A/N: Another huge thanks for all the reviews/reads/favourites/alerts :D especially for the last chapter, I had such an incredible response and it really makes my day! Hope you enjoy this next one, its officially the longest chapter I have ever written! Over 3000 words :O I remember back in the day of good old 'Body Swap' my chapters used to be between 800-1000 words lol! :D heehee love Roxannaaaax
"No offence, Guv, but that was a really bastard thing for you ter do."
"OI! Remind yerself of who you're talking to, Detective Inspector."
"Yeah, my Guv. But we ain't in the office right now so you shouldn't deal with Drake like you do any other victim. I thought she meant somethin' to yer. Maybe I was wrong."
Gene slammed his drink down on the bar, staring at Ray in astonishment. Ray looked back at him, taking a long swig of his beer.
"Since when did you get so into feelings?" Gene spat moodily.
"Since I realised we 'ave ter be there for each other when things get tough," Ray answered, "we're a team, Guv. Drake too. I can't believe you walked out on 'er after what happened. I mean, I always thought you were a shag 'em and leave 'em type of bloke –"
"You watch your mouth."
"…But things 'ave lasted a lot longer with Drake. Don't agree with it me self…yeah, she's hot and everythin' but for the rest of us its like watching yer parents! I'm just saying Guv, that walking out on Drake when she's having breakdowns is probably the worst thing you could do to 'er at the moment."
"That's the point though!" Gene growled angrily as Ray subtly tried to take his drink away from him. "You lot don't 'ave ter deal with Bolly after work! You endure a few panic attacks a day, a few terrorised moments from her…but then you leave it all behind. It follows me everywhere."
Ray sighed, trying to get through to his Guv without sounding like a poofter. "I know I'm not the best person ter talk, but I thought that's what – well – relationships were all about, Guv? Drake clearly isn't a one night stand to you, so shouldn't you be standing by her no matter what?"
Gene glared at Ray. He knew his male DI was right, but he'd just snapped. It was so hard, trying to make everything okay for Alex and then dealing with her unexpected outbursts of fear. So Gene had done what he always did – turned his back on an emotionally challenging situation until he could clear his head, not thinking about whom he could be hurting. And this time it was Alex. His precious Alex. Alex needed him more than ever right now to make her feel safe, and he'd just abandoned her.
"Why don't…why don't yer drive back to her flat? She needs yer," Ray urged Gene. Gene pouted stubbornly.
"No," he muttered, "I'm going 'ome. I'm gettin' some much needed kip without that woman waking me up with her screaming every bloody night –"
"Guv, she was sexually assaulted! She has a bloody reason –"
"I need space. Away from you lot, away from her, away from it all. I'm going 'ome, Ray. See yer in the station tomorrow. Maybe."
"Guv!" Ray burst out. "Guv…are you leaving Alex? For good?"
Gene sighed. "No. Of course I'm not. She means a hell of a lot ter me, Raymondo. I just…need some time alone. To think."
Ray nodded. It had been hard enough learning that his DCI was seeing DI Drake, but it would have been even harder to know that he'd dumped her in her most vulnerable state.
"Do yer…do yer want me to go over and make sure she's okay, Guv?" Ray offered, secretly hoping that Gene would say no as a crying woman was never his forte.
Gene smiled weakly. "It's all right, Raymondo. If I'm honest…I think something like this is just what Bolly needs. She needs ter get the fight back in 'er. A night on her own…well, she'll prove to herself that she can fight this trauma. She's braver than she thinks."
Ray murmured in agreement. Or it could traumatise her further, he thought to himself.
"Night then, Guv," Ray nodded, watching his DCI leave the bar and get into the Quattro. Ray collected his jacket and made his way into the midnight street. He really hoped the Guv knew what he was doing. As Ray walked home, he passed Luigi's and saw no lights on in Alex's flat. Swallowing, Ray hoped this meant Alex had found the courage to go to bed and beat her trauma. Turning the corner, he knew he would have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out.
