Chapter 46

Fenris paused just inside the chantry doors. He had never set foot inside this place without Hawke, for the place made him uncomfortable. He always felt as if he didn't have the right to be there, as if his presence sullied the place. Sebastian was always telling him that he had nothing to feel guilty about, that the blood on his hands was the fault of his master. It was a hard thing to come to terms with. And now he was here, not for himself, but for the man he loved. For a mage who needed help beyond what he was capable of giving. A few years ago, he couldn't have imagined such a situation.

"Fenris?" Sebastian said softly, snapping the elf out of his thoughts. "Is Gavin okay?"

"No," he shook his head. Seeing the alarm cross the prince's face, he hastened to reassure him. "Physically he's fine, mentally I'm not so sure. I don't know what to do or who to look to so I-"

"Came to seek the Maker's help," Sebastian finished for him. "He's still not talking is he?"

Fenris shook his head. "He eats when I put the food in front of him, bathes when I fill the tub and put him in it, but that's about it. I talk to him about anything and everything and all I get is silence. And now, he's not sleeping through the night. He's having bad dreams that keep him awake. As each day goes by, he withdraws from us further. Even Fang has had no luck in getting his attention."

Sebastian sighed, unsure what to say. "I believe in prayer, and I've been praying for him. So has Elthina. But perhaps more is needed now. The question is what else can we do to help him."

"Excuse me, but how is Hawke?"

They both looked up to see Cullen standing there dressed in regular clothing. "I guess that explains why we didn't hear you approach," Fenris looked him up and down. "I didn't think templars ever went without their armor."

"Just like any other guards, templars do get off duty time," Cullen chuckled. "I get a couple of days every month to just be me." He looked at them, his expression turning serious. "I've heard some of the gruesome details of Hawke's mother's death. I wish I could say I'd never heard of such happenings. Unfortunately, I was a witness to similar atrocities in the Ferelden Circle."

"Anders is from there but he never says anything," Sebastian told him.

"He had escaped shortly before that time," Cullen shook his head. "One of the senior enchanters, Uldred, proved to be a blood mage. He had managed to recruit a few young enchanters and apprentices and taught them the dark arts too. They tried to overthrow the Circle, capturing and torturing mages and templars alike. Those who succumbed to the torture were turned into abominations. Those who didn't were slaughtered."

"How did you survive?" Fenris asked.

"Knight-Commander Greagoir had ordered the Tower sealed and called for the Right of Annulment," Cullen continued. "Everyone, both guilty and innocent, would have been destroyed. Except, because of the Blight, the Hero of Ferelden came to the tower to force the mages to honor the treaty they'd signed."

"You mean Queen Kendra?" Sebastian interjected. Seeing the puzzled look on Cullen's face he elaborated. "We met her when Hawke led us in pursuit of Anders."

"Well she was just a simple Grey Warden back then, newly made one at the time in fact," Cullen nodded. "She convinced Gregoir to allow her and her companions, which included Alistair, before he was king, to enter the tower to deal with the problem. She managed to stop Uldred, freeing myself as well as Irving, Wynne and several other mages. I was the only templar locked inside that survived. I was reassigned here afterwards."

"Only those of us who have witnessed the horror mages can inflict on others can truly appreciate what the Circles do for all of Thedas," Fenris said firmly. "But not all mages are like Denarius or Uldred."

"No, not all," Cullen admitted. "It took some time for me to come to terms with what I suffered at their hands. But when I was able to look past it, I was able to remember the good as well as bad. Hawke is one of the most talented, yet most honorable, I've met."

"He is having nightmares," Fenris grudgingly told him. "He wakes up saying things like 'No' and 'I won't' and so on."

"When mages dream, they go to the fade and there demons try to gain control of them," Cullen frowned. "It sounds like a demon is trying to break his will."

"Gavin is strong, he won't break," Fenris said firmly.

"Are you sure?" Sebastian worried.

Fenris nodded. "I just need to find a way to get him to see that none of what's happened is his fault."

"I hear a but in there," Cullen encouraged.

"I get the feeling he's pushing me away," Fenris reluctantly admitted. "And not just me, but Jethann and Fang too. How can we help him if he won't let us in?"

"Perhaps you're too close to him," Sebastian mused. "Maybe he will talk to an outsider. I might be able to get Elthina to go visit him."

"Let me talk to him," Cullen suddenly said. "I am an outsider and I have some unique experiences that may be relevant to his situation."

"It's worth a shot," Sebastian looked to Fenris. "We really have nothing to lose by trying."

"By rights, you should be taking him into custody and placing him in the Circle," Fenris looked shrewdly at him.

"And you and Sebastian, as good citizens, should have turned him in," Cullen pointed out.

"I suspect that we have similar reasons for not doing so," Sebastian smiled softly. "He has proven that he is no threat to us or the city and its people. Beyond that, he's become a good friend to many of us."

"If you really want to talk to him, let's not waste any more time," Fenris said and turned to leave.

