Heart of Stone

By:

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Eleven

"I found you shaking like a leaf underneath your family tree." —Bear's Den, "When You Break"

After more than three years of waiting, three years of unanswered questions and heartache, she was finally going to learn the truth.

Alexis sat against the headboard in her bed, cradling an ice pack against her aching face. Her stomach twisted with anxiety and anticipation. Kevin had explained that it would be a long story and that she might as well be comfortable for it, so she'd taken a few minutes to change out of her shredded clothes, wash her face, and comb out her hair. It seemed like he'd needed the time to collect his thoughts anyway.

Kevin was perched on the edge of the bed. He didn't seem to be able to look at her. "Kevin?" she prompted. She knew it wasn't easy for him, but she needed an answer. She'd waited long enough.

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. His gaze was locked on the floor. "How much do you remember of that day in the warehouse?"

In an instant, memories flashed in her mind. Waking up to the smell of chocolate-chip pancakes. Accidentally telling Kevin she'd like to marry him someday, and being giddy with love and relief with his answer.

I like the sound of that someday.

Then other memories moved to the surface: being abducted from the parking lot of her medical school and the fear that pressed in on her as she waited, restrained with a bag over her head, to find out what would happen to her. The relief and confusion that coursed through her when she saw Kevin in that filthy warehouse. The flash of pain and then the nothingness that wrapped around her as her body succumbed to hypovolemic shock. Kevin's tear-filled eyes locked on hers. His arms wrapped around her, warming her, holding her close as she took her last breaths.

Alexis—stay with me. Please, just… hold on.

Darkness cradling her, and then, a world of bright lights, sharp voices, cold air that sank into her bones, and pain—unending pain.

"Everything," she whispered. "I remember everything. The old man, Sloane, Brigid, you… I remember all of it." She wished she could forget.

He nodded. "The old man's name is Quinn Nolan. He's Sloane's boss. He's the head of a crime syndicate based in Ireland, and in recent years he's expanded to New York. He's sadistic, merciless, and ambitious. He's the reason you have to wear a bulletproof vest at crime scenes now."

"What does this have to do with you?" she asked wearily.

"I—I've known him for a long time. Longer than I've known you or Castle or even Javi and Beckett." Kevin hesitated. "Nolan killed my parents."

Alexis sat ramrod straight, the ice pack slipping onto the comforter, completely forgotten. "You told me your parents died in a car crash when you were sixteen."

"They did die in a car crash. Their brake lines were cut, and someone put enough pressure on the police that it was never investigated."

"Then how do you know it was him?"

Kevin's head lifted up, and for a moment he stared off in the distance. Then his gaze dropped back down to the floor. "Because he told me."

A terrible sense of foreboding slipped into the pit of her stomach. "I don't understand."

He sighed. "I grew up in upstate New York, but after our parents died, me and my sisters went to lived with my father's parents in Ireland. We'd never met them before, but they were the only relatives we had left. They seemed so excited to welcome us into their lives. Our grandmother was a strong, kind woman—a nurse. Karen was eighteen when our parents died, and after sticking around a few months to make sure that Brig and I were in good hands, she went off to college in Dublin. Brigid was only ten and, missing both her mother and her older sister, she became very close with our grandmother. I don't see much of our mother in Brigid, but I see a lot of Moira, our grandmother, in her."

Alexis' heart broke for her friend. She couldn't imagine how awful it would be to lose your parents at any age, much less at ten years old. "And what about your grandfather?"

A bitter laugh slipped through his lips. "My grandfather saw the anger and sadness and fear in my sixteen-year-old self, and he took me under his wing. He wanted to teach me everything he knew, and for a while he filled the void my father's death left behind. He talked about family and commitment and honor and tradition. I had a lot of respect for him." His voice shook. "Just before I turned seventeen, my grandfather took me to work. He wanted to show me the family business. He said that since my dad was dead, it would be up to me to run it. He… He killed a man right in front of me, and then he told me the truth. He said my mother was a whore who had gotten pregnant on purpose and drove my father away from his family. My grandfather spent almost twenty years tracking them down. And once he did, once he saw the life they'd created and the grandson that could take his son's place, he killed them."

Alexis' eyes went wide, shock wiping away everything but one unspoken statement. "Nolan is your grandfather?"

For the first time since his confession had begun, Kevin's eyes met hers. She saw tears there—and years of hidden grief. He nodded. "After he told me all that, I tried to hurt him. I was so angry, so betrayed. I couldn't believe that someone would do that to their own family, that any man was capable of murdering their own child. All I got for my disobedience was a black eye and the chore of cleaning up the dead man's body. I don't think I've ever been so sick in my entire life." He took a deep breath. "I went along with it—I knew he'd kill me if I said no. For two months I did his dirty work and learned the ins and outs of his syndicate. But I had a plan. One night when he was away on a trip, I stole some money—enough for me and Brigid to make a new life together. She didn't want to leave. She said she was happy there and she loved our grandmother too much to run away. She didn't know what my grandfather was doing, and I didn't tell her. I mean, how do you tell an eleven-year-old that her grandfather is a murderer? That the closest thing she has to a mother has likely been complicit in these crimes? So I let her stay. That night I left Ireland, came back to the US, bought a new identity, and became Kevin Ryan."

