Chapter 37

Fenris sat on a bench in the Hawke mansion foyer, his head down and eyes glued to his feet. It had been three days since he'd been back in Kirkwall, but he didn't really remember much of them. He'd arrived at the mansion and slammed the door behind him before his anger started to fade. It was then that he began to remember what he'd done and said. The memory of Hawke's face, eyes wide in disbelief and mouth open in shock, as he'd spewed his hate at the man made him feel sick to his stomach. Even worse was the memory of Anders' smug smile. But it was the memory of the look of utter betrayal in Hawke's eyes that drove him into the wine cellar. He proceeded to drink until he passed out. Then he woke up and repeated the process. Aveline's sudden arrival at the mansion had thankfully put a stop to it before he ended up drinking himself to death.

He'd never fully appreciated just how strong the warrior woman was until that day. She literally manhandled his sorry ass outside and proceeded to douse him with several buckets of cold well water. When he'd finally sobered enough to listen, she'd read him the riot act. She told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn't get over to Hawke's and apologize to the man, then she would lock him up in the deepest and darkest cell she could find for the rest of his natural life. He'd become angry at that and his markings flared to life as he jumped to his feet, only to find her sword pointed at his gut. She'd looked him straight in the eyes and dared him to test her resolve. Despite how miserable his life was at that point, he really didn't want to die, so he'd done as she asked. He only hoped that he wouldn't make matters worse. He heard the door open and jumped to his feet, apology at the ready, only to realize that it was Leandra and not Hawke.

"So, you finally decided to show your face to the world again Fenris?" she asked softly.

"I was hoping to see Hawke," Fenris took comfort from the fact that her tone wasn't hostile. "I take it he doesn't want to see me," he finished morosely.

"He didn't, but I convinced him to at least hear you out," she corrected him. "However, you and I are going to have a chat first. Sit down," she said firmly, pointing at the bench behind him. Once he was seated, she sat next to him, facing him.

"Do you love my son?" she asked sharply.

The question surprised him for it wasn't what he was expecting. He was tempted to brush off the question, like he'd done so many times before, but her expression deterred him. "I wish I could say I do, but I don't know what being in love is like. I have no memory to fall back on," he answered simply.

"I see," Leandra studied him. She was almost positive he was in love with her son, but if he truly had no idea what it felt like, then he would not be able to express the emotion. "When Gavin is happy, does it make you happy?"

"Yes."

"When he is hurt, do you want to make the pain go away?"

"Yes."

"Are there times when you would like nothing better than to shut out the world around you and just be alone with him?"

"I have felt that way many times," Fenris said slowly, the reasoning behind her questions finally making sense. "These are signs that you love someone?"

"A few of them, yes," Leandra smiled at him. "And right now he is very hurt. You're the only one who can ease some of his pain."

"That's why I'm here," he nodded. "I know I was wrong, and I don't expect him to forgive me right away, but he deserves an explanation."

"You should know that upon his return, he cried in my arms," she said softly. "That's something he hadn't done since he was a boy and his pet rabbit had died. That's how badly you hurt him. It will take a good deal more than words to convince him to take you back, but it's a start."

"You really think I haven't ruined my chances with him?" Fenris couldn't keep the hope out of his voice.

"I know he still loves you," she answered. "But, it will take time and a great deal of effort on your part to convince him to take you back. If you aren't willing to invest in the relationship, then break it off now and let him go."

"I am willing," he nodded.

"Okay, then let's go see my son," she stood and motioned for him to follow.

As he walked through the foyer, he saw Bodahn looking at him. Instead of contempt or anger, the servant gave him a big smile and looked relieved to see him. That puzzled him until he got to the study and saw Anders sitting on the sofa next to Hawke. The abomination looked very comfortable there, and that disturbed him deeply. He understood now what Leandra meant by letting Hawke go. He'd be damned if he conceded defeat to Anders.

"Anders, thank you for being here for my son," Leandra was saying as the two mages got to their feet. "However, Gavin and Fenris have much to talk about and it's already late."

"I have to check in at the clinic anyway," Anders said smoothly, flashing an unreadable look at the elf. "I'll be back tomorrow Hawke and we can continue going over your plans for expanding the clinic operations."

"Thank you Anders, for everything," Gavin smiled at him before turning back to face the fire.

Fenris felt his stomach twist and his teeth clench. Jealousy flared in him but he forced it down. He saw the warning look Leandra gave him and nodded. Now was not the time to be saying anything about Anders, whether good or bad. After the other two had left, he stared at Hawke and tried to say something, but once again found himself at a loss as to how to proceed.

Gavin had felt his heart thud painfully in his chest as soon as Fenris stepped into the room. Despite what Anders had said and everything that had happened, there was no doubt in his mind that he still loved the elf. He could see that the last few days hadn't been easy on Fenris either. The thought that the elf was suffering just as much as him was comforting. "So, mother says you've come to apologize."

"Yes," Fenris cleared his throat. "I had no right to take my anger at Hadrianna out on you. I know that a mere apology won't suffice, so I will tell you someting I've never shared with anyone."

Gavin turned to face him and saw a look of pain and embarassment cross the elf's face. "Please, sit down," he gestured to the chair next to the fire, taking the opposite one.

"Unless they lived it, no one can possibly imagine what it's like to be a slave in Tevinter," Fenris began softly. "Hadrianna was one of the meanest, most sadistic women I have ever had the displeasure to know. She had status and power and for some reason she made me the target for her more vicious games. I suppose one good thing about the whole situation was that my suffering spared some other poor soul."

"What did she do to you?" Gavin asked softly, morbid curiosity filling him.

Fenris looked at him, "Are you sure you want to know? Because even to this day, the memories of what she did to me give me nightmares."

"If it will help me to understand why you treated me the way you did, then yes," Gavin replied, his voice pained. For the next few minutes he sat silently, listening to a litany of abuses the likes of which he'd never heard before and never wanted to hear again. "How did you survive?' he asked when the elf fell silent.

"To be honest, it was my hatred for her," Fenris said with a frown. "It was all that kept me going sometimes. My hatred wouldn't let me seek an end to my pain and torment. It kept me alive and gave me the strength to resist and eventually break free of those monsters. I thought that after all these years my hatred was gone."

"I understand," Gavin sighed.

"No, you don't really, and I hope you never have to," Fenris shook his head. "I would not wish what happened to me on anyone, except perhaps my old master." He looked down at his hands, "I let my hatred of Hadrianna cloud my judgement and blind me to the pain I caused you. Knowing that I still have this hate inside me, that it could resurface at some point, is a burden I will have to bear."

"Not alone," Gavin reached out and placed a hand on Fenris' clasped ones. He waited until the elf looked up. "You have friends here Fenris, and you need help dealing with your issues." He let go and stood up, walking over to the study doors and looking out. "I'm sure you'll understand that I can't be the one for you to talk to. Not yet at least."

"I do understand," Fenris also got to his feet. "I don't want to impose upon you any longer. I just needed you to know why I behaved as I did. I hope that in time you can forgive me for it." Recieving no response, he showed himself out.

Gavin heard the study door close and turned around. His heart was crying out for him to stop Fenris from leaving. However, for the first time since he'd met the elf, he was listening to his head instead. Fenris had some serious issues that he needed to work out. That was something that he, as a mage, could not help with. However, Anders suggestion that he cut the elf out of his life entirely was not the solution either. Fenris needed to be constantly shown that not all mages were like his old master or Hadrianna. The only way for that to happen was to include Fenris in the group. Not only that, but Fenris was the best fighter in the group, hands down. He didn't trust anyone other than him and Aveline to watch his back, but she had duties that often made her unavailable.

As for Fenris talking through his issues, he had a few ideas about that. His mother would no doubt be happy to help and Donnic, the guardsman they rescued, would also be a good one to ask. He'd spoken to the man on occasion and had been impressed by his no nonsense approach to life. Even if he had to pay Donnic to do it, he would see that Fenris spent time with the guardsman. With a sigh, he banked the fire and headed upstairs to his cold and lonely bed.