This is the second day I've woken up at Mike's house. It feels weird. Like, there's more future here. Too much future. It kind of weighs down on me and makes me feel uncomfortable. Then I remember the stuff I thought about yesterday and I start to feel better. No sense worrying about bullshit. I don't know why I have such a hard time with that. I guess it's just part of the curse of being as smart and awesome as me. I grab the whiskey and take a swig. It helps me get out of bed. Did Mike say we were going to The Golden Billiard today? Fuck. I better go ask him for a change of clothes.
I go upstairs and he's not there. Figures. I hope the meeting is later in the day, otherwise I'm going to be pissed. Why does he have to go off and do all this shit without me? I guess it's just who he is. Always busy, doomed to be busy. Nobody's here. I don't understand what the point is in having a house if you don't even use it half the time. More than half the time, really. That actually gives me a good idea. Mike could easily get twice the roommates. If he's charging them rent he could make ridiculous bank. I don't know if he's already charging the people here for rent. He ought to be, but he's just so charitable. But anyways, all he would have to do is rent the place out to people who work graveyard shift. Then the house would be used all the time and he would be making mad money. I'm going to tell him about this later.
I sneak into his room and borrow some clothes. Hopefully he won't mind, I bet he'll understand. He's good at understanding things. It's nice to just be able to look at people and know what they are, I think. That's what's so comforting about Mike. He's just so good natured and predictable that you can't help but like him, even when he let's himself get taken advantage of. You can tell his character just from appearances, even if you're totally retarded. At least I would imagine so. I'm not retarded so I can't actually say for sure, but he seems so solid that you would have to be the king of the retards not to get him.
I change clothes and head out the door. I'm just going to count on people not to rob the place, and if they do then, y'know, what the hell? It was destiny. I couldn't exactly have prevented destiny, now could I. Now the question is where the hell I am and how to get to class. I look around and see the skyline. Ok, that helps orient me. I think the light rail is a few blocks northwest of here. I set out in that direction, remembering that I forgot my whiskey. Maybe the dorm room is cleaned up now though and I can go and get some beers while I'm on campus. No worries there. I bet it is, I can't imagine they'd go this long without fixing something that simple. Maybe since they hate me they just didn't tell me that it's clean now.
Oh well. It's just who they are, after all. No reason to fault them for it really. Not that it's going to stop me from complaining or pointing out that they're retarded. Hell, technically doing that is just my nature, and I can't help it any more. So it doesn't make sense to get down on myself for inconsistency, because it's my destiny to be inconsistent. That seems like a pretty epic destiny. To hold people accountable for their transgressions even when they aren't their vault. It's like being some sort of philosophical vigilante. I can get behind that. Hell, I guess I have to get behind that. There's no way around it. That really is a comforting revelation.
I'm starting to see familiar looking landmarks. There's that Wal Mart from earlier. No wait, that's a different Walmart. Stupid Wal Mart's. Why do they all have to look alike? Inside and out, they're all the same. Fuck man. It's sort of like Wal Mart is a metaphor for people that way. Technically they're all separate, but for all practical matters they're completely the same. So of course it makes sense that people are understandable. They're just like anything else. Even a fucking department store chain. There's something funny about that. I really like this new way of thinking. It feels good to think for once. Normally it doesn't, but that's just because most types of thought are bullshit.
I keep walking. Hopefully it's not too much further, I really don't want to be late. Class seems like it's going to be really fucking cool today. It's just a feeling I have. Good vibrations man. Things are starting to look more familiar though. Maybe it's just Deja Vu. Maybe now that I know that everything is destiny, I can predict the future. That would make sense too. Then I could use that power
to make sure I'm never cockblocked by a careless sniper again. I guess I could use my powers for other things, but really I can't think of anything better to use them for. If I'm supposed to use my powers for good then that seems pretty good to me.
Alright, now things definitely look familiar. I'm in the downtown area now. I think if I just head west a couple blocks I'll find the light rail, and then that will take me straight to campus. It's easier to look at people now that they don't seem supernatural anymore. I always felt like if I stared too long, their stupidity would penetrate through my eyes and taint my soul beyond repair or something. It made sense at the time. Life's a learning process though. Now I can look at each and every one of these people and say "I know for sure you're something, and if I cared enough to bother with you I'm sure I could figure it out". It's just a terrific feeling. It's like I used to live in a world of shadows and now I live in a world of people.
I see a familiar Skyscraper. For sure it's just a couple more blocks now. I see a clock in a nearby store. No worries, there's plenty of time to get to class. Hell, maybe I should wander around some more and kill time. Then again I don't remember the Light Rail schedule, and something interesting might be going on On-Campus. Maybe the vigils are still going on. I could pick up another chick. On the rebound, like they say. A hundred bucks says girls would go for that. It's just part of that whole finding a man to fix, thing. Now that I have a dark and troubled past that people can relate to because it was on the news, I think my dating prospects are going to go through the roof. I should work on my brooding face. Maybe I can just copy that one guy from the Twilight movies. Anybody who can get girls wet while unambiguously wanting to brutally kill them, pretty much has the whole thing down. I mean, I know it's just fiction, but still.
Ok, now I ought to be seeing the Light Rail around here somewhere. Fuck. I forgot exactly where it is. The station is probably hiding behind one of these buildings. God Damn it. That's ok though, it was just my memory that was a little fuzzy. It's not like the Light Rail decided to try being a building for a change. It's still around here somewhere. I just need to ask for directions. There's a couple guys working on putting up a neon sign above a restaurant. One's up on the scaffolding. The other is having a cigarette while leaning up against the scaffolding. I go up to the guy on the smoke break. He seems like an in-the-know guy.
"Hey" I ask "Do you know the shortest way to get to the light rail?" The guy takes a quick drag of his cigarette and then puts it between his fingers.