Up in the flat, Alex was currently enduring the battle. She was lying in bed, eyes wide open in fear, clutching her duvet right up to her neck and her heart pounding furiously. Tears stained her cheeks but she didn't bother to wipe them away. Swallowing awkwardly, Alex tried to calm her racing pulse.
"Okay," Alex croaked in the silence, "think about this, Alex. You're safe. Your door is locked. You're in your own bed. They're locked up. Nothing can get you."
Every noise seemed to magnify as the seconds ticked by slowly. Alex's heart ached when she thought of Gene, but she had to push him out of her mind. She had to get through this night.
"Screw Gene," Alex muttered, "screw him. Bastard."
Alex turned over grumpily, lips tightening as she thought about the hurt she felt due to Gene. The anger she felt towards him.
I'm not going to let Gene get the better of me, Alex thought determinedly, I'm not going to let him think he's won. That I'm weak. I'm not. I'm not.
Alex turned back onto her back, facing the ceiling sternly. Thoughts buzzed around her head.
I'm not going to let those thugs win either, Alex decided in her mind, fiddling with the duvet nervously, why should they control my life? I'm not losing another moment's sleep over them. They can stuff it. I'll show them. I'll show Gene. I can beat this. I am in control!
Determinedly, Alex closed her eyes, her heart pounding. They snapped open about five seconds later, her breathing becoming erratic. Alex took a deep breath, convincing herself that it would be all right, that someone wasn't going to burst in and hurt her the moment she closed her eyes.
Clutching her bed sheets, Alex managed just over twenty seconds with her eyes closed before they burst open again. Realising that nothing had changed, Alex trusted herself to try and fall asleep. Each time she opened her eyes, more time had passed and her body felt more tired. Finally, her heart rate lowered back to normal and her breathing steadied. Relaxing into her bed, Alex finally managed to drift into sleep, closing off from the rest of the world out there. And that night was the first night she didn't awake from a horrific flashback. Alex slipped into a dreamless sleep, her heart at ease.
-xx-
Alex couldn't believe that she had overcome one of her fears when she woke up that next morning, and it made her even more determined to challenge the others. Her heart felt broken when she remembered her argument with Gene, but Alex knew she had to be strong. Maybe if she was strong, maybe, just maybe, Gene would come back to her.
Alex happily attended her appointment with her therapist at nine o'clock accompanied by Shaz and proudly told her about the small progress. Shaz took Alex back to CID at about half ten, smiling at the self-belief now coming back to her senior officer.
Alex didn't know if she was relieved or disappointed to find out that Gene had not come into the office today. Ray had been left in charge and gave Alex a reassuring smile when she caught his eye.
"You okay, Alex?" he asked her tentatively.
Alex nodded. "Where's Ge – the Guv?" she corrected herself. "Not like him not to be in."
Ray shrugged. "Called me ter say he wasn't coming in today. Stuff ter sort out. You, er…you're okay, yeah?"
Alex smiled. "Better, thanks Ray. Coping. I suppose Gene told you what happened last night."
Ray nodded sadly. "Yeah. To be honest, Alex, I thought he was a complete bastard ter do that to yer. I mean…it's not your fault. You're doing really well."
"Thanks, Ray," Alex said softly, trying to stop the tears welling up when she thought of Gene.
"But I'll tell yer one thing," Ray continued, "he told me that he's not leaving yer, and that he cares a hell of a lot for yer. He just needs to clear his head."
Tears flooded down Alex's cheeks then; tears of relief as her heart leapt. She placed her head in her hands. It was just Gene being Gene, the impatient man that she loved. She just hoped Ray's words were right.
"Shit, Alex! It's okay! Chris! Put 'er music on…deep breaths, Alex…" Ray panicked, rushing round to her side and rubbing her arms soothingly. He frowned when Alex burst out laughing, the most genuine smile he had seen on her face for a good couple of weeks.
"Oh Ray," Alex laughed, wiping her tears as Chris froze on the spot, unsure whether he needed to put the music on or not, "I'm fine! I'm just happy about what you said about Gene. I really thought he'd left me. Oh Ray, you big softie."
