Heart of Stone
by:
A.K. Hunter
Chapter Five
"I ain't the man that I used to be." - Peter Bradley Adams, "The Longer I Run"
Years of blood were stained into his calloused palms, years of pain—some he felt, some he inflicted. Sometimes he thought he'd never get the blood off of his hands. Kevin stood at the bathroom sink, attempting to wash away the night's events. He was back to work, back to the special little safe house Nolan kept for the soul purpose of torturing traitors—and Kevin had just spent the better part of two hours wrenching a confession out of some low-level street rat who had been caught talking to the Feds. The good news was the traitor hadn't had to feel all those smashed, ruined bones cutting through his skin for long. The clean shot between his eyes was an anticlimactic end to a long night.
Suddenly, Kevin stumbled to the toilet, gagging and dry heaving at the memory of what he'd done. Bile burned his throat, but nothing came up. He'd long ago learned to never eat before a job. Another plus side of an empty stomach was that it made it a hell of a lot easier to get shit-faced and forget everything. He rested his forehead against his arm, staring at the blood smears his hands had left on the basin.
It wasn't that he was squeamish. Blood and guts, bones and bullet holes, they didn't bother him. What he couldn't stomach was the connection between himself and his victims. There was a terrible intimacy in torturing someone, in the time spent killing them. And that was the rub, because while he had murdered the man, he wasn't a killer. He inflicted terrible pain on a regular basis, but every scream, every prayer for mercy, every drop of blood chipped away at what was left of his soul. Nausea churned in his stomach, and his heart raced. He needed to pull it together before one of his associates saw what a fucking mess he really was.
Taking a deep breath, Kevin closed his eyes, searching.
I'm with you till the wheels fall off.
Though tears pricked at the corner of his eyes, his heartbeat slowed. His hands stopped shaking. The irony wasn't lost on Kevin; he might get comfort from the memories of his former partner, of his former life, but that didn't mean that Javi wouldn't hate him if he knew the truth. They all would. But Kevin couldn't think about that, because that cold dose of reality would ruin the last good thing he had left: his memories.
He forced himself to his feet, returning to his task at the sink. Rust-colored water swirled down the drain, and he looked up at his reflection. Sallow skin, circles under his eyes, flecks of blood on his cheek. He wetted a paper towel and wiped his face. This was who he was now. This was his legacy: pain and death and so much blood.
It was a small comfort to know that his sins allowed the people he cared about to live their lives. That comfort was the only reason he hadn't put a bullet in his mouth years ago. Now he had a new comfort—a new fear. Alexis.
She was alive. She lived, breathed, and seemed generally okay. Kevin knew she wasn't the same woman he'd known before. He'd seen the haunted look in her eyes, he'd noticed the way her apartment barely looked lived in, the way she now slept on her stomach, presumably a habit she'd picked up to cover the scar. She bordered on too thin and crossed the line into overworked. He had held her in his arms that night, trying desperately to stay awake so he could watch her sleep just a little longer. For the first time in three years, he'd felt at peace, like the broken pieces of his life fit perfectly together in her hands alone. He wished he could have been with her sooner.
So much would have been different if he'd known she survived, and the last three years held a terrible new meaning in light of her continued existence. If he hadn't been so haunted by her death, so smothered with grief and guilt and anger and self-loathing, perhaps he could have found a solution to the terrible situation he was now in. Perhaps he wouldn't have needed to become a monster.
He couldn't tell her. That was why he'd left. He was a coward and he loved her and he couldn't tell her the truth about him. He couldn't see that hope in her eyes die. He couldn't see the disgust on her face when she understood who he'd become—that the man she'd fallen in love with had died three years earlier in that warehouse.
After running from her apartment like a dog with its tail between its legs, he'd stopped by an internet cafe and had broken Nolan's cardinal rule. Kevin had looked into Alexis' survival, and, by proxy, his own disappearance. It was all over the news in the months following the murder attempt. "Daughter of mystery writer stabbed." "Homicide detective missing, presumed dead." If Kevin had bothered to pull himself out of the bottle for even one day in the months immediately after Alexis' death, everything would have been different. He would have known.
