Heart of Stone

by:

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Three

"You were cold as the blood through your bones and the light which led us from our chosen homes . . . I was lost." - Mumford and Sons, "Below My Feet"

She was gone.

In the days since Kevin had seen Alexis in the fire, everything had changed. He'd had more spare time than he was used to while he waited for his burns to heal, and that time had been spent fixated on what he thought he saw. He'd been trying to forget the hallucination and move on with his life.

Except, he couldn't go back to the way things were. His mind wouldn't let him. He'd tried twice now to find that connection with her, half experimenting and half because he missed her and he needed to reassure himself that he wasn't any crazier than he'd ever been. It wasn't working. He couldn't find her. She was gone and twice now Kevin had been left with the nameless women for the duration of their time together. It was some kind of torture, being stuck with them, unable to see the woman he really wanted.

He couldn't stop thinking about the scar, about the subtle differences in her appearance. Her face was thinner; her soot and sweat-stained tank top hugged curves that hadn't been quite so defined a few years earlier. What if his brain wasn't making things up? What if she'd been alive all this time, miraculously pulled from death, the savage wound sewed back together?

If she was alive somehow, that would change everything. It gave the last three years a terrible change in meaning. But it also gave him hope. If she was alive, well, she wasn't dead. And that was the most important part.

They were supposed to have a future. Kevin had thought they would eventually get married, start a family, and spend the rest of their lives solving crime together. And then, just as the fantasy was so close to becoming a reality, she'd been ripped away from him. If she had somehow survived, if there was a chance to find her again, to hold her in his arms and feel her heartbeat...

He couldn't not try. He had to be brave enough to at least ask the question. Worst-case scenario, he was still alone in a world without her. Best-case scenario… he wouldn't allow himself to imagine that. It would hurt too much if he couldn't have it. Either way, he had to try. He carefully rolled off the bed, minding the bandages on his back, careful to not wake the woman sharing the bed with him. He quietly dressed, then left her apartment.

Once he reached the street, he pulled out his cell phone. "Connor—I need some information. There's money in it for you if you get me what I want. No, the boss doesn't need to know."

He hung up and pulled out a package of cigarettes. Truthfully, he'd lost some of his love for the habit after inhaling a gallon of smoke, but it was the only thing that kept him calm anymore. And Kevin had a feeling that he'd need something to keep him calm in the coming days.

She was going crazy.

At nearly noon on a Thursday, Alexis leaned against her kitchen counter, sipping coffee, still clad in her pajamas. She traced the pattern on her countertop, her mind miles away from the present.

In lieu of smoke inhalation and not actually having a place to work, Alexis had been given several days off. She'd enjoyed it during the first day, when she's come home from the hospital, showered, and then slept until the second day. Since then, it had more or less been hell. She had no idea what to do with herself when she wasn't working, and she could only hit the same dead ends on her own case so many times.

Truth be told, she was having a hard time without the constant distraction that her job offered. She'd had way too much time to think in the last few days, and it was wearing on her. The worst part was late at night, when she was running through the events of the fire in her head. She didn't remember most of it after she'd passed out. Just glimpses of fire, short bursts of sound, the occasional tactile memory.

Someone had saved her life. The paramedics had administered to her in the stairwell, and Alexis knew there was no way she'd managed to travel from her office to the stairs by herself. Her office had been totally destroyed by the fire, as had most of the morgue. No one was coming forward to admit to saving her life, and when she concentrated hard, the most she could remember was her face pressing against cotton that smelled like smoke and sweat and a distinctly male scent that was somehow familiar. She remembered a masculine yelp of pain breaking through her consciousness, and, in a half-crazed glimpse that made less and less sense every time she thought about it, she thought she saw a shocked pair of blue eyes. Blue eyes that she would recognize anywhere.

But of course that was impossible. That last part had to be the oxygen deprivation wreaking havoc on her brain. She'd been working on Kevin's case before the fire had started; her brain had flashed those images in front of her eyes. It was like those years in med school when she stayed up late studying and then dreamed of physiology. It wasn't real, much as she wished it could be.