"I don't really know this city that well, I just got this job through Craigslist." He appears thoughtful. Then he yells up to the guy on the scaffolding. "Hey Frank" he yells "you know this town right? Guy wants to know the shortest way to the Light Rail".
"The Light Rail?" Frank answered.
"Yeah".
"The way to the Light Rail?"
"Yeah."
"The shortest way?"
"Yeah."
"Dunno." The man with the cigarette shrugs like an asshole and goes back to his very important standing activity.
Fucking douchebags. Of course they don't want to help me. They probably resent me for being better than them. Such fucking douchebags. Or just morons. Either way. It's clear they aren't going to be any help though. Time to find someone else to give me directions. It's just such a dick move though. I mean, who the fuck do they think they are? Of course I know what they are, but they don't. They don't want to admit it. Such bullshit. I hate that. Even if they are retarded they have a pretty good idea how to fuck with me, which makes them douchebags. So even if they are retarded, they're still douchebags. They're douchetarded.
No sense dwelling on it though. I go up to some other guy and ask him the same question. "It's two blocks south" he says. So yeah, like I said earlier. Everything's in order, I just didn't know the order. I should keep track of things more carefully though, so that people can't fuck with me like those two assholes. Mike has the right idea. I mean, that's why he reads all the time. I totally get it know. Kinda funny how deciding I needed to figure out the order of things lead me instantly to figure Mike a little better. That's just how it all works though. Anyone who says otherwise is some sort of bullshit. Usually they're assholes in college and stuff, like that one libertarian dude, but those two guys putting the sign up were a good example too. I guess it just goes to show that it's a wider social phenomenon than I thought originally.
I get to the Light Rail station. Yep. There it is. Christ, some people. I think about paying but the school is only a couple stops from here, and there are almost never any guards on at this time of day. Besides, what kind of anarchist would I be if I bought a ticket? I'd be supporting the man. Probably. I don't really know all the details. Basically I'm just winging it, but I can always ask later. Then if I'm wrong I can feel bad, or something. Easy enough. I get on and the doors close behind me. There's pretty much nobody else here. That's good. I just sort of sit back and watch the scenery go by. You know, just kind of let it wash over me. I've never done that before. At least I don't think I have. If I have then I probably did it wrong.
I hear the doors beeping and then I realize the speakers just announced my stop. I jump off in the nick of time. Man, I'm out of it right now. Too much scenery I guess. Now that I'm here though, things ought to be more lively. That will keep me focused. It would have to, wouldn't it? Well, it looks like things have calmed down since the last time I was here. I can still see the weird shrine thing over by the dorms. The flowers are starting to die though, at least the real ones. Some people were smart enough to leave fake flowers. I don't get that. Why would you remember a dead person with something that dies? That's pretty bad. It's almost like a metaphor for forgetting. Something that stays the same works better. It's consistent. It represents what the person was. Maybe people just don't know what they are. Thinking about the possibility of that fucks with my head though, so I just decide to go to class.
I get there and the seats are just starting to fill in. A dude looks at me and nods. That's good at least. I'm pretty ok at predicting this stuff after all. All the stupid desks. I like rooms with tables better. Desks remind me of high school. There's never enough space on them either, and if you get there late then something you have to try and work with a left-handed desk which is pretty much impossible. I've tried yelling at the professors about it but they just end up agreeing with me, which doesn't solve anything at all. It doesn't even let me stay pissed at them, which pisses me off. It's like a paradox. I hate people when they go out of their way to be unhateable. Don't they know I'm trying to use them for that? Some people are just worthless, I swear. Especially professors. Well, philosophy professors and a couple other kinds. This one seems like she's been ok so far. I hope things today go as well as last time.
I notice the libertarian guy's not here. Thank god. I don't think I could deal with any more of his conceited bullshit and I'm pretty sure the rest of the class feels the same way. I know that guy who decked him sure did. Fucker probably went off and whined to people about it, but they didn't listen because nobody likes a whiny bitch. Maybe they even told him to fuck off. That would be pretty badass. I mean, if you make people punch you in the face then you've got to be pretty retarded and I don't think that flies with people in general. Even when other people are retarded. There's just some sort of limit to it. The important thing is that he's not here, though, which means that we can just get down to learning.
The class starts. Survey of Contemporary Society. Man, I hope there wasn't homework. If there was then I totally spaced it. I guess it doesn't really matter anyways, if I do everything from this point on then I'll still pull off an A. I probably won't but that doesn't matter either. I'll just wait and see what happens. That's what life's all about, after all. I can't really do anything else. No sense worrying about things. I bet that the professor would be sympathetic enough based on the shit that's happened to me to be lenient. If she wasn't I bet people would be pissed at her. I know I would be. I don't see how anyone could flunk me right now based on that. Technically this is my only class, so I don't really have to worry about anyone else, but I just mean in a general sense. In a general sense I can't see anyone flunking me. People follow rules in how they act though, so a general sense is all I really need anyways.
She walks in through the door. The professor, I mean. I realize that I missed Anarchy club but that's ok. At least I hope it is. What am I saying, it is what it is. I think what I meant was that I hope things are still chill with Mike and the guys. Although now that I think about it, I do regret that I couldn't be there to make my move on my punk folk princess. I know I shouldn't. But then, technically it doesn't even make sense to say that I shouldn't because I am, so even that falls under the same rule. It is what it is. Man, this stuff is kind of fun to think about. I'm starting to understand a lot of what people say when they say things, I guess. I mean, aside from the bullshit. I used to think it was all bullshit but now I see some of it is fucking awesome. The rest is still bullshit of course. Sometimes things are just easy to call.
