a folk punk deal. They were running it out of a dirt parking lot in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. So I guess it isn't really a normal concert but stop nitpicking me, alright? Anyways, I decided I would check it out. I'm pretty big into the scene, so it felt like a cool thing to do. After listening to the bands play for a while, drinking beer out of a giant sack full of liquor I have and chatting it up with people over the scene in general, I see this chick, right? I'd seen her around campus a number of times before but I guess I never talked to her. I don't know, I guess I just never got around to it. What do you mean why am I carrying around a giant sack of beer? Because I'm awesome like that, that's why, now stop interrupting me and let me tell my story.

Anyways, so there she is and I guess I'm sufficiently drunk at this point so I wander on over to there and start up a conversation. "Hey", I say "You go to the same college I go to. I didn't know you liked folk punk music. By chance do you like guys that like folk punk music?" I'm a master of charm and wit, especially when drunk. I've just pulled off the perfect icebreaker. "Get real", she says and storms off. I don't know what it is in the water around here, but a surprising number of girls have proven immune to my charm. They must have special training. I blame the feminist wing of the college faculty.

So I brush it off casually and go back to listening to the music. Some dude comes up and taps me on the shoulder. "Hey", he says "I noticed you're into that". He gestures towards the lesbo in question with his shoulder. "Yeah I guess" I say "although she probably sleeps around. I wouldn't want to get a venereal disease or anything". The guy laughs. "Well that's a good way to keep a positive perspective on things. If you change your mind though I can tell you a thing or two about..."

"What do I need to know?" I coolly interject.

He laughs again. "Well" he says "it basically amounts to this. One of the best angles to work with girls is the political angle. I'm Mike, by the way, head of the Metro State Anarchist club." Interesting. I can tell where this is going and I like it. All I need to do is lay some of my characteristic charm on him and I'm well on my way to victory.

"Well fuck you Mike, and don't you ever talk to me again". I pick up my sack of liquor and make my way over towards the other side of the parking lot. The ambiance is better there anyways. For the rest of the concert I don't hear anything from Mike or that frigid bitch. Towards about 7pm I start to get a little woozy, so I decide to lay down. Some guido objects to my use of his car hood for said purposes. We discuss our differences like gentlemen, and work out an alternative arrangement wherein I use the ground to rest instead. After a long nap, I wake up. The parking lot is almost empty, the bands are all packing up. Some homeless guy is staring at me, no doubt because I've violated his territory. I pick myself up and decide to head home. Er, decide to head to the liquor store that is. But after that I head home.

I wake up to the sound of banging on the door. Fucking hell, I must have left the TV on too loud or something. I don't even remember turning it on. I roll over and the clock says 2:34. I'm awake early, I'll have to kill time before classes. I throw on some clothes and shamble over to the door. I hear shouting now. "Shut up" I yell, fidgeting with the locks. I yank that sucker open and it's my roommate Johnny. FUCK. I must have locked him out of our dorm again. Not that it matters, it's not like he has a right to complain. He ought to be used to this by now after all.

"You're an asshole" he says.

"Yeah, what's it to you" I shoot back. He's been trying to get me kicked out of here for a while now. I hardly feel guilty. I mean yes, in principle there are supposed to be guidelines for dorm living but it's not like anyone follows them anyways. The faculty also obviously don't care, otherwise they would have found time for that formal academic court thingy they keep talking about. I don't have time for this bullshit, so I bail.

"Hey if Jerry comes by and wants his poker set back, tell him to fuck off", I say as I'm leaving.

"FUCK YOU!" I hear from the shower. Christ, some people. Suddenly a legitimate concern hits me; what am I going to do to kill time until class? I mean, I guess I could hit the gym but today is supposed to be my rest day. I haven't really been keeping up with my workout schedule but I suppose now is a good time to start. Build consistency, and all that. Otherwise I'll never manage to keep committed to my schedule. No time like the present to get started on self-improvement.

