Let's get this show back on the road, shall we?
Floodgates
"I don't want to see new people."
She prayed for a call from Fin or Nick. She didn't feel prepared to deal with this. She didn't want to deal with this. Even though she loved him she knew she wasn't equipped to go into a relationship with someone like Elliot. He'd been married most of his life. He has and still is raising children. He has much more experience when it comes to family. He has more experience in love, too. If this happened, even though she doubted it could, she'd be a rookie just like fourteen years ago. And she'd be at his mercy, learning from him and relying on his expertise. It's like someone took a blade to that scar and made it bleed all over again.
He cleared his throat. "I don't know about you, but," he choked on his courage, "uh, I've had enough to eat. I'm glad you called me." She had dropped her gaze to her tea when she accepted that he wasn't going to look at her. She thought that maybe she had just ruined her only chance at having him in her life again. She needs him in her life. She doesn't know what for, but that doesn't matter. As long as he is with her, there won't be a void anymore. After four years she still hasn't found a way to fill that void. How the hell does she fill that empty space? She felt liquid accumulating above her bottom eyelids. She was pained and embarrassed, hoping to God he wouldn't notice. God followed through, though, and she looked up to find he had walked away from her. Again. There was enough cash on the table to cover both of their meals and the tip and his burger, uneaten, was barely touched. Tears rolled down her cheeks uninhibited. How could she let him slip away like that?
SVU Interview room 2
Fin listened through the intercom as Nick seated Carla at one end of the steel table and himself directly across from her. He began questioning.
"Did you conspire against Jamie Gaines?"
"No. You're wasting your time."
"Your brother is telling us differently."
"My brother may be in some very deep shit and he's wanting to drag somebody down with him."
He shifted in his seat, appearing more attentive. "Why do you say that?"
"Carlisle is weak. He could never get in trouble alone."
Nick sighed, sick of her bullshit and sick of her invincible attitude. "You're lying to me, Carla."
"No, I'm not," she said blankly.
"You manipulated Carlisle into beating and raping Jamie. He's not like you and your father. You told him that he had to learn how to 'be a man,' remember? 'Take what is his.' Like Jamie, for instance. And the scholarship money-"
"I never encouraged him to do anything crazy like this and you can't tie me to it."
"He wouldn't beat Jamie to a pulp to win scholarship money he can't use for himself- the only other girl on the team was you. That's not just probable cause-"
"You can't prove any of this!"
"That's motive." They were silent a moment. Carla's face went white all over and she was trembling with anger. Nick leaned forward with his arms resting on the table. "Your game's up. Admit it, Carla. Be a man. But you know what the real shame is? Jamie probably would've just given you the money if you'd asked. I hear she's that great of a person."
"Whatever. I'm done talking to you."
Nick left her to wallow in her own mess. Outside of the interrogation room he expressed his concern that he hadn't gotten a real confession out of her. Fin reassured him that Carla wasn't getting away from this. "Once the jury hears about the family's history of violence, she's done for. We'll get her shrinked, track her mother down as a witness. Crime scene photos. Carlisle's testimony. Don't sweat it."
Office of Dr. Lindstrom
"Olivia?"
His voice sounded faintly in her ears, but not enough to bring her back.
"Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom called, gently, "You look like you've got a lot on your mind."
She was slowly becoming aware of her surroundings. She felt like she was losing her grip on her sanity when she realized that she had somehow gotten through the rest of yesterday's work day, gone home and taken care of herself and Noah then, apparently, gotten herself here in Dr. Lindstrom's office. At some point she must've started feeling those intense feelings again (dread, anger, resentment, low self-worth, confusion). She must've recognized that she was on her way to a very low place and numbed over. But, thankfully, in her state of emotional numbness she could process that she needed to see someone. Talk to someone.
"If you can say it like that," she whispered, "But it's really just one thing."
"I'm glad you're here. You already know that whatever is bothering you, anything, you can talk about it here. There's no pressure, no shame. And nobody outside of this room will know."
