Music has always inspired me and reflected my emotions or feelings in some way. It was therefore a wonderful surprise when I came across this song and found it fit Cloud's character in this story perfectly.
The song is titled 'Damaged' by Plumb (if you have it then listen to it while reading this and you will see what I mean). I hope you guys don't mind me using it, but it forms the basis for this chapter and plays a key role in Zack and Cloud's relationship.
Please review to let me know what you think.
I'm damaged
Zack had been sleeping peacefully, his dreams filled with pleasant images for once and not the worries which had begun to plague his nights. Even in this deep slumber he smiled brightly, the memories of a cheerful blonde eating beside him filling him with more joy than should be possible. It was a shock to his system when he was suddenly woken in the dark room, soldier instincts kicking in, and his body becoming poised ready for attack. Enhanced vision quickly travelled the surrounding area, as his foggy mind began to processes the familiar settings of the apartment bedroom. His sleep filled eyes were just completing a pass of the area next to his bed when he spotted the ghost like figure standing beside him.
"Damn it Cloud" he gasped jumping at the shock.
The soldier mentally scolded himself for not noticing the cadet sooner, especially with him being so close. Zack looked back up at the pale form beside him and noted how the blonde was dressed in both a white t-shirt and white shorts. The overall look was actually unnerving to the soldier, as the cadet's light hair and crystal blue eyes only added to the haunting image before him.
"Is something wrong?" Zack asked, finally able to find his voice again.
Cloud seemed to think about it for a minute, and then nodded his head gently.
"What's wrong?"
The soldier was now very much alert and sitting up in the bed, all traces of sleep wiped away. Cloud didn't respond, not verbally anyway, instead he raised his hand and opened it offering something to the soldier. Zack looked down at the device in the cadets hands and recognised it as his music player.
"You want to borrow it?" He asked a little confused.
Cloud shook his head and once again moved his hand towards the soldier, indicating that he wanted Zack to take it.
"You're returning it? He asked hesitantly.
Cloud shook his head, firmer this time, but still did not speak. Zack looked into the cadet's eyes and tried to understand what the blonde wanted. It would be easier if Cloud would actually speak to him, they were talking again after all, but there was something about the way Cloud held himself. The soldier quickly realised that the blonde was trembling slightly, his blue eyes revealing that he was fighting with something inside himself. He silently wished that the cadet would talk to him instead of keeping it all trapped inside, but he knew that would take time, that the blonde wasn't ready to open up yet.
Zack sighed softly as he took in the pleading look in Cloud's eyes. He had to focus. If this was something Cloud couldn't say, but needed him to understand, then it must be important. He took a moment to look at the device offered to him and then back up into the cadet's eyes, eyes which were bright and shiny as they swam with emotion. Zack knew the cadet was close to crying, could see the tears gathering around those beautiful glowing spheres, and he could sense the blonde's need for him to understand.
"You want me to listen to something?" he guessed cautiously.
Cloud nodded and Zack could actually see the cadet relax a little before the device was silently offered to him again. He took the item carefully and looked at the display. It only took him a moment to see a preselected song displayed, the music simply waiting for him to press play. It was not a song he recognised.
"You added this?" he asked carefully.
Cloud nodded hesitantly, his eyes taking on a nervous look. Zack watched as the blonde shifted on his feet, obviously unsure whether to stay or go now that he had achieved his goal.
"You want to stay?" the soldier offered gently.
Cloud hesitated, his eyes clearing showing the unease and uncertainty he felt. Zack scooted back on the mattress and pulled the covers back slightly offering the cadet a space in the warm bed.
"Come on, it's cold out there" he said, trying to keep his voice casual and light as he spoke.
Cloud cautiously moved forward and laid himself on the bed. He curled up on his side in the warm material as Zack brought the blankets back down to wrap around both of them. The soldier fidgeted slightly putting the ear phones in place and adjusting his body to lie back on the soft surface. He positioned himself on his side, so that his chest was facing the cadet's back, and looped an arm up under his pillow to support his head.
