Hi there!

Where do I even start? I have no words to describe how I'm feeling about last night's episode. It was definitely classic, high intensity Castle. In honor of that, I wrote a one shot similar to the one I wrote for "In the Belly of the Beast".

Honestly, this all just tumbled out, so I hope it makes sense haha!

Enjoy!

What constitutes fear? What constitutes pain? What constitutes anger? What exactly is the limit or the deciding factor when you're dealt a hand of cards that you weren't expecting? What is that climactic moment in your life when you realize something is about to change and leave you with the inability to continue on as you had before? These questions are ones that may never cross your mind until your world comes crashing down around you.

As I sit here helpless as I've only done once previously, I am struck with a new appreciation for my fears and pain and anger. They were so well hidden, so well managed, so well forgotten. I had the best possible hold I could on them before this moment, but when the single most important person in my life vanished into this air, a sorry, little "help her" written on the dirt on her cruiser, my emotions took an entirely new turn. The flood gates opened, unable to hold back the storm that now consumed me.

Before any of this. Before she left the loft this morning, before she called me to consult, before Tyson was in the precinct, before she left to pick up the girl, my emotions were sealed tight, no reason to feel anything. No reason because she kept me at ease. No matter how dangerous or daunting a situation, we had each other and we would get through it; that's how it had always been. That's how it was always supposed to be.

Now, I'm not sure where my fears start or stop. I'm not sure if I've always been this afraid or if it's something new. Have I always looked at bystanders so menacingly? Have I always suspected my friends and neighbors of trying to tear my life apart? I sit here, my heart going a million miles a minute, my palms sweaty, and my eyes filled with tears, trying to piece together any information I can; anything that will point us in the right direction.

The pain I feel in my gut is indescribable. I truly am at a loss for words. Because how do you try and heal a wound that can only be fixed by the presence of one person? You can't. And again back to my fears; it's the scariest thing I've ever had to face. I have to ask myself the question, 'Will this pain ever go away?' Or am I going to be left with this for the rest of my days? Am I going to have to relive this in a days' time? Put on a suit and watch my friends in their dress blues. Will I go home alone and feel it again, burning deep in my chest as I sit on the edge of our bed. Will it shoot up at inopportune times like in front of a Starbucks or when I see a baby and be reminded that she was ready. She didn't have to say it for me to know. If this pain never goes away, I don't know how I will continue on with my life.

Then I find myself in a fit of rage, ready to tear through the precinct at a million miles a minute. I want to scream and cry and slam my fists into the desk, begging everyone working to work ten times harder. Logically I know we're all doing everything humanly possible. Emotionally, though, I can only keep my profanity to myself as everything moves in slow motion. Time is of the essence; time is ticking. Time is not our friend. If I wanted to do anything more than find her, it would be to put a bullet through Tyson's skull. Even then, I don't think it would ever be enough to forget the pain and suffering he has put me, my family, and my friends through throughout the years. Even his death would not pay for his sins.

And before I know it, I'm thinking of all the things I could have done differently. I could have stayed away from his cell in holding and in the interrogation room. I knew I was provoking him. I knew I was only making things worse. But I didn't care. I thought we were finally bringing the bastard to his knees. I thought I was providing the blows that would finally make him crack. How wrong I was. I could have pushed myself so much harder. We were doing everything we possibly could to bring him down. But what if I could have been there sooner, longer, thinking harder and digging deeper? Could we have solved this before she was taken? But perhaps the thing I'm kicking myself for the most is letting her go alone. When has it ever been a good idea to respond to a call alone? I should have insisted I go with her, not taking no for an answer. And if I would have been with her, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe we would have seen that it was just a trap and returned to the precinct safe and sound. If only.

Because unlike the last time I was stuck sitting in the damn chair, wondering where she was, I have no clue what could possibly be happening to her. When she went in as Elena, we at least had a partial address to set us at ease. We had a location; a clue to get her back. Now, we're completely in the dark. No one will say or even bare to think it. Jerry Tyson knows what he's doing. He covers his trails before he makes them. His words are twisted and wrapped into a story so elaborate that it has to be true. He could tell you that he was lying and you would insist that he was telling the truth. He could have her tied up in the closet, and you would find yourself in Arizona because that's where he told you to go.

The fact that she is missing is scary enough. But that fact that he is behind it all is enough to put you in the grave. I feel as though I could vomit thinking about what he's doing to her.

And that's where I have to stop myself. That's where my fears and pain and anger become too much for me to handle. If I let myself go down that path, nothing good or positive will ever happen. So for now, I have to try my best to keep a straight face and bottle my emotions. Emotions won't find her. Emptions sometimes only make things impossible; they fog reality and make you act on impulse. I don't need impulse right now. I need information. I need clues. I need to know what to do next.

I need my wife.

I need Kate.

Please review!

xoxo