A knock at her door pulled her from her increasingly depressing thoughts. She pulled the door open, and a small smile tugged at her mouth. "Hey, dad." After their reunion in the hospital, Alexis was trying to make an effort with him. When he'd offered to help her finish moving into her apartment, she couldn't think of a good reason to refuse.

Castle stood on the threshold to her apartment, holding some bags in his arms. He looked a little nervous. "Hey."

"Um, come on in."

"I brought you some groceries. I wasn't really sure what you needed." He set the bags on the kitchen counter.

"Oh. Thanks." Alexis quickly put the groceries away, trying to block her father's view of the fridge, which currently only housed a case of water and a couple bottles of wine. Her cupboards weren't much better.

"So this is your new place, huh?"

She looked around the apartment, trying to imagine it from her father's perspective. It was small, but the open floor plan and large windows made it feel much bigger than it was. She didn't need much space anyway. She winced at the boxes spread across the floor and the distinct lack of furniture. "It's a work in progress, obviously."

"So, where should we start?" he asked.

They spent the next couple hours methodically unpacking her entire life. To his credit, her father only made one comment about the utilitarian way she'd been living and gently reminded her that coffee wasn't food and she should eat more. Alexis pasted on a smile and asked about the investigation.

"Kate's at wits' ends with the whole thing," he said, "She's been pulling all-nighters to try and track these bastards down. She became captain for the predictable hours and instead she hasn't seen Johanna in four days."

The night the morgue had been set on fire, someone had hacked into the precinct's electronic records. Everything had been deleted. All the precinct had left to work with was the paper files, and it would take months to duplicate them and repopulate them into new, more secure electronic records. All of the open cases now took triple the time to work through, and some investigations had completely stopped. Whoever had planned and executed the job wanted a clean slate, and they'd just about gotten it.

"I wish there was more I could do to help," she said. She'd been questioned several times about the fire, and each time her account was the same. She'd been trapped in her office and had woken up in the stairwell with paramedics hovering over her. Besides identifying her rescuer as male, Alexis hadn't been able to offer anything in the way of useful information.

Castle squeezed her hand. "I'm just glad things didn't end differently."

"Me too."

Silence set in as they unpacked her kitchen together, and Alexis was glad that her father had come by. It was nice to see him and talk with him. It almost felt like old times.

"So, hey, I've got a serious question," he said suddenly.

"I've got a serious answer."

He smiled, but it looked sad. "You graduated early, the top of your class, with tons of real-world experience. You had your pick of internship programs. You could have even gone out of the country."

Alexis stared into the box of never-used kitchen utensils. She didn't like where he was going with this. "And?"

"And you chose to come back to New York."

"It's a great program," she said.

His eyes landed on hers, and she forced herself to maintain eye contact. Looking away would clue him in, looking away was as good as giving up and telling him the truth. Alexis was surprised that she couldn't find any judgment in his eyes, just concern.

"That's true," he admitted. "But there are better programs out there. And they would have taken you."

She shook her head. "What are you saying?"

"I know you were hurt when I sent you to live with your mom–"

"Dad, we don't have to talk about this."

"And I understand why you didn't visit and why you didn't call very much."

"Dad–"

"You needed time to heal in a place that didn't constantly remind you of everything terrible that happened. I get it. And now you're back at the first possible opportunity, and I think I know why. Now, I know it's not the job; you can do that anywhere. That leaves one reason: him."

She felt sick. Was she really so transparent? "You've got it wrong."

"Do I? Because all the evidence is telling me that you're here for Ryan."

Alexis barely restrained herself from flinching at hearing his name. "It's not just about... him. They hurt me too. They ruined me."

"Honey, you're not ruined–"

"And they were never caught. I can't just sit by and accept that."

He sighed. "So you're here to track them down? To get some kind of justice? This isn't about Ryan at all?"

"If I can find him—find out what happened to him, that's great. But it's not really about him. It's about me. It's about getting justice for what they did to me." This lie was different. It was slippery. She both believed it and knew in her heart it wasn't true. Not entirely.

"Alexis, it's been three years and there is no sign of him. Have you considered the possibility that he's-"

"Dead? Yes, I've considered that possibility. I still need to know."

