Transparent for a while

"What are you suggesting Albus? Damn his family! I don't care what the ministry wants I am not gonna let him go back to that hell hole. He is my godson. He is staying here! He stays with me!"

"Sirius, please sit down. I am not attacking you. I am simply telling you what must happen. There are healers at St. Mungoes that have brought Harry's well being to the ministries attention. At the moment the ministry is being examined very closely. They have requested that Harry undergo evaluation to determine the emotional state he has been left in after this ordeal." Harry heard the old man sign, "I do not think this a bad idea. The happenings of the past month or so would have been a lot for young Harry to deal with."

"Bull! He is dealing with it fine! He is not going to be taken apart by some physiologist who thinks he knows anything about being human. I won't let it happen! I am his godfather! James and Lily left me in charge! Harry doesn't need a shrink. He is fine!"

"Black, they have lined you up for evaluation as well. St. Mungoes's does not think a man who had spent the last seven years in Azkaban is in the right state to take care of an eight year old."

"Fuck them!"

"Sirius, please calm down. This shouting is bound to wake Harry."

"I don't give a fuck! You are not taking him away from me! And you are not sending him back to the Dursley's!"

"Sirius-"

"Remus, you can't seriously be agreeing with this bullshit! James wouldn't have wanted this to happen!"

"James is dead Sirius, who knows what he would have done in this situation."

"James was my best friend! What do you know?"

"I was his friend to, Sirius, and I know he would have thought about this with more reason. You are acting irrationally. Think for a moment. Think about what dum-"

"I am the adult! I make my own decisions. And I am not letting Harry out of my sight. He needs me! He needs me! If I am not there, who is going to help him get dressed and make his breakfast and read him stories?"

"Potter is not an infant Black."

"Fuck off mad-eye I don't remember talking to you!"

"He has a point Sirius. We have been treating Harry like he was still a one year old. It is not right and not healthy."

"Are you telling me I am unhinged?"

"I am trying to tell you that I think all the things that have happened the past decade is catching up with you. Padfoot, you are not okay. I am worried about you mate. Please just think about this for a moment. I know that Harry means a lot to you. He means a lot to me too. But the way we have been interacting with him is not normal. He is not James Sirius, and he is not the little boy you babysat whenever Lily and James went out for a bit."

"I don't think of him as being either." Sirius's voice has finally reached the breaking point. It was no longer a confusion of pain and anger. Pain had won.

"Sirius, you drink yourself to sleep every night. Harry isn't stupid. He knows you aren't alright. You are suffering Sirius. You are hurting old friend. Both of us can hear you muttering in your sleep. You scare him sometimes. Sirius…"

" – "

The sound of Sirius's body falling into a chair.

"I am – I am trying."

"I am well aware of the fact. Please understand that I am not attempting to keep the two of you apart. We must however take into account the fact that Harry needs stability. He also needs protection, I fear now more than ever before. He must go back to his aunt and uncles house."

"They are neglecting him headmaster."

"I am afraid my boy, that there is little we can do. Harry can come visit you wherever he likes. I will give you that much. Once you have the approval of St. Mungoes healers, you are allowed to visit him anytime within reason. But he cannot stay with you. Not yet."

"I am his godfather."

"then I hope you also realize, he is your godson. You are supposed to do what is best for him."

" - "

"When do we take him back to the Dursleys Headmaster?"

"The ministry has arranged for one of their employed doctors to come and talk to Harry tomorrow. The future depends upon the report the doctor delivers to the wizengamont."

"What do we do?"

"Sirius will go off to St. Mungoes in a week or so. You are free to do as you please. The ministry seems to have overlooked your involvement in this all together."

" – "

"I must be off, thank you for inviting me Lupin." The sound of Mad-eye struggling to put on his coat. "Would you, give the lad this when he, er, wakes up. It is Christmas and all."

" – "

"Merry Christmas Alastor."

"Albus…Black."

" - "

The front door slammed shut.

"Why is this happening all of a sudden, headmaster?" he heard Sirius's raw voice start again. "I promised him he could stay. I can't break that promise."

"It was a foolish promise to make Padfoot, we both now when things are too good to be true."

"Things will be better when they return back to norma-"

Harry slowly pushed the door shut, and stepped away from it. He had been listening to the conversation in the kitchen for a while now. He pushed at the tear tracks on his face with his palm. He felt empty. Harry crawled back in between the covers. Tonight had started out so good. There was a big lunch. And many people he didn't know spent hours telling him how much he looked like his dad but with him mum's eyes.