Brigid had to have known. She couldn't not know. Even if she miraculously didn't see the headlines on every newscast and paper, it was her job to keep tabs on the contacts from his old life. She had to have known this whole time. Which meant she'd known and she hadn't told him. Kevin couldn't begin to describe the anger and pain that accompanied that thought. She was all he had, his sister, his best friend, his confidante, and she'd been lying to him for years. He didn't know how to process that.
And there was more. Because if Brigid knew, if it was common knowledge that Alexis had survived, then that meant Nolan knew too. That scared him more than anything else. Made him feel helpless, like the odds were against him. Even though he was a cowardly bastard, he still meant to keep Alexis safe. He wanted to make sure nothing bad or painful happened to her ever again. It was the least he could do. But how do you protect against a threat that has all the cards? How do you win a rigged game?
"Hey!" The bathroom door banged. "You coming out anytime soon? I gotta hit the head."
Sloane. The man never failed to cause Kevin grief, whether that was in the form of obnoxious interruptions or killing the woman Kevin loved. If Sloane wasn't more useful alive than dead, Kevin would have personally killed him long ago. And he wouldn't have felt an ounce of remorse.
Kevin took a deep breath, letting his mask fall in place. He yanked the door open. "Don't let me stop you."
"Hey," Sloane said. "You must have the magic touch. I thought he'd never give it up."
Kevin smirked. "What can I say? I'm good with my hands."
"You mean good with a wrench."
"That too."
"You're a sick bastard. Ya know that?"
"Oh, I know it." Kevin walked away and Sloane's phone rang. Nolan's voice rattled through the phone, and Sloane couldn't hide the smile at the wheezing, pathetic old man. The bag of bones had two feet in the grave. It was just a matter of time. And once he was gone, Sloane was the obvious successor. He only had to wait, to practice that patience he'd perfected over the years. And then he'd take his reward.
"I've got a job for you," Nolan rasped. "Buachaill doesn't need to know."
"Good morning, Dr. Harper." One of the unis said as he lifted the police tape for her to cross under it.
"Morning," she replied with a forced smile. Alexis was feeling anything but chipper that particular morning. Though it did help to be back at work. Her demanding schedule made it a hell of a lot easier to cope with the recent upheaval in her life.
She approached the body—a young man with horrifying wounds on his limbs. It looked like his bones had been methodically broken with some sort of instrument. Cause of death was the bullet wound between his eyes. Another torture case. God, she was tired of these.
"Morning sunshine!" Liam chirped as he approached the scene.
"Not for this guy." She found his wallet in his back pocket. "Thomas Smith. You know him?"
Liam shook his head. "Must be an initiate. A low-level criminal trying to get into the organization."
"Guess he didn't make the cut."
"Hey," Javi said as he and Castle reached the scene.
"Dad, what are you doing here?" Alexis asked.
"Bored," Castle shrugged, but Alexis noticed the way he looked to the side and then, too quickly, asked, "What have you got?"
He was lying, and Alexis figured his presence had more to do with keeping an eye on her than anything else. "See for yourself."
"Jesus, another one?" Javi asked.
Alexis nodded, eyeing the bones that broke through the corpse's skin. The angle that they infiltrated the skin and the heavy bruising indicated a meticulous attention to detail. And judging by the smells wafting off of the victim's body, it had hurt enough to make him lose control of his bodily functions. Who the hell was capable of inflicting that much pain on another person?
"The good news is we have another chance to catch this psycho," Liam reminded them, referring to the ruined evidence in the hospital fire. "We have a fresh start."
As Javi and Liam started a new game plan for the investigation, Castle sidled over to her. You okay?" he asked quietly.
"I'm fine, dad."
"You look tired. Are you sleeping okay?"
"I sleep fine," she lied. "You don't need to worry about me all the time. I'm fine. I'd tell you if I wasn't."
