Jack and I sat across from each other, staring. Jack was waiting for me to share my life story and I wasn't going to crack.
"Charlotte, you are going to have to tell me eventually, otherwise I can just find it out for myself. We are all worried about your sudden change and we want you to come back to work because we missed you today." Jack kept his ground but moved over to sit next to me. I inched away and crossed my arms.
"Its none of your business." I said in a low voice. Jack sighed and nodded. "How come you have to know everything about us but none of us know a thing about you?" I raised an eyebrow. Jack looked away.
"Because my past is...complicated. It's something I keep buried deep in my subconscious because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to do my job." He looked back at me. "My past is the future. I was born in the 51st century." Jack smiled. "Now it's your turn." He put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I swear that anything that is said here will stay here." I shrugged off his hand, but tried to dig deep inside of me to access my memories.
"My past sounds similar to yours," I said slowly. "I buried it deep within me to protect myself from it." I looked down at my hands, bracing myself for the emotional shock that would happen when 16 years of memories come flooding back. I took slow deep breaths and bit my lip. "Where do you want me to start?" I asked quietly.
"Anywhere you want."
"Miss Charlotte?" Sofia, my nanny from Russia, peered into my room. I was sitting on the floor, coloring in my new coloring book. I was six.
"Yes?" I smiled up at her as she closed the door behind her. She sat down next to me and looked at my picture.
"Your mother and father are going to be gone for the weekend, so it will just be you and I!" She smiled at me, trying to sound upbeat. I didn't look up. I had heard the same thing every Friday morning.
"Aren't you excited?" Sofia's speech was the same every week as well. I nodded, focusing on the shade of red to color the rose in the picture. When I finished coloring, I looked up.
"Sofia, mommy and daddy don't love me, do they?" I asked. Sofia looked taken back, then walked over to my window to adjust the curtains. "Sofia, it's wrong to lie." I sometimes scared my nannys with how mature I was. Sofia turned around.
"My dear, it is not that they don't love you..." She trailed off. "Mommy and daddy are very busy people." I nodded and looked back down at my crayons.
"Mommy and daddy don't love me." I whispered, turning to a new picture. Sofia didn't deny, she just sighed and kissed my cheek.
"I'll always love you."
Jack looked at me, confused. I looked down at my hands, picking at a hangnail. Jack was quiet for a moment.
"So mommy and daddy didn't love you?" He tried to make a joke of it, but I glared at him.
"Quit being an asshole." Jack raised his hands in the air as if surrendering.
"I'm sorry. Continue."
My mother was out of town for the weekend, but my father had a business meeting the next day. I was ten and my nanny had a night off. I was reading in my room. I had heard my father come home, but I didn't leave my room. It was past my bedtime, but I couldn't sleep. I curled up under my blankets and continued reading by my flashlight.
As I was starting to drift off, I heard a scream come from down the hallway. I bolted out of bed and towards the end of the hallway. I heard thumping around in my fathers room. I quietly pushed open the door, peering in.
It was dark, but I heard heavy breathing and groans coming from around the corner. I walked quietly in and peered around the frame of the doorway.
"Oh...right there..." A rough whisper hissed from the bed. My eyes adjusted to see someone kneeling on the bed. "Oh...mmm." My breath caught in my throat and I screamed. Two figures bolted up.
"GET OUT!" My father's voice bellowed. I ran out of the room, my heart racing. I slammed my door behind me and locked it, my breathing shallow. I sank to the floor, my back against the door and buried my face in my knees.
I felt like throwing up. Jack rubbed big circles on my back as I tried to pull myself together. I bit my lip, my chest aching from lack of crying.
"You walked in on your father?" Jack raised an eyebrow. I nodded and looked at him.
"It was the fact he forgot I was there. He forgot I existed." I said quietly. "That was the only thing my father said to me, as well. Get out..." I sighed. Jack nodded slowly.
"I'm sorry."
"That's not even the worst of it."
"CHARLOTTE! Get down here this minute!" My mother called up the stairs. I looked up from my metaphysics textbook and sighed. There was only one reason why my mother would speak to me. She had just fired my 4th nanny, I was 12. I set my book aside and stood at the top of the stairs.
"Yes, mother?" I put on my best fake smile and walked slowly down the stairs. She looked at her watch.
"Let's go, I haven't got all day!" My mother crossed her arms. I hurried my pace and skipped the last stair. "That's better." I gave her another smile, but bit the inside of my cheek.
"What is it you want, mother?" I asked politely. My mother took hold of my wrist and dragged me into the living room.
"Sit." She pointed at the couch. I sat down and smiled up at her. "Quit smiling, it's sickening. I have to go into work and then I have a colleague coming over. I want this house spotless. Get to work." She turned on her heels and walked out the door, leaving me sitting there.