He wished they were here still. Telling him those things. They made him feel so happy.

She says her name is Cathleen. She is rather pretty. She has a kind voice. She isn't as pretty as Harry's mum. Her hair is a dull light brown color, it is thin and messy. Her eyes are brown too, but they look black in the dim light that shines through the windows. She wares baggy clothes. They make her look fat and she has a gap in-between her two front teeth. She smiles easily, and Harry can see that this is a very weird woman. Because when she smiles it is not because she is happy or finds something funny. She smiles because she is at peace with everything around her. Harry can't like her however. She is the lady that is going to send her back to the Dursleys.

Sirius woke Harry up early to open up the Christmas presents. It wasn't nearly as much fun as Harry thought it would be. After watching Dudley do it for so long Harry thought it would be grand. But he was still too upset about the conversation the adults had last night to be truly happy. Opening all the presents Sirius and Moony bought him, and all the presents last night's strangers left him, Harry found himself not feeling one bit more happy than he did when he woke up.

There was a sad quality to the way Sirius and Moony watched him open his presents. Sirius and Moony didn't talk much. The both had a haunted look in their eyes. They both seemed as sad as Harry felt. When the contents of the last wrapped package was pushed aside into a pile Harry received two bone crushing hugs. Harry didn't much like hugging but he hugged back anyway. He knew that they were upset because he had to go back to the dursleys and in a way it made him feel good. He was glad that they were upset about it.

She takes another sip of her coffee and continues to scribble on her note pad, "What are these nightmares about then?" she asked after the appropriate amount of silence. "You say you have been having them for a while now. Always the same one. What happens?"

Harry scratches his elbow and rolls his lip between his teeth, "Haden. I dream about Haden and the night when he killed those people."

Her face remains calm, "Haden, the warden of the prison your godfather was in?" she asked sounding only a bit interested, "he was an odd character isn't he?"

Harry nods slowly, he just told her that Haden killed people and she didn't blink twice. She took it without any question. She was really weird. "I think he is just sad. Very lonely. All he has is that dog." Harry waited for her to disagree. But Cathleen didn't.

She nodded politely, "If that is what you choose to believe then you are right. I thought he was very odd and extremely interesting to be honest. I don't really fancy his job much though. He had a horrible job."

"he saved my life. Those men he killed they tried to hurt me. Haden saved my life by killing them. Even though he is very sad he is also a nice man." Harry stated, "We were walking home through the village, it was right after I went to see Sirius. Mad-eye said he couldn't take me home but that Haden would take me home. We were walking along and then something hit me in the back and I fell forwards. By the time I got back onto my feet he had already killed one of them. Someone kicked me into a tree then and I watched as he killed the last two."

"It must have been a terrible thing to see Harry, did Haden get injured?" she asked with a frown, "It sounds like he was being awfully brave."

"I think he enjoyed killing those men. Which is rather sick. Whenever I see his face in my dreams I see that he was enjoying it." Harry muttered as he looked into her black eyes, "Why would he enjoy it?"

"Well, Haden was a soldier in the war. He was a sick man. He did some terrible things in the war Harry." Cathleen answered before she took another sip of coffee. "Have you ever seen anybody else act like that before?"

Harry shook his head. "He saved my life. I wish he would have come to the Christmas party last night. He wasn't here."

Cathleen frowned and then smiled, "you trusted Haden didn't you? Between Sirius, Remus and Haden who do you trust the most?"

"None of them." Harry answered, "I trust Mad-eye the most."

"Moody? Interesting…why would you say you trust him the most Harry?" she inquired.

"Well, because, he trusts me. He – he treats me like I'm an adult. Everyone else treats me like I am a kid." Harry explained. "and I know that I am a kid but – but it is nice that he treats me like more. But Mad-eye is sad too. He is just as sad as Haden."

Cathleen smiled again and her eyes softened, "You are very compassionate Harry. You are a very sensitive boy." She placed her empty cup on the table and leaned over towards him, "How about the two of us take a walk out? I know it is cold but I would love to see more of the countryside."

"Why?" Harry asked suspiciously. "there is nothing to see but bare trees and sheep."

She un-smiled again and leaned away from him, "I live in the city, there aren't any sheep there."

Harry nodded slowly, "We – won't go far from the house will we?"

"No, just up to the wall at the other end of the field. We can look out onto the rest of the country from there. I am dying for a fag and I really don't think I should be smoking in a stranger's house." Cathleen said standing up. "We won't be long I promise." Harry followed her towards the door and out into the chilly afternoon air. As he door closed behind him he swore he could hear the sound of Sirius cursing.