He shook his head. "That wasn't what I was going to say. I was going to say, he's been gone for a long time. What if he doesn't want to be found?"

Alexis frowned. That darker, more subtle possibility had haunted her even more than Kevin' potential death. She didn't have an answer for it. Not truly. Because even considering that possibility made her physically ill, made her feel beyond betrayed. Beyond violated.

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "If he— if Kevin doesn't want to be found, well, that's just too damn bad. It's not up to him anymore. He's part of the puzzle."

Castle nodded sadly. "You know, I just got my PI license."

"I thought you weren't really solving cases anymore."

He shrugged. "Johanna's in preschool now. I could use a part-time gig."

"Well," she said. "That's great. I'm happy for you."

"I'm looking for clients, and I would love for my first official case to be yours, if you'll let me."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I love you," he said with a small smile. "And I want you to be happy."

"I am happ-"

"Don't try to lie. You've never been very good at it. I just want you to be happy," he repeated. "And I know you won't be happy until you find what you've been looking for. So, think about it. You might actually get some sleep at night with someone else helping."

She took a deep breath. He watched her so earnestly. When Alexis had come back to New York, she'd assumed that she'd be searching alone. But maybe that didn't have to be the case. "Okay. That would be great. Thank you."

His phone pinged, and he checked his text message. "Ah. Time to pick your sister up from school."

"I can't believe how big she's gotten," Alexis said. Guilt churned in her stomach for more or less missing out on her sister's life.

"You should come by for dinner sometime. You two can catch up. She's already working on her first novel."

"Oh? What's it about?"

"My Little Pony, mostly."

Alexis followed her father to the door, feeling like a weight had been lifted.

"Oh, I forgot to give you this." He passed something over, and Alexis' eyes widened when she saw what it was:a gleaming Celtic knot on a fine chain.

"Oh my god. I thought I'd lost it."

"You left it here when you… when I sent you to LA."

"Thanks Dad."

He hugged her. "You know, it's okay to want to find him. Not knowing—it's been difficult for everyone."

"I miss him so much, Dad." She laughed bitterly, "And being back here—I thought it would help, but sometimes it feels like it makes things harder. For half a second I thought he was the one who pulled me out of the fire. Stupid, right?"

Once again, there was no judgment in her father's eyes. "The Ryan I knew would have walked through fire for you. It's not stupid at all." He kissed her forehead. "I love you. Thanks for letting me come over."

She gave him a watery smile. "Thanks for helping me unpack."

He rolled his eyes. "If that's what you call it. We're going furniture shopping. And grocery shopping. You're not in med school anymore. It's time to start living and eating like a real human being."

Alexis laughed, and for the first time in three years she felt like things might be okay after all.

There was no Castle on the list.

He tried to temper the disappointment that threatened to smother his chest as he continued to flip through the personnel files Connor had brought him. Kevin couldn't be sure why he still looked when it was obvious that she wasn't there. Perhaps he wasn't quite ready to give up hope. Maybe she'd gotten married? The thought sent a wave of sickness through him. Still, it was better for her to be alive and with someone else than dead and alone.

He opened up another file, revealing the face of Lanie Parrish. He exhaled raggedly as his eyes, against his will, read through her file. Still unmarried. One child. Kevin couldn't help but wonder what had happened. Three years ago she and Javi were engaged. He shut the file. No—he couldn't go down that road right now. Maybe not ever. He'd given it up. He set her file aside, then kept moving. He recognized several of the faces and names staring back at him, but there were even more that he didn't know. Life goes on, the world keeps spinning, even when you're no longer apart of it.

He took a long pull from the bottle of Scotch at his side, relishing in the burn as it slid down his throat. He was grasping at straws. He'd been foolish to even think that what he'd seen was real. What a fucking idiot.

He sighed and rested his head in his hands, his fingers sliding through his hair. His elbow bumped the remaining files off of the table, sending a mess of pages and photos sliding across the floor.

He had to prepare himself for the possibility that he'd seen things. That he was actually as crazy as he felt. The real, worst-case scenario was that he was as alone in the world as he'd ever been. She was gone. He was alone. That was the truth.

