79. Starvation

He tells himself that he's been expecting it, but if he's really honest, he knows that he hasn't for a while now. Things had been going so well. It was so easy to get lured into a false sense of security. Too easy to let pretty words and a prettier mouth convince him that it would work out.

He's had enough psychological evaluations over the course of his career to know that he has 'abandonment and self worth issues'. And the last psychologist had suggested that he was carrying out some self-fulfilling prophecy.

Victoria had never been a real partner in their marriage. She was used to being catered to and obeyed, and most days he'd felt more like a servant than a husband. Deep down he had always suspected that she would leave when he was no longer able to comply with her every demand.

Lucinda was a coworker, which was never a smart choice. Their relationship had an immediate, unnecessary strain on it. And she had always been so distant, even when they were alone together. Spencer's outing them had been the catalyst, but their relationship had started with a countdown already running.

And Spencer…God, Spencer. He had been the biggest disaster of them all. Who in their right mind would ever think it was a good idea to take a man with abandonment issues and another man with a phobia of commitment and throw them together in any sort of romantic entanglement?

But…

He had needed that human contact. In the beginning, it was easy enough to pretend that that was all it was. Nothing but pure, physical gratification. But he has never been good at keeping things simple. At separating the physical from the emotional. He wants, needs, so much more than just a body in his bed. Once he's had part of someone, he craves the rest of them. Casual sex is fine for some people, but he wants it all.

Not that he has anything against touching, provided that the right person is doing said touching. His mother hasn't ever been an overly affectionate woman by any definition of the word, and as a result he both craves and shies away from physical contact. He is touch starved, but even when all he wants to do is lean in closer, something makes him draw away.

And then came Shawn, who saw him drawing away and seemed to take that as his cue to press closer. Shawn, who is beautiful and intelligent and infuriating and damaged. Shawn, who uses his humor as a defense mechanism to keep everyone emotionally distant, even as he crowds into their personal space to distract them from the fact that his gaiety is a facade.

Shawn, who makes him feel and hope and hunger.

And when Shawn finally realizes that what had started out as a 'thing' is quickly turning into an actual relationship and takes to the road almost before he understands why his captivating young lover is freaking out, he tells himself that he's been expecting it, that he isn't surprised. What could he possibly have to offer that would ever compel someone like Shawn to stay?

Kristin: Oh, it's a dark, dark day, darlings! There's been much gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes here today. I'm so far beyond distraught that I can't even see it from here. My external hard drive, which contains over 400GB/9 years of my life died on me. Videos, pictures, almost everything I've ever written. Everything is gone. I found some software than claims it can recover my files, but I don't want to get my hopes too far up. And yes, I should have backed things up, but I switched computers recently and just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

The piece I had been planning to finish for today is MIA and I really wasn't in the mood to write, so you guys are getting more of an internal ramble than a fic. It was written super fast and I barely spent any time looking over it, so it's not great and there might be errors that I missed. Sorry about that. I'll try to do something better for tomorrow.

melanie-Thanks! Glad you're feeling better.

PeanutTree-Yay! I'm glad you like it! I love Lassie to pieces, but the man has issues.