Heart of Stone

by

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Eight

"I won't surrender." - Ingrid Michaelson, "This is War"

His baby had been missing for thirty-four days.

And what little evidence they'd had to begin with had long since dried up.

According to the few witnesses at the scene, a man had shot Alexis twice with a silenced weapon when she was getting into her car and then drove off with her. Before abducting her, he'd shot and killed three nearby officers. Probably to make sure Alexis didn't have backup.

Traffic cams had been tampered with near the scene, and the car the witnesses thought he'd used to get away had been left behind, clean of any evidence besides a few strands of Alexis' hair. They had no leads on the other vehicle.

Beckett and Esposito had interviewed the witnesses extensively, and a police sketch had been created to help find the bastard. The FBI had gotten involved, and their facial recognition software hadn't yielded any further information. It was like this monster had come out of nowhere and snatched his daughter away, disappearing completely.

They'd waited for the kidnapper to contact them. There had been nothing but radio silence. No demands. No threats.

Rick sat in his office, mulling over the electronic board he'd created to solve his own daughter's abduction. He didn't even know if Alexis was still alive.

"Hey," Kate rested her hand on his shoulder, setting a mug of warm coffee on the desk.

He turned slightly, taking her hand into his own. "Any news?"

She sat in his lap, and his arms wrapped around her. "The same."

He rested his head against her neck, staying silent. There was nothing left to say. As their leads and hopes disappeared, so had their words.

"We've got eyes all over the city, Castle," Kate reminded him. The investigation wasn't over, and they were searching any live-streaming camera they could access: ATMs, traffic cams, security cams, anything that could catch either the predator or the girl who had become his prey.

"I know."

"We'll find her."

Again, he refused to comment. It wasn't that he disagreed with his wife, and it wasn't that he'd given up on his daughter. He just couldn't understand how this endless, soul-wrenching search had become his life. He'd almost lost Alexis twice now. Paris and when she'd been stabbed three years earlier. Both of them had made him face the inconceivable possibility of a future without his daughter, and he'd been so, so lucky that they both ended they way they had.

Alexis was kind, loving, generous, and totally nonthreatening. There was no reason for her to get pulled into these scenarios over and over again. He'd been asked—and had asked himself—how she could have become the victim of a brutal kidnapping. Was it her family connections? Had she just been in the wrong place at the wrong time? Over and over again, he had no answer. And Rick hated not having the answers.

Was she hurt? Was she frightened? Were they treating her well? Was she being abused?

Was she even still alive?

He was beyond wits end; he'd fallen into good, old-fashioned desperation. And in that desperation, in the hours and days and weeks that his mind had spent slamming against those impossible questions, he'd come to one solution.

"Rick?" Kate prompted, gently lifting his chin so he'd look her in the eye.

He looked into his wife's warm brown eyes—the same eyes that had kept him grounded through the worst thirty-four days of his entire life.

"I want to find Hunt."

Alexis was bored.

Her captivity had lasted about a month so far with no relief in sight. In that time she'd recovered from pneumonia and had gained back the weight she'd lost from her hunger strike. Thanks to her very surprising pregnancy, she'd become almost single-minded in her desire to be healthy again. In the back of her mind, she worried about the baby's health. Brigid had brought her prenatal vitamins, a book about pregnancy, and promised to set up a "field trip" for an ultrasound as soon as she could. Alexis still didn't know what Sloane had given her, and then she'd starved herself to prove a point. If either of those things had the power to hurt her child's health now or in the future, well, she needed to do everything she could to rectify that.

So Alexis had started exercising every day in Kevin's home gym, she'd cut back on coffee, and when Kevin had asked her what kind of foods she liked to eat, rather than telling him to stock the cupboards with wine and the processed foods she'd been living on for years, she'd asked for organic produce and whole-grains. She made a point to sleep whenever she was tired, which meant daily naps, and long, uninterrupted nights. Both were a luxury she hadn't enjoyed since before med school.

In the thirty-odd days since she'd found out she was responsible for growing a human life, her body had already begun to change for better and worse. Morning sickness had started right on time a couple weeks earlier. Her emotions ran from one end of the spectrum to another, often within the same breath. She was tired often, and aching even more often. Pickles had become her favorite food group.