Cullen followed the elf and the prince back to the Amell estate. He kept his head down to minimize the chances of anyone seeing him. He was the Knight-Captain, second in rank amongst the Kirkwall Templars. It was one thing to not report an apostate. It was quite another to openly associate with one. He was one of the few templars who didn't see mages as dangerous animals that needed to be caged all the time. Yes, they needed watching, but some of the actions Meredith wanted to take went too far in his opinion. He'd been successful in talking her out of most of it. But, if she got the idea his loyalty was compromised then all bets were off.

When he passed through the door of the mansion, he couldn't quite keep from feeling like a fish out of water. The place reeked of prestige and money, the furnishings understated but expensive. He began to wonder if perhaps he was making a mistake. At least until he was shown into the study and got a good look at Hawke. The mage was lying on the sofa and staring into the fire in the large fireplace. His hair was uncombed and his face unshaven. But most disturbing of all was the blank look in the once vivid green eyes and the dark circles under them that made him look like death warmed over. He understood now the desperation that drove Fenris to the chantry.

"You have company Gavin," Fenris said softly, sitting in one of the chairs and motioning Cullen to the other. There was no response from the mage.

Sebastian moved to the large double doors leading to the patio and opened one of them letting in a soft breeze. "It's a nice day Hawke. Too nice to be cooped up in here in front of a fire, which you don't really need." There was no reaction. He looked at Cullen and arched a brow.

Cullen thought for a while on what to say. Finally he decided to begin with his first year at the circle and go from there. A couple of times in the course of his tale he saw a flicker of something in Hawke's eyes, but the man remained silent. He continued on through the horror of Uldred's reign of terror. His voice dropped to a near whisper at the memory of being caged, his thoughts being intruded upon.

"You survived that?"

The whispered question brought his head up with a snap to see that Hawke was looking at him. "Yes. I was strong enough to survive. I lost some very close friends to a blood mage's lust. Yet, here I am, living and breathing, carrying on with my duties. I often wondered why, of all the templars there, I was spared. When I arrived here, Elthina answered that question for me. She said the Maker gives us all a purpose in life and that my purpose was not yet fulfilled."

The mage looked over at Fenris, "You shouldn't be here," Gavin told him, "I'm cursed."

"Why do you say that?" Cullen cast a warning glance at Fenris when he saw the elf about to protest.

"I'm an apostate," Gavin looked at him like the answer was obvious. "Because I flount the chantry's rules, the people I love are made to pay the price."

Cullen just stared at him in shock before stating incredulously, "Do you really think the Maker is that cold-hearted?" Seeing the doubt on Hawke's face he clarified his statement. "If the Maker cursed you for that, then he would have cursed me for allowing you to remain free. Or Fenris, Sebastian or your other friends for not turning you in."

Gavin sat up and stared at him, causing Fenris' heart to leap with hope. "When you put it that way, it does seem far fetched."

"Hawke, I was taught that the Maker forgives us for our sins," Cullen told him. "Even blood mages and murderers can find forgiveness if they are truly sorry for the harm they do. He would not punish you for such a small offense."

"Then why do I feel like a failure?" Gavin pleaded.

"Hawke, I've told you before, what happened to your family was beyond your control," Sebastian came to sit on the sofa next to him. "It was their fate and that is solely in the hands of the Maker."

"Look at all you have accomplished," Cullen spoke up. "You exposed a plot against my templars. Young men whose lives were just beginning were saved by your actions, which were taken at great risk to you. You brought Feynriel to us to get help and when we failed, you took steps to make sure he posed no further danger to anyone. I know this torments you but it was the only thing you could do."

"I made him tranquil," Gavin argued. "That's a fate worse than death."

"Maybe, but the only other option would have been to order his execution," Cullen argued. "You entered the fade in an attempt to save him. You did the best you could do and that's all we can ever do."

"You saved me from the hunters," Fenris reminded him. "Without you, I would have been enslaved to Danarius once again. You rescued Orana and gave her a home and a job. You gave Jethann a chance at a better life."

"You saved Yehven's son from certain death," Sebastian put forth. "You stopped that mad elf from causing further death and destruction. If not for you, hundreds more would have died. And to help you do all this, you gathered a diverse group of talented individuals and united them in a common purpose."

"Do you see what this means?" Cullen asked him. "It means that this is the path the Maker has chosen for you. And when your purpose has been fulfilled, you too will be called home to the Maker's side. You will see your family again."

"Gavin, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you," Fenris said firmly. "I would not trade one day of what we have for long life and safety."

"I'm sorry," Gavin choked out as tears began to run down his cheeks.

Fenris moved to sit beside him and took him in his arms. "You don't have to apologize. I understand."

Cullen and Sebastian stood up and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him. Sebastian turned to the Knight-Captain, "Thank you for this. I know it hurt to remember those bad times at the Circle."

"What doesn't break us makes us stronger," Cullen told him. "Knight-Commander Greagoir told me that after the mess with Uldred."

"I think he's going to be alright," Sebastian looked back.

"He will be," Cullen nodded. "He's very strong and he has great friends who care about him."

"It's almost time for dinner," Sebastian said. "Care to join me? My treat."

"I would be honored your highness," Cullen nodded as they headed out.

"Please, call me Sebastian."

"Very well, Sebastian," the templar said easily.