He reached down to collect the files. He'd finish glancing through them, but he knew in his heart that he wouldn't find what he was looking for. There was simply nothing to find. His eyes read the file label on the top of the stack. A. Harper. His heart picked up its pace. Harper was Alexis' middle name, an homage to her sad excuse for a mother.

Hands shaking, Kevin picked up the file. He opened it up, and a picture slid out. He only just caught it before it fell to the floor.

It was her. Not the Alexis he remembered, but the one he'd seen in the fire. Long red hair, more defined cheekbones, a small smile that didn't quite reach her blue eyes. His eyes scanned the file, coming back once again to the possibility he'd only just let himself hope for.

"Alexis," he whispered.

She was alive.

Alexis liked to think that she was strong, that she'd learned how to cope with loss and trauma. She was an expert on carrying the weight of a stolen future across her chest. Most of the time, Alexis carried that weight with little issue. She forced herself out of bed, she pasted on a smile, and she went to work. It was how she'd gotten through med school; it was how she'd approached each and every day back in New York.

Sometimes, though, it just hurt. And there was no way around it. Alexis was in the middle of one of those times. God, she missed him so much. She poured herself another glass of wine, wiping tears away with the back of her hand.

She wasn't as lonely anymore. Her dad called her all the time; he stopped by almost every day, usually with Johanna. Kate had called from the precinct to check in on her. Lanie had brought Aaron over and she and Alexis caught up over coffee. Even Liam had stopped by to make sure she was okay. And she really was. She was okay. She had the support of friends and family who loved her, who didn't revile her for the shitty way she'd treated them. It helped having them around. It helped to not be confined to her apartment with only her thoughts for hours on end. But it didn't change the fact that she didn't have him. That he was gone.

It had started when she'd forced herself to go through their box of possessions. It was the last unopened box in her apartment, and for some reason she had thought she was strong enough to face it on her own. She'd flipped through three years of letters to a man who had disappeared, left her for dead. It was a chronicle of her grieving.

Anger at him for leaving: How could you do this to me? To us?

Attempts to bargain: Please come back. I'd do anything to see you one more time.

Denial of the truth that was staring her in the face: I know you're out there. I know you're alive. I know you still love me.

Pages and pages of anguish: I love you. I miss you. Please come back. Please don't leave me alone anymore.

She'd never really gotten to the acceptance part.

After reading the letters, she'd found their pictures. There weren't many, but each held a cherished memory—the weekend they'd spent in the Hamptons, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the day she'd moved in with him. They looked so happy, like nothing could ever hurt or trouble them.

She ran her fingertips over the necklace. If she looked closely enough, she could still see tiny flecks of blood that had stained into the grooves of the metal. She'd been wearing it that night in the warehouse. Alexis hadn't put it back on, instead she traced the never-ending knot. It was supposed to symbolize something special for them. They'd worked so hard, overcome so much to be together. Surely after all that, forever would be within reach.

Alexis searched through the box, and her fingers brushed over smooth leather. With shaking hands, she pulled out a tiny, square box. She knew what it meant. She knew that the contents of the box symbolized the future they would never have. That was why she'd never had the heart to open it.

She took a deep breath, wiped away more tears, and pushed upward on the lid. A knock at the door stopped her progress. She wiped her eyes. If her dad was stopping by to visit, she didn't want him to see her so upset. She padded across the apartment, unlocked the door and pulled it open.

Alexis forgot how to breathe.

Kevin Ryan was on her doorstep, his blue eyes staring at her in devastated shock.

He was there—right in front of her. So close she could touch him.

Her mouth wordlessly formed his name.

With one step, he closed the space between them. His hands moved to her face, and she gasped as his lips crashed into hers.

Author's Note: I'm just going to leave it there for now. :)

A million thanks to all of those who have supported this story. You guys are so phenomenally amazing. Special shout out to Lori2279 and Danayvette for the gentle reminders to update, and of course many thanks to JJS4, who is always there when I'm sending out the Rylexis bat signal.

Be sure to check out my profile for information on how to get the deleted scene (guest reviewers, that means you!).

Please, please, please review!

Next time: A long-awaited reunion.