"Charlie? Hello, earth to Charlotte!" Mel was waving her hand in front of my face. I blinked and looked at her. "You've been staring off into space for the past five minutes. What are you thinking so deeply about?" She sat on the edge of my desk. I shrugged.
"Nothing." I forced a quick smile and left to go stick a file in a archives, hoping to seek some refuge where I could calm myself down.
I sat in the back corner, my forehead resting on my knees. I was taking deep breaths, trying to force memories I had buried to be be reburied. They wouldn't go away, they clung to me like leeches, sucking everything out of me until I was crying all over again.
"Charlie?" My stomach almost rejected my breakfast at the sound of Ianto's voice. I didn't want him to see me like his, I didn't want anyone to see vulnerable. I wrapped my arms tightly around my legs, forcing myself to stop crying. "Honey, are you okay?" He set the stack of files on the ground and knelt next to me. I looked at him and nodded, still biting my cheek to contain myself. "Were you crying?" I shook my head quickly and stood up, brushing off my jeans. "Charlie, please talk to me. I know something's wrong." Ianto grabbed my arm tightly as I tried to leave. I took a deep breath and ripped my arm free.
"I'm talking. There. Now can I go?" I could feel my hard shell encasing me again, pushing everyone away. Ianto dropped his arm and looked at me, shocked.
"Charlotte, what's wrong with you?" He sounded hurt. I tried to push through my shell, to reach out and apologize, but I was too far buried within.
"Wrong with me? It's always me that's wrong, isn't?" I huffed. I rolled my eyes and began to leave again. Ianto reached out to grab my arm again, but let it fall to his side.
"Babe..." He looked hurt now. I turned and looked back at him. "I'm sorry for whatever I did. I want to fix it." I tried to contain myself, suppress the snarly remarks, but I couldn't fight the beast that had overtaken me.
"This is a problem you can never fix." I sneered before going upstairs and walking out of the hub, leaving behind any humanity I had within me.
I got a hotel room. I didn't even go to Ianto's flat to get my stuff. He could keep it for all I cared. I needed to isolate myself, contain the beast that had grown inside of me. A beast whose sole purpose was to protect me. Protect me from my past, from people who would hurt me and leave me heartbroken. The beast I had kept with me for ten years.
I laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling. My shell was beginning to thin and my past was seeping back in through the cracks. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to contain my tears. I didn't allow myself to cry, a habit I had picked up at an early age. It was too quiet, I could feel my emptiness taking over again. When you depend on only yourself for ten years, it leaves behind some severe effects. I sat up and tucked my knees under my chin. It was a hollow feeling, loneliness. My body ached from the loss of filling. I had grown used to feeling whole.
There's was a knock on my door. It was around 8pm and I had been drifting in and out of sleep, fighting off nightmares of my past. I stared at the door, listening to it knock a few times.
"Charlotte?" I froze at the sound of Jacks voice. "Can we talk?" I took a deep breath and slowly opened the door.
"Talk." I hissed. Jack looked at me, confused.
"Whats gotten into you?" He furrowed his eyebrows. I stared at him, seeming annoyed. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you why you left so suddenly. We had work to do and could have used your help." Jack let himself into the room, setting his coat on the bed. "So, please, enlighten me." I rolled my eyes.
"Jack, I don't really have time to fill you in on very little detail of my life. I left because I felt like it." I sneered, leaning against the still open door. "And now, you can leave me to my beauty sleep." I pointed out the door. Jack shook his head and smiled.
"Nope, sit, you're going to tell me every detail of your life. I've got all night."