It's so scary how you can just wish the devil up right? Here I am thinking about this man and he shows up at my firm instantaneously. Bull fucking shit. This is some crazy you'd read about in a book or see in a movie, and it's happening to me. I just love how Im a target for the bullshit fairy. I guess she just piles arrows with bullshit and shoots them at me.. Which is sad because she doesn't care if I'm sitting on my bathroom floor crying my eyes out. She has no idea how badly I crave his unneeded presence. I crave his unapologetic need to be an asshole, but I hate him so much I want nothing more than for him to never be in my line of sight again. Ugh oxymoronic bullshit...
Anyway, so Fitz is standing here and explaining how his ex wife is divorcing him and wants half of his company and all I can think about is how much I hate him. " I hope she beats the hell out of you too on top of taking half your company." Is really what I want to say. But out of respect and pure professionalism I stay quiet. "I need your help Olivia she can't take half the company it meant so much to my dad and you're the best lawyer I know. I'll pay very well." As if he's reading the no from my face he pulls out a pen and writes 2,000,00$ on a sheet of paper and slides it to Abby. Abby looks at me and mouths out the words "sorry". He looks at me hopelessly and finally I speak, "Alright, we'll help you. Abby go find out everything you can about what did you say her name wa-" he looks at me and slowly mouths outs. "Melody Grant." I nod, "Find out everything you can about Melody Grant. Huck see how much the company is worth and how long it's been in the family. Somebody call Harrison and tell him I have a job for him. Quinn go get me coffee put some cream and sugar in it. After that's done bring it in here." They all scurry around leaving Fitz, his friend, and me in the room alone. His friend finally says something."Oh I'm Stephen by the way." I really don't care. "Great it's nice to meet you." No it's not. Then that's when I notice it. Fitz is staring at me. I mean he's staring at me like he can see my soul, it made me feel so naked. No not naked naked but emotionally naked. Almost vulnerable. Then he speaks. "I really am sorry Olivia." I can't stop my mind from saying Are you fucking serious? I really am sorry Olivia? This mf has some nerve. You're sorry? You can honestly keep that. I don't need your apology I don't need you standing in front of me right now. Yet I say nothing, although I'm consumed with my thoughts. For ten minutes we had the most intense stare down in the history of stare downs. I mean I was basically tearing him apart with my eyes. He finally speaks."Can we talk in private?" Hell the fuck no. And this is what I don't get, I guess my heart talked to my mouth before my mind did because I said the DUMMEST shit, I mean seriously Olivia why? "Follow me to my office." This is what I can't grasp about feelings, why am allowing someone who tore me apart to walk into my office with me alone to talk about how he hurt me?
He follows close behind me I mean so close that I can feel him breathing on my neck. We walk in and he closes the door behind himself. This can either end one of two ways, either one we don't talk and he just takes me right now on this desk... Orr two we talk and I walk out of here more hurt than I was when I walked in. He stands there silently taking in the atmosphere of my office. "Your office.. It's very you." What the fuck does that mean? "I need a drink." I walk over to my desk and quickly grab my wine and a glass from my bottom drawer and sit down. "You want a glass?" He looks at me suspiciously, "no, I just want to talk to you." Aw hell Im not having sex on this desk today. "I'm listening.." He sits down on the sofa directly in front of my desk and I can see tears pooling in his eyes. Are you serious, now you're going to cry? I take a sip of wine to calm myself. "I don't know how to say this.. But I keep thinking about you and how we ended. I mean I know it was 10 years ago and you were only 16. And things got so messy... But I think about you everyday and I just I can't help but feel bad about the way.. How I treated you it wasn't right. I guess what I want to say is I'm sorry for hurting you." By the time he let out that last word my entire glass of wine was down my throat. I filled my glass up again, and I drank it all. I mean what does he expect me to feel? I have sat on my bedroom floor every night for the past ten years and yearned for this apology. He was my world, and I guess that's why my life was so fucking empty when he left.. So yeah I needed some liquid courage to speak because I could feel pain growing in the back of my throat.."What was the point of you telling me this?" He looks down as if he's afraid of me. Twiddling his hands that I wished her wrapped around me. "I just.. I thought maybe you think about me too." I pour more wine in my glass, I take one sip. He hurt you Olivia he hurt you... I am someone who believes there's a beauty in truth, that it undoubtedly gives the blind vision... so I speak. "You know, I do.. I think about you all the time Fitz. Because the way we ended... The way you treated me. I think about it every day. I just kept asking myself what did I do? Was it because I was younger than you? I mean I was only 16 and I was a Senior in high school and you were 19 and in college. And you had your own place and I lived with my parents... But I was so stupid for you, I thought the world of you. Hell you were my world.. I would've done anything for you I really would've. But what was it about me that wasn't enough? What was it about me that made you say those things to me? Did you ever even love me, or care about me? Or mean any of those things you said to me? I remember when I first met you.. I hated myself so much, but I thought it was okay because YOU thought I was perfect. You told me every single day that I was the most beautiful girl you'd ever seen.. I believed you... I don't anymore... It's been 10 years and I hate you so much for everything you did to me... Every lie you told me... And you're sitting in my office apologizing for damage you did 10 years ago... You know what, I think you're ten years too late Fitz, 10 years too fucking late." He looks up at me aware that he's done some damage. And I can see it, the guilt pooling inside of him ready to explode into my office floor. "It's never too late to right a wrong.." He looks at me, and his eyes are telling me a story that I don't want to hear. He's the worst kind of asshole.. He's the kind that apologizes for his bullshit because he doesn't want it on his conscience. "You know what beats the hell out of me? The fact that you think about the worst day of my life as a "wrong" a wrong. Wow. How about after I win this little divorce bullshit for you, how about you forget I ever existed? How about you never think about me again for the rest of your life?" I can see my words echoing in his head and replays of our last encounter echo in my mind. He stands up, looking as if I'd broken him. This moment should make me feel like an ass kicker, I should feel like I won the damn Olympics, I told him about himself I gained bragging points. I gave him a vocal assassination. But for some reason it just breaks me even more. I am aware of my feelings for him because breaking him, breaks me. He looks me in the eyes and brings these words straight from the bottom of his heart, "Olivia, I did love you. I do love you." His words spill into me like a faucet meeting a bath. The second he's out the door my legs give out underneath me and I hit the ground. I can't believe it but for some reason I believe his lying ass. I believe him, he loved me. He loves me. Beats the hell out of me.