DISCLAIMER: The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

Could Have Been Colder

Chapter Six

There are those moments when you realize that you have to put the hurt and the pain that one has made you feel aside. That you must move forward and can't go back. And if, only if moving forward means it has to be with the person that as hurt you, then you have to make the ultimate sacrifice and forgive. Olivia sat in her car parked once again in the hospital parking garage. She made her decision. She knew the hurt that Alex had forced upon her was not unrecoverable. Not being with Alex, not trying not helping right now would hurt the more. She was ready. Ready for anything that beautiful woman had to hand her. Even if the words and actions stung beyond knowledge, it was worth the chance to help her survive. It would mean surviving herself.

She opened the car door and stepped out into the cold wind that whipped through the garage. It felt like having the cold arms of the last six months wrap around her. She walked with purpose into the hospital emergency room. Retracing her steps from earlier before. It was late. Visiting hours were over. But she had a badge. She didn't often use it for personnel use, but was this technically personnel? She was visiting after all an ADA. Alex was also a witness in a crime she was investigating. Truthfully, Olivia didn't need an excuse for herself. She reached the stairwell and took the stairs two at a time. Reaching the third floor, she hesitated for a moment before she pulled open the door. The floor was much quieter then the chaotic emergency room. It took Olivia a second to gain her bearings. She scanned the floor and found Dr. Poole standing at the nurse's station.

"Dr. Poole." She said with some hesitation. Dr Poole did not stop writing in the chart. She held up one finger on her free hand. When she was done, she closed the chart, placed it back with the rest of the binders. She turned.

"What can I do for you Ms. Benson?" Dr. Poole sized up the woman before her. It was obvious the detective was nervous. She wanted to put her at ease. She saw that the doctors' dictation office was empty and motioned for them to enter.

"Thank you." Olivia said moving into the small space and taking the chair facing the small window.

"Before you ask," Dr. Poole began has she took her seat. "I cannot tell you anything about what we did to Ms Cabot or what we will do. I can only speak in hypathecially. "

"I understand. So I will ask my questions like I normally have to." Olivia took a moment to form her question correctly to get the answers she wanted. "Doctor, if a woman were to have a double mastectomy, what happens during the surgery?"

"Well that depends. If she is planning on have reconstructive surgery, the removal would take place by a doctor such as myself. I would remove all of the breast tissue and it is possible the some chest muscles are removed." The doctor paused to make sure Olivia was grasping what she was saying and about to tell her. "In some cases though I do not have to remove muscle. The tumor is sent out for biopsy. Then if reconstruction is to happen, a well qualified plastic surgeon comes in and takes over."

"Will the breast look normal at that time?" Olivia asked.

"Yes and no. It depends on if the nipple area is saved. If it is not then in a later procedure the nipple will be tattooed on the patient."

"Tattooed? That can't be a natural look." Olivia said in a bit of disbelief.

"We it's not as if the local tattoo artist comes into the OR and breaks out his tattoo needles." Dr. Poole chuckled. "Again it is done by a plastic surgeon who's well qualified in breast reconstruction."

"How long does all of this take?" Olivia asked.

"It depends on the patient and the cancer." Dr. Poole replied. She paused once again. She knew that if Alex was going to make it she would need a lot of support. Olivia was going to play a big part in it. "Although it's not a scientific fact, your mind and its ability to control your emotions and how those emotions assist in the body healing. I have had some patients that were in dire straits after surgery. There was less than a 30% chance they would make it. Once they found that one thing that was a motivation to survive, their health improved and the cancer was gone."

"I have seen that with some of the victims that I deal with. They feel life is hopeless after their rape and they give up on life. They never pull out of the 'rape moment'. Some can never leave their houses." Olivia remembered quite a few of the victims that she helped through that step and how Alex had helped her after a few bad cases. "So now doctor, what can I do?" the fear and desperation returned to her voice.