She looked as if she was in shock. Her face was... stunned. Elliot was a lot to process and she could no longer stuff it down anymore, because Elliot had that blade and was dragging it across the scar he left on her. "My old partner..."
That's all she could get out at first. Dr. Lindstrom remembered very well the many sessions they spent focusing on that one subject. He had a lot to do with how hard of a person she'd become by the time she became his client. He had always tried to recreate in his head an Olivia that was confident about her own worth, knowing that there would always be one person who understood her fully and would make her feel like she meant something to someone if she ever did come close to the end of her rope. But his imagination wasn't that extensive.
"Elliot Stabler," he said, finishing her sentence.
She nodded. "Yes."
"Have the two of you reconnected recently?"
She nodded. "Yes." Her voice was weaker that time.
"You once said you'd give anything to see him just once more-"
"William Lewis put that in my head."
"And you accepted it as true. And that's why it struck a nerve. It hurt. It still does."
She shook her hand and clenched her jaws. But she couldn't stop a couple of tears from traveling down her face.
"You don't feel that way anymore? It has been a considerable amount of time. Life-altering events have since taken place. He may not be one of the most important things to you anymore. What do you think?"
"He's still so important to me. He shouldn't be. I should be over this."
"But you aren't, are you?"
She sucked in a corner of her bottom lip, which she fought to keep from quivering. "He wants- he wants back into my life. Permanently."
"How do you mean permanently? Be more specific, Olivia."
"He and Kathy are divorced. I asked him if he's been seeing new people. He said he didn't want to see new people."
"How did you respond?"
"I didn't. Couldn't... You should've seen his face."
"What happened next?"
"Nothing. When I looked up he was gone."
"What do you want, Olivia?"
"We both know what I want," she said, annoyed but mostly at herself for wanting it.
"What are you going to do about it? Are you going to open the door for him to exit your life again or are you going to sieze this opportunity? See what could be with your 'best friend?'"
Elliot was alone in his apartment. He'd given up on trying to occupy himself. Instead he lay on his bed above the covers at 8pm, uninterested in anything except being alone with his thoughts. That's the only place he could be with her anyway. He didn't bother trying to watch TV, because he'd just think about her. He could go to a bar and get hammered, but he'd just think about her. He could get himself involved with some lovely lady, but he'd just think about her. She was everywhere but by his side.
He felt like a fool trying to tell her that he loved her. Then she wouldn't respond. She didn't turn him down, but she didn't offer him any hope whatsoever. They were never very good at verbal communication, so he quickly accepted it as a failed attempt. He couldn't say anything more. He couldn't even look at her. He could no longer stand to be in her presence. He had no right to be offended, but he took a huge step forward thinking she would meet him halfway. Until his phone rang, he thought she wouldn't.
He sat upright. "Olivia?"
"I know it's kinda late, but are you doing anything right now?"
"No, no. What about you?"
"I didn't mean to- freeze up at the diner-"
"No, it wasn't your fault."
"Right," she agreed, unconvincingly, "Can we- I wanna see you."
"I can, uh, come to your place or..."
"Okay then," she said, half-confident.
He switched out of his sweatpants and into a crisp pair of jeans and wrapped himself up in a leather jacket before leaving. All that was to be heard was distant sirens and light traffic as ambience. In the foreground was the sound of his boots slamming into the cement sidewalk and his own shallow breathing. He forbade himself from going through the numerous possible scenarios of what could happen that night. Carpe diem.
She needed only his "It's me" before buzzing him up. She was listening by the door for his footsteps and waited for him to knock. It sounded like he was only standing in front of her door. And she knew he was trying to build the courage to knock on her door. She wondered why he always needed to be so difficult, so complicated. Her face twisted into a frown, because she could feel him contemplating to walk away. The door was not enough to keep her from feeling his turmoil. She, being braver than him, swung the door open.