Castle laughed. "I know that's not true."
Alexis didn't answer. She wasn't sleeping well. She wasn't okay. It had been thirteen days since Kevin snuck out of her apartment, and she had no idea how to find him. If it wasn't for the cold omelettes that had been sitting on her kitchen counter, she would have thought she imagined the whole thing. It was awful. Like a missing piece of herself had been put back together and then broken again just as quickly.
She berated herself for being so stupid. How could she have waited for even one moment to get answers? How could she have given in and jumped into bed with a man she hardly knew anymore?
You'll hate me.
He believed what he'd said to her. The thought chilled her. What had he been doing that he was so afraid to tell her? What was worth her hatred? Of course, people who drop off the planet for three years rarely have a good, wholesome reason for doing so. Still, Alexis would rather know. Whatever horrifying truth he was hiding, it was better to know than to spend hours awake at night, wondering where he was and what he was doing.
"So what are you doing tonight, Red?" Liam asked suddenly.
"Why?"
"Just answer the question."
She sighed. "No plans."
"I've got this friend–"
"You're trying to set me up?" she groaned.
"Listen, he's a doctor too. He's really nice, pretty good looking if I do say so myself–"
"Then you can go on a date with him."
He grinned. "Lily would not be happy with that."
"Right. Your imaginary fiancée," Javi chimed in.
"She's real," Liam asserted. "Just because you've never met her–"
"You know, Alexis," Castle said. "I think you need to go on a date with this guy. You get out of your apartment for a night, Liam has a witness to his real-life fiancée. Sounds like a win-win."
They were ganging up on her. She looked to Javi, trying to find some sort of backup. He just held his hands up with an apologetic look.
"Come on, Alexis," Liam said with a small, reassuring smile. "When was your last date?"
The tension ratcheted up, and Alexis' eyes widened. She'd been with a few guys since her relationship with Kevin, but a date? No, thank you. That was asking too much, emotionally and mentally. And honestly, she hadn't met a single guy she actually wanted to date. Except Kevin, obviously. God, she was so pathetic.
Liam seemed to recognize his misstep. "Hey, if you're not ready, that's–"
"What time?" she asked quickly. "I'll be there."
He filled her in on the details, and after a few more notes on their case, Liam left. "See you tonight," he reminded her with a wink.
"Can't wait," she deadpanned.
Castle followed her as she loaded everything up in the car.
"Shouldn't you be following the case with Esposito and Liam?" Alexis asked, not looking at him.
"Figured you'd want to stay updated on your case," he said. "The private one."
Her eyes widened. In the wake of Kevin showing up, fucking her, and leaving, Alexis had completely forgotten that her dad had taken on her case. "Have you found anything?"
"I've mostly been going through Beckett's notes on the case. She's spearheaded the investigation over the last three years, and she's hit a lot of dead ends. I keep coming back to Ryan's sister."
"Brigid? What about her?"
"You said her last name was O'Rourke?"
"Yes."
"And you tracked her down using that name?"
"Yeah, why?"
"She doesn't exist."
Alexis shook her head. "That's impossible."
"I looked through the files myself. Brigid O'Rourke appeared on the grid about three months before you contacted her, and right around the time you met her, she disappeared from all records."
Alexis rubbed her face. "That's not her real name, is it?"
"Doesn't look like it."
"No wonder Kate hasn't found anything. None of the people involved are real."
"But we know Kevin was real," her dad reminded her, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. Alexis forced herself to smile. Honestly, after the last three years, after the last thirteen days, Alexis wasn't sure what was real anymore. Maybe Kevin wasn't real. Maybe their relationship had never been real. He said he loved her, that he never stopped loving her. But if he loved her, why did he leave? Why did he abandon her again and again?