I can't drink either, because Johnny is back in the dorm and I don't want to deal with him. I could go to the computer lab and fuck around, but there's that one asshole there who objects to my use of the computers. I mean, so what if people don't like the same porn I do. It's the 21st century people, stop being such prudes. Anyways, that's out of the question. I walk past a campus billboard and see the fliers for all the clubs. I hate clubs. Who has time for them? Not people with a legitimate academic commitment, that's for sure. Then I glance at one in particular and remember my conversation with Mike. I guess it couldn't hurt to see what's going on in these primitive backwoods academic sub-societies. Maybe they'll like me. I could end up being the king of their tribe, or something.

I yank one of the little paper dongles off of the flier. Technically I didn't have to, since apparently the club is meeting right now in the room next door, but I felt like it ok? Besides, it's a strategically sound action. Less competition for leadership this way. I wander into the room and announce myself. "Hey assholes, I'm here to join your stupid cause or whatever. Down with culture and society and the man! Yeah!" There's some shuffling as people turn around to get a glimpse of me. Yes that's right, I'm majestic you bitches. Drink it up.

Mike is standing in the front of the class like he's some sort of professor. "That's terrific, now sit down and shut up and maybe you'll learn something," he offers. My plan to ingratiate myself seems to have hit a snag, here. No matter, I'll do as he says and take the opportunity to regroup and form a new plan. Learn their ways, gain their trust, and then conquer them from the inside. No need to be hasty here. I glance about the class and see the girl from yesterday. She appears to be upset that I'm here. Perfect! I have her attention. From here everything should be relatively simple to bring together.

I pick out an empty seat in the front row, right at the head of the pack. Might as well get an early start on establishing myself. Mike is talking about some ridiculous economic jargon, pointing to all sorts of numbers and figures on a projector. He's giving a private powerpoint presentation to a student club. People do this for fun? I swear man, I don't understand it. So on and on he goes about securities and mortgages and covered calls and a whole slew of acronyms. I'm nodding my head thoughtfully but fuck all if I'm going to bother thinking about any of this. He hasn't used the word oppression once. What kind of anarchists are these?

I decide to speak up, maybe Mike can answer some of my questions. "Excuse me," I say, "but what's with all the line graphs? Aren't you supposed to be a revolutionary group? Why the fuck are you giving powerpoint presentations? Line graphs aren't revolutionary, they're like, the opposite of revolutionary. I mean what the fuck, man?" Mike appears pleased that I have chosen to engage him in civil discourse.

"We do engage in active political events as well," he says "including protests, campaigns, pamphleteering, grassroots charity efforts, and of course demonstrations, but an important part of being a member of this organization is staying educated about current affairs, economics, and politics. If you had shown up at the beginning of the meeting you would have had it explained to you then." Mike is reaching into his backpack now. I'm wondering if it's a gun. That would be boss. Unfortunately he just pulls out some stupid pamphlet. "Here" he says, "it's the club manifesto". He winds up and throws the thing like some sort of ace pitcher. I try to catch it but I guess paper has a weird trajectory.

People really shouldn't throw things made of paper anyways. It hits me in the face despite my best efforts. Everyone starts laughing, Mike smiles. That's good at least. I'm starting to really win friends and influence people here.

So then Mike wraps shit up and everyone more or less leaves, except my girl who's talking to Mike now. "Why the fuck is this kid here? What is this Mike? Are we babysitting retards now?"

"Calm down" Mike says "He's new here, and that's just his sense of humor. Don't worry about it, I'll talk to him about his behavior." So my girlfriend leaves and Mike turns to look at me. Hey yeah, that's terrific asshole. Real smooth. Ruin my relationships why don't you. He takes a seat on the desk in front of me and starts talking.

"So" he says "I see you decided to pay us a visit after all." "Yeah", I say "but it's not like it was the start of anything. You bastards seem way too stuck up for me. You don't deserve to be exposed to my greatness". Mike laughs. Christ, am I that fucking hilarious? Well fuck him then, maybe I should just ditch this moron and go do motherfucking stand up. "That's a shame" he says "because people here really seem to like you."

"Really?" I say, and he says "Yeah. You've got a good sense of humor. You might need to tone it down a bit but it actually goes over pretty well. You should stick around, maybe you'll like what you see." I'm thinking about it. There is my newfound commitment to leadership to consider. If I back out now then these people will never know what it means to follow a leader of true brilliance.