"How is everyone?" the professor says. Nobody answers. Kind of a stupid question in that sense. Maybe it's another one of those question's that isn't a question. "Today we're supposed to be covering power and the marketplace" That seems like a pretty good subject. I'm really glad that libertarian guy didn't show up now. I bet he would have talked for the entire class period and we all would have had to listen to him or else leave. Really, if you're an inbred hick why don't you just go work on a farm and leave thinking to the real people? Er, the people who are good at thinking at least. But I guess really it's the same thing. I don't understand how anybody could be complete without being at least ok at thinking.
"Now, contemporary theory is fairly complicated and borrow heavily from concepts of economics and philosophy". Ugh, philosophy. I don't know about this now. "We have thinker like Marx and those who he influenced, including some we're going to read about like Zinn and Chomsky. Then we have schools which say it's not economics so much as language which is the bedrock of power in modern society. These include Derrida, Foucault, and Lacan." These names all sound so god damn foreign. It sucks. I guess it just goes to show how much the American education system sucks balls. At least this philosophy doesn't sound like bullshit. I've heard some pretty stupid crap. It's amazing the sort of stuff people will try and pass off as true. I don't get what their problem is. Hahaha, maybe this class can teach me that. Not that I care, it's not like I could save any of them. They are what they are. Just as an academic interest, though.
"I'm going to hand out some reading material and then after everyone's finished we're going to have a discussion" the professor says. She gives the handouts to a guy up front who starts passing them around. They get to me and I look at it. Thankfully there's not too much text here and it's in pretty plain English, although with some bullshit words thrown in every now and again. I read through it. The first part's just telling me stuff I already know, both because I'm awesome and because I've been hanging around Mike. The whole thing about blaming the poor comes up. The more I think about it, the more I realize that everything wrong with the world can just be blamed on people being douchebags. Like, why do people want to act like poor people choose to be poor? What sense is there in wanting to be wrong all the time? But clearly people do, so it can't really be questioned. It can only be explained.
Then it goes on to talk about stuff I didn't really know about. Like I've said before I tend to avoid philosophy. It's just too ridiculous and there's too many assholes, and they all think they're smart and they're all full of shit. What I'm reading now though is weird. It actually makes sense to me. These guys are talking about how people will make up all sorts of crazy labels just to get their way. Kind of like how that libertarian guy was trying to talk about capitalism with all this rose tinted language even though it's terrible. I mean, it fucking killed a girl man. I was there, I saw it with my own god damn eyes. What the fuck is wrong with people? But it's not just that. Now that I think about it, pretty much all that bullshit philosophy I hate falls under that category too. I'm glad that someone knows their shit and is willing to call bullshit when they see things. It's also good to know that people listen to that. Maybe there are fewer retards in the world than I originally thought. Makes sense to me.
Now that I think about it though, what did the professor want us to do? Are we supposed to pick between one or the other? Because they both sound pretty good to me. I'm having a hard time. I mean, if I had to go with one I wouldn't know which one to pick. On the one hand, all the stuff in the first section is cool because I already know about it and because I'm part of an awesome group of people that know about it. On the other hand, the language stuff seems pretty badass because it lets me explain why pretty much everything I hate is bullshit. Actually, I think it does let me explain why everything I hate is bullshit. So yeah, that's a dilemma. Fuck.
I look over it a few more times and then decide I'm not gonna figure it out. I'll just have to keep my mouth shut so the teacher doesn't yell at me. Let someone else do the talking. I really can't make sense of it and I don't think that's going to change no matter how long I stare at the thing. I'll just have to count on my massive supply of cool points to keep me on everyone's good side. It's worked so far though. I don't get what my deal is. It's kind of funny. I know that I'm awesome but sometimes I do things and on reflection I don't really know why. Like, reflection for example. I don't know why I do that. Obviously there's a reason, it's just part of my character or social conditions or whatever, but I just think it's strange that people can't make sense of themselves. But they can be made sense of and that's the only important thing. It means that a whole bunch of people who think they're smart are actually completely full of shit.
Heh, I guess that actually ties into the whole lecture of today pretty well. Maybe I should just try to make sense of this stuff by applying it to my own life. Like, I wouldn't be where I am right now if it weren't for Mike and for that sniper dude. For the cops in general too. For the drug dealer. So pretty much everything that's happened to me recently didn't have anything to do with my own actions at all. That seems to confirm the idea that society is what controls people. At the same time though, I got that chick into bed by using all those terms and words and stuff from that pamphlet of the anarchist club. The cops got away with it by pretending the couldn't read, and I got people to think I was awesome and crazy at the same time by giving that speech at the funeral. That all has to do with language, doesn't it?
So even that doesn't solve it. Whatever. If she calls on me I'm just telling her that I think both of them are correct. I don't care if that's the wrong answer or not, it's bullshit to give a handout like this and expect people to pick between ideas that all sound awesome. Who even does that? It's like the professor hates people and doesn't want them to learn. I don't get it. If only I could figure out her secret motive. Then I could make sense of the whole affair. That's the problem with life. Even though everything makes sense, it's still hard to make sense of it. Hey! That's actually sort of an answer! It's like, uh, social reality determines stuff, but then language prevents people from figuring out how stuff is determined! It's perfect! I feel so happy. I've put something together, and it seems pretty cool. Hell, it seems pretty much impossible to disprove even. That must make it really good!
The professor is looking around the room. I'm pretty sure she's getting ready to start the discussion. "Ok, is everybody finished?" she says. Nobody responds. Why the fuck do people use questions when they know they aren't going to get answers? Geeze. A couple of seconds pass by. "Ok" she says "let's hear some thoughts" It's quiet. Nobody's saying anything. They're probably busy thinking about the best way to say things. Or maybe they're all just doing the same thing I am. That would sure suck. The professor seems to find the lack of responses funny. "Anyone?" she asks, again without results. "Ok" she looks around the room. "How about you?" she points at a kid in the second row, off to the right. He looks confused. Maybe he just didn't understand the paper at all. That would be funny. Then everyone would get to listen to him not make any sense. It's not like that would be a bad thing though. It would at least let everyone else know what they were in comparison. That seems like a pretty useful role to fill.