"Less o' that, Drake," he smirked, nudging her affectionately, "got ter look out for each other on this team. Guv would have me knackers in a vice if he thought I'd upset you."
"That he would," Alex chuckled, skimming over some papers. Ray returned to his desk, satisfied that Alex was okay, but he need not have bothered sitting down. Viv burst through the doors, turning to Ray.
"The Guv still not here?" Viv asked. Ray shook his head as the other detectives looked up.
"Nope. What's up?"
"Woman's just come in," Viv began, his eyes darting nervously towards Alex, "wants to report…an act of burglary and attempted rape."
Alex froze. Her chest tightened and he was inside her mind again, looming over her, stripping her body of clothes, violating her womanhood with his hands…
"Ma'am, deep breaths," Shaz instructed her as she noticed the Inspector freeze, "feet on the ground, that's it. Now, where are you?"
"CID," Alex mumbled, her eyes tightly shut as she squeezed Shaz's hand shakily.
"Good, excellent. They're not here, are they Ma'am? Are they, Alex?"
"No," Alex shook her head, slowly opening her eyes and swallowing nervously.
"Tell me who's in the room," Shaz said firmly, keeping to the therapist's instructions.
"Me, you…Viv is by the door. Ray's standing up. Chris is at his desk. Terry, Bammo and Poirot are filing reports. Gene's not here," Alex listed, her heart rate calming.
"Good," Shaz smiled encouragingly at her, "you okay? You did brilliantly, Ma'am. Everything fine?"
"Everything's fine," Alex nodded quietly with a small smile, "thanks, Shaz."
"No problem, Ma'am," Shaz grinned at her, returning to her desk.
Viv took a breath and then turned back to Ray, worried about upsetting Alex again. "I've put her in Interview Room Three," the Desk Sergeant continued, "perhaps you and Chris could go and see what she has to say? Or maybe take WPC Granger…she might prefer a woman to be present…"
"I'll go," Alex piped up. Ray and Viv stared at her.
"Drake, that might not be wise," Ray said carefully, "yer don't…yer don't want to upset yerself. Nor her."
"I'm the only one who can relate to this," Alex said firmly, standing up, "I'm the only one who will know how she's feeling, who won't judge her and who could help her in the right direction. Besides…I have to do this. For myself. Please?"
Viv shrugged. "Your choice, DI Drake," he sighed, opening the door to leave, "I don't have authority over you."
As Viv left, Alex looked at Ray, her eyes pleading. Ray breathed heavily.
"All right, you," he smiled at her, "but you 'ave one o' your funny turns and Shaz is straight in there, yeah?"
"Yep," Alex nodded, leaving the room with Ray, "who'd have thought you'd be giving me orders one day, Ray?"
Ray winked as they walked to Interview Room Three. "We're the same rank now, Alex. We're equal. Well, apart from the fact I'm naturally superior, but we'll ignore that."
Alex elbowed him playfully, but then her heart hammered as they approached the door. The woman inside wasn't going to be the only one reliving her tale of horror in the minutes to come.
The woman's story was just how Alex expected when the terms 'burglary' and 'attempted rape' were put together. Casey Stewart, a dark-haired, pretty girl of about twenty-four lived on her own in a London flat when it was broken into by three men. Taking the things they wanted, they then tried to force Casey into having sex with them before she kicked them all in the balls and ran like hell. Too scared to go home, she had stayed the night at a friend's and then had plucked up the courage to come to the police.
"It's probably my fault," Casey stuttered sadly, "I'd been on a night out. I was dressed real tarty, ya know? Looked like a proper slapper. They probably followed me home, thought I was up for it."