Alexis hadn't told anyone about Kevin showing up at her place. She knew that she should, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Partially because she couldn't believe it had actually happened, and partially because, again, he had left without a trace. After rushing though coffee and details on the arson case with Liam, she'd scoured her apartment for any evidence. Fingerprints, a leftover sock, something. He hadn't left anything behind, and the best she could find was a partial fingerprint on her coffee mug. The heat had smeared it beyond recognition. And even if she did manage to find some sort of minor evidence, what would she even say? The long-lost homicide detective had showed up at her doorstep with no warning and after a long night of physical reconnection, he'd made her breakfast and then disappeared again? Nobody would believe her. And that quiet worry that everyone carried around her, the way they walked on eggshells and treated her like she was made of spun glass, would just get worse. Alexis couldn't deal with that.
"He's out there somewhere," Alexis said. "We'll find him." There was a good chance she'd throttle his neck once she found him again, but she knew now that at least there was something to find.
A small smile pulled at his lips. "I'm glad you feel that way, honey."
She looked down at the supplies she had just packed in the car.
"And I'm glad you're going on that date."
"Why?"
"Because it'll be good for you to be reminded how beautiful and charming and likable you are."
"I really need to get to work, dad."
"Okay. I love you." He kissed her cheek.
"I love you, too."
Work went by fast. Alexis spent most of that time scouring the victim for evidence left behind by the killer and trying to figure out what kind of weapon was used on him. The breaks looked like they were caused by torsion, and the small, toothed clamp marks on the victim's skin made her think the weapon was something very commonplace, like some kind of wrench. That wouldn't help them narrow down their suspects. Almost everyone she knew had a basic toolkit at home.
She glanced at the clock, dismayed to see that it was almost time to get ready for dinner Alexis was definitely not looking forward to her first date in almost four years. She still couldn't believe she'd agreed to it so quickly. She just couldn't stand the pity on Liam's eyes, or her dad's quiet worry. So what if she wasn't okay? So what if she spent most of her free evenings home alone? It was her choice.
She'd get through the date and try to be charming and go home. It was just an obstacle to get through—a few hours spent doing something she had no interest in. It was sad, really, that Kevin—a man who had left her not once, but twice—could have so much control over her decisions.
Because at the end of the day, even with the endless baggage and unanswered questions, she just wanted him to come home.
"So what's your specialty?"
"Medical examiner. You?"
"Family practice."
"Wow," Alexis said, imagining her date, Greg, taking care of runny noses and aging grandparents. "That's so..."
"Boring?" Greg supplied with a small smile.
"I was going to say 'wholesome.'"
His smile grew to a grin. "I bet my patients aren't as well-behaved as yours."
Alexis snorted. "Their conversational skills could use some work."
She was on her second drink with her blind date, and to her surprise, she was actually enjoying herself. Liam and Lily were running late, so she and Greg had some time to get to know each other. He seemed nice, and as a resident in the local Family Practice program, he knew what it was like to live and breathe medicine. His irreverent sense of humor complemented her dry observations about life in the morgue, and time passed quickly as they swapped stories and commented on their mutual friend.
"So this Lily person—you've met her before?"
Greg nodded. "Yeah. She's really nice, really pretty. Seems like quite the catch. Can't imagine what she's doing with Liam."
"You know, I dated him for a while."
Her date's dark eyebrows rose. "Really? I've got to know his secret. Nerdy, uptight guy like him getting all these gorgeous women." Before Alexis had time to process that, Greg's eyes caught on something behind her. "Oh, they're finally here."
Alexis turned around as the other couple approached them. "I'm so sorry we're late. Traffic was unbelievable," he exclaimed, then he stepped back to introduce his fiancee. "Lily, this is Greg and Alexis."
Alexis felt as if the floor had buckled underneath her as her eyes glued on Lily's face—a face with large blue eyes that she knew all too well.
"Brigid?"
"Lily," Liam corrected, but Alexis barely heard him.
The other woman's eyes widened. "What are you doing in New York?" Brigid gasped, then tensed as she realized her mistake.
Alexis froze. Brigid knew. Her reaction had nothing to do with being shocked that Alexis was alive; it was a question of geography. Brigid knew that Alexis survived, and she knew that Alexis had left New York. The implications of that made the redhead dizzy.