The new kindness she was showing her body helped. When she was tired, she slept. Years of overexerting herself had left her with a deep kind of exhaustion, and she was chipping away at that exhaustion with each restful day in captivity. Thanks to her healthy options, and perhaps those damn hormones, her skin had never been better. Despite all the uncomfortable side effects of pregnancy, Alexis was feeling stronger, healthier, more energetic than she had in years. The irony was not lost on Alexis that after a month in Kevin's custody, she'd never been healthier.

She didn't know how much long she'd be able to keep her pregnancy from Kevin. He'd caught her throwing up twice, and she'd explained that it was food poisoning and had spent a few days in bed to make it seem convincing, which was more of a vacation that she was willing to admit.

The only problem with her captivity-turned-creepy-vacation—besides the obvious fact that she was being held against her will—was that it was boring. Kevin brought her an endless supply of books, magazines, and movies, but she couldn't access the internet or watch television. There was no way to connect to the outside world. After going full-speed for so many years, Alexis found herself starving for some sort of stimulation. She'd explored Kevin's giant apartment, and the the only exit was a pass code-controlled elevator that opened in the foyer. She didn't have the code. Kevin and Brigid refused to give it to her, and the housekeeper refused as well. Alexis didn't know what Kevin was paying the woman, but she never spoke to Alexis and barely made eye contact. Alexis didn't even know her name.

So after going through every cupboard, drawer, closet, and room in the entire place, Alexis' search was focused inward, in Kevin's room in particular. If she couldn't find means of escape, she could at least learn a little more about the man who held her captive. It wasn't really his room anymore, she'd taken it over, and his many gifts to her now filled most of the spaces in the room. But there were a few places she hadn't searched yet, like his bedside table. The bottom drawer was locked, but the one above it slid right open.

Alexis yanked open the drawer, and her eyes widened at the contents inside.

Bottles of lubricants and massage oils were lined up along one side, the labels describing a variety of effects: heat, added sensitivity, and a rainbow of flavors from strawberries to bubblegum. Alexis saw the lavender oil Kevin had used on her weeks before. A large box of condoms sat next to the lubricants, and lined up in a neat row beside the box was an assortment of items: a pair of padded handcuffs, strips of black silk in a variety of lengths, and a long feather.

Alexis picked up one of the strips of cloth. It was the same material Kevin had used when he'd brought her to his apartment. It had been soft on her wrists and tear-stained face, and she'd never considered why he had it or what its other uses could be. She pulled the material tight between both of her hands, her mind filling with possibilities.

She wasn't prepared for the wave of jealousy and inadequacy that washed over her. He'd clearly been entertaining other women while they'd been apart, and the thought made her sick and hurt. But what was worse was that her and Kevin's sex life had never been like that. His tastes had clearly evolved. Or maybe, a mean voice inside her head said, he was bored to begin with. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She hated this part of pregnancy the worst—the hormones that made everything much worse than it needed to be. She didn't need to feel so hurt about Kevin having a sex life; she'd had one too. And besides, she didn't want him anymore.

Her stomach twisted as she pressed her palms against her eyes, trying to push the tears back in. She didn't want him. She wasn't hurt. Maybe if she said it enough times it would be true.

She heard clipped footsteps coming down the hallway. Kevin. What a perfect time for him to decide to come home. She immediately shook her head. No, this wasn't home. She tossed the silk back into the drawer and closed it, taking deep breaths to control her raging emotions. He knocked on the door twice before opening it.

"Hey," he said with a smile.

She wanted to punch him.

Kevin took time to be with her every single day. If he was home during meal time he cooked for her, he showered her with gifts, and he always seemed so interested in whatever she was thinking and whatever she had to say. She tried hard to ignore him. Her forgiveness couldn't be bought. She wouldn't roll over and let him back in just because he was acting nice. But, again, she was bored and lonely, and more often than not she ended up talking with him because there was no one else. Perhaps he was in a similar boat, because no matter how bitchy she acted, he always came back.

He held a small bouquet of lilies in his hand, which he offered to her. "Are you alright?" he asked, his sharp gaze missing nothing.