"And your sisters?"

"I spent years hoping and praying that I hadn't abandoned them to their deaths. Turns out half my prayers were answered. Nolan's a traditional guy—he'd sooner marry her off to one of his associates than involve her in the dirty work, and our grandmother protected her, taught her medicine, and she ended up becoming the family's medical professional. After I escaped, she was watched so closely that she never had a chance to do it herself, but she didn't have to do Nolan's dirty work or become some criminal's wife. She was more or less safe."

"What about Karen?"

"She was still at college when I left. I think school was her refuge, because she didn't come home in the year I was still living with Nolan. She barely called and we kind of lost touch. I didn't worry about her as much because as long as she stayed away, I knew she'd be safe. After you d—After I came back to the family, Brigid told met that Karen had found some low-level thug in Ireland a year after I left. He'd somehow figured out the relation and pursued her in the hopes of getting Nolan's attention. She got married at nineteen, and her husband was abusive. One night he drank too much and hit her so hard she never woke up. Nolan made him pay the price, but… it's not enough." His voice shook. "I was finishing up high school under a fake identity in the US while my big sister was beaten to death. What kind of selfish person does that to his family?"

Alexis was speechless with grief. So much had been taken from him: his parents, his sister, his innocence. She was sick for him. "It's not your fault," she found herself saying. "You couldn't have known what would happen."

Kevin just rubbed his hands over his face and shook his head. For a moment she thought he was about to break down, but with yet another deep breath, he continued. "I finished high school and graduated from college and created a life for myself. After a few years in the US, I started to feel happy again. I still thought about Brigid and Karen, but I knew there was no going back. I thought the best way I could honor them was to become the kind of person who helped others in similar situations. So I joined the police academy and worked my way up to detective. I started in narcotics and was undercover for a long time. My superiors always wondered why I was so good at it. They didn't know that by that point I'd been in hiding for eight years, just trying to live my life. And then I transferred to homicide. I met Javi and Beckett and your dad, and eventually you." He gave her a small, watery smile.

"Does Esposito or Jenny know about this?"

"No. Nobody knows. I left that life behind me. You're the first person I've told."

His trust and forced confession weighed heavily on her shoulders. "I found the ring," she said suddenly. She wished she could pull the words back as soon as she had said them, but another part of her needed him to acknowledge the life they'd almost had together.

He moved a little closer, and his hand found hers. His warm touch sent shivers down her spine. She wanted to sink into the that warmth, but she had a terrible feeling that his story wasn't over yet. He watched her for a moment, his expression totally broken. "It's one of my biggest regrets that I never got to use it." His voice broke and he cleared his throat. "Alexis, you were—and are—more than I could ever hope to deserve. Just being a small part of your life made me the happiest man in the entire world. I want you to know that. I want you to know how exceptional you are and how grateful I am that you let me into your heart, even for as short a time as we had together."

Silence set in. Alexis could barely breathe under the smothering despair in the room, and tears slipped down her face. How had he carried that burden for so long? When she'd known him before, he seemed happy-go-lucky. Even those glimpses of darkness she'd seen in him—like the night his grief over Sarah Grace had led him to get drunk and start a bar fight—hadn't compared to darkness swarming around the man in front of her. She believed he really had found some way to be happy in the life he'd lived as Kevin Ryan. And she was glad that he had. He'd kept a secret of enormous proportions for almost half of his life, he carried overwhelming heartache and terrible memories, but he had somehow been strong enough to survive that—to find true happiness in the second chance he'd been given.

And she'd been a part of that happiness. She'd been a part of that second chance. Alexis was so, so sad for him, so sickened by anger for what had been taken from him, but she was relieved, too. Their time together hadn't been ruined by the secrets he'd been carrying. Their time together had been one of the best parts of his life. She wished, for the millionth time, that the last three years hadn't happened. They would have been so happy together.

Alexis took a deep breath and forced herself to ask the question that had been hanging over them since he'd showed up at her apartment. She knew the answer wouldn't be a good one. She knew the answer might break them, but she had to know.

"What happened after the warehouse?"

He released her hand and resumed his distance. For a moment, he was quiet, trying to find the words to share his side of the story. "You know your dad gave me permission to propose? Jesus, we were so happy, so hopeful, just a few hours earlier. I really thought we were going to live happily ever after. I should have known better," he said quietly, taking a deep, shuddering breath. "After the warehouse… you were so cold. There was so much blood. I… I felt like my world had died with you. Nolan said he'd killed you to teach me a lesson. And he said that if I didn't come back with him, if I didn't join the family again, that he'd do the same to everyone else I cared about—your dad, Beckett, Javi, even Brigid." He took a deep breath. "So I went with him."