"Have you two met before?" Liam asked.
Brigid, or Lily, instantly regained her composure. "We haven't. Honey, I think I left something in the car. I'll be right back." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and started toward the entrance of the restaurant with small, quick steps.
Alexis pushed her chair back, there was no way in hell she was about to let Brigid get away again.
Greg stood up with her. "Alexis, what's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"I'm fine. Just need some air." She kept her composure until she reached the street. With one shaking foot in front of the other, Alexis rushed out onto the sidewalk, shock transforming into desperation. She hurried through the crowd, looking left and right for the blonde. After finding Kevin and losing him again, she couldn't let this chance pass her by. She just couldn't.
A familiar blonde head cut through the crowd ahead.
Alexis broke into a run. "Wait! Brigid!"
The blonde kept moving, ducking into an alley, and Alexis followed close behind, hurdling over a pile of garbage and tackling her to the cement. Brigid immediately tried to push the girl off of her, but Alexis held on tightly.
"Where is he?" Alexis demanded, "Where's Kevin? Why did he think I was dead?"
"I don't know a Kevin," Brigid tried.
"Don't play dumb with me."
"I don't know who you're talking about!" Brigid cried.
"Tell me!" Alexis screamed.
"Alexis, get off of her!" Liam intervened, physically pulling the redhead off of his fiancee. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Let go of me!" Alexis wrenched an arm away from him, and her fist connected with his jaw.
The next thing Alexis felt was her face pressed against the concrete as Liam pinned her down, threatening to arrest her, to call her father. The threats spun around her, but she barely heard them. Tears slipped down her face. Brigid was gone. Once again, Alexis had nothing.
After getting away from the crazed redhead and hailing a cab, Brigid had taken refuge at her apartment. Her real apartment. The one only Kevin knew about. Her hands shook as she slid the key in the lock, and her phone buzzed. Another call from Liam. She declined the call. How the hell was she supposed to explain things to him? Brigid flipped on the lights and stopped in her tracks when she saw her brother sitting on her couch, a tumbler and a half-empty bottle of whiskey in front of him.
"Hello, deirfiúr."
"Kevin?"
He held out his glass without looking at her. "Needs more ice."
"What are you doing here?"
He looked up at her, and she saw ice-cold fury in those eyes. "We need to talk."
She had a sinking feeling that she knew what he wanted to talk about. Brigid had spent years moving silently, gathering information, juggling lies in an attempt to scrape a few, fleeting moments of happiness out of the black hole that she'd lived in her entire life. In one night, it was all catching up with her.
"Sit," he ordered.
"You don't get to boss me around–"
"I said sit!"
The back of her legs immediately hit the chair and she collapsed into the seat. She rarely saw this side of Kevin, and she'd never been on the receiving end before, but she knew exactly what he was capable of. He stood above her, and a shiver of fear ran down her back. "Kevin, I-"
"How could you?" he demanded, getting into her personal space. "You knew she was alive, and you didn't tell me?" His voice filled the space around them. "How long have you known?"
"Known what?"
He was in no mood for her antics. "How long?!"
"I saw the headlines a few days after it happened."
"Jesus Christ," he swore, and she saw his hands clenching to break something. She hoped it wouldn't be her. "Three years. You've known that she was alive this whole time and you didn't tell me?"
"Kevin–"
"You watched me suffer all this time, missing her, mourning her, drowning in guilt. You had to have known what this would mean to me."
"It wasn't my place to tell you."
His head snapped to look at her so fast she thought he might have whiplash. "Not your place? I gave up everything for her! I gave up my whole goddamn life because I thought I'd killed her! I became a monster–"
"You're not a monster, Kev."
He was undeterred. "Is this some kind of sick punishment?"
"What?"
"I left you alone for all those years. You had to have some resentment for that. I got out. I lived a life. I had a family, friends, a career, a future." Each of those words hit Brigid hard. She'd never had any of those things. "Was keeping this secret your way of punishing me?"