She opened her mouth and quite purposely said his two least favorite words. "I'm fine." She took the flowers from his hand and carelessly tossed them on the bedside table.

"You look pissed off. What happened?"

She shook her head. "Nothing. I told you I'm fine."

His gaze softened just a bit as he watched her, trying to figure out what had her panties in a bunch. She looked away and heard him sigh.

"How has your day been?"

He asked her that every time he talked with her, and the worst part was that he genuinely wanted to know. He wasn't just offering pleasantries to assuage his guilt. He genuinely seemed to care and wanted to hear what she thought and how she felt.

"Fine."

He cocked his head to the side. "I can see that. What did you do?"

Overate at breakfast because she was starving all the time. Puked up breakfast because her body hated her. Exercised a bit and then ate some more. Read the chapter about prenatal deformities and then had a quiet panic attack. Asked herself how long she could expect to keep this charade going. Oh, and then she found his deviant sex drawer. It had been a truly great day.

"Nothing of interest."

He took a chance and sat down next to her on the edge of the bed. "I'm interested."

His earnest expression and the genuine concern and curiosity in his eyes were her undoing.

"How long did you wait?" she snapped.

He frowned. "What?"

"How long did you wait before you started sleeping with other women?"

He looked like he could not be any more shocked by her question. His eyes traveled from her face to his bedside table, where two inches of black silk were peeking out from the drawer. "I see you've been busy."

"Apparently not as busy as you've been."

A smile tugged at his mouth. She wanted to kiss it and smack it. Stupid hormones. "Are you jealous?"

"No," she almost shrieked, standing up.

"Because if you want sex, all you have to do is ask."

Something hot turned over in her belly, and she shook her head. "How long did you wait?"

"Alexis, I thought you were dead."

"So that makes it okay to just jump into bed with whoever you want? Did you even wait a week?"

He stood up. "Do you have any idea how crazy you sound?"

"I'm sorry our sex life was so boring for you. I'm glad to see you've found happiness."

He looked like she'd hit him, and she saw his hands shaking. Good. He should be hurt. He should be angry. Then he'd know how she felt. Ever since he'd lost his temper and force fed her, he'd been so careful. So kind. So attentive. Alexis wanted to bring that dark side back out. When he was cold, it was easier to hate him. It was easier to withhold forgiveness. In that moment he'd held her down, Alexis had seen the depths of his desperation. She'd seen that he was just as broken as she was. It was comforting, in a way, to know where they both stood. And when he was kind and loving, everything was fuzzy.

In the ultimate betrayal, tears slipped down her cheeks, and she quickly wiped them away. Kevin crossed the distance between them in a step, wrapping his arms around her.

"Don't touch me." She tried to push him away, but he wouldn't move. His hands moved over her hair, soothing her in the way he knew she liked best. Damn him.

His head tipped down, and she felt his nose brush against her ear. "I waited over a year, and every time I was with another woman after that I imagined she was you. I said I never stopped loving you, Alexis, and I meant it."

"You don't like the same things anymore," she said quietly, letting the biggest insecurity of all slip right through her lips.

"I like you," he said simply. "That hasn't changed."

She didn't know how to react to that. He bared himself to her every day, sharing nothing but positive energy and love, regardless of whatever accusations she had to throw at him. She was angry still, betrayed still, but she knew that if he kept it up, the poisoned well would run dry. And then where would she be?

"That night I found you again," he began,"that was the best night I've had in three years." His fingers lightly tugged at the ends of her hair, and she looked up at him. His expression was nothing short of totally devoted.

That night was amazing for her too until he'd run away and shown back up as some sort of hardened criminal, until she'd found out that he'd left a gift behind.

She needed to tell him. He deserved to know. After everything that had happened with Sarah Grace, he deserved to know he had another child. Besides, it was only a matter of time before she wore the truth on her body. At eight weeks she was pretty much exactly the same on the outside, but that wouldn't last. She had another month, six weeks tops before he knew the truth. And he'd hate her for not telling him.

But she couldn't bring herself to do it. There was still too much about him that she didn't know, didn't trust.

"Have dinner with me?" he asked, still holding her close. He asked the question almost every day, and her answer had always been the same.

She pulled away. "No."

He nodded and sighed. He'd been expecting her answer, but he was still hopeful enough to ask in the first place.

