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Words cut deeper
They made their way across the compound in silence. Even Zack had yet to make a sound, which disturbed Angeal more than he cared to admit. The commander glanced over at the soldier and noted the way Zack continued to glance nervously at the cadet. He shook his head as the blonde continued to ignore them both, his eyes fixed on the floor and his body rigid as it moved along the path.
"Have you had much experience using a sword" the commander asked, needing the strained silence to end.
His efforts to lighten the mood were dampened as Cloud simply nodded a reply to indicate that he had. Angeal's mind raced looking for another avenue to begin a conversation, Zack's silence still unsettling him. He was normally happy to enjoy the quiet, while the soldier would usually ramble endlessly, but for some reason this quiet was unnatural and it made him feel uneasy.
"Have you mastered the basic of stance and grip?"
Again Cloud nodded.
"How many lessons have you had?"
Cloud remained silent, unsure how to answer without actually speaking to the commander. It was Zack who stepped in and finally spoke.
"This will be our fifth session with the sword."
"I assume you studied basic hand to hand combat before that?"
Both soldier and cadet nodded silently in response and Angeal felt his fists tighten, the desire to smack their heads together growing stronger within him. He drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, as he unclenched his hands.
The journey continued in silence and the commander couldn't help but notice the looks they received from the people who passed by. He was beginning to wonder just how bad they looked with all three of them dressed in full uniform attire and carrying swords. It knew it was unusual to have two soldiers accompanying a cadet through the compound and was fully aware of the rumours about the blonde, even if the cadet and Zack weren't. They reached the gym without interruption and quickly went inside.
The silence was even worse as the door closed behind them shutting out the normal sounds of everyday life and leaving them in a strange void of nothingness. Angeal went to speak, but Cloud was already moving across the room to the mats, his sword now gripped tightly in his hand as he began to move it in a series of warm up stretches. The commander watched as the cadet formed graceful arches with the blade, the swing of the metal being precise and controlled rather well for a fifth lesson.
"He has talent" Angeal noted airing his opinion to Zack.
"Yea, he does" Zack sighed smiling at the blonde across the room.
"You have taught him well."
"Thanks, but it's mostly him. Kid works to damn hard sometimes."
Angel noted the worried tone and raised an eyebrow at the soldier showing his need to know more.
"I get it now, why he achieves so much" Zack admitted in a hushed tone "He studies and trains to escape everything else. It makes him a great soldier candidate, but a really lonely person."
Angeal's heart skipped a beat as the words sunk in. He knew now why the boy's eyes had affected him that time in Zack's apartment. They were the eyes of a friend from his own adolescence, a friend who had grown up to be a great, but very lonely, man.
Angeal looked over at the blonde and for the briefest of moments he saw Sephiroth as a teenager. The way the cadets body moved completely focused on the task, his expression closed off from anything else. The commander's grip tightened on his sword and he felt anger burn within him. He would be damned if he was going to let another person suffer that fate, and he would do anything to protect Zack from feeling what he himself felt every time he looked at the general.
"We should begin" he informed the soldier sternly before moving towards the cadet.
Zack blinked several times confused by what had just happened. He could have sworn that for the briefest of moments his old mentor had looked haunted by the sight of the cadet, but now the man's serious look was just unnerving.
"Angeal?" Zack asked hesitantly as he hurried to catch up.
Cloud didn't know what hit him as a blur of movement caught his vision and he barely had time to register the flash of silver as a sword swung down towards him. The cadet brought his own blade up quickly to meet the descending attack and metal clanged loudly in the room as swords connected.
Angeal saw the flicker of emotion within the cadet's eyes, even if was only for a second, and he inwardly cheered. If the blonde would not open up freely then he would push until the boy cracked.
"Good defence" he complemented, before bringing the sword round again.
Cloud dodged the attack and brought his sword down to deflect the returning blow aimed at his chest. He grunted at the impact and pushed back against the force. Anger began to boil within him and he used that rage to fuel his movements. No longer caring who was attacking him, Cloud swung his own blade round aiming for the commander's head and growled when the blow was easily avoided. Their battle ensued with Angeal holding the cadet at bay easily, and Cloud throwing everything he had at the man. Zack watched helplessly as the pair moved through the room, his loyalties torn between defending Cloud and trusting Angeal's abilities.
