Chapter 38
Days turned into weeks and Gavin found himself becoming more involved in the problems of the city. He found escape in helping down at Anders' clinic, learning more about healing magic from his fellow mage. Fenris had even come along a couple of times and always left in a thoughtful mood. There was no doubt that Anders was an extremely talented healer. The sheer hours he spent working with the poor, without expecting to paid for his services, was incredible and humbling. Even Fenris had commented on it, which was a very promising sign that perhaps he was working through his issues.
Gavin sighed and stood up from his writing desk to go and watch Jethann as he worked on the new flower bed his mother had asked for. He saw the elf girl, Orana, sitting and watching her fellow elf and talking to him, which heartened him. She was so shy and reserved around him that he'd begun to wonder if perhaps he'd made a mistake by bringing her here. He saw her suddenly laugh aloud at something Jethann said. The look on Jethann's face as he watched the girl caused a pang in his chest. It was obvious a relationship was blooming between the two elves in his employ.
That brought to mind the help he'd given Aveline in her pursuit of Donnic. The poor woman was terrible at it and desperately in need of guidance. Fortunately, Donnic was a sensible, practical man and took charge once he realized what his captain was up to. The last he'd heard was the two were very happy.
His mother too had someone in her life now. She wouldn't say who, but she seemed to be so much happier these days. He knew she had loved his father, but Malcolm had been dead for almost ten years now. Bethany and Carver were dead, and he had his own life to lead. The Amell mansion, for all its opulence and luxurious comforts, could be quite lonely for an older woman like his mother. He knew she visited Gamlen once a week, they were siblings after all, and he was okay with it as long as his uncle minded his manners. But everyone needed more than just family to truly be happy. They needed that special someone who could help brighten their days and fill their nights with love and joy.
A deep sadness filled him as he acknowledged the absence of that special someone in his life. While everyone else seemed to be happily involved, he was still sleeping alone. He missed Fenris something fierce and was beginning to wonder if perhaps they would never get back what they'd lost. Tears filled his eyes at that thought. A quiet voice jolted him out of his reverie.
"Why are you crying?" Anders asked as he entered the study.
"I didn't realize it was nearing dinner time," Gavin quickly brushed the tears from his eyes.
"Yes, your mother is putting the finishing touches now," the other mage took a seat on the sofa and patted the spot next to him. "Come sit and tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing really," Gavin said as he joined the mage. "I was just thinking about how everyone around me seems to be happily involved..."
"And you're feeling left out," Anders interrupted.
"I had what they had Anders, and now it's gone."
"That's not your fault Hawke," Anders said sharply. "But, we've had this discussion several times and you already know my opinions on the matter."
"Dinner is on the table messere," Bodahn announced from the open door, halting any further conversation.
They went to the kitchen and Gavin motioned Anders to a chair as he went to carve up the bird his mother had cooked for them. It was a goose, fat and juicy, and his mouth watered in anticipation. "This looks and smells fantastic," he smiled at her. "I never had quite your touch with birds."
"All the food looks amazing Leandra," Anders' stomach growled as he said that.
"I'm glad you could join us Anders," she smiled at him. "You are way too thin. You're not eating enough," she fussed over him.
"I just get so busy with my patients at the clinic," he shrugged.
Gavin looked up, knowing that it wasn't just that, but he decided to let the matter drop. His mother didn't need to know all the details of what Anders was up to. Not only was it dangerous, but it was also seditious. It was bad enough he knew about it, he could take care of himself. But his mother didn't have the strength she once did. He'd promised his father that he would take care of the family. He'd already failed with his siblings, he wasn't going to fail his mother. He'd given up a lot to make sure she was safe and happy, and he'd be damned if he did or said anything to mess that up.
"This is delicious," Anders mumbled around a mouthful of food. His plate was piled twice as high as the others and he was eating very rapidly. He didn't join in the table conversation, just focused on his plate. It wasn't until he was getting a second helping that he joined in.
"My goodness, where do you put it all?" Leandra gasped.
"Grey Warden appetite," he answered, resuming eating, but at a slower pace.
"I almost forgot you were one," Gavin shook his head, watching in awe as the food disappeared from Anders' plate.
"Is that why you're so thin?" Leandra wondered.
"Yes," he nodded. "If I forget to eat, miss a meal, anything like that, I lose weight. I have to eat twice as much as a normal man just to maintain my weight. Varric too has told me that I'm too skinny and is always sending extra food my way."
"Anders, it's great that you help so many of the poor, but if it's keeping you from being able to buy sufficient food...," Gavin broke off when the mage held up a hand.
"It's not that," Anders shook his head. "It's just, I get so busy that I end up working so late and then all I can manage to do is fall into bed and sleep. Then when I get up in the morning it starts all over again. I eat when I can."
"Darling, it's not fair that he bears this burden alone," Leandra appealed to Gavin. "I know you've spent a few days at the clinic, but surely you can do more."
"It's fine Leandra, I'm doing alright," Anders protested.
"No, she's right, there is more that I can do," Gavin nodded at his mother. "I have plenty of money saved up, even with what I'm paying my servants. Varric has managed to invest a fair amount for me too. I will see about finding someone, other than myself, who can do minor healing and knows herbalism and field medicine."
"That's asking for a lot in one person dear," Leandra admonished.
"Then I'll find two people," Gavin shrugged.
"Hawke, need I remind you that we are both apostates?" Anders protested. "I don't think it's a good idea to bring strangers into the picture. How could you ever trust them? It's bad enough I have to worry about one of the poor people in Darktown turning me in to the Templars for the price of a meal and mug of ale."
"We've helped many apostates over the years," Gavin reminded him. "Mistress Shelby has been keeping track of those she can and in constant contact with them. I'm sure she will be able to put me in touch with someone trustworthy and reliable."
"Not many would want to come back to Kirkwall, regardless of what you paid them," Anders argued.
"Then I will assure them of my personal support and protection, same as I would give to you and all my other friends," he retorted. "I won't see you running yourself into the ground, not when I can do something about it."
Anders had to look down at his plate and swallow hard, just to keep from crying like a baby. He couldn't remember the last time someone had stood up for me, looked out for him. "I've been alone for so long, just trying to survive, that I've forgotten what's it's like to have a friend standing by me. I had that once, in Amaranthine, and I never expected to have it again," he finally choked out. He looked up, his watery gaze meeting the steady green one of Hawke's. "Thank you."
"I was raised to look out for my family and my friends," Gavin smiled at him, somewhat embarassed.
"If you've finished eating, why don't you retire to the study again," Leandra stood up and began gathering up the dishes.
"Let us help, mom," Gavin protested.
"Go on, I've got this, go on," she shooed them away with a smile.
They returned to the study where Gavin poured them both a glass of brandy before they sat on the sofa together. Anders was still reeling from the emotional impact of Gavin's decision and quickly gulped down one full glass and poured another. He savored the second on, "Antivan brandy. One of the best brands out there if I'm not mistaken. Good taste."
"Varric served some once. I liked it so much that when I finally had the money to indulge a little, I decided that I would stock only the best Antivan available," Gavin laughed. "But how do you know so much about such things?"
"When I lived in Amarantine, with the Wardens, there was a young nobleman named Nathanial Howe with us," Anders gazed at the fire without really seeing it, his minds eye picturing the stern man he once had called friend and lover. "He introduced me to such indulgences, and boy did we indulge," he laughed briefly. "Then I merged with Justice and it all fell apart," he couldn't keep a hint of bitterness from coloring his voice.
"Is there any way to reverse what you've done?" Gavin asked him.
"I've looked through so many books that I've lost count," Anders sighed and polished off his glass and then refilled it. "Short of killing the host, there is no way to undo this. It hasn't been all bad. Justice provides insight that I would never have learned otherwise and he's capable of augmenting my magic when necessary. There are several patients I've had that would have died if not for his help."
"Then why did you leave Amarantine?" Gavin pressed. "I know you said you came here to help your friend Karl, but why didn't you go back once it was over?"
Anders hesitated for a moment. "If I tell you, you might decide you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore."
"I don't give up on my friends that easily," Gavin said firmly.
Anders nodded and proceeded to tell him of the events that occured just after he merged with Justice. "I didn't realize what had happened until it was all over. Grey Wardens are a law unto themselves, but I figured even they could not ignore such a crime."
"What crime? You were defending yourself," Gavin protested angrily. "That ex-Templar betrayed you and you fought back. If it weren't for Justice you would have died. Surely they would understand."
"I didn't want to test that," Anders shook his head. "I've never told anyone before," he turned to face the other mage. He gazed into his eyes and then whispered, "Thank you for not sending me away."
"Yes, well, that's what friends do for each other," Gavin looked away.
"Yes, friends," Anders sat back. He knew that Hawke could not be pushed, but he could be seduced. He would wait. Fenris might still be included in their missions, but he was absent from the picture otherwise. Eventually Hawke would get tired of waiting and be ready to turn to another man. He would be that man.
"It's getting late and I promised to help you in the clinic tomorrow," Gavin stood up. "Maybe you can function efficiently on little to no sleep, but I can't."
"Yes, I should go," Anders stood up and then impulsively hugged his fellow mage. "Thank you for believeing in me and for being my friend. It means more to me than you know."
Gavin returned the hug briefly and then pushed him back. "I promise I will always be your friend Anders," he promised. "That's a promise I intend to keep."
"You know, you're the first person to say that to me, outside of the Wardens, whom I actually believe means it," Anders chuckled as he turned away. "I'll see myself out. Goodnight Hawke, sleep well."
Gavin watched him go and then went and got the book he'd been reading and taking a seat on the sofa once again. He tried to focus on the book, but the memory of Anders' body pressed closed to his kept intruding. It had felt good, almost too good. He shook his head to clear it. Anders may have feelings for him, and he did like the man personally, but his heart belonged to another. It wouldn't be fair to use his friend like that. Shaking his head again, he refilled his glass and settled back to read.
Jethann hadn't intended to spy on his boss, but he happened to be in the right place at the right time and couldn't help himself. He could see the change in the relationship between Hawke and Anders. If Fenris waited too much longer to restake his claim on Gavin, then he would lose him to the other mage. He liked and respected Gavin too much to see the man settle for less than what he deserved. It was time to take steps to get his two favorite people back together. Slipping away quietly, he returned to his room to plan.