"No," Alex said firmly, leaning forwards to look Casey in the eye, "you mustn't blame yourself, Casey. You're the victim in this situation. It was nothing to do with the way you looked or the way you dressed. Those men were just bastards who probably couldn't hold onto a girl. You mustn't let them chip away at your self-worth or self-belief. Find Anne Hawkins, she's the best therapist in this part of London. Explain to her what happened but don't let this beat you. You're stronger than that, Casey. You're stronger then them. If you scratch yourself or allow your sleep to be taken from you because of nightmares of them, then that's letting them win. Allowing them to invade your mind and cause anxiety attacks is just another sign of them beating you. Don't let them, Casey. You're worth so much more, and no-one, no-one should ever make you feel otherwise. People like those blokes are just bastards. Bastards. Good for nothing scum of the scum. You're worth something, Casey. You can beat this. You can win."
Ray stared at Alex with pure admiration in his eyes. Alex sat back, clearly overwhelmed with what she had just said. It applied to her too. She was worth so much more than those bastards who attacked her. As was Casey. As was any woman who had been through this.
Casey stared at Alex as well, and eventually her face split into a huge smile. "You ever thought of being a counsellor?" Casey chuckled lightly, wiping her eyes.
"She's too good as a police officer, love," Ray cut in, earning a thankful smile from Alex.
"Anne Hawkins you said?" Casey checked. "I will do. Thanks, DI Drake. You've been a real help. I can walk out of here believing I'm worth something again now. I won't let them win. I won't."
"That's the spirit," Alex encouraged her softly. Leading Casey out, the young girl turned to the two DIs.
"You will find them, won't ya?" Casey begged. "My descriptions were clear enough?"
"We'll do our best with the information we have," Ray assured her, "good luck, love."
"Thanks," Casey said with a smile, leaving the police station more confidently than when she arrived.
Alex took a deep breath and turned to Ray, who had a big beaming smile on his face.
"What?" Alex chuckled.
"How the hell did the Guv get you?" Ray said in awe. "He's one lucky bastard!"
Alex burst out laughing, touched by Ray's affection. "You know what, I suppose he is. And you know why? Because I'm still worth something, Ray. I'm still worth something."
-xx-
Alex jumped when there was a huge knock on the door that night. Her heart pounded as she pulled her black silk nightdress further down to cover more of her thighs. She grabbed her red dressing gown, wrapped it round herself and then made her way to the door. Looking through the peephole, her heart soared when she saw who it was.
Unlocking the door, Alex opened it wide to take in the sight of the man standing opposite her.
"Bolls," Gene said weakly, "can I…come in?"
There was silence as Gene shut the door behind him, the two of them walking through to the living room. Alex stared awkwardly at Gene, resisting the urge to slap him or kiss him.
"Bolls," Gene croaked, "I'm…I'm sorry. I'm a bloody bastard. I should never have done what I did last night, and I'm making a complete poof of myself because…well…you mean the ruddy world ter me, sweetheart. Everything. Ray told me what happened at the station and I am so, so incredibly proud of you. You're amazing, Alex, and I forgot that. Alex? Say something…"
Alex remained quiet.
"Well, if yer don't feel the same anymore then stuff it," Gene muttered awkwardly, "I'll…I'll just go, only wanted ter say hi anyway…say good work, y'know –"
Whatever Gene was going to say, Alex never found out. And that was because of the simple reason that she had leapt forwards and claimed his lips with her own, kissing him as passionately as she would if she had not seen him for twenty years. Her tongue intertwining with his and her hands interlocked with his hair, Gene kissed her back lovingly as he groped her arse, his heart leaping when she did not pull away.
"Love you, Alex," Gene murmured between kisses, "love you."
"Love you too, Gene," Alex breathed, relaxing in his intimate touch, "I've missed you. I've missed you so much. But I did it, Gene, I did…I beat him. I got to sleep, I didn't have nightmares…"
"That's brilliant, love," Gene smiled at her, kissing her neck, "but you don't have to do it alone again, Alex. I'm here. I'm always here. Was a stupid bastard. Never goin' ter forget what you mean to me…never again…"
Alex relaxed into his bear hug, savouring the feel of his embrace. "Thank you, Gene," she sighed in content, "I love you."
Gene kissed the top of her head. "Always goin' ter be here for you, Bollykecks. Always."