When my mother returned home from work, I was finishing wiping off the last window. I smiled, proud at my mother. She ran her finger along the table and scoffed.
"This is horrible. Why are you so useless?" she slowly walked over to me, her arms crossed tight across get chest.
"Do it again." She hissed before the familiar sting of the back of her hand returned to my cheek.
"She hit you?" Jack whispered. I nodded. He sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "Come here." He whisperer, opening his arms. I bit my lip, hesitating. Jack looked at me, a comforting smile on his face. I leaned into him, burying my face in his shoulder. Jack stroked my hair and for the first time in my life, I broke down into tears in front of someone.
"Charlotte?" Jack whispered after I had calmed down. "Are you going to tell me why you left?" I looked up, my eyes blurry from tears. I snuggled and nodded.
"Ianto started talking about marriage. I needed to get away." I whispered with a raw voice. Jack raised an eyebrow.
"Why is that a bad thing?" He didn't even crack a smile. I bit the inside of my cheek.
"I hate marriage." I clenched my jaw. Jack nodded, waiting for a further explanation. "I don't want to get married...ever..." I trailed off.
"Yes?" I took a deep breath.
"Ever again." I whispered.
"Again?" Jack sounded more concerned then surprised.
"Yes...again. I got married 6 years ago." Jacks eyes bugged out of his head. I gnawed at my lip, staring at the floor. "I divorced him two years later." I whispered.
"Was it really that horrible?" Jack asked. I looked up at him, my eyes tearing up from the memory.
"His name was Justin Cain. He was 12 years older then me...I was 20 and naive and he said he would take care of me." I bit my lip hard. "That's a lie."
"Baby, I'm home!" Justin's voice echoed down the hallway. I was sitting in the kitchen, putting dinner on the table. My hands were shaking. "Dinner's on the table! Good girl." He kissed me and slapped my ass before sitting down. I swallowed hard and sat down across from him. He dug into his food, but I didn't eat a scrap. I felt sick to the stomach.
"Um...Justin?" I swallowed. "Honey?" The word taste like vomit on my tongue. Justin looked up from his newspaper as we laid in bed. "It's...about the baby." I bit the inside of my cheek hard. Two days earlier, I had a little growing thing in my stomach. Today...I had nothing except a bruise from Justin's fist.
"What about it?" He didn't even look up, completely unaware of what he had done the day before. Drugs and alcohol mixed do that to people.
"Um..." I fought to get the words out. "I...I had a miscarriage." My voice shook slightly on the last word. "I heard they can be fairly common..." Justin looked up, his forehead winkled into thought.
"Darling, why didn't you tell me?" He smiled. I bit my lip, recognizing the foggy look in his eye. He got it when he had a few to many drinks. I shrugged. "Well, we can try again, right?" I bit my lip and nodded slowly. "Well, why are we wasting our time?" I froze.
"Justin, honey...please...can we not?" I kept my honey-sweet smile on my face. Justin shook his head.
"Aww, baby, don't be like that. Haven't you always wanted to be a mommy?" He set his newspaper down and began inching towards me.
"Please...It's...not healthy for me..." I shyed away from his hand as he stroked my arm. "Another night?" I began to get up, but Justin grabbed my wrist tightly and pulled me back down.
"Tonight is as good as any." He whispered into my ear. I suppressed a shiver and stayed still. "Come on, baby..."
"No..." My voice shook slightly again. Justin yanked me backwards and held my arm to my side.
"I believe I have final say as I do pay for the food you eat and the roof above your head." He narrowed his eyes. I stared at him, my insides screaming for him to let go. I didn't break eye contact as his eyes drew closer. My body tensed and I closed my eyes tightly, stifling the scream for help on the tip of my tongue.
"No..." was all I got out before everything went black and the room turned ice cold.
Jack stared at me, his eyes wider then before. I didn't speak, I just let the story hang. Jack pulled me into a hug and held me there. I let my arms hang by my sides before weakly wrapping them around him and crying again.
"He..." Jack couldn't even finish the sentence. I nodded, biting my lip hard. "What...happened to him after that?" I stared at the floor for a moment.
"He got arrested for killing someone in a drunk driving accident. He was under the influence of cocaine as well. The day he got locked away was the day I filed for divorce." I whispered. "Jack?" My voice was stronger now.
"Yeah?" He gave a weak smile to comfort me.
"Can I go home?" I looked up at him, still blurry from all my tears. Jack nodded.
"Of course, I'll drive you." He stood up and wrapped his coat around my bare shoulders.
"And...don't tell anyone. I'll tell them when I'm ready." I pulled the coat tight around me. Jack nodded again.
"Of course."