"Well, during the surgery the doctor inserts drain tubes in the breast area. It helps with fluid buildup. When patients are discharged, they are still in place. Patients already feel half when they leave and when the tubes now have to be taken care of by a loved one, it's just one more shot to the self ego so to speak."

"Yes, and for someone who prides themselves on being independent its worse."

"So there are exercises and pain medication regimens that the patient must also keep on top of. As well as making sure infection does not set in." Dr. Poole looked directly at Olivia. "It will take a committed person to help the patient through this process and it's only the beginning. There is the possibility of chemo and then several reconstruction surgeries. Again they each have their draw backs and their positives. It is a drain to the patient and the caregiver."

"Thank you, doctor. Good to know all of this." Olivia stood up and extended her hand. Dr. Poole stood to shake her hand.

"Any time detective." The doctor held her hand for just a moment more. "Some patients are a bit bull headed and make decisions they really don't mean to make."

"I'll keep that in mind doctor. Good night." Olivia walked out of the room. She turned left and went towards Alex's room. The door was slightly opened and she placed her hand on it to get a better view of the room. Alex was asleep. Her father was asleep in the fold out chair. Her mother was nowhere in the room. Alex looked so peaceful. Olivia noticed that she no longer had the breathing tube. Alex smiled in her sleep. It made Olivia smile.

"She's beautiful isn't she?"

Olivia didn't take her eyes off Alex. She knew the voice behind her. "Yes. And…"

"You love her and want to help." Christina said. She touched Olivia tenderly on the arm. "She loves you, Olivia. She just didn't want to burden you with all of this."

"She should have known I would be here. I should have done a better job of her trusting me." Olivia turned and looked at Christina.

"Are you up for some tea?" Christina wanted to talk further with the detective. She wanted to reassure her that Alex really did need her.

"Sounds good." Olivia gave one last look into the room before returning the door to its original spot.

They settled into a small waiting room just off the nurses' station. There was a hot water and coffee machine and a small selection of tea. Christina chose a vanilla chai and Olivia a mango green tea.

"We missed you at Christmas." Christina said. "Despite what you may think or were led to believe, Evan and I were quite happy that Alex had found someone."

"But it being a woman was not exactly what you expected." Olivia added wrapping her hands around the warm paper cup.

"On the contrary. We have always known that Alex was gay." Christina smiled. "Well we learned she was when she was in junior high. She would talk nonstop about Teddy. Teddy this and Teddy that. We naturally thought Teddy was short for Theodore. And it wasn't."

"Theodora Westin!" Olivia chimed in.

"Yes. I caught them kissing in the garden. Of course I was shocked, but it was not something I could change, so it is what it is. Alex is her own person and my daughter and I love her."

"She is that. Her own person." Olivia sat silent for a moment. Christina sipped her tea slowly. She used the time to get a closer look at the woman her daughter loved more than any other. "I asked her to marry me."

"Really! What did she say?" Christina was a little excited.

"She broke up with me. She said that this was the best it would be and wanted us to end before it got worse." Olivia held the cup in shaky hands up to her lips. She carefully took a sip of the warm liquid.

"When was that if I may ask?" Christina kept her eyes locked on the detective.

"July 26 at 8:43 pm." Olivia said. She fought to hold back the emotions. "I remember because my heart broke. I felt numb and I went home and slept for two days." Tears began to fall. "I didn't want to me awake if it meant Alex was not going to be there."

"Christina reached out and put her arms around the younger woman. "She found the on July 15 about the lump. She had the biopsy the next day. And the afternoon of July 25th she got the news."

"And the next day she kicked me out of her life. Why just tell me why?" Olivia could no longer control her tears. She buried her head in Christina's shoulder. She smelled just like Alex. It brought comfort.

"She loves you. That's her only defense." Christina rubbed Olivia's back trying to calm her. She decided then and there that Alex was wrong and she was going to tell her cancer or not.

For those that know, I have told only part of what happens to the patients. But the emotional part is the hardest. Enjoy and thank you all for your kind words.