While he desperately wanted to reach out and wrap his other arm around the blonde he didn't. Instead he rested the limb against his own hip reminding himself it was still too soon, that Cloud's presence here and now was more than he could have hoped for. He let his head rest comfortable against the pillow and pressed play on the small device. A small thought tugged at his mind, considering where, when and how Cloud had managed to even do this, but he quickly let it go as the music began to play.
Dreaming comes so easily,
Cause it's all that I know.
True love is a fairytale,
I'm damaged, so how would I know.
I'm scared, and I'm alone.
I'm ashamed and I need for you to know.
The words were both beautifully sung and hauntingly sad as the soldier let them fill his head. He closed his eyes tightly trying to hide the emotion that accompanied them, knowing they were the word's Cloud himself couldn't say.
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say.
And you can't take back, what you've taken away.
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me.
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say.
And you can't take back, what you've taken away.
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me.
Silent tears began to make their own way down Zack's face and he forced himself to remain still, to not reach out and draw the cadet closer to him.
Healing comes so painfully,
And it chills, to the bone.
Won't let anyone get close to me,
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know.
I'm scared, and I'm alone.
I'm ashamed and I need for you to know.
Zack couldn't stop himself now, his body acting of its own accord, as his arms instinctively reached out around Cloud's body pulling the cadet into a tight embrace.
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say.
And you can't take back, what you've taken away.
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me.
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say.
And you can't take back, what you've taken away.
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me.
The next verse was lost to Zack as his mind raced, as he fought the tears which continued to fall from his eyes, as he held the blonde tighter against him. He could feel Cloud's body trembling against him, could feel the cadet's own tears as they fell on the bare skin of his arm, and knew that Cloud was now pressing himself as close to Zack's chest as he could.
I can't go back ... can't go back ... can't go back ...
I must go on ... I must go on ... I must go on ...
The final words of the song were the most chilling, as they repeated to the steady rhythm of the music, until that too faded away into silence. Zack remained quiet and unmoving for a few minutes, trying to decide what would be the right thing to say or do.
While he considered his options Cloud also remained still in his arms, his back still pressed tightly against Zack's body, the soldier still holding him close. The cadet was scared now, unsure of what to do next. He had not expected such a strong reaction from the soldier, had only wanted Zack to understand, hadn't imagined that the song would have such a powerful effect on them both. He had held his own tears in place until Zack's strong arms had pulled him back, had drawn him into the protective circle of his own body, and Cloud had felt the soldier's tears as they fell against his neck.
"You're not damaged and you're not alone" Zack whispered against Cloud's ear, afraid that anything louder would be a mistake. "I know you're scared, but it's ok because everyone gets scared, and you have nothing to be ashamed about Cloud, nothing at all." He paused briefly, taking a deep breath. "I know you're hurting, but if you let me in then I will help you. I promise."
He felt Cloud tremble against him, heard the soft whimpers from the blonde in his arms, understood what it meant for the cadet to open himself up like this. Finding strength in Cloud's first step at reaching out, Zack decided it was time he took a first step as well. He drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, before speaking the words he needed to say.
"If love is a fairytale then this is our story because I love you Cloud, I always have and I always will."
"I love you too" Cloud managed, his voice so soft that even Zack's enhanced hearing barely heard it.
Cloud felt soft lips against his cheek for the briefest of moments, as Zack placed a gentle kiss on his damp skin. It was a light caress on his face, a chaste kiss filled with unspoken love and affection, it was exactly what Cloud needed.
The cadet settled himself against the soldier's body, letting strong arms embrace him tightly, as he began to drift to sleep.
"I'm loved" the cadet informed the night, a small smile on his lips, as sleep carried him away.
"Yes, you are" Zack reassured the now slumbering blonde in his arms.
A few minutes later the soldier was also asleep, a heavy weight having been lifted from his chest.
Somewhere in the darkness a presence stirred restlessly watching as a small flame began to burn brightly once more. The light was beginning to steadily grow, a small fire forming at the centre, forcing the shadows to dance at its edges. The voice didn't like this, didn't like the light in its world. It wanted the blonde to hurt, wanted him scared and alone, wanted back the darkness which came with the cadet being damaged. It remained in the shadows watching and waiting as the cadet slept. It was not afraid of this light, it knew the truth. While light was a fleeting presence in this world, darkness was eternal.