She drew in a soft, shuddering breath of her own. "And the last three years?"

"I was completely intoxicated for about eight straight months. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw you die again. I knew it was my fault. I'd brought it on you. Brigid is the only reason I didn't die of alcohol poisoning. Alexis, I know it's hard for you to believe, but I really didn't know you had survived until a few months ago. I was too wasted to pay attention to the news, and I stopped being part of that world after you died. I couldn't contact your family; I couldn't check in on them. Brigid was the one who made sure Nolan kept up his end of the bargain and didn't hurt them, and she chose to keep me in the dark about your survival because she believed that you deserved a chance to heal and move on."

Alexis didn't have a response for that. She didn't know that Brigid had kept the truth from her brother, but looking back, it made perfect sense. The blonde hadn't been surprised to find Alexis alive, unlike Kevin. How much pain could have been avoided if he had just known the truth? Suddenly Alexis understood why he'd sent Brigid away. Clearly the baby wasn't the first thing she'd lied to him about.

He took a deep breath and continued. "It took over a year for me to even be able to function on a basic level, but once I did, Nolan expected me to pull my weight. He reminded me whose lives were at stake if I didn't cooperate, and for the last two years, I've done whatever he's asked."

Kevin's words hung over her head, swarming through her mind, and the weight of the grief turned to pain. She shook her head slowly, as if refusing to accept his words would make them less true. She wasn't surprised. In the back of her mind, she knew this was a very realistic possibility. But hearing Kevin acknowledge those sins was a different thing altogether.

Spurred by her reaction, Kevin moved closer, holding her hands tightly. His expression was devastated, and tears slipped down his face. "You want to know who I am now? I'm a monster. I hurt people, Alexis. I lie and steal and k-kill, and now I'm dead inside. I sold my soul to protect the people I care about, and I'd do it all over again because their safety and happiness is worth more than my rotten life."

"No," she whispered, her skin turning to ice beneath his touch.

"Do you understand now? Do you understand that I'm ruined? That there's nothing left of the man you fell in love with? He died in that warehouse."

She shook her head, sobs racking her chest. Alexis had thought that there was no excuse Kevin could give that would make her forgive him. She'd knew that he was involved in underhanded things, and she'd mentally prepared herself for them, knowing that once he confessed, she'd have to give him up.

What she didn't expect was to drown in grief. Grief for what had been taken from him. Grief for what he'd given up for his loved ones. And anger. So much anger. The emotion pressing on her chest physically hurt, because he'd been hurt. Because he believed that he was beyond saving, beyond love, beyond forgiveness. And she didn't know if that was true or not. She couldn't condone murder. She probably couldn't condone any of the things he'd done under his grandfather's orders. But when she looked at the broken man in front of her, the man who had lost so much and willingly given up the rest of his life to keep her friends and family safe… She couldn't condemn him either. Her arms wrapped around herself, but Kevin kept his distance.

"Why didn't you ask for help? Why did you take this burden alone?"

"I called Castle before going to the warehouse that night. He didn't make it in time to stop what happened, but he did make it in time to save you, so I guess it worked out." He sighed. "I'm not happy with how my life turned out, Alexis, but after all the suffering that had already happened because of me, after watching you bleed out… I couldn't endanger them like that. How was I supposed to look Castle in the face after you'd been hurt so badly because of me? How was I supposed to ask them to endanger their lives because I'd been keeping secrets?"

"They love you," she said. "They would have helped you. They would have done whatever they could to keep all of this from happening."

"And they would have died for their efforts. Alexis, I already got my second chance. I don't deserve another one, and I'm certainly not going to risk other people's lives over it."

She simply couldn't believe how quickly he'd given up on himself. It wasn't fair—to him or anyone else. Why hadn't he fought harder?

"How did you find me?" she asked.

"The fire. It was me."

Her eyes widened. "You… You saved my life?"

"I thought I was imagining things at first. It wouldn't have been the first time I hallucinated and saw you, but the scar made me hope enough to look for you. Unfortunately, Nolan found out that I went back in, and that's how Sloane ended up finding you too. The old man doesn't like loose ends."

They were all caught up, and Alexis wished she had never asked in the first place. She'd thought getting the answers would help. It didn't. "What about Sloane? Why does he have so much power?"

"He's Nolan's personal bulldog, and he's beyond my reach. If I do anything to him, it's all over. Your family's dead, and that son of a bitch isn't worth their lives."

"So... what? He just gets to do whatever the hell he wants and we'll never be able to fight back?"