"Do you need anything?" he asked.

An escape. An ultrasound. Another hug. A kiss. Something to keep her from throwing up all the times. The truth about where he'd been and who he was. The promise that he wouldn't leave again. Alexis' list of needs had never been so long, and she knew that—with the exception of her freedom—he'd give her whatever she asked for. Because he loved her. Because he was trying to take care of her and make amends. Because even though she didn't know him anymore, the man she'd fallen in love with was still in there, just beneath the surface.

"No," she said quietly. "I don't need anything from you."

Kevin rode the elevator up to his apartment, hands shaking, mind shattered, only just containing the heaving in his chest.

Nolan had another messy job tonight, which was enough to push Kevin to the brink, but on top of that, Sloane had asked about Alexis. He'd asked whether Kevin needed help house training her and promised to pay a visit to see her progress. Kevin had only just managed to contain the rage and panic at the man's dark promise.

It didn't change anything, of course, Kevin still had a plan to stick to. It was just unsettling to know that Alexis might not be as safe in her tower as he'd originally hoped. The thought of Sloane touching her, of having to put on that act again, of blending the two different worlds that he lived in, made him physically ill.

The doors slid open in front of him and Kevin stepped into his apartment. He walked through the foyer and stopped, seeing Alexis standing in the kitchen in her pajamas, eating straight from a jar of pickles. It was well past midnight. He hadn't expected her to be awake.

He tried to find some semblance of control. "What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep," she shrugged, watching him warily.

He was tired of that expression on her face. He wanted to see happiness and love instead of thinly veiled anger. He knew it was a stupid thing to want, because he didn't deserve to want anything from her, but he couldn't help feeling that way.

"Just get off work?" she asked.

Horror trickled down his spine. If she had any idea what he'd been doing... He ran a hand through his hair, declining to comment.

He'd been so careful with her over the past month. He'd been trying so hard to make her happy, to make her comfortable, to make her understand that he wasn't and never would be a threat to her. There were brief moments when he thought he might be getting through to her, but generally she was unmoved by his actions. She still wanted to leave; she still resented him for making her stay. Those moments when she let him in and they talked made the whole ordeal bearable. Their talks had been nothing of consequence, but they'd meant everything to him.

Normally, he understood and even accepted her hatred. He deserved it. He deserved every ounce of anger, every dirty look, every moment when she second-guessed him, but that night he needed more. He was a selfish bastard and he needed kindness. He needed a smile. A hug. Anything to calm his racing heart, anything to escape the soul-sick, bone-deep darkness.

"Kevin?"

His head snapped over to look at her. He was unraveling. He had to pull it together. When things got too bad, nights like this, he often found refuge in the arms of a random woman and would pretend that she was Alexis. Of course, he couldn't do that tonight. Not anymore. Because he had Alexis. She was right in front of him, staring at him with a mix of confusion and distrust.

"Tell me about them." His voice broke.

"Who?" She looked confused.

He almost couldn't make his mouth form their names. "Castle, Beckett… J-Javi."

Alexis' eyes widened. It was the first time he'd ever acknowledged their friends from before. He rarely let himself indulge in that line of thinking, but he couldn't help it. He was spiraling, and he needed something to anchor him.

The shock in her eyes twisted to anger, and Kevin couldn't brace himself for her words. "It would break their hearts to know what you've turned into."

The air was sucked out of the room, replaced with helpless despair, and Kevin forced himself to walk away. Alexis had tried several times in the past month to pick a fight with him, to hurt him, and he'd quickly learned it was best to leave, to disengage. He knew she would never see him any differently if he kept showing her his worst side.

He went out to the terrace and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket with shaking hands, trying to find some semblance of peace. The smooth nicotine did nothing to cool the hot emotion that was burning through his psyche.

It would break their hearts—

He shook himself. No. He couldn't think about that. Something dark and frightening was clawing its way up his chest. He had to control it.

"You know, smoking can kill you."

He just couldn't escape. She'd seen his weakness, and she was determined to exploit it. "Leave me alone."

"Tell me where you've been."

As if that was even an option. She's already seen too much. She already hated him and distrusted him. He couldn't tell her. He couldn't share that side of his life with her. He could barely handle living it. How would she ever forgive him if she knew what he was capable of?