She was aghast at his accusation. "That's not how it happened."
"If you knew three years ago, what the hell have you been doing since then? Getting off on fucking with my life? I bet you've had a good laugh about this."
"You think I've enjoyed watching you suffer all this time?"
"What else should I believe? You had the power to change everything and you sat by and let me think I killed her for three years!"
She shook her head, angry heat rising in her face. "It's not my place!" she exclaimed. "I've done my job, Kevin. I've followed your friends and made sure they were safe–"
"And you never once thought that Alexis being alive was worth my time to know? Why Brigid? Just answer the goddamn question!"
"Because she was just as broken as you were!"
Silence wrapped around him as he processed her words. "What do you mean?"
"Kevin, it was a miracle that she survived. She had her whole life ahead of her, and after she got out of the hospital she looked like an empty shell. You both did. You weren't sober for almost eight months, and Alexis looked just as bad. Don't you get it? She was broken. I didn't tell you any of this because she deserved a chance to heal and move on with her life."
"Without me," he said quietly.
"Without you," she echoed. "Look at the life you've been living. This is our legacy, and you had to have known on some level that one day you wouldn't be able to run anymore. And everything that has happened in the last three years... you signed up for it. You knew what was expected of you, and you made the choice to be here. Alexis didn't. She didn't know about this part of your life. She didn't ask to be hurt so badly. She never had the choice when she was sucked into this mess. I was afraid that if I told you she was alive, you'd find her and she'd get sucked right back in. Yes, I kept it from you, but I only did it so she'd actually have the chance to live her life—the life she always should have had."
Kevin didn't answer, though she could tell he didn't like her words.
"How did you find out?" Brigid asked.
"She was in the fire. At first, I didn't think it could be her, but then I tracked her down."
Brigid's eyes widened. "You saw her? Did you talk to her?"
He didn't answer. "Does Nolan know?"
She sighed. "I don't see how he couldn't. It's his business to know these things."
That anger flared in his eyes again. "So she's been in danger this whole time–"
"He's not stupid, Kev. He's not going to attract attention by hunting her down when he's already got what he wants. He hurt her to control you, and as long as you remain his beck and call boy and she stays away, he's not going to make a move again."
"And what if she doesn't stay away? What if it's already too late? He's been on my ass about the fire, if he ever found out that she was the woman involved..."
"Fuck." Brigid rested her head in her hands.
Kevin abruptly stood up. "I'll take care of it."
"I can look into some of my sources," she offered.
"Don't trouble yourself," her brother sneered. "I've learned the hard way that I can't trust you, so consider yourself relieved of your duty where Alexis is concerned."
"Kevin–"
He took a step toward the door, and then turned back to her. "You know, if you had told me about it at any time in the last three years, I would have understood. I appreciate that you tried to protect her, Brig, I really do. But you still should have told me. I deserved to know, and it breaks my heart that the one person I thought I could trust has been keeping secrets from me."
She ducked her head. If only he knew the magnitude of the secrets she was keeping. The door slammed, and Brigid sank back down into the couch. She took a pull from the bottle of whiskey, grimacing as the liquid burned down her throat. Kevin loved the stuff. He drank it regularly, but Brigid saved it for emergencies.
She let her mind wander over the night's events, and she brought the bottle to her lips again. Her cover with Liam might be blown. Her brother didn't trust her. Despite all of her hard work and years of lies, Alexis was likely back on Nolan's radar. If this wasn't an emergency, she didn't know what was.
Author's Note: Heart of Stone broke 100 reviews! I cannot believe it! As a special thank you, I'm offering another promotional scene to everyone who has reviewed any chapter of this story, including this one. It's my second-favorite version of Alexis and Kev's reunion, and I'm so excited to share it with you all. Just PM me to get the scene. Guest reviewers, there's instructions for you on my profile.
This chapter is dedication to Lori2279, and she knows why. :)
Next time: Alexis finds herself in a compromising situation, and Kevin does the wrong thing for the right reason.