"I, uh, think society is a bigger factor in behavior because it determines what you have to deal with, and because language comes from society" the kid says. He looks unsure of himself.
"That's a good point" the professor says "language comes from society. However, does that mean that it can't affect people?" she asks. This time there's an answer, from the kid.
"No" he says, looking simultaneously relieved and disappointed. The professor is looking around again.
"Alright, how about you? What did you think?" she's pointing at a girl in the front row.
"I think that language is more important because it's how people view the world, and like the guy was saying, if you can control how people view the world then you can control people" says the girl, just like that.
The professor is smiling. "That's a classic academic position on language. But like someone else said, what about the fact that language comes from society? Perhaps there are some aspects of behavior which exist independently of language?"
The girl just glowers. The professor moves on. "Ok, do we have any other opinions?" A guy is raising his hand now. "Yes, what did you think?" The guy bursts into his speech.
"Well, I happened to think that both questions were shortsighted. They didn't account for the role of biology. Yes, society and language are important, but they stem from the fundamental conditions of human beings as animals. I know that's an unpopular perspective, but I think it's important. You can't discount things like evolution and biology from the picture." A few people seem confused by this. I'm expecting the professor to tell this guy to shut up because he basically avoided the entire discussion, but she doesn't.
"That's a very good point" she says "academia has a tendency to favor certain perspectives at any one time, even though there may be others which are just as important to understanding the picture." The class isn't so tense now. I think I might even be willing to say something.
"Alright, anyone else? How about you?" she points at me. I guess it's time to give this a shot and hope that my advanced appreciation of stuff carries through in what I say.
"I sort of think that technically society is what determines everything, but that at the same time language prevents people from understanding society. So, like, everything we do is because of social factors but because of how language works we can never understand these social factors and society is always ignorant of how it works. So I guess I would say that both are true." That sounded pretty good, I think. Now just to see how everyone takes it.
"That's very perceptive" the professor says "and in fact I sort of played a trick on you guys here." She has a devious look on her face. "The two positions aren't binary opposites and in fact they work together quite well. As we just had pointed out to us in fact." Fucking awesome. I'm the king of the goddamn classroom. Whatever my destiny is, it seems like it's guaranteed to pretty much be the best thing ever.
The clock starts to get towards the end of class and people start packing up. The professor lets us out a bit early. I think I sort of want to talk to her since she seems pretty smart about stuff, but I don't know... nah, screw it, I'm going to. I go up to her and tap her on the shoulder. "Hey, can I ask you a question?" I say.
"Of course you can. How can I help you?" she says.
"You seem to understand stuff, and I just sort of wanted to know, like..." I'm trying to think of how best to put it. She seems attentive. Then it comes to me. "I know that language makes it so that we can't understand certain things, but does that mean they have to be a certain way? I mean, what I'm trying to say is, if I don't understand people then how do I know for sure what they really are? How do I know that they're anything?" It makes me uncomfortable to ask this question. When I asked Mike that one question earlier thing seemed simpler, but now I'm more confused.
"Well, ultimately we have to recognize our limitations and realize that language is just a lens, albeit one we can't overcome. In that respect, people are always something, although what they are is subjective based on language" she says. I think about that for a couple seconds. There's something about it that I can't really put my finger on. Whatever, I'm probably just being retarded.
"I guess that makes sense" I say. "I don't know though. There's just something about people that makes me uncomfortable sometimes".
She looks concerned. "You're a very smart kid, and I think you're better than others at recognizing the true puzzles of society." For some reason it doesn't seem like an answer, but it's comforting anyways. Besides, if I can't think of what question I want to ask then maybe it doesn't exist. It's just another way language is hiding stuff from me.
"Thanks" I say. I start to leave, then turn around.
"Hey, see you next class" I tell her. She waves me off and starts putting her stuff together. That felt good. I didn't used to understand all this intellectual stuff but now I think I get it. I guess I was just paying attention to the wrong stuff. This is pretty awesome. It just feels right, all the way through. You know, maybe I really should be a professor. If I'm that good at understanding this stuff it seems like a good way to go. The only problem I can see is that it doesn't pay very well, which makes sense. I mean, given how retarded people are you would expect the most awesome people to get paid the least. Except that's not always true because those guys in the UFC get paid a lot I think and that's pretty cool. I mean, it's violence. Violence is always cool. So I guess people get it right sometimes, but most of the time they don't. I'll just have to see what destiny brings.
Now what. I guess just go back to Mike's house. I think I remember how to get back there, but now that I think about it I don't really remember what stop I got on at. Fuck. I'll figure it out though. At least I hope I will. Nah, I'm sure I will. I am a genius after all, the professor even said so. I just need to get off this campus before someone takes my picture again or I run into Johnny or something. If it weren't for that then I would totally hit the gym, but I really just don't want to deal with that. People are stupid. They're continually ruining my plans. I guess it's just another example of how life is socially determined. If they weren't so retarded, then I would definitely be going to the gym right now. It's their fault I'm not super fit and awesome. Er, well, I am awesome, and I am pretty fit, but I mean like Vin Diesel fit and stuff.
Heading back over towards the other side of campus, I see Mike. Thank god. I mean, of course I would have been able to make it back, but walking is pretty lame. I'll be able to get a ride off of him now. Also, there's that whole political meeting later today. I don't even know where it is. With my luck it's probably right after class and everyone would have just gone without me. I would have got home and been locked out and then I would have had to go to a hotel or some bullshit, or at least waited until they got home. Fuck only knows when that would have been. I could have just gone there myself, since I know where it is, but then it probably would have turned out to be later and I would have had to wait for hours and hours. That's how these things always work out, it's such bullshit. It's like the world exists to inconvenience me. I head over and shout and the fucker.
"Hey Mike" I yell. He turns around and sees me.