She wouldn't.

He stood up, attempting to move past her. She pushed him back with a surprising amount of strength.

"Running away again? You've gotten pretty good at that, haven't you?"

He wouldn't engage. He wouldn't break. He took a ragged breath, those fine threads of control so close to snapping.

"When did you turn into such a coward?"

He both felt and heard something shatter inside his mind, and before he knew it, he had Alexis pressed up against the brick, his fingers wrapped tight around her arms. He was almost panting with the emotional exertion burning through him. She didn't look afraid. On the contrary, she looked triumphant.

"Stop," he breathed.

"I'll stop when you let me leave."

He shook his head, a ragged laugh escaping him. "You know I won't do that."

"I hate you," she hissed.

The words cut through him. Sliced him to ribbons. Left him in pieces at her feet.

Kevin grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at him. "Hate me all you want, but you're not leaving. I had to survive losing you once. I'd sooner die than lose you again."

He let her go and walked away.

She was anger personified. Alexis slammed the bedroom door behind her and headed to the bathroom, grabbing a few new hairpins. She went straight for the locked drawer, moving the pins around with purpose in the lock until she heard it click. If Kevin wanted to be a secretive bastard, that was fine. She'd find out the answers herself.

Alexis wasn't expecting to see her own face staring up at her from within the drawer. Pictures had been stacked in a shoe box, and anger seeped out of her as she looked through them.

There were several pictures of Sarah Grace, from birth up until just before she'd passed away.

There were older pictures of a little girl that looked just like Brigid with another, older girl and a young Kevin. They were just children, standing with a man and a woman—his parents. It was a picture of his family.

There were more recent photos, from just a few years ago. Her dad and Kate at a Halloween party. Kate was pregnant with Johanna. Pictures of Javi and Kevin, and a picture of Javi and Lanie.

Alexis found the stack with her own face. Halloween, that weekend they'd spent in the Hamptons, New Year's Eve, the day they'd moved in together. She stared at a picture of the two of them. His arms were wrapped around her, and he was kissing the side of her face. They looked like they were in their own perfect world. She didn't recognize the happiness on her own face, or Kevin's for that matter.

She sat back against the side of the bed. This was what he'd been hiding. This was what no one else could see. The people he loved. The best side of himself. Most people put their good side on display, hiding darker things. Kevin did the opposite. He'd been hiding the the good parts of himself, locking them away in a shoe box.

No, that wasn't entirely true. He'd been showing her the good side of him every day for the last month. She was the one who refused to recognize it. Alexis pressed her hand against her abdomen. The life growing inside her was half Kevin, and she didn't know what that meant anymore. She didn't know who he was, but if she was being totally fair, she knew there was bad as well as good.

He'd lied to her.

He'd protected her.

He'd held her captive.

He'd made her life comfortable.

He'd frightened her.

He'd comforted her.

He was a different man.

The man she'd fallen in love with was still inside him—just hiding.

She hated him.

She loved him.

He loved her.

He'd never stopped loving her.

Alexis rested her head in her hands. Anger was slipping away faster than she could hold onto it, leaving her with cold, uncomfortable guilt. Something had happened. The look on his face when he'd come home… it was haunted. Broken. Like an exposed nerve. And she'd pounced on that vulnerability. He'd asked her a genuine question, and she'd turned it against him. She had thought hurting him would make her feel better, but it didn't really. It didn't make her feel any better. It just left her with guilt and sickness and something like regret.

He'd lied to her. He'd run away. He'd taken her freedom.

And he'd spent every day trying to make amends for that, never asking for anything in return.

With a sigh, Alexis pushed herself to her feet. It was time to eat crow.

She knocked on his bedroom door. No answer. She pushed open the door and quietly stepped into complete darkness.

"What do you want?"

She took a moment to let her eyes adjust. God, he sounded so, so tired. Had she done that? She thought she saw his form hunched over, sitting on the edge of the bed. She carefully approached him, not sure what to do or say. She wasn't sure exactly why she'd come in. To apologize? To comfort him? To have a much needed talk? They were all true and false at the same time.