The decision was reached for him when an exhausted Cloud fell and Angeal's sword began a long arc which would clever the cadet in two. Zack had his sword draw and was in front of the descending blade in a second. He braced for the impact and absorbed some of the force, his knees bending, as metal crashed together between them.
Time stopped as Zack and Angeal faced each other. The questions poured wordlessly from the soldier's eyes and the commander silently reassured that this was necessary. Zack opened his mouth to ask why, when Cloud spoke angrily from the floor behind him.
"I could have handled it."
"You were down" the soldier informed him sternly without letting up his stance.
"I don't need your help."
"Really?" Now Zack was mad. He let his sword drop and turned to glare at the cadet "and how did you reach that decision?"
"I've survived this far by myself, I can manage fine without you" Cloud informed him coldly.
"Without me you'd be dead" Zack hissed through gritted teeth.
Cloud went to speak, stopped as if unsure of the words, and then tried again. He growled in frustration clenching his fists when still nothing came.
"Why do you close yourself off from the world?" Angeal asked ignoring the steadily building tension.
"I don't and it's none of your business" Cloud responded bluntly.
"Yes you do, and don't you dare talk to him like that" Zack yelled at the cadet making the blonde visibly jump.
Cloud's eyes blinked rapidly as he fought the change in emotions within him. He had been hurt and then angry, so very angry at them both, but now he was scared and unsure. Zack had never been like this before, well not that he had seen, and never at him. Cloud began to wonder if he had gone too far this time, but maybe he needed to do this, maybe it was better if Zack hated him.
"I'll talk to him however I want to" the cadet growled back evenly, a decision being reached in his mind. If he was going to hell, then he would go down in a ball of fire.
"Why you ..."
Zack shot forward and the next thing Cloud knew he was airborne, his body flipping over several times as pain burned through his chest. He hit the ground and rolled a short distance before coming to a complete stop. He gasped for breath as hands suddenly grabbed his shirt and wrenched him round to face someone. His heart shattered as Zack's enraged and pain filled eyes bore into his own and knew this was how it had to be. Accepting what was to come Cloud quickly closed himself off again.
Zack was breathing hard, could feel his heart pounding in his chest, could feel every part of his body wanting to rip something apart. Cloud had no right to speak to Angeal in that way and it tore at him to think that the cadet had no respect for either of them. Then he saw into the Cloud's eyes for a second, before they went empty. Realisation of what he had done hit Zack like a slap on the face and he dropped the blonde back on the floor, before throwing himself away.
Cloud watched as Zack's face became panicked, as the soldier retreated as quickly as he could and stood shaking a short distance away, their eyes never leaving each others. Zack's pain was so clearly shown, while Cloud let the emptiness continue to be seen as the wall grew stronger.
Angeal looked from the soldier to the cadet and back again and knew this had gone badly. Zack was a mess, his emotions driving him to a terrifying conclusion, while the cadet looked almost lifeless as he lay on the hard surface at their feet.
"Do you really believe that hurting Zack will make things easier for you?"
Cloud's eyes flicked to him now and Angeal shuddered slightly at the cold depths that those blue orbs held. They were too much like Sephiroth's and he silently hoped they weren't already too late.
"He will not leave you, if that is your intention" the commander informed the cadet evenly "You will only cause him pain, but he will never abandon you."
The cadet blinked at him, the face still unreadable as he spoke.
"Why?"
"Zack is a loyal and devoted friend, he does not give up on anyone, whatever heartache it might cause him."
Angeal stopped now to look towards the soldier, relieved to see that the fear and anger was fading from Zack's face, but wounded by the pleading look for him to stop. He knew how Zack felt for the cadet, had known for a while, and been proud of the soldier for putting his duty before his own desires. But not anymore.
"I'm sorry puppy" he tried, hoping to give some comfort before the final hurt could be unleashed.
The commander's eyes came round to meet the cadets once more and focused every part of himself into his next words.