"So Harry, tell me what you think about your godfather." She asked as they walked across the frosty ground. "Have you been enjoying the time you spent with him?"

Harry pulled at the sleeve of his jumper and bit his lip a bit before answering, "Yeah I have. He really treats me well. Sirius likes having me around. He is a great godfather."

"Do you like being around?" She asked smiling down at him.

"Well…yeah. He – he reads me stories and stuff. Treats me the way my aunt treats my cousin. He is a great godfather."

"So he treats you as if he was your mother?" Cathleen said with a tint of laughter in her voice.

Harry couldn't stop himself from smiling a bit, "Well, yeah. It is quite odd but he does. Uncle Vernon doesn't fuss over Dudley the way Sirius fusses over me. He talks about my dad like they were married or something. It is kinda weird. He does act as if he were my mother."

"Does that make you feel uncomfortable Harry?" she asked her voice not laughing this time. "That he isn't acting the way you expect a father to act. Does that make you feel uncomfortable?"

Harry shrugged, "I dunno, at first I kinda liked it, but now it is just becoming too much."

She sighed and then giggled a bit, "I have this vision of him waltzing into your room with dolls and making you play with them or something. Or making you wear this ridiculous frilly dress robe."

Harry shook his head, "it is not anything like that. I mean, it isn't that he treats me like a girl or something, he just, treats me like a baby. He always has to do everything for me. And it's annoying."

Cathleen had stopped walking and was sitting down cross legged on the wet grass. She dug her hand into her coat pocket and pulled out her cigarettes. "Never mind the wall. I don't much fancy climbing the hill anyway. This is fine."

She only wanted to get them out of the house so that Moony and Sirius couldn't over hear the conversation. Harry sat down opposite her. Cathleen really was an odd woman. "Why did we come outside?" he asked her as she lit her cigarette.

"Well," she started, "Harry I need you to trust me. Because you need to be honest with me. I want to make the right decision concerning you and your Godfather. I do not want to make the wrong judgment. I don't think you would be comfortable talking about some of the things we need to talk about while you were a room away from your godfather. Out here, it is just the two of us. He can't hear us. Harry, why don't you ever tell Sirius that you don't want to be babied?"

Harry looked back up the slope towards Moony's house. He swore he could see Sirius's face in one of the dark windows. Harry looked away. "I want him to love me." It slipped out quickly. "I want to make him happy so that he will love me."

"So that he will love you?" Cathleen repeated in a voice that wasn't smiling or frowning.

"Yeah, you know so that he will want me to stay. Moony – Remus and Sirius they care about me. They give me food as much as I want. They tell me stories about mum and dad. They play games with me and they make me laugh. And they hug me and stuff. I want to stay here with them. Because they treat me so good. I want to make them love me so that they will keep me here." Harry ranted, "The Dursleys don't treat me as well as they do. I don't want to go back to the Dursleys."

Cathleen smiled again then un-smiled, she pulled the cigarette up to her lips and it hung there for a while. Her black eyes that seemed so dark and unreadable inside were slowly lightening. It was a terrible gaze to hold. Not because it scared Harry but because her eyes seemed to really get it. They seemed to really understand what he was feeling. "Harry, your Godfather, does he ever tell you that he loves you?" She blinks and the cigarette is back between the fingers of her one hand. The understanding in her eyes is gone.

Harry shakes his head, "I dunno."

She smiles again, "Harry, Sirius does love you. You are his best friend's son-"

"I don't want to be loved just because of my dad!" Harry barked. Then he clamped his hand over his mouth. He didn't mean to sound so rude. "I am sorry. I didn't mean to –"

She un-smiles again, "No, it's fine Harry. You get to say as much as you want to. Whatever you want to. I understand that you would want Sirius to love you for you. But what you do not realize Harry is that even though Sirius was your dad's best friend, you are probably someone he sees as family. You are the reason he is out of jail. He loves you fiercely Harry. You shouldn't worry about that. You gave him another chance at life. A reason to live. You might be too young to understand just what you could mean to your godfather. But you should understand that he loves you. You don't need to do anything to win his love."

Harry felt tears pulling at his eyes again. He had been crying so much lately. He felt like such a baby. "How do you know?" he asked her looking back up towards Moony's house, silhouetted against the gray sky. The face was still there in the dark window.