"Alexis," he began. He sounded so broken. So helpless. So lost. "Please." Her mind filled in the blanks.

Please leave him alone.

Please don't hurt him again.

Please just let him have a moment of peace and quiet.

She perched herself on the edge of the bed, leaving plenty of distance between them. "My little sister was born on Valentine's Day."

He didn't respond, but he didn't ask her to leave either, so she continued. "Her name is Johanna. She looks just like Kate, this tiny, brown-eyed doppelganger, but she's all dad. She's always getting into things. She's got this adorable attitude, and she's already learning to write a little bit. She sits on the floor in dad's office while he's working, writing her own stories. She just turned three."

She inched a little closer to him, watching as his posture began to slowly relax.

"Kate's an amazing mother. She also made captain, so she's around a bit more often. Dad still writes, and now that Johanna's started preschool he's gotten his PI license to keep him busy. They're really happy."

His breathing began to even out. And Alexis moved closer. They were only inches apart. "Javi and Lanie have a little boy. His name is Aaron. He's adorable. They're getting married soon."

She conveniently left out all the damage his absence had left behind. He didn't need to hear that. Not right now.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Alexis reached out for him. His face was wet under her fingertips.

Every muscle in his body tensed at her touch.

She pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I'm sorry, Kevin."

Alexis watched her words wash over him, and she hoped he understood her. She was apologizing for hurting him. For being ungrateful. For throwing the people he clearly still loved in his face. For not seeing the good in him that he'd quietly been showing her all along. For the pain she didn't understand but knew he carried. For the fact that he'd had to bear that burden alone.

It wasn't forgiveness. It wasn't acceptance. It was acknowledging the good and bad in both of them, and it the best she could give him.

Slowly, his fingers twined in her hair, and the tip of his nose glided over her cheek. His lips brushed against the corner of her mouth in the lightest, softest of kisses. Instantly, a fire was lit in her belly, spreading outward over her skin. She turned her head just a bit, so his lips hovered over hers, never making contact.

He was like stone. Unmoving, totally rigid until her touch, refusing to be the one to push them over the the fine edge they stood on. Without quite understanding why, Alexis dragged her thumb over his cheekbone, angling her head just the slightest bit, and closed the distance between them.

The instant his mouth was on hers, the fire flared to an inferno. Her tongue traced his lips, begging for entrance, and he softly moaned as he let her in. He tasted like whiskey, cigarettes, and something distinctly Kevin. The flavor was an intoxicating cocktail of old and new. It wasn't her favorite, but it wasn't altogether unpleasant.

The kiss was slow and sensual, so different from their last kiss. There was no hurried gnashing of teeth, ripping emotional Band-aids and seeking a long-awaited release. It was a gentle, thorough re-introduction. A simmering embrace that left her breathless for more.

Her hands slid down his bare chest, dragging her fingernails as she went, taking great satisfaction in the groan that rumbled through his chest. He pulled her into his lap and gently lifted the camisole over her head. She raised her arms to help his plight, moaning at the sensation of her bare skin against his. Kevin's thumb traced one nipple as he gently cupped her breast, and she couldn't hold back her pleasure-pained cry. Pregnancy was changing her body already, and her tender breasts couldn't take much teasing.

When his mouth closed over her other nipple, she arched her back, bucking her hips as her voice jumped up a few octaves. She pushed him back, panting. It was too much. Desire ached between her legs, but Kevin's shaking limbs and her own racing heart told the truth. They were both too raw, too sensitive, too exposed.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

With a deep breath, she pushed him onto his back and lowered herself next to him, letting his body curl around hers as he rested his face in the crook of her neck.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "Please don't leave."

Part of her wanted to run. She'd already given too much to him. She needed to keep her distance if she wanted her mind and heart to have any chance of survival.

Another part, a part that ran as deep as the marrow in her bones, told her to stay. It wasn't logical, and she couldn't justify it. But she listened to it, and she snuggled closer to him as the exhaustion of the night, of their situation, of growing another life inside her own body took over.

"I'll stay."

Author's Note: Phew... Now I'm exhausted.

I hope you all enjoyed the latest installment. A million thanks to everyone who has reviewed! Please keep it up!

Next time: Alexis finds it harder and harder to hide the truth.