"He will also never let go of someone he loves dearly."
Cloud felt the world around him fall away as his heart beat desperately in his chest, felt the air cease to enter his body as his lungs forgot how to breathe, and felt Angeal's words hang dangerously in the air above him. He looked away from them both, tried to hold his wall in place as it began to crumble. Oh Gaia Zack loved him, really and truly loved him. He screwed his eyes shut tight as the wall gave way, as the sea of emotions came crashing down around him and Angeal's words fell like shards of broken glass on his heart.
"It's bet ... it's better if .." Cloud could feel himself choking on the words, his heart screaming not to say them. "Just let me go" he managed his voice strained.
"I can't" Zack replied his voice also cracking.
"Please" Cloud whispered.
"Then tell me you don't feel the same, tell me you don't love me the way I love you."
Cloud choked, the very air around him his enemy, as he struggled to breathe through it all. That was it, his way out, all he had to do was say those horrible words and Zack would be gone and he could go back to being alone. He wouldn't hurt the person he loved anymore and he would be safe within himself again. Zack could find someone who was better for him and Cloud could rebuild himself stronger than before. He wouldn't be weak like this anymore, wouldn't fall apart in front of them, wouldn't end up crying all the time and holding onto someone like a helpless child.
"I ..." he began, fighting every part of himself. "I ... don't ..."
He was gasping for breath now, his body shaking on the floor, the pressure of telling such a painful lie ripping him apart from the inside.
Zack watched the cadet struggling, the delicate face contorted in anguish, and stained with tears which had begun to escape from the tightly shut eyes. He could feel his own chest rising and falling in time with the blondes as they both tried desperately to control their bodies, as the torment of the situation wore them down. His heart was tearing apart waiting for Cloud to finish his sentence, every second that passed was another painful stab to the already damaged organ, the need to throw up growing stronger with every breath.
"I can't" Cloud cried out in pained frustration
Blue eyes flashed up to meet his own and Zack could have sworn that for the briefest of moments he had been able to see Cloud's soul. The blonde loved him, even if he didn't say the words, he hadn't denied them. The soldier stared into the cadet's eyes and tried to see it, to find the love that was held within, but Cloud's walls were already being rebuilt. Zack broke the connection between them unable to watch the cadet close himself off again, he rose to his feet and trembling legs carried him across the room towards the exit. He paused in the open door way, but didn't look back.
"Angeal, could you escort Cloud home please" and then the soldier was gone.
"I do not understand your circumstances and I will not pretend to understand" Angeal began drawing the cadets attention towards him "All I know is that Zack loves you, has loved you for some time, but always kept his distance so as not to upset you or ruin your friendship. If you care for him as he cares for you, which I believe you do, then I suggest you stop trying to hide and start being honest with him and with yourself."
Cloud blinked up at the commander before responding
"I'm scared" he admitted his voice barely a whisper
"And you believe he is not?"
Cloud remained silent once more and Angeal knew it was time they left. He motioned for the cadet to follow him, but didn't bother to look back to check, knowing his orders would be followed without question. The cadet knew and understood respect, even if he had tried to show otherwise. He stopped and turned in the door way, one more question on his mind.
"I know what you did before and I will not ask why you did it, but I do wish to know what made you change your mind. What happened to make you fight to live again?"
"Zack" was all Cloud could say, and yet that answer seemed to be more than enough.
They walked towards the apartment in silence, neither in the mood for discussion, both lost in their own thoughts.
Angeal moved silently beside the troubled blonde and found himself pondering what had come to pass. It hadn't been in vain, he was sure of that, but the results were still unclear. It trouble the commander to know that there was still so much unsaid, still so many questions left unanswered.
Beside him the cadet walked lost within himself, his mind a whirlwind of thoughts, as he worked desperately to seal them all away. He slowly began to rebuild his defences against the world, reforming the barriers he needed to protect himself. Slowly the wall began to take shape again casting shadows in the light. Deep in the darkness a flame flickered dangerously low and a voice laughed with glee. If the boy was willing to extinguish the flame himself then it would be too happy to let him. It watched as the light grew a little dimmer and the darkness surged forward once again.