He paused, as if questioning how much he should tell her. "Nolan has stage four pancreatic cancer. He's got a few more months at most."

"That's a painful way to die," she said. She was glad for his pain. He deserved it. "And when he's gone? What happens then?"

"Sloane wants to lead, and I'm sure he'd love to get rid of me so he has total claim to the syndicate. I think the only thing that's stopped him so far is that he doesn't have enough of a following yet to overthrow Nolan and take things into his own hands. The old man may be bedridden and dying, but he's got a loyal following. It's a waiting game, Alexis. Right now our hands are tied, but so are Sloane's. Once Nolan goes... the rules will change. I don't know if that change will be for better or worse."

"We have to call my family, Kevin. We need help. We can't do this alone."

"You don't have to do anything," he reminded her. "I'll take care of it."

"Kevin—"

"You don't think Nolan's reach extends to the NYPD? How else do you think he's gained so much power so quickly? How else would it be so easy for him to kill your family if he thought I wasn't under his control anymore?"

"So we'll go higher," she said. "There's got to be a solution—"

"I said I'll take care of it, Alexis. You don't need to worry. I won't let anything happen to—"

"You don't have the power to promise that!" she snapped, knowing exactly how many times he'd said those words and how many times she'd ended up hurt anyway. "There's a baby coming, Kevin—"

"I know there's a baby coming!"

His angry retort shocked her into silence. His blue eyes were wild, and he ran his hands through his hair. "And I swear on my life that you will both be safe."

Her mind shifted back through every moment since she'd seen him again after three years. He'd done nothing but love her, and every single action he'd taken had been to protect her, whether she liked it or not, whether she was kind or grateful or not. He accepted her hatred and anger, and he'd returned them with love and patience. He'd protected her, comforted her, taken care of her and loved her, asking for nothing in return.

She'd been terrified to find out who the father of her child was. That was why she hadn't told him. She didn't trust him. And it turned out she was at least partially right to not trust him. There was blood on his hands, and those stains were created out of his love for her and her family. The father of her child was a murderer. The father of her child had sacrificed everything to protect the people he loved. She couldn't reconcile those two halves.

Tears slid down her face, fear and heartache pulling shallow sobs from her chest. She was so tired of crying. She was so tired of everything. "How?"

He slowly moved closer, and she didn't shy away. Despite what she now knew, despite the many sins she couldn't bring herself to accept about him, it didn't even occur to her to be afraid of the broken, criminal man in front of her. His hands rested on her abdomen, the heat of his skin sinking through her shirt. She relaxed against his touch as his forehead pressed against hers. "I have a plan."

"What plan?"

"I'm going to take them down—Nolan and Sloane both. And I'm going to do it without killing them. I just need some time to get everything ready."

"I want to go home," she said. She didn't want to talk anymore. She didn't want to hear how fucked they truly were. She wanted to sleep, to eat something, to run outside with no more walls pressing in on her. She wanted Kevin to hold her and promise her that everything would be okay. And she wanted him to stop touching her with those bloodstained hands.

"I know. And you will." He sounded sad about that. "I know this is... a nightmare for you, but I need you to wait just a little longer, okay?"

"How long?"

"Two, maybe three months at most."

Months. He'd said months. Alexis tried to imagine three more months of being trapped inside his apartment. Claustrophobia pressed in on her, and nausea twisted in her stomach. She bolted away from him, barely making it to the bathroom in time. Her empty stomach heaving, releasing nothing. Tears slid down her face and spots appeared in her vision. Gentle hands pulled her hair away from her face and caught her when her body stopped trying to expel the panic inside her.

He pulled her back against his chest. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

She didn't know what he was apologizing for. It could have been any number of things.

But for the first time, Alexis found she didn't care. She didn't care that he loved her. She didn't care about what he'd done. She didn't even care that she was six months away from bringing an unwanted, ill-timed baby into the world.

Darkness wrapped around her like an old friend, and Alexis gave up. Exhaustion, heartache, and heavy, soul-crushing truths had taken everything out of her. There was simply nothing left.

Author's Note: Wow, guys. This chapter was even harder to write than the final chapter of In My Veins. I've gone back and forth on how to tell Kevin's story while being true to both of the characters most affect by his decisions—Alexis and Kevin himself. I hope I achieved that in this chapter.

On a happy note, today is Seamus Dever's birthday and In My Veins turns one tomorrow! (Or today for my British readers—Loujohn, I'm looking at you!) Last July 28th, after a few months of this crazy Rylexis story kicking around in my head, I wrote and posted the first chapter. I had no idea what a huge project this would become or how much I would come to love these characters. If you're reading this, that means you've tagged along for this crazy ride. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'd love to know what you think of the big revelation—love, hate, or indifference—so please review.

Next time: The truth is out. Now Kevin and Alexis have to learn to live with it, and Castle finally catches a break on his daughter's case.