"Hey, what's up?" he says "We missed you at Anarchist Club". Well at least he doesn't seem pissed about it. I can't tell him I forgot, so I'll just have to make something up.
"Yeah, I got attacked by ninja's on the way over so I didn't get to campus on time" I tell him. Hopefully he buys it.
Grinning, he says "Well I'm glad you're ok." Good, he bought it. I should start using that excuse more often. I bet it's a lot more plausible to people now that they know what I've been through recently. Seems like something that would probably happen to me. With my luck the ninja's would mistake me for the leader of a rival school, somehow missing the fact that I'm not Chinese. Or they'd just get bored and then use that as an excuse. Or something else. I don't know. Life's full of surprises.
"So when is this political meeting you were talking about?" I ask.
"It's in about an hour, but we're going early so we can talk to people and watch the fallout from the corporate killing" he says.
That's kind of a catchy name, although people wouldn't get it unless they've heard Mike talk about stuff before. Or read books or something. I dunno. The point is that a lot of people wouldn't get it even though it's really clever. "So like, what's going on?" I ask.
"Well" Mike says "The police department has finally finished their deliberations on what disciplinary actions they're going to take, and they're going to announce it to the press live tonight because of all the publicity the case has been getting. They'll probably just get away with a slap on the wrist."
"Yeah, probably" I say "So can I get a ride with you?"
Mike laughs. "Of course! You were there, how could I not take you?" It's strange what it takes to make people appreciate you.
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense" I tell him.
"So where even are you parked? Let's just go now" I say.
"I have to wait for Danny and Andrew, they said they'd meet me here" Mike tells me.
"Well call them and tell them to hurry up."
Seems obvious enough to me, but I'm getting a funny look from Mike. "They don't have phones." Retarded. What kind of people don't have phones? I didn't realize these guys were such luddites. Is that the right term? Luddites? Well if it's not I'm saying that it is, and I'm going to keep saying that it is until it actually is. Kind of like that language thing. I'm using words to strike back at my oppressors, who are trying to monopolize them. Their own weapons against them, like some kind of intellectual judo. That's what they get for trying to be all fancy.
I look over and see Mike waving. Off a few hundred yards are Andrew and Danny. That's good. I thought I was going to miss my own party. I mean, that is what this is after all, Mike pretty much just said so. Maybe technically it's that dead girls party too, but she's dead so it doesn't really benefit her that much I don't think. Man, maybe this can be my chance to finally make my move and end up taking over the Anarchist club. That is what I've wanted to do for a while now. Then when that happens, nobody's ever going to do anything without me again. Except maybe work at the soup kitchen. They can do that without me, I don't really care about that.
They come up to us and we all start walking. It feels good to walk with the whole gang together. Like being part of something more badass than just myself. Mike talks first. "So how are classes going?" he asks.
Danny is on the ball with her response. "I got in this big debate today with this super-christian dude about homosexuality. You should have seen it. There were maybe two people that stood up for him and even they backed down once they saw how things were going". That's pretty funny. Leave it to a dyke to go on the intellectual offensive. Scorched Fucking Earth. Awesome. Although now I'm curious and I have to ask something.
"Was that the same Christian guy that stands out on campus and yells about things?" I say.
Danny's looking excited. "Yeah! Yeah, I think it is the same guy. Hahaha, that's pretty funny." It makes sense. I can't imagine that many people being that retarded.
"It was pretty great" says Andrew "he was talking about how homosexuality is a choice and all those ridiculous things..."
"..and we told him that it was predetermined" Danny interrupted. "So he started listing off things that people decided, and he kept asking: 'if people can choose this, and this isn't predetermined, then why is homosexuality any different?" Mike is smiling and Danny and Andrew are both laughing now. Finally Andrew finishes laughing. I'm waiting for the punch line because I know it's going to be good. Even though I can see it coming it's still good; no, it's actually funnier because I can see it coming. He starts it up, and then halfway through Danny chimes in. "And Danny told him, "there isn't anything that's not predetermined, including those things, so you'll never be able to give us an example to support your point".
I'm not disappointed. It was every bit as epic as I thought it would be. We're all laughing as we pile into Mike's car. I sit in the back with Andrew, Danny in the front with Mike. This is the happiest I've ever been to be with people, and the most excited I've ever been for going to some sort of political event. Hell, to some sort of social event at all, really. I mean, pretty much the only reason I ever went before was because they had booze, but I could get that on my own so it wasn't even that big of a deal. Of course it makes sense that I should feel like this. It's destiny. Of course, everything else was destiny too. I don't know though. This is different. It's like... double destiny. Super duper destiny. I don't really know how to describe it, but it sure feels right.
We roll up to a parking meter, we all pile out and Mike puts like a bajillion dollars in quarters into that sucker and then we head on into The Golden Billiard. I haven't been here since I had a drink with that cop. Probably better not to tell anybody about that, I don't know what that would do to my cool points. There are maybe three people at this table over in the corner. It's kind of a let down. Mike made it sound like there were going to be a hundred or so. That would have been a fitting tribute to me. Although we this few people, there's less chance of anyone annoying the fuck out of me. They might even be cool. I sure hope so. What this group lacks in quantity it better make up for in quality, or I'm going to be pissed.
There's two guys and a girl. Then I notice who the girl is. Sitting there at the table is the girl who I joined this club for in the first place. Well, for her and for the prospect of power, but even so it seems fitting. It's like all the pieces are coming together. She got me attracted to her, then Mike got me to join Anarchy Club for her sake, then Anarchy Club almost got me laid with some other girl, then capitalism killed the girl I was going to fuck, and then some other stuff, and now finally here I am. It all makes so much sense. It's machine like even. I love this club, and I'm happy with how things are turning out even in spite of all the bullshit. It's just so nice to be able to look at life and see the strings for once. Especially since it makes so little sense without them. Since there are assholes who try and talk like there aren't any, even though that doesn't make sense at all.