"Well I guess I could give you another shot, but if you fuck up next time I'm not coming back. I'm implementing a two-strike system, and you're already on one." Mike smiles. "That sounds good to me. Besides which, you still haven't even gotten her phone number." He gestures towards the door even though my lover is long gone. What the hell is up with this guy, does he have a nervous tick or something? Learn to fucking movement, jackass. But with that tantalizing motivation held in front of me I guess the best thing to do would be to make a go of it.

So the club is all packed up and gone and I still have like an hour to my first class, Survey of Contemporary Society. Normally I wouldn't, but I figure what the hell, so I open up the pamphlet and start reading. This shits pretty interesting, way more so than the lecture. It starts off talking all about how society sucks and shit, and then it talks about rights. I flip through that bitch. I feel like I'm learning a lot. It's talking about how property is theft which I think is pretty awesome, because it means that theft is liberation. I didn't realize how politically active I was before. It feels good to know I've been actively working towards a better society this whole damn time. Hey, maybe I can use some of this stuff in class even.

But yeah, normally I hate books. People have tried to get me interested in them but everything I've ever read is bullshit. One time this teacher tricked me into reading The Prince because he made it sound like Machiavelli could prove that killing people and stealing all their shit was awesome, but that wasn't what the book was about at all. It was just a hundred pages of him describing things. Lame. I don't get why people go in for that anyways, if all these guys really know more than I do then why the fuck are they all dead? Yeah, that doesn't speak too highly of your intelligence when you couldn't even avoid dying, does it asshole? So that's why I hate books. They're all written by dead people.

I finish up that shit and decide to wander around. There are some guys playing terrible music on the street corner. Nobody cares moron, get a fucking job or a life or a haircut at least. Some Christian guy is ranting about all his Christian bullshit, but he does that every week. I go over and shout at him for a bit and then it's time for class. Well, it's 20 minutes after time for class, but same-dif. So I wander over to B214 and waltz into that mother-fucker like I own it, because I do. Everyone turns to look at me. It's good that people know I'm important, I'd hate to have to remind them.

I sit down and wait for my spell to wear off. I guess these people can't help but be transfixed by me. I am awesome, after all. The professor goes back to talking. Apparently she's dividing us up into groups to talk about politics and human nature or whatever it is this class is about. I get paired with a couple of decent looking broads, maybe 7/10 on the scale, and one pasty little mamma's boy looking creature. Whatever, life doesn't always go your way I guess.

"We're supposed to be talking about what we think our ideal government should be" says the guy.

"I already fucking know that, alright. I'm me. Of course I know that." I say, then I smoothly add "So why don't you go first." He appears taken aback by this, probably because his mother forgot to explain to him how to act around your superiors. Sheltered people bore me. They need to learn how society works or else just go home and die watching sesame street, eating vegan appetizers or whatever the fuck it is they do.

"Well" he whines in a shrill nasal voice "I personally subscribe to the notion that the government which is best is that which governs least."

"That's stupid" I tell him "I mean it's called

government for crying out loud. It's right in the name. If it's not governing then it isn't working. Christ man, do you not have a dictionary or what?"

"Now that's not necessarily true" he begins to splutter "most social problems can be handled through voluntary human interaction, provided that a government exists to instill respect for private property, and..."

"Property is theft" I interject. The two chicks in our group are watching intently. Maybe I can show them how awesome I am here, they'll probably want to sex me. I've always wanted to try a three way. "I mean, just think about it man. It's like, the world belongs to everybody and shit. So that means that if you're trying to call something yours you're taking it away from the world. You wouldn't support robbing the entire world, would you? There's orphans and homeless people and things, think of how sad they would be if you robbed them."

"What the fuck are you talking about? None of that makes any god damn sense! What the fuck is wrong with you?" the asshole blurts out. The professor overhears our debate and comes over to offer her scholarly opinion.

"You need to leave" she says to the douchebag. He glares at her, then at me, gets up and storms out as if people actually care about his fucking opinion. The professor turns to address the class "I suppose I ought to have been clear beforehand. Be civil. No namecalling or personal attacks."