She was standing with a baby resting on her chest. "I just got him to close his eyes," she said with a nervous smile. Elliot had to snap his bottom jaw back up and return the same nervous smile, so as not to seem withdrawn or taken aback. He reached out and stroked the sleeping boy's hair. "He's beautiful. I know you're happy." She moved aside and ushered him in, closing the door behind him. Then she gestured for him to hang his jacket on the coat hanger beside the door. Olivia wondered why he seemed to hesitate. She began to walk away, but spun around to say something just before she realized the reason for his hesitation. His upper body was only clothed in a white tank top, obviously not enough to hide his physique from her wandering eyes. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and his own eyes examined her living room, taking note of every children's toy, picture frame, and magazine. A smile gently crept across his face.
"I'm gonna lay him down for the night. I'll be right back."
"That's fine," he said barely above his breath.
When she came back three minutes later she found that he had set himself on her couch. She couldn't tell if he was looking at all the toys splayed about her living room floor or if he was staring at nothing, just thinking. She assumed the safer of the two and hurried over to start tossing toys into an orange bin in the corner. "I'm sorry it's a mess," she said, putting toys in her arms which were repeatedly proving that their holding capacity had been reached three toys ago. He laughed at her aura of awkwardness and leapt to her aid. She graciously accepted his help and they simultaneously dropped their batches into the orange bin. "Thanks," she chuckled, flipping her hair out of her face. "No problem. I remember those days," he said, smiling. Olivia laughed scoffingly.
"You mean Kathy remembers those days."
"I dunno, Liv, I've had my share of clean up and diaper duty."
"If you say so," she said, still smiling and now making her way to the couch, him following.
"Yeah, well-
-the job."
They said it at the same time. She looked down at her hands on her knees. He kept his eyes on her a little while longer before looking at her hands as well. Then he shifted to sit facing her, his arm resting atop the back of the couch. This demanded her attention and she looked up to meet his eyes. He said to her, "I hope his father isn't leaving you with the bigger share." Kathy had often admitted feeling in over her head, taking care of their four then five children with his extremely limited presence. He was willing to butt heads with any man who might try to leave Olivia with such a burden. "I, uh, I take care of Noah on my own with the help of our sitter, Lucy."
"Noah? The baby is Noah?" He was visibly relieved.
"You relieved that I don't have some absentee husband or just that I'm a single mother," she asked, her smile diminishing and tone becoming inquisitive.
"Well," he said, "I'm happy that you have a kid and you don't have to deal with the added stress of having an 'absentee husband.'"
She looked away again and started to talk before Elliot cut her off. "Why haven't you settled down with anyone, Liv?"
She swallowed hard. Her face showed her own confusion. She went with the rehearsed answer. "The job.
And I have a more important guy in my life now. And, I don't know, I'm getting a bit old to- I'm not interested in sorting through men to find the one I'm looking for."
He pushed her. She could tell he was pushing. She was actually being open. He didn't know if it was him or if it was that time had changed her that way. It was a rare opportunity that he had to take advantage of. So he pushed her.
"You've never told me what's right for you. I mean, we never talked about it."
"You always acted like you knew what was right for me," she said half-jokingly.
"Well, I thought I at least knew what wasn't. I was, uh, arrogant then." An inkling of guilt leaked into his mind to think that he may have warded off her Mr. Right at some point during their partnership. And there she was building what family she could for herself. And possibly because of him.
"It was my fault. I shouldn't have let you act like my big brother." But she liked it. She never scolded him for protecting her from men he didn't think deserved her. She met his gaze once more. "I guess the right man for me would be strong. A protector. Wouldn't mind a family. And he'd love me. Intensely. And I'd know it."
She'd know it. There had been very few times when she doubted his commitment to her. Few, but there were. He'd failed at making it factual knowledge in her head that he was her #1 supporter. He only hoped that he could reinforce years of effort by sending her his miniature badge and Semper Fi necklace, which she happened to be wearing.
"I hope you know that I will always care deeply for you," he said softly, gesturing at the gift around her neck, "And I never wanted to walk out of your life."
She brought a hand to the necklace, continuing to hold his gaze. "I think I know," she whispered.
Once again, I'm postponing the good stuff. I realize that I suck at consistently updating. Don't hate. I'm hanging on by a thread over here. There will be another chapter. Tell me what you think about this one-what you love, what you hate. Happy reviewing!