"Oh, I saw it in they way he looked at you today while I was asking Remus those questions. They are both very protective of you. They love you greatly Harry and I do not believe it is the kind of love that could vanish or diminish. You do not need to worry about that. What you do need to worry about is yourself." She said drawing his attention away from the house and back towards her odd peaceful eyes. "Do you think staying here is the right thing for you to do? What about your schooling? What about all your friends and your family? You have a life back at your aunt and uncle's house. Don't you think you would feel more secure back there than you do here?"

Harry started chewing on his lip again. "Do you promise they will love me no matter what?"

She smiled again. Her face was beautiful when she smiled, "The love that they have for you is not the type of love that can disappear over night Harry."

"Well," he sighed, "sometimes I feel like things aren't alright here. Sirius and Moo - Remus are sad a lot of the time but they always act happy for me. I would rather not let them have to act. I think it wou-"

Harry sat in front of the fire. Cathleen had been talking to Remus and Sirius in the study for a while now. He could hear their muffled voices. At first Sirius's voice had been very angry but it calmed down after a while. Cathleen said she would tell Sirius and Remus that Harry wanted to go back to the Dursleys. Harry had been too scared. He didn't want Sirius to shout at him like he had shouted at the old man.

He snuggled further into the worn out sofa and stared more intently at the flames. He loved being here and all, but when he was here, he was always waiting for things to go wrong. For Sirius and Remus to hate him. Or yell at him or hurt him or something. At least with the Dursleys he knew were he stood. He knew that they didn't like him. Sirius was going to the hospital anyway like Mad-eye had said. So he wouldn't be here in a week's time and even though Remus was great, Harry thought Moony had quite enough to deal with. Harry knew that he still didn't feel comfortable with everything that had happened. It would be better for everyone to just take some time to clear their heads.

Cathleen had assured him that he could visit whenever he wanted; he just had to make sure that she was aware of it before hand. She had given him a telephone number he could use at his aunt and uncles house to call her. If he wanted to talk about something or to arrange a visit. She was a nice lady. She was just very odd.

The study door down the hallway opened and Harry could hear the sound of the three adults walking towards the kitchen. He closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. He listened to Cathleen greeting both Sirius and Remus before the big Crack. Harry knew she was gone after that. It is what wizards and witches did to leave without using the door.

"Some tea?" Moony asked in a tired voice.

"yeah, some tea would be fine." Sirius answered above him somewhere in a voice just as exhausted.

Harry heard Sirius walking around the back of the sofa and felt the way sofa moved to adjust to Sirius's weight. Sirius settled next to Harry blocking out the fire's light that bombarded his face before. "Harry, open up your eyes I know you aren't sleeping." Sirius's hand played with the tips of Harry's hair. The comfort of his arm against Harry's back caused him to snuggle up to Sirius's shoulder. He opened his eyes and saw his godfather's blue ones smiling at him sadly. "So how has your day been?"

Harry rested his head on his godfather's chest; it moved up and down as Sirius breathed, "It was okay." Harry answered in a small voice. He didn't really want to talk about going back to the Dursley's tomorrow. He wanted to Sirius to hug him again and tell him a story about when his dad was in school. It still felt odd being this affectionate with someone. Harry wasn't always very comfortable when Sirius ruffled up his hair or ushered him around like he owned him. But he knew it was something he would miss once he went back to the Dursley's.

"You did the right thing Harry." Sirius muttered. "I am sorry if I have made things difficult for you. I got carried away. I am sorry mate. I'll make it right." His hand was rubbing lazy circles on Harry's back. Harry thought he was going to cry. Sirius turned his head so that it was buried in Harry's hair. Harry swore he heard Sirius chock back a sob the same moment he did. "I'll make it right."

Harry carefully lifted his arm and threw it over Sirius's chest, "Don't cry Sirius. Cathleen said you can visit me whenever. It will be like me visiting you when you were in jail. Same thing. Don't be sad."

The hand on Harry's back stopped rubbing circles and instead the arm wrapped itself completely around Harry's shoulders and dug into his flesh near the neck. He felt Sirius's lips tremble against his temple. He heard the man breath great struggling gusts of air through his nose. He felt Sirius's body start shaking. His godfather's wet tears ran through his hair.

Harry clutched at Sirius's shirt. He didn't want his godfather to be crying. He didn't want Sirius to be sad. This was terrible. Harry didn't know how to comfort Sirius like he comforted him. He didn't know any good stories about his dad that would make Sirius feel better. Harry didn't know what to do.

Remus was supposed to have made the tea already. It never took Remus long to make anything. But Harry had the idea that Remus was also crying somewhere behind the sofa in the kitchen.

It was the worst Christmas Harry had ever had. He hated Christmas. It was always horrible.