This is awesome. I just won my first debate and it's all thanks to that stupid fucking club I'm running. The girls are both looking at me, one is pouting in a really cute way, the kind that says "I'm a woman and I don't know what's going on." Totally hot. The other is smiling. "Libertarians are so stupid. My brother told me there would be a bunch of them in college. I can't believe anyone can have that little common sense."

"Yeah" I say "some people are just fucking douchebags. It's like, if you're too stupid to learn then don't show up in the first place." Both these chicks are nodding in agreement. This is fucking awesome. I'm the champion of the universe today. I mean, moreso than usual, if that's possible, which it is for me because that's how awesome I am.

The clock hits the magic spot and people start scrambling to leave. The professor comes over and hands me a syllabus. "I know this is the first day and there are certain things that can't be helped, but try to be on time in the future." She smiles "Today was pretty lively wasn't it? Don't worry, I'll make sure he doesn't get out of line in the future. You seem like a smart kid. A lot of people just have trouble with that." She picks up her handbag and leaves the class. About then I start to realize that this whole anarchy club thing is the best idea I've ever had. I should tell Mike about this. Maybe he'll learn something from it.

I head on back to the dorm and crash. I flip on the tv and turn it to the food network, then think better of it. I'm not stoned yet, it's a disgrace to the prestige of the network to watch it without the proper sacraments. I crack open a beer and chug it down, then open that book again. I flip through it. It's like some sort of fucking magic tome man, I swear. If things keep going like this I'm going to be president of the country in no time. Suddenly I hear some more banging on the door. I sigh and throw the book down, head on over and see who it is. Oh, it's Johnny. Big surpise. He storms through the place to the refrigerator, no doubt because food is the only thing willing to spend more than a few hours with him. I get ready to tear into that book again when he shouts to me. "Hey asshole, you were supposed to get milk." Now I'm pissed. It's like, who the fuck do you think you are? Pretending I have any sort of obligation to you fuckstick? That's bullshit. But then that reminds me of how much I hate him, and I realize that any excuse to get away from this guy suits me just fine.

So I throw on a pair of pants and a coat and make my way over to the store. It's a little bit cold but that's alright. It makes my nipples swell up a bit. Really completes my ensemble, makes me feel fucking indestructible like some sort of great ape. Anyone tries to fuck with me all I have to do is refer them to my tits, they'll get the picture. That's what instinct is for. I mean, how else does society function if people don't fall into line behind the alpha males. Er, alpha male that is. Fuck the plural, I'm running this show.

As I get near the store I take notice of just how effective this is. I'll have to dress this way more often, it works surprisingly well. I mean, instinct aside some people are just retarded and have a hard time getting the point, but right now they're all doing what they fucking should be. Ducks in a motherfucking row. Even the door opens for me, subservient and respectful of my dominating presence. So I make my way right to the milk and yank that sucker off the shelf, go through the self-checkout because fuck dealing with people. Then right when the door is busy obeying my will, I see one of the chicks from class. She glances at my nipples, scoffs, and then smiles. She's looking me in the eyes now. Not as respectful as looking me in the nipples but I guess I'll let it pass coming from a woman.

"Hey!" she says "That sure is an interesting outfit. So what are you up to?"

"I'm just, uh, getting ready to go back to my place and chill."

"That's cool" she says "where do you live?"

"Just in the dorms. I mean, but it's totally cool because it's not like I even have to follow the rules because everyone just knows I'm above them."

She laughs. "I've never seen the dorms before. Is it alright if I tag along?" About this time I'm starting to think that anarchy club may have been the best decision I've ever made in my fucking life. I mean, as far as girls go this is a pretty easy catch. 7's put out. 8-10's are stuck up, snooty and self important and anything lower than about 5 have self-esteem issues and don't even know how to deal with men. They're pretty much doomed to be lesbians. It's sad, but that's just nature. You can't argue with natural selection. That medium range though, that's the sweet spot. But even so, this was just way too simple.

"Yeah I guess, just so long as you don't break anything with your thunderthighs." She giggles and swats ineffectually at me. Like I said, easy catch. You can call me the dog catcher, cause I've got the bitch on a leash and I'm leading her wherever I want her to go. Right now, it's to the motherfucking pound. Then I remember. God dammit, I'm going to have to deal with Johnny. But then I think of a genius plan, which is actually pretty redundant to say because I'm the biggest genius ever. Every fucking plan I make is a genius plan.

As I walk through the door, girl in tow, I take the gallon of milk and hurl it through the living room into the kitchen. It'll be easier to clean up there, and it's better I don't get the bed wet. Right as I do so Johnny is trying to talk to me or something. "Hey, did you get th-" BWOOSH. The thing explodes in a fountain of glory. Fucking awesome. "Get your own damn milk" I say to him. He looks like his face is about to catch fire but then thankfully he remembers that nobody cares. He glances briefly at my newest conquest before throwing on a coat and duly fucking off. Semi-hot is a bit startled at all of these developments, but after Johnny leaves she lets out a bemused gasp of air.

"So yeah, this is my place" I say to her. "I'd show you around the kitchen, but it's fucking covered in milk".

"You are such an asshole" she giggles. Glancing around nervously, she adds in "Maybe you can show me the bedroom?" I like this girl. She isn't wasting time on stupid bullshit.

"Well, what angle do you want to see it from?" Her smile goes from sweet to sultry. This is it man. I've sealed the fucking deal, and that's not just a manner of speaking if you catch my drift.

See, most people are fucking retarded. They think you have to turn the thing into some sort of ordeal, go about it through an official process or some bullshit. I dunno. Maybe married people do that. That's probably why they're all so god damn miserable all of the time. The truth is you've gotta be spontaneous. If you start trying to look for a rulebook in the fucking clouds then you're just going to fuck things up. Of course it helps that I'm me. I guess other people don't have that advantage. That's really too bad for them.

So I take her back into the main bedroom. I'm thinking about closing the blinds but fuck it, if anybody wants to watch then let 'em. The more peasants know of my conquest, the fewer attempts at insurrection I will have to face. It's just simple common sense, here. "So this is the bedroom" I say, gesturing with precision in case this fact has eluded here. As I'm turning around, she shoves me and I fall onto the bed. I wasn't expecting this but whatever, it's not like it makes a difference. I guess she's answered my earlier question.

She starts to take off her clothes. Now I'm not a freak or anything, but I have to admit that this assertive girl shtick was really turning me on. I'm just lying there because fuck it, if she's going to take charge then she can have all the responsibilities. Obliging my royal inclinations, she climbs on top of me and starts undoing my pants. Just like that she yanks them down till they're over my ankles. This is fucking perfect. Everything is going my way today. And then...

Her head explodes. At first I'm just sitting there, trying to make sense of this. What the fuck just happened? Was I just too much man for...? ...and then suddenly I realize that there's a fucking corpse on top of me, and right about then I let out an audible noise of, uh, disappointment, and pull my pants back on because I guess nothing is going to happen tonight after all. Right about then I realize that the window is blown out, and when I'm starting to guess at the implications of this the door suddenly bursts down and a god damn swat team swarms the place. A guy puts a shotgun between my teeth and then I'm thrown to the ground. My hands get cuffed behind my back. This is all very disorienting. Then I hear someone talk "Sir, isn't Jacob Fisher supposed to be black?" This man known as sir responds "God damn it, you're right. Check the dorm number". A couple long seconds go by and the other man returns. "It's room 448, sir". Sir is somewhere between livid and resigned. "God damn it, we were supposed to be watching room 449. Jesus christ."

And then it hits me. I just lost out on a night full of partying because some asshole couldn't do a basic fucking task correctly. "What the fuck is wrong with you people? You ruined everything" I shout to the floor. I would have shouted it directly to said people, but one of them is sitting with his knee on my back. "Hey mister, watch your language" says Sir "besides, we have our own problems to deal with. Do you have any idea how much paperwork I'm going to have to fill out?" I shut up. The man has a point there. For the rest of the night, I'm kept busy filling out an incident report and describing how things went down to a station full of badges. At about 4am they let me go. They're putting me up in a hotel until my dorm gets taken care, what with being an evidence site and all that. I sit down on the bed and think for a bit. I really don't like people. I don't even want to think about them right now. I just, well... I don't like them. That's all.