Everyone's watching the tv. There's some talking heads on there, jabbering on about the current realities of the police department and budget concerns and other recent times they've fucked up, and blah blah blah. Whatever. Just get to the part that's about me. It's not like we don't know this stuff anyways, and the people that don't probably aren't going to ever understand it at all, so why talk about it? To waste time, that's why. Oh, and now they're talking about social attitudes about violence. What the fuck does that even have to do with anything? They're cops. Of course they're violent. That's their job, isn't it? I don't get why people try to disagree with things that are the way they are by definition. Such dumbasses.
Finally they cut to a guy out front of a police station. He almost looks like that guy I got drunk with, although that's probably just the tv. Assholes all look the same anyways. Everyone at the table is dead quiet. He's going to announce what they decided to do with the people that shot my sex interest. After waiting a few moments, I guess to make sure the camera people are paying attention or something, he starts talking. Flashes are going off, microphones are all in his face; you know, in that sort of weird pulpit thing. They one that looks like it had sex with a recording booth or something. I don't get how those are everywhere since I never see them when they aren't on tv. Aren't they heavy? It seems ridiculous that they would move them then, instead of just letting them stay wherever it is they tend to get used the most.
"After conducting a thorough review, of the circumstances leading up to the events in question..." he looks down. For a second I wonder why, and then I realize he's reading his lines. Oh my god, what a dumbass. "...we have determined that the officers in question acted without consideration for proper police procedure, resulting in an avoidable mistake culminating in the loss of human life. Therefore..." he looks down again. Everyone at the table is tense.
I hear someone whisper "they're going to get away with it".
He looks up. Flashes are going off. "...we are placing the offending officers on a suspension of duty, indefinite in length, pending a full re-evaluation which includes both psychological and aptitudinal testing. Thank you" he says as the flashes increase in frequency. None of the idiot reporters are saying anything, and just like that, he's disappeared back into the building.
The table comes to life. "Fuckers are going to walk!" says one of the guys. The other is just nodding his head silently.
"That's the government we have all right" says my darling beloved.
Andrew throws in his piece. "I just can't believe it. They shoot a girl and then to make up for it, all they have to do is talk to someone about their feelings and shoot a few targets. That's justice?"
Mike shakes his head. "No, that's society." Everyone is quiet again. It is pretty hard to top that. Suddenly all the knowledge I've amassed doesn't make me feel good, it makes me feel sad. Although the fact that I can feel sad about it reminds me of what I am, and I can't say I don't appreciate the reminder. I guess it's just the tragedy of being smart in this society.
"Well, what can you do?" says the first guy again. That seems pretty much on the money as far as non-questions go, and nobody objects. It breaks the tension at the table and several different conversations start at once. All about politics and pamphleteering and things of that nature, none of which I really care about. After a while of that people start ordering drinks. I'm going straight for the good stuff, no beer tonight. Tonight seems like a good night to spend drunk. There are a couple people at the table who have the same idea, but for the most part it's just sissy drinks all around. That's ok though I guess. A lot of people just don't know how to handle their liquor. It's a skill of mine. And a curse. But the awesome kind of curse, like the kind that turns you into a killer demon dude who can fuck people's shit up and stuff. Except instead of that, I'm just good at getting drunk. Still, I'm pretty sure the two things are similar.
The table's lightened up considerably now. That's the power of alcohol. Maybe two more people have joined us since we started. It seems like it's getting to the point where I should do something, but I can't remember what. Oh yeah! I should totally be making a move on my queen now. When I tried before, I was drunk but she wasn't. Now we're on equal footing. I'm pretty sure it will work. Plus there's the whole being part of the group thing, now. I sort of did follow the angle Mike suggested. So all the pieces are in place. I just need to get my thoughts together, turn to her ever so smoothly and ask her if she wants to fuck me. Then everything I've dreamed of will come to fruition.
Except fruition is a stupid word. It has fruit in it. I hate fruit.
I take a shot of brandy and turn to her. It's now or never. Suddenly, she turns to Mike and starts talking to him. GOD DAMNIT. "Hey Mike" she says "I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate everything you're doing. Through the club, and on your own. Not a lot of people have that kind of commitment." Obvious flirting is obvious. I can't believe it. I'm getting beat to the punch by Mike, of all people. Fucking asshole! I thought he was on my side. Then I just take a second to cool off. I chuckle to myself. It's ok. He is a pretty cool guy, and he's sure better than me at a lot of things. I can appreciate that. I didn't used to think anybody was better than me at anything, but now I think I can deal with it. Besides, I'm part of the group he hangs with, so that means all the stuff he's good at transfers over to me by association. As long as he's a cool guy, and I'm hanging with him, then I'm a cool guy too. So really, in a way I am winning the girl. She could do worse anyways.
"Thanks" he says. That's right, Mike. Play it cool. Let her make the moves so that you don't seem overbearing.
"So how do you find time for all of this?" she says "I can understand going to these events, since I do it, but you run them. You also do a lot of things I can't find time for. I take it you live in the area?" Oh god. This is fun to watch. It's going much faster than I expected. Now it's down to the final move.
"Yeah" he says "over on Yukon street". I would have just gone for it then, but this guy is smart. He's way more patient than I've ever been, and I bet it's going to pay off for him.
"Maybe you could show me around sometime" she says. GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLL. Oh my god, perfectly handled. It's in the bag now. You'd have to be either a retard or a fag to fuck this up now, and Mike's not either.
"Maybe. Like you said though, I am pretty busy. Hey, you've met this guy right?" Mike points her towards me. And just like that, my night's ruined. I thought I had this guy figured out. What the fuck is he doing? This is beyond my comprehension. I mean, I guess I should be grateful. He was making a move on my girl, and he was doing it even though he knew I was interested. Hell, he tried to hook me up with her. But this isn't right. No man gets his friend laid when he could get himself laid instead, and Mike could have. Ridiculously easily even. It doesn't make any sense. You don't pass this sort of thing on to another guy. Not if you can help it. Mike could help it. He was right there, man, right fucking there! There's no way...
...unless. Oh god. It's terrible. I thought I knew this fucker. We slept in the same house, went to the same concert, worked the same stupid charity. He taught me that human nature was something that followed rules. Something that made sense. God Damn hypocrite. That's what he is. Everybody's something, he even said so himself, but he's trying to be more than something. That's what's fucked up about this. It's not even the revelation that he's something else. He's trying to be two different fucking people; no, worse than that. He's trying to be two different fucking people and all the people in between. How can someone be so arrogant? How can someone be such a hypocrite? I thought I could trust him. I thought he made the world make sense, but he didn't. He doesn't. Fuck him. Fuck him, and fuck all this pretentious bullshit.
"Hey Mike, what the fuck man?" I don't care about anything right now. I've been betrayed, and I'm going on a fucking rampage. My thoughts are boiling. Let's bring them out slowly.
"What's wrong?" Mike asks. Yeah, like he doesn't know.
"I've been thinking. You've done a lot for me. You got me into this club and taught me a whole bunch of stuff. You've even been trying to hook me up. And that's what I don't get. I can't help but feel there's something off about you, man."
Mike looks uncomfortable. "I'm not sure what you mean." Ok, now I'm pissed. Now I'm fucking pissed.
"Who the hell is so charitable without ever wanting anything for themselves, huh? What are you trying to prove? Do you think that turning this chick over to me says something about you?" Everybody at the table has gotten quiet. They're all looking at me. I don't care.
"I don't know what you-" Mike starts, but I cut him off.
"Nobody gets more out of seeing his friend hook up than they do out of doing it themselves. So what are you trying to prove? You know what, don't answer that, I think I've figured it out. You're turning her over to me because you can't go all the way. You need somebody to do it for you because you're too busy trying not to think about dicks. Am I right? You need someone else to do it for you so that you don't feel like such a faggot. You're trying to be straight by proxy. Too bad I don't want to deal with your stupid bullshit." Ok, it's out now. I feel better. I also feel like I'm going to cry. What if I'm wrong? I have to be wrong. Oh god, of course I'm wrong. Who the hell am I to think I could put it all together. I'm just jumping at shadows. Mike's going to respond, and he's going to laugh it off. He's going to call me a dick and I'm going to have to apologize, but it will be ok. Everything will make sense. It's all going to make sense in the end.
Then the unthinkable happens. Mike looks down at the table, he's choking up. Then he turns to me. He turns to me and he growls. "Fuck you." He gets up and he walks off. The girl who fucked everything up waits a couple of seconds and then gets up to follow him. The table is dead silent. Nobody knows what the hell to do. I don't know what the hell to do. We all sit there sharing silence, even though it's for different reasons. Even though one of us is going to have to betray the other by breaking the silence. The first words are going to decide the entire night. I can't bring myself to speak. I can't even bring myself to think. God Damn it. I ought to be drunk enough to not feel these things. Fucking bartender. He must be bad at mixing drinks. It's all his fault that this happened. It's all everybody elses fault for fucking things up.
That first dude who's name I don't know or care about is the one to take the initiative. He's pretty straightforward. "You need to leave." I look around the table. Nobody's disagreeing. Fine. That's just fine. I take my last shot, get up and walk out, and I start crying. Hey fuck you! I don't care about your opinion. I walk out. Onto the street, out towards god knows where. It feels like something other than me is moving me. I guess that's technically the way things are. It is the way things are, isn't it? Of course it is. But I can't shake that feeling. That terrible feeling. It's Mike's fault. The feeling is Mike's fault, all his fault, so I don't need to worry about it. I don't need to think about it. It's not real. It doesn't mean anything, I'm just being stupid because other people put me in a stupid situation. That's all that's happened. That's all that's ever happened.
The air is cool out here. Walking. Just walking. Walking and not me. Me as walking, nothing but walking, walking as a substitute for me. That's good. It is. It's good. It takes away the pain. It makes it seem far away, hidden away, somewhere past where things make sense to talk about. Then why am I still talking about it? Nothing makes sense. I haven't felt like this since... well, nevermind when. It's not worth thinking about. It's all bullshit. That's all it's ever been. I could go for a cigarette. I don't smoke, but I'm pretty sure I could. The alcohol isn't working. Why isn't it working? Maybe a cigarette would work though. Maybe I should sue the bar for fucking up my order so bad. Maybe I should sue the people who made the liquor.
It's too much. It really is. And it's everywhere. I can't shake it off. Where am I walking? Where am I going to stay? I don't want to sleep in a hotel. That costs money, and I like money too much to spend it. Suddenly I remember that I left my whiskey back at Mike's house. God damn it. I can't go back now. Then I remember I left my cake there too! Fuck! Just remembering that seems to shake me out of my funk. I chuckle. It was pretty retarded of me to think I could ever be part of some social club, especially one that thinks they're saving the world or something. I mean, it's an Anarchist club. Those two words conflict pretty much by definition, don't they? I didn't say anything before, but now I can. Those guys were stupid. I hate them.
I really don't know where the hell I am now. That's what I get for just walking without paying attention. It's pretty dark right now too. Then something catches my eye. Is it...? Yes, it is! It's that suit wearing guy from the soup kitchen. The one who I didn't give a shit about because he was threatening to be long winded. Well I guess I don't have anything better to do right now. Might as well go talk to him. "Hey" I say, tapping him on the shoulder. He looks startled as he turns around, then he sees me and calms down. For some reason it pisses me off, like he's saying I can't take him. Whatever.
"Remember me?" I ask.
He thinks for a moment."You're the guy from the soup kitchen, right? The one with the sense of humor?"
"Yeah, I guess" I say "So I have time now, do you want to tell me that long story of yours?"
"I'm not sure that would be appropriate" he says. Dumbass. Why did he make it sound so intriguing in the first place then?
"Hey look, I'm tired, I've just dealt with a lot of bullshit ok? I got kicked out of an anarchist club for being too hardcore for them, coming on the heels of getting fucked over by the cops and a life that's been pretty much stupid in general" I tell him. It's on his shoulders now, and he looks reluctant to have to deal with it but he does so based on what I assume is some sort of retarded sense of duty.
"Well if that's the case, maybe you are the sort of person I can talk to about this. Walk with me and I'll try and fill you in" he says. Well that was easy enough. Hopefully the story is worth it. I really don't want to get let down after all this.
"Ok. Well as you noted yourself, I don't really look like the sort of guy that ought to be in a soup kitchen, and there's a reason for that. Until recently..." he glances around "I was the lead programmer on a project for the defense department."
"That doesn't really answer how you got here" I say, and he looks at me and rolls his eyes.
"Well there's more to it than that. Applied Supersystems had a contract to produce an advanced sentient algorithm. It was based on theories I had developed and tested as a grad student, but in order to get it working in any useful degree I had to have a development team. So I pitched it to them, and they turned around and pitched it to the defense department, and then before I know it I was in business." This story is almost interesting, except for the part where nothing interesting has happened yet. I do remember hearing about some of this stuff before somewhere. Oh yeah, now I remember.
"Isn't Applied Supersystems supposed to be terrible?" I ask.
The guy looks at me with a knowing glance. "You have no idea" he says "the hassles I was getting from upper management were absurd, especially considering none of them understood the project. We had to account for all of our progress on a daily basis. Of course, some of that had to do with our funding requirements, but it was still a major hassle. Even with full documentation there's no way they would be able to find a replacement for me, so it was all just hoops to jump through." That's pretty easy to understand. This guy's smart or something, so he doesn't like stupid people either. Then again he's probably stupid in some way. I'm not going to get too involved.
"You still haven't explained why you were in a soup kitchen" I tell him.
He looks exacerbated. "The idiots lost the documentation" he says. "We wrote down every single aspect of the project we were working on, every iteration of every line of code, and they still lost it." Now I'm starting to get agitated.
"And?" I say.
"And it's a sentient program! We created it, we got it working, and then we lost the documentation. So that meant there was only one way left to duplicate it. That meant..." he trails off.
"What?" I say.
"It meant I had to steal it. I had to steal the end result of our work. I had to steal a project that was developed for the benefit of the United States Military." Ok, that's kind of interesting. But he seems pretty stupid in how he's explaining himself.
"Why did you have to? It's not like anybody has to do anything." I say it and then catch myself after the fact. I can't believe I just said something so stupid.
"Believe me, I know that better than anyone" he says.
"So then why did you do it?" I press him.
"Because I have a better appreciation than most of what it means to be human" he puts it simply.
I laugh. What a retarded explanation. "But it's a computer program, it isn't human. By definition it isn't human" I tell him.
Hopefully that will clear things up. Dumbass.
"That's what the courts would say too. It doesn't matter if I took the case before a judge or a jury, they'd see things the same way. By the time it happened the deed would already be done, and it would be done with US military approval so the chance of things working out well are infinitesimally small. It might not even make it before a civil court at all."
Too many words. Yawn.
"So I guess that's why you couldn't just tell the press like in a movie? I guess that makes sense. Why didn't you just run to Mexico though?" I ask him. We're walking through a park now.
"The company would have hired bounty hunters, and they tend to be pretty efficient at tracking people down their. The good ones have contacts and tools. Running to Mexico doesn't work anymore, information and private forces can travel where old fashioned police forces can't" he says. Ok, now that sounds pretty badass. Coming from a guy this white looking though, it's kind of loses something. How the hell does he even know something like that? He's probably just making it up.
"But why are you still here, in this city?" I ask him.
"Because the police services in this city suck" he answers simply. Hard to argue with that. I guess it's always the simplest plans that are the best.
"What happens if you get caught though?" I tell him.
He looks troubled. It takes him a few moments to respond. Then he gives me an answer. "I don't know."
Dumbass. How can someone so smart be so stupid? It's pretty obvious this isn't going to end well for him. At least the story was interesting. I notice that he's expecting some sort of response from me now that he's told me the whole story. I guess I can't blame him. It makes sense to be jumpy given the circumstances. I suppose I should let him know he didn't make a mistake by telling this shit to me. What's the most comforting thing I could say? "That wasn't a very long story" I tell him.
He laughs. "It seemed longer in my head."
"Yeah, that's what she said." He laughs again, this time louder and with a kind of strange manic energy. It creeps me out a little.
"Hey, what's your name?" he asks.
"What's yours?" I answer.
He grins. "I asked you first."
"Well then fuck you" I respond. I start to walk off.
"Woah, woah, woah, hold up" I hear from behind me. This better be good. I turn around and walk back over to him, a little pissed. "If you want to see it, you should come over to my place. Tomorrow. It's apartment 204 on Washington and Maple."
I'm not exactly thrilled. "See what, your dick?" He gets really exacerbated and looks like he's about to have a conniption.
"No" he shakes his head "the program."
That's a little better. "Oh" I say. I give it a little bit of thought. "I'll have to check my schedule."
"Yeah, sure thing" he says, sounding disappointed. I think about saying something else. It feels like I ought to say something else, but I really don't want to say something else, so I don't. I just walk off. It doesn't stop feeling wrong just the same, and when I reach the first affordable looking hotel it still feels like maybe I fucked up. Then again, you can't help destiny, right? No sense worrying about it. I'm going to go to sleep and